Chapter 13
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
ATOMIC
I should go straight home. Home. Home has always been the clubhouse. Even when I lived with my parents, from the time I turned fifteen, the clubhouse has been where I spent my days, my nights, my entire life. But now there is another place I’d rather be, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Anger still flows through my veins, but I try to ignore it.
I’m not quite sure how I’m going to get over this.
I am telling myself that it doesn’t matter.
The fact that Adam isn’t mine. The fact that she stole money from me and walked away.
The fact that her fucking sister influenced her to the point where she changed her whole goddamn life for her more than once.
What happens when Ellen comes back again with some more bullshit? Does Ryan take off and follow her all over again? I can’t trust her. I want to, but I can’t. My phone rings as I stare out at the piney woods and lake view that surround me.
A ride to the lake is what I needed. It calms my thoughts and clears my mind, but as my phone rings, I’m brought back to reality. Sliding my thumb across the screen, I lift the device to my ear.
“Atomic,” I grunt as my greeting.
“We got that fuckin’ guy watching us again. Tried to run after him, but he slipped away. I think he had a car waiting. Don’t know what the fuck he wants, but I’m about sick of this shit,” Gnaw rumbles.
“Again?” I ask.
“Again,” he confirms.
What the fuck? Could it really be that pimp prick? Does he really want Ryan that fucking bad that he’s coming here and risking his life by stalking the Dark Horse MC? He must really think he’s fucking something to do that.
“Next time we do a shipment, I want to join,” I state.
“You got it,” Gnaw murmurs. “You doin’ good having her back?” he asks
I can’t even give him an answer, not really. I’m not doing good. I’m not even doing okay. And I thought that shit would be a hell of a lot clearer once I fucked her, but it’s not. I’m still confused as fuck in general, and my anger has not dissipated in the slightest.
“Not sure yet,” I admit.
He doesn’t speak right away. He stays quiet for a moment before he decides to tell me what is on his mind. Although, I’m not sure he has any room to say a goddamn thing to me since he’s completely single, while I am dealing with something that nobody here ever has before.
I want to feel as if Ryan betrayed me and the club.
I felt that she did six years ago and until I walked into that hospital room.
But there’s something about seeing her in that bed the way she was.
I want to forgive everything. I also think that a lot of what she did wasn’t meant to be betrayal.
It was more like self-preservation, and I’m not sure I can really fault her for that.
“Just to say,” he finally speaks, “my opinion on the matter is that she was young as fuck. Her sister is a drug addict and manipulative. Ryan is also an enabler because she only has her sister. So, she may have made some bad choices, but she isn’t a bad person. The opposite actually. She’s too good.”
I can agree with that to a degree. I still think she’s hiding some things from me. I don’t think she’s telling me the whole truth when it comes to her leaving and Adam’s biological father. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.
Never imagined having my own kid. I’m forty-one.
It’s not like I’m young anymore. I just kind of assumed that part of my life was probably never going to happen, that I’d given up that chance after she left and I didn’t find another old lady.
But here it is, right in front of me all over again.
A second opportunity at the life I thought I’d lost, the life I wasn’t sure I ever wanted.
Climbing onto my bike, I decide to head back to Pineville. I need to get back home. I need to see Ryan again, and tomorrow, I need to figure out when the next load is supposed to be picked up and delivered so I can see if it’s that goddamn pimp stalking the club.
I hope it is him.
I’m ready to be done with his fucking ass once and for all.
I’m ready to get rid of him completely.
It doesn’t take me long to ride back home.
Brew’s bike is in the driveway, sitting in my fucking spot.
It should piss me off, but I know my brother had no idea it was my parking place.
It’s not like he or anyone else has really been here before, considering Ryan has been in Pineville and in this house less than ten hours.
Pulling up beside Brew’s bike, I park it and throw my leg over the side before I make my way to the front door.
I’m sure Ryan is going to be pissed at the way I walked away from her.
I know I would be if she had done that shit to me.
But at the same time, I’m not sure she has any fucking room to talk about anyone walking away from anyone else.
Making my way to the front door, I twist the knob and let myself inside, locking the door behind me as I do. The house is quiet. I listen for any sign of life and wonder where the fuck Brew is. He’s not doing a very good job watching them if he doesn’t even realize I’m in the house.
Moving down the hallway, I stop at Adam’s door and gently push it open, careful not to make any noise. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to find the bed, and I find the small figure passed out, the covers moving up and down as he breathes.
He is safe.
I gently close the door and make my way toward the master bedroom, where I listen for voices but hear nothing. I’m not sure what I’m going to walk into. Although, I wouldn’t expect either of them to be in a compromising position.
Even so, I still pause for a moment.
Wrapping my fingers around the handle of the door, I hold my breath as I twist the knob and push it open. My eyes don’t have to adjust to the light because there is a lamp turned on. I freeze at the sight in front of me.
Brew is sitting with his back to the headboard, fully clothed and lying on top of the covers. Ryan is beneath the sheets, the pillows propped up behind her head, and they have something playing on the television.
“What the fuck is happening here?” I demand.
Slowly, their heads turn, and their eyes find mine. Brew’s lips turn up into a lazy smile, but Ryan just watches me, her eyes wide as I wait for an answer, pressing my lips together.
“We’re watching Hoarders,” Brew states.
“You’re… watching… Hoarders?”
Ryan nods her head, her eyes never leaving mine. “It’s really good. I can’t sleep, and Brew came in to check on me and found me on the couch.”
Nodding a single time, I take a step backward. I’m not sure what the fuck to think of this. They’re lying in bed together, but it’s clear it’s not romantic. However, my woman is in bed with another man, and that pisses me off on principle alone.
RYAN
I can tell Atomic is pissed as hell. I don’t know if he’s going to do something, say something.
Holding my breath, I watch him and wait for him to explode.
But he doesn’t. Instead, he jerks his chin toward me, and I move toward the middle of the bed as he strips down to his underwear, then slips in beside me.
And for the next hour, Atomic, Brew, and I lie in bed and watch Hoarders together. I’m not sure how I feel about any of it, but the whole thing makes me smile. Nothing about this moment reminds me of the past. Because in the past, this never would have happened.
Brew was never really part of our relationship.
He is Atomic’s biological brother, but past that, unless we were at a club party, we didn’t spend much time together.
As my eyes grow heavy, I wonder why that’s suddenly changed.
Not that I am complaining. In fact, I’m a little envious because, of all the things I’ve been through with my sister, I’ve never had a moment quite like this.
I don’t think about it anymore because I fall asleep in the next breath. And when my eyes open, although it feels like only a few moments have passed, I’m alone and the sun is shining through the cracks in the blinds.
Rolling onto my back, I stretch as I let out a sigh. Blinking, I stare at the ceiling for a moment. Even though there are only small beams of light, it’s still warm in the room, almost too warm, but I don’t want to move.
Until I sit straight up, my heart racing in a panic as I realize that Adam is not in here with me.
And my son is nothing if not an early riser.
Too early most days. Reaching for my phone that is charging on the floor next to the bed, I glance at the time.
Panic flows through my entire body because it is nine in the morning, and there is no way in hell that Adam is still asleep.
Throwing the blankets off my body, I slip my legs over the side of the bed and stand tall. My thighs tremble as I attempt to hold myself up. My center is sore. Actually, every muscle in my body is sore. It’s been so long since I’ve been with someone I’d forgotten what the morning after feels like.
I feel a little hungover almost. I feel a lot amazing. But as I throw on an oversized sweater that acts as my robe and make my way down the hall and into the living room, all that sexual euphoria disappears and is replaced with another kind.
The maternal kind.
There is my son, sitting at the small rectangular coffee table. An empty bowl of cereal to the side and a set of Legos in front of him as he focuses on the instructions while cartoons play in the background.
Then there’s Grover, who is sitting on the couch, his gaze focused on Adam. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I can’t quite make it out. But I don’t care either. Just the sight of them in the same room together makes me feel all warm and squishy inside.
“Mornin’, babe.”
My head jerks and my eyes widen as I focus on Atomic… Grover. “Morning,” I exhale.
“Brew already went home,” he murmurs, but I didn’t ask.
In fact, I kind of forgot about Brew. Last night was nice, seeing him again. Talking to him again, but my focus is on Grover and only him. Sinking my teeth into my bottom lip, I move one step, then another closer to him.
He reaches up, circling his arm around my waist before he tugs me down to his lap. I fall easily, happily, willingly. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I release my teeth from my lip just as his mouth touches mine.
“You don’t get into a bed again with another man. I don’t give a fuck who he is, yeah?” Grover grumbles against my lips.
My breath hitches as I pull back, my eyes wide as I look at him for a moment. “That’s not what that was,” I murmur.
He jerks his chin slightly. “Yeah, I know it wasn’t. Doesn’t fuckin’ matter, though. I don’t want you in a bed with another man, ever.”
“Does that rule apply to you, too?” I ask, my brow arching as I wait, challengingly, for an answer.
His lips curve up into a grin. It’s a shit-eating grin, so I know he is going to say something I don’t like, and I’m ready to stand and tell him that, too, except I’ve never really stood up to this man in my life. Only once, and I didn’t stand up to him as much as I walked away from him.
“No man will be in my bed, legs.”
“Grover,” I warn.
He doesn’t say anything else, not that he can, because Adam suddenly realizes that I’m awake and in the room.
He asks me to come and look at his Legos.
Narrowing my eyes on him, I hope he’ll say something reassuring, but he doesn’t.
I slide off his lap and sink down to my knees beside Adam, feeling extremely self-conscious and embarrassed.
I should know the answer to that.
I doubt that in all the changes Atomic has made, his sexual habits and appetites are any of those transformations.