Chapter One Ren
Gasping, panting, I ran.
On four legs, because I was a wolf. That was what he’d told me. The nice one. I was a werewolf. Sometimes human, sometimes wolf.
My thoughts were on repeat because the pain was so high it occupied most of my consciousness. I was a wolf, and thinking that over and over kept the pain from overwhelming me. The pain and the blood.
The pursuers. They were after me. They wanted to finish what they’d started back in that concrete-floored room. Injuries weren’t enough. They wanted me dead.
I was heading north. I wasn’t sure how I knew that, but there was no question. North was right, because north was where the Anax was.
Whatever an Anax was.
The nice one had claimed to be the Alpha. In charge of a pack, the pack I’d been brought to after I was attacked by a wolf. Which had changed me into a wolf too.
From the way the nice one explained it, the Anax was sort of a super-Alpha. In charge of all the packs in the United States. And the Anax was nearby. Some instinct in me felt him, the power drawing me like a lighthouse beacon. He might help me.
Except lighthouse beacons weren’t supposed to draw people. They were supposed to keep people away so their ships wouldn’t wreck. So they wouldn’t be destroyed.
The Anax might destroy me. That was what they had said after they started beating me. I was wrong. Fucked-up. I deserved to be destroyed, and the Anax wouldn’t want a werewolf like me in this country.
The sun beat down on me, so hot I felt faint, but I couldn’t stop.
I needed water. Maybe the Anax would give me water.
Bushes and thin branches scored my skin, but there was nothing I could do about that.
They were behind me somewhere. I’d escaped, barely, before they could end me, and they wanted to finish the job.
I had to keep moving toward that power-beacon, toward the Anax.
Maybe they were telling the truth when they said he would want me destroyed, but maybe they were lying.
Maybe they only said it to justify their own hate.
I had to hope that was the case. Otherwise, I was dead.
Shivering, I ran faster, even though it felt like steel spikes through my legs and the paw they’d slashed.
It wasn’t cold on this June day, and even if it had been, I had fur.
I was a fucking wolf. But the blood loss was starting to get to me.
Some of the scratches and shallower wounds had started to heal, and they itched like fuck.
Werewolves healed fast, the Alpha had said.
But some of the damage they’d done to me was more severe, and blood droplets scattered behind me as I ran.
I kept running toward the power that I hoped was the Anax, because I needed him. To help me or to kill me, I didn’t really care which anymore. Either one would stop the pain.
Either would stop the pack from coming after me and killing me themselves.
Shaking more violently now, I pushed through branches. My vision blurred. I didn’t see the thorns until they were in my skin. They stung, ripped at skin that was already ripped, and I bit back a yelp. The Anax was nearer now. Right in front of me.
Sanctuary or death. I didn’t know which.
You are intruding on the Anax’s property. Identify yourself.
At the sudden, strong voice in my mind, I did yelp. That wasn’t my thought.
The Anax. Was that him? The Alpha had said werewolves in leadership ranks had bonds to those under their rule, and could speak into their minds. Was I hearing the Anax?
I stopped on trembling legs. My legs felt heavier, and even the leaves and branches directly in front of me were blurry. I wanted to lie down. Sleep. Maybe forever. My breathing was so loud it hurt my ears, and I still wasn’t getting enough air.
Show yourself. The voice was more compassionate now. Tell me who you are.
Something pushed on me, forcing me to obey whether I wanted to or not. Reluctantly, I started walking forward, struggling now as my feet didn’t want to lift off the ground. Everything hurt, and I couldn’t hold back a few whimpers among my ragged inhales and exhales.
Ahead of me, I saw him. A white wolf, seeming to glow in the sunlight.
Power radiated from him. I couldn’t have ignored his orders if I’d wanted to.
Shaking, panting, I emerged from the trees in front of him and immediately dropped to my belly.
He was the Anax. I felt it. I had to show that I knew he was in charge.
I prayed he wouldn’t hurt me. He was imposing. Terrifying. Quaking, I lay still, waiting for him to do or say anything that might tell me what was about to happen.
Your name?
The gentleness of the question stunned me, and for a second, I didn’t know how to answer. Ren, I said finally. I hitched in a breath. Anax.
Yes. I’m Tobias Rogan. The Anax. He sat beside me.
For too long, he said nothing. Did nothing. And I couldn’t move, because if I did, he might take it wrong. I didn’t know all the rules. Hell, I didn’t know any of them. I might threaten him without even knowing I was doing it.
Not that I was much of a threat as I lay here gasping for air, blood staining my fur, in so much pain I wanted to scream. Fortunately, that didn’t seem possible while I was a wolf.
I’m going to shift, he said, mercifully breaking the silence before panic took me over. You do the same. Back to human.
Covering my eyes with one paw, I whined softly.
Even if I dared show him my human body, I wasn’t completely sure how.
The Alpha had done something to make me shift back to human in that concrete-floored room.
He’d spoken, even though I hadn’t understood all of the words, and he’d used some kind of power, too.
Something like the pressure I’d felt when the Anax ordered me to show myself.
I didn’t want to show him my human body, because then he would see what the pack had seen. The body that didn’t match. He would see that I was “wrong,” as they had put it. What would he do to me then?
You don’t want me to see your human form? he asked, almost like he’d read my mind. Maybe he had.
No, I said. No point in lying. If he could read my mind, he already knew he was right.
I will shift back, he said. I want to talk to you. Hear who did this to you. Let me shift. Then we’ll see.
I didn’t answer, because there was nothing for me to say. I couldn’t tell him not to shift back. Him shifting wasn’t what worried me, anyway.
He lowered himself to the ground, and my eyes ached trying to see his form as it began to change. He was wolf. He was human. My mind couldn’t make sense of the input through my eyes, and my vision was still blurry anyway. Exhaustion and pain were making it hard to comprehend much of anything.
Finally, a man with tanned skin and dark wavy hair lay on the ground where the white wolf had been. He was naked, because of course he was. Clothes didn’t shift when the body did. I’d been naked too. That was one of the things that had apparently upset the pack members who had assaulted me.
Seeing the Anax’s body, I cringed. I’d seen plenty of naked guys before. I didn’t know why the Anax being nude bothered me. But I couldn’t look.
“Hey.” He sat up, his hands covering his lap. “I’m Tobias Rogan. You know I’m the Anax, but right now, I only want to help you. You can call me by name.” He paused, studying me.
I wrinkled my forehead. Something was wrong here. The Anax was in charge. Call him by name? I couldn’t even speak.
“Do you understand me, Ren?” he asked.
Anax. It was the only word I could manage.
“Call me Tobias,” he said gently. “We are equal in this moment.”
Anax, I said again, wishing I had the words to explain why that was the only thing I could call him. It was beyond explanation. A sense of his power and his role in the werewolf world. I could no more call him by name than I could have called God “Chuck.”
Clenching his teeth, he took a slow breath. I cringed. Had I angered him? I couldn’t make him angry. Things would get bad enough when I shifted into human form.
“Shift back. Please.” He held up his hands. “No fear. You are safe.”
Again I whined and covered my eyes. Safe. I didn’t remember the last time that word had had anything to do with my reality. Even before the wolf’s attack that had turned me into this, I’d had no safety anywhere. Now, especially after what the pack had done, I couldn’t trust “safe.”
But the Anax wanted me to shift back, and even though I didn’t feel power pressing on me like before, I couldn’t ignore the command. Without conscious thought, I reached for the human side of myself, buried somewhere in my mind. When that side had control, the body would change.
It would change into a body the Anax would see as a woman’s. Then the best thing that would happen was that he would have a hell of a lot of questions. Hopefully that was all that would happen.
Shifting was more painful than any of the injuries the pack had inflicted.
My body had to contract and compact. Forelegs changing to arms. The genitals that were the only good thing about being a wolf, because they matched my true gender and not my assigned-at-birth sex, shrank into my body, becoming the factory-issued slit, clit, and vagina.
He didn’t say anything. Didn’t make any sound at all. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign.
Finally, it was done. Not the pain. Not the bleeding, either, though at least that had slowed.
The shifting was over, though. I was in human form, the form I had a tolerance-hate relationship with.
I wished to hell I had my binder, because the chest was the worst part of this form, and I wanted to squash it down so the Anax wouldn’t see.
At least I could hide what was between my legs, and I did, rolling onto my side with my legs tight together.
The Anax stared at me, and I curled myself smaller, petrified of how he would react.
If my wolf form had had the same set of genitals—or an equivalent set, anyway—as my human form, it wouldn’t have been so bad.
I was used to people staring at the trans dude who didn’t look quite dudish enough.
But I’d already seen that not everyone reacted benignly to a wolf with a penis and balls transforming into what appeared to be a human woman.
And I didn’t know if the Anax would give me a chance to explain.
I looked up at him. He didn’t appear angry. Or disgusted like the pack members had. He gave me a tiny smile. “Hello,” he said softly. “Ren. It’s all right. You’re safe, I promise you. I’m Tobias. I’d like you to call me Tobias. Not Anax. You understand?”
“You’re…” For a second, words eluded me. He wasn’t angry. Didn’t care that I was trans. He wasn’t going to hurt me. I felt it. He was kind, and he wouldn’t hurt me. Thank God.
I hitched in a breath and blurted, “They said I should be destroyed.”
“Who said?” He hesitated. “Ren, your wolf form is male.”
“I’m male.” I tried to take a deeper breath and flinched. It felt like someone was taking a jackhammer to my ribs. “Fuck.” I stared at him. Swearing in front of the Anax was probably not acceptable. “Oh, Anax, I’m sorry.”
“For swearing? I suspect you’re in a lot of pain.” He studied me. “You’re…”
“Trans,” I spat. It almost sounded like I was swearing again, mostly because I was still afraid I’d read him wrong and he would go off on me. “I’m a transgender man.”
He nodded slowly. “Got it. So he/him?”
I blinked. That wasn’t the reaction I’d braced myself for. “Yeah. Um, yes, Anax. He/him.”
“I think you didn’t hear me before,” he said in an even gentler tone. “I would like you to call me Tobias. That’s my name. I’m not speaking to you as your Anax right now. I’m speaking as someone who’s concerned. What happened to you, Ren?”
I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times. Words. I needed words. But then I would have to tell him the truth. What the pack—some of them, anyway—had done to me. And why. I couldn’t. The pain in my body was bad enough. The pain of what they’d done, the threats they’d made…
I burst into tears, hating myself for it but unable to stop. Curled up, eyes closed so I wouldn’t have to see the Anax’s judgment, I bawled like a frigging infant.
He just let me cry. I didn’t know how long. It felt like a year, lying there with the Anax’s gaze weighing on me. Not in a bad way. Oddly, having him watch me felt soothing. Maybe because he didn’t try to touch me and he didn’t leave. He just sat.
Finally, he said, “Ren, listen to me. Can you hear me?”
I didn’t trust myself to speak, but with a sniffle, I nodded.
“My guard Xavier is nearby,” he said. “He is a good man and will not hurt you. I’m going to have him bring us both some clothes, and then we’ll go into my house. You’ll be safe in there. I can give you food and something to drink.”
“You…” Was I understanding him right? He was going to take care of me? “You’ll help?”
“Of course.” He stood. “Is it okay if I have Xavier join us now?”
“I…” I couldn’t help it. I looked down at myself. The fucking chest I couldn’t hide. The cleft between my legs. The Anax didn’t seem bothered by it, but this Xavier might be. “He’s safe?”
“He won’t harm you,” he said firmly. “I give you my word as Anax of the United States.”
Something wrapped tightly around us. A bond, strong and unbreakable. What had he done? Wide-eyed, I cleared my throat. “Anax?”
“Tobias,” he reminded me. “Yes. You felt it. I can’t and won’t break my word. Can I contact Xavier?”
“Oh. Um, yes.” I curled up again. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
He was silent, and I lay on the ground, eyes closed, wishing I hadn’t come here. Which made no fucking sense. The pack wasn’t here. Maybe they hadn’t followed me after all. And the Anax was helping me.
After a few minutes, I heard footsteps and looked to see a tall man, at least a foot taller than me, hurrying toward us with his hands full of clothes.
His skin was light, his eyes dark under black brows that matched his hair.
The tall guy’s arms were almost as big around as my thighs, his chest broad, his muscles obvious even under the T-shirt he wore.
He looked a little like a guy I’d gone to school with whose mother was Chinese and whose dad was whiter than me.
And he shone. Brightly, like a star, like the moon. More brightly than the Anax had in wolf form. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. A magnetic force pulled me toward him, even though I didn’t move. When he came to a stop, gaze fixed on me, I knew he felt it too. Whatever it was.
Mine, a small voice said in the back of my mind. He is mine.
That was the most terrifying thought I’d had all day. Quickly, I turned away.