31 #2
He reaches for the opened bottle of whiskey beside the sink. The smell of it makes the single Tequila I had rise in my throat. I force it back.
I gaze around the open-plan kitchen and living room trying to calm myself down. Everything is in boxes. The only things that remain are the pictures of me on my graduation day on the wall.
He’s ready to move into a nicer flat and start a new life.
When he finally speaks his voice is so quiet, I strain to hear. “I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
He stares into the glass as he pours as if it holds all the answers.
I take a seat at the table because my legs are too weak to stand. I decide if I transfix on a spot of chipped wood on the corner of the table I’ll be okay.
“I was struggling to get back on my feet,” he continues quietly. “I was days away from losing the house. I remortgaged it to pay for . . .”
I squeeze my eyes shut.
To pay for my university fees.
“It doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t excuse anything.
” He swirls the glass in his hand and takes a large sip.
It goes down without a hint that it’s hard liquor.
Still staring at the glass, he says, “We’d done it once before.
Back then it wasn’t this cashless society we have today.
It happened so quickly, and the guy just handed over his wallet.
Gleeson took the lead. All I had to do was stick on a balaclava and stand there beside Gleeson.
It was a simple case of two against one.
We hardly threatened the guy. He didn’t even seem that bothered. ”
I sit very still watching his nostrils flare in and out as he takes deep breaths.
He drains the last of his glass. “I wasn’t proud of it, but I figured we were choosing guys that had enough cash that it wouldn’t matter to them. Guys around the East End that liked to show how well they were doing by draping themselves in gold and fucking expensive watches.”
“Like rich dentists,” I say faintly.
I remember that night. I was still living at home as I hadn’t started university. Phil didn’t even tell the police.
Maybe if he had, they would have caught Jack’s father’s killers.
Killers.
My chest tightens. Did I think that as plural?
Is that what I believe?
For the first time he looks me in the eye and when he speaks, this time his voice is firm. Confident. “He took something much worse from me, Bonnie. You. Your mother.”
My gaze connects with the happy girl graduating on the wall. She had no clue what was happening around her. All she cared about was parties, getting laid and making sure she got enough points to graduate with honours.
Ignorance really is bliss.
“You intentionally chose Phil,” I say flatly.
“Do you blame me?”
I don’t know. I always had a sneaking suspicion Mum met Phil before she split from Dad. Phil earned more money in a month than Dad did in a year.
If Olivia got robbed, would I be happy?
I answer him with another question. “Did Phil know it was you?”
“I think so. Maybe that’s why he gave everything up without a fuss.” He pours himself another measure. It smells cheap and foul, not like the stuff Jack drinks. “He had everything he wanted.”
I watch him sink most of the glass in one swallow.
“So, the second time, everything seemed easier. Everyone knew Knight sauntered around the pub flashing his son’s cash.
It meant nothing to him.” He pauses. “Gleeson and I hadn’t planned it that night, but Knight had a skinful in the White Horse and was firing twenties down as tips as if they were pennies. ”
I feel something rise in my chest. The dread again.
I can tell he wants to tell me everything, but I take it back. I don’t want to know. I want him to stop talking.
“We felt like he was rubbing it in our faces.”
He sighs. It’s a horrible sound that I feel right in my gut. A low wheezy noise too big for his chest.
“All we wanted was the damn wallet and jewellery. He should have handed it over. Lord knows there was plenty more where it came from. But Knight thought he was invincible.” His shoulders slump. “Knight goaded him. Gleeson. Before I knew what was happening Gleeson had stabbed him.”
“No, No, No,” I hear myself saying. I repeat what Dad’s telling me in my head, trying to rearrange his words so that they have a different meaning.
I stare at his frightened eyes and protruding bones creating unhealthy angles. Small blood vessels are broken across his face.
Dad was an attractive man in his day, back when I was Daddy’s girl, helping my dad at the Saturday market. I thought that he was the smartest, most courageous man on earth.
Now I don’t know this man.
I can barely breathe.
All I can do is stare at the stranger in front of me.
“You lied to me.” I swallow. “You made me believe that you were scared of Wicks.”
“I had to, love,” he pleads. “Gleeson might not have the same leverage as Wicks, but I wasn’t going to go up against him. I would have had a lit newspaper through my letterbox.”
You’re not courageous. You never were. You’re a coward.
How have I not realised how cold the flat is until now? I shiver and rub my arms vigorously. What I wouldn’t do to be in a steaming, excruciatingly hot bath.
“Does Mum know?” I ask, my teeth chattering. Please God, don’t say she’s in on this.
“Of course she doesn’t.”
I nod. It’s the only redeemable moment of the night.
“You need to go to the police.” I try for a calm and authoritative tone as if I’m telling him he needs to go to the dentist more than once every five years. It’s way off the mark. I’m breathy and frantic. “Jack will find out.”
He looks at me as if I’ve struck him across the face. “Do you want to see your old man go to jail for an accident that happened a long time ago? Is that it? Because the Knights won’t go easy on me. Wicks isn’t the only one with coppers on his payroll.”
Mugging someone is not an accident.
He grips the glass. “Believe me, I’ve already paid in guilt. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about what happened.”
He’s telling the truth. I hear it in his voice.
“I’ll get arrested for assisting an offender, Bonnie. Maybe worse. Is that what you want?”
Tears form in my eyes.
“They’ll let you off easy if you give yourself up,” I say, blinking them back. “You were just a witness. You won’t get prison time. You can say you were scared and that’s why you didn’t come forward before.”
I don’t know if I’m trying to convince Dad or me.
He was there.
He saw it happen.
He let it happen.
The wave of dread rises like a tsunami in my stomach.
Tonight was supposed to be different. I was going to sleep for the first time in two weeks. All the secrets were going to be out in the open and Jack and I would move forward.
Now I’m trying to figure out if I’m a murderer’s daughter.
Dad turns his back to me and stands at the sink. For a second I think he’s ignoring me. Then I see his shoulders silently shake. I’ve only seen Dad cry twice before.
Everything is fucked.
No matter what happens, I’ve lost Jack.