Chapter Seven #2
“Don’t be. Some of it was outside your control.
” He sniffed. “I love you. For two years, I’ve loved you.
But hell…In those two years, I’ve killed people.
To defend you, to defend Suzannah. To defend myself and others.
I always swore I would never take a life, and now I can’t even remember how many lives I’ve taken. ”
I started to tell him the number and stopped myself, because it was completely beside the point and would only make him feel shittier. “I know. I wish you hadn’t had to, Kyle. I never wanted that for you.”
“And yet the first time I killed was right after I was changed, because psychopath Art had a grudge against you and decided I was the best way to get back at you.” With a shudder, he pressed himself closer to me.
“I see all of them. In my head. The ones I’ve killed.
The one I should have killed after he had you shot.
I remember all of it, and that’s what keeps me from sleeping.
Seeing them. Wondering whether there would have been a way out of those situations without anyone dying. ”
“There wasn’t.” The only death I hadn’t been present for was Art’s, but I’d heard plenty about that from Kyle and Suzannah.
“There was. You tried to stop me from killing Jack Leary.”
Again I stopped myself from answering. He was right about that one.
After trying to attack Kyle and wounding Ramon Sanchez beyond the point of healing, the former Berkshires Alpha had fled—and Kyle had gone after him against my orders.
Jack was already under a death sentence before he took Ramon’s life.
The attack only reinforced that Jack needed to die, but it was my responsibility.
I’d tried to compel Kyle to stop before killing Jack…
but compulsion didn’t work on Kyle, which I’d known as long as he’d been a werewolf.
He’d ripped out Jack’s throat while Jack, held by my power, was unable to fight back.
That was the most bloodthirsty I’d seen my mate, and it was because Ramon was one of Kyle’s few friends.
Kyle hadn’t ended Jack’s life because of the death sentence.
It was revenge, pure and simple. Something completely unlike the gentle guy I’d fallen for.
And I was pretty sure he would never fully forgive himself for Ramon’s death or Jack’s.
“I love you,” I said. There was nothing else I could say.
“I love you too.” He sighed and sniffled again.
“Sometimes I wish I’d never asked you to dinner back then.
Or at least that I hadn’t decided to be cute and pick strawberries from the fucking garden.
Maybe we wouldn’t have ended up together, but at least I would still be a pacifist human and not a killer werewolf. ”
My heart ached. He rarely talked like this, though I knew all too well how much guilt he carried for things that had happened since his change.
I wanted to help him. To ease his pain. But I couldn’t change the past, and trying to change his view of himself and those events only pissed him off.
I couldn’t handle another argument about it.
“You’re you.” I floundered through my thoughts, trying to find words that might comfort without setting him off. “You’re Kyle Slidell. My mate, and the guy I’m going to marry in a couple of days.”
“I know. But I’m a killer werewolf, too.” He pulled away and turned onto his side. “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, Tobias. It isn’t going to happen. I appreciate the effort, but I’d like to just let it go for now.”
“Sure.” He wouldn’t let it go. I knew that. But if he didn’t want to talk, there was no point in talking. “What time is it, do you know?”
“A little after two. You can get a few more hours of sleep before you have to be Grand Wolfie Dude of the Universe.”
I couldn’t help laughing at his phrasing, even though he said it in a bitter tone that felt like a knife in my heart. “Not of the universe. Just the United States.”
He shrugged. “There are some who think those are the same thing. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fall asleep.
Sometimes talking to Quinn helps, but tonight…
” With a shake of his head, he rolled to face away from me.
“Tonight, who the fuck knows. I’m going to try to sleep, though, because even if I don’t want to be around however many hundred werewolves, I am your mate and I’m going to be beside you through this whole gathering thing.
I mean, maybe not physically beside you.
I know I’ll be barred from the closed meetings.
But I’ll be with you even when I’m not with you. ”
“I know.” I kissed his arm. “Can I hold you while we try to get back to sleep?”
He looked over his shoulder with a thoughtful expression that quickly turned to regret. “I want to say yes, Tobias, but right now I kind of don’t want anyone touching me. Even you.”
“Okay.” That hurt. He knew how much physical contact meant to me, and he was denying me the comfort.
But this wasn’t about me. Sure, I needed to hold my mate, to feel his skin against mine…
but right now, that wasn’t what he needed.
I damn sure wasn’t going to take away his right to decide whether I got to touch his body.
So I kissed his shoulder again and lay on my back, arms to my sides so he could curl up against me if he wanted, and closed my eyes.
The next time I opened them, Kyle was still beside me, snoring softly. Through the miniscule gap between the light-blocking curtains, I could see daylight. Sunrise had already happened, which meant I needed to get my ass in gear and get downstairs before my guests.
I didn’t want to leave the bed. Today would begin the first gathering I would fully host as Anax. Part of me worried that I wasn’t up to the task.
I was. Of course I was. I’d attended enough gatherings over the years to know how things were supposed to go, and with the rank and its power came some knowledge and understanding from, I assumed, the same “well of werewolf knowledge” that dropped information into Kyle’s brain occasionally.
The same source, in fact, that provided ceremonial words and protocols to all of us when necessary.
We weren’t magicians or sorcerers, but some magic was inherent in our existence, and it showed up as needed.
I wouldn’t have any trouble speaking the words I needed to speak or keeping order, even among werewolves who had no reason to want to stay in order.
But that didn’t mean everything would go as smoothly as I hoped.
In fact, as Kyle had pointed out, things over the past couple of years had been anything but smooth, especially at the gatherings we’d attended.
The two regional gatherings since I became Anax had, to the best of my knowledge, passed without incident in all twelve of the country’s regions, and I couldn’t help wondering if that was because we hadn’t been there.
The Anax didn’t attend regional gatherings, other than occasional cameo appearances via video.
I showered quickly and dressed similarly to the way I had the day before. When I walked out of the bathroom, Kyle was sitting up, partly covered with a sheet. “I slept a few hours. How about that.”
“Probably a good thing.” I sat beside him. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Like I don’t want to deal with questions.
” He flashed a smile. It didn’t come anywhere close to his eyes.
“I’ll be fine, Tobias. Breakfast and coffee will help immensely.
I’ll get through the introductory meeting, and then if I’m still feeling off, I’ll find Suzannah and see if she’s up for a conversation.
If she isn’t, I’ll…Fuck, I don’t know. There are people here.
I know some of them. Some of them actually like me. I’ll be fine.”
His voice rose, and I resisted the urge to shush him. Others would hear, but that didn’t really matter. He needed to get this out, and I wasn’t about to shut him up. That would only lead to him holding in things that would spiral.
“I think the ones who like you outnumber the ones who don’t,” I said.
“I think the ones who don’t know me outnumber both of the above.” He touched my hand. “Be the Anax. I’ll be here for you. Tonight after the meetings end, we can be Tobias and Kyle up here in our room for a little while, but first, we have to get through the day. So let’s do that.”
I didn’t completely agree, but I just kissed him and got up. “Do you want me to wait for you?”
He shook his head. “Go on downstairs and be the host. I’ll just need a few minutes to shower and dress, then I’ll go be the Anax’s mate.”
He said it as bitterly as he’d spoken the night before, and there wasn’t anything I could say in response, so I just left the room.
Downstairs, breakfast preparations were well underway, and some things were already set on the tables in the dining room.
A few of the guests had made their way from their rooms. They greeted me as I headed to the coffee urn at the end of one table, but none tried to have a conversation with me.
Of course they didn’t. That would simply have gone against protocol, especially for those who were used to Hezekiah’s sterner way of ruling. Don’t speak until spoken to.
I wasn’t like that. If people had questions or issues, I wanted them to come to me.
But most of them weren’t aware of that yet.
That would be one of the first things I brought up in the introductory meeting: If they had something to say, I wanted them to say it.
Even if they thought it would piss me off.
Even if it was something against me and my way of running things.