Chapter 29
CHAPTER
TWENTY-NINE
ATOMIC
Lifting the bottle to my lips, I hiss as the liquid burns sliding down my throat. This doesn’t go down quite as smoothly as the whiskey in my office, but even if I could go back in there, I drank it all, so it would be pointless.
I can’t take my eyes off her. She walks into the room, doesn’t look around, and heads straight for the bar. I watch as she climbs up on a stool, almost as if she’s done it a million times in her life, which I know for a fact she hasn’t.
I watch as she smiles at the prospect across from her, tilting her head to the side as she orders whatever the fuck she orders. I want to beat his fucking face in just for smiling at her that way. I don’t even know if he’s flirting with her, but I don’t care.
The prospect turns his back to her, makes her drink, then spins around and slides it across the bar, but he doesn’t walk away like he fucking should.
He doesn’t wait on anyone else. His focus is on her and her alone.
He leans his elbows on the bar, his eyes finding hers, and he has the goddamn audacity to smile at her.
I fucking hate that.
All of it.
I’m the president of this club, and if he thinks he’s going to get patched in, he’s got another thing coming because there is no way in fuck he’s going to become a member of the Dark Horse MC by hitting on my old lady.
Even though she isn’t my woman in the outside world, she is and will always be my old lady when she walks through the door to this clubhouse, and that means she is goddamn fucking off-limits.
Jealousy slides through my veins at the sight of them talking. Just them looking at one another, even if they weren’t saying a fucking word, would be enough, but they’re chatting and smiling.
Ice slides through my veins next.
Fuck this.
I was inside of her less than half an hour ago, my cum is dried on her skin, and her neck is still red from my handprint.
Fuck. This.
Standing up, I sway as I take a single step forward. Then another before I stop. She tosses her hair, laughing as she brings her glass to her lips. She’s gorgeous. Sinking my teeth into the skin at the inside of my cheek, I stay where I am. Watching.
People pass in front of me, then behind me as I watch her. I can’t even concentrate enough to know who is walking around me. I don’t care either. My focus is on one thing and one thing only.
Ryan.
Lifting my hand, I run my fingers through my hair, tugging on the ends. I dip my chin and look down at my feet, then slowly lift my gaze back up to continue to stare at her. I don’t know if she can feel my attention, but she doesn’t act like she does.
I’m not sure how long I stand there. But when she finally turns her head, her eyes find mine, as if she knows I’ve been watching her, and her lips curve up into a grin. That fucking smile sends goddamn fire through my gut.
Electricity flows through me at the sight of her eyes on mine.
The prospect across from her steps backward, dipping his chin in defeat, and then he turns his head before the rest of his body shifts. He moves down to the other end of the bar, likely realizing that the alpha has staked his fucking claim.
Although I didn’t need to. I already have.
Ryan will always be mine, even when I don’t want her.
She slides off her seat, standing with her drink in her hand.
She doesn’t move immediately. This dance, this game, whatever the fuck this is, it’s not going to last much longer if she doesn’t come over here.
And I don’t know why I want her to. Because I’m still fucking pissed, and I keep saying that I don’t want her, but my body will not listen. My body fucking aches for this bitch.
Fucking aches.
I wait for her to walk toward me, but she doesn’t. She stops and turns her body toward the conference room. The place where we hold church. I watch her go, wondering what the fuck she’s doing. Then she stops at the doorway, her eyes find mine, and she jerks her head.
Fucking. Hell.
My feet suddenly move. It’s as if they’ve been released from the floor. There are a couple of whores that pass by me. Maybe they try to get my attention, but I don’t notice. I don’t see them. Nobody else in this damn room exists but Ryan.
Just like always, this woman has my fucking everything.
As I move toward her, she slips into the room. I close the distance between us, slamming the door before I lock it. She isn’t supposed to be in here. We aren’t supposed to be in here.
This is a sacred place.
There are framed pictures on the walls, jackets of men who have died, and memorabilia from the men before us, from my father and King’s. But we can’t go to my room. That’s where Adam is sleeping. And we can’t go back to my office. I’m not sure I could walk that far.
“Are you trying to make me jealous with a prospect?” I ask, although I can hear my own words slurring.
She shrugs a shoulder, gripping the table as she leans her ass against it. Her legs are out in front of her, her eyes on mine, but she doesn’t answer right away. She watches me, tilting her head to the side, and then her brows snap together as if she is confused about something.
I wait.
“Jealous? No. I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.”
I snort, knowing she’s fucking playing with me. I have to admit, it’s kind of comical. Ryan has never been one to play games, not when she was eighteen and certainly not since I brought her back from the hospital in Arkansas.
But she has kept shit from me, so maybe that’s her version of games. I’m not quite sure. Either way, this is quite entertaining. I’m almost tempted to let her continue in whatever direction she is headed.
But I decide against it, mainly for my own sanity.
“What the fuck, Ryan?”
“I’m just repeating what you said. You can’t trust me, you hate me, you fucked me hard and walked away after coming on my stomach. I can take a hint.”
Leaning forward slightly, I look into her eyes, narrowing mine on them. “That doesn’t mean you go after any man in this club or any man ever.”
Her eyes widen, then she presses her lips together as her cheeks turn pink.
“No, that doesn’t work for me. I’ve spent a lot of time being scared, being manipulated by Ellen, and raising a baby by myself.
I’m ready for more out of life. I’m ready for love, and I’m not going to sit around alone any longer,” she growls.
Then she jerks her chin in the air and looks down her nose at me. “Besides,” she continues, “you don’t get to have a single say in what or how I do anything. You don’t want me.”
Moving toward her, I don’t even hesitate as I reach out and wrap my fingers around the front of her throat. I lean close, almost touching my mouth to hers, but stay just far enough away that I don’t.
“I get every fucking say,” I grind out. “Even when I don’t want you, you’re mine.”
“No,” she snaps on a wheeze as my fingers squeeze her throat a little tighter. “I refuse.”
I smirk. “Too fucking bad.”
Before she can say anything else, I slam my mouth against hers in a hard, owning kiss. Because I do, in fact, own her. Every single part of her. She is mine. And I will never let another man even look at her, let alone touch her. If he does, he dies.
RYAN
Grover is ridiculous. He’s like an overgrown child. Not only does he not want to share his toys, but he also wants to lock them away in a room, never to be seen or played with again. I feel like I’ve been locked in that room for years, and I’m over it.
“No, it’s not too fucking bad,” I grind out after he lifts his lips from mine, shifting backward slightly.
He shakes his head once. “Do I need to fuck you again and remind you of who you belong to?”
I lean forward. Our noses almost touch before I hiss my next words. “You don’t want me, Atomic. Let me go.”
“No,” he grinds out. “I want you. I can’t have you because I can’t fucking trust you.”
Lifting my hands, I place them against his chest to push him back. He doesn’t move. The man is a brick wall. “Let me go,” I grind out.
“No,” he snaps.
The word is harsh. It’s a bark, and it causes me to jerk back, but between his body and the table, I can’t go anywhere. His hips press against my belly, and I can feel his hardness there. I want him to take me again, but at the same time, I want him to walk away and call this whole thing quits.
I just want to be done in general. All this is too hard. It’s too much. I omitted truths. I kept secrets, but none of it was because I wanted to lie to him. I didn’t. What I wanted to do was live under an umbrella of denial and safety.
It just bit me in the ass.
Maybe.
If I let it.
“I can’t live like this, Atomic. What you’re suggesting, it isn’t something I can agree to.”
“Are you trying to give me an ultimatum?” he asks. “And why the fuck are you calling me Atomic?”
Arching a brow, I look into his eyes. I am full of defiance.
I know I am, but I don’t care. What he’s demanding I do is no life.
It’s no life at all, and I don’t want it.
I’ve been dormant for six years. I feel alive again, and I want to stay that way.
Plus, there’s the little fact that I love him, and I love the way he makes me feel, even if he pisses me off.
“Atomic is the name you want me to call you,” I state. “Grover is too intimate. It’s reserved for the woman you choose as your old lady, as yours. Not for a lying, untrustworthy bitch like me.”
His head jerks backward, his eyes widen, and I almost laugh at his reaction.
I can’t believe he’s shocked at my words, at my anger.
It’s like he thinks he’s the only one allowed to be pissed off right now.
He used my body roughly, then walked away.
He made me think he wanted to keep me but then threw me away.
My heart is broken.
I’m not going to just accept that and follow his rules. His rules benefit him because he’ll be screwing anything that crosses his path. Meanwhile, I’m supposed to be living like a nun, and for what purpose?
Just because he says so?
No, thank you.
I take a deep breath and wait for him to respond to me. After the shock wears off, I watch as his lips curve up into a grin. I don’t know what is so funny, the way he’s looking at me, his eyes almost dancing as they move from side to side.
Then he wraps his arms around me and roughly tugs me against his chest. He dips his chin, his mouth touching mine. “You’re too fucking much, Ryan.”
“No, I’m not,” I exhale.
“That’s right,” he murmurs. “You’re just e-fucking-nough.”
His lips press against mine. His tongue slips into my mouth, and he tastes me completely. Arching my back, I push my breasts against his chest, loving the way he feels against me. I want more of him, so much more.
I don’t want this to ever end.
But at the same time, I know that my secrets have ended this because after he sobers up and when he’s slept, he’ll realize who I am and what I’ve done, and he won’t want me anymore. And this same conversation will happen again because he won’t want anyone else to have me either.
He breaks the kiss, nibbling on my bottom lip, then lifts his head and presses his forehead against mine.
“We’re fucked,” he rasps.
“I know,” I agree.
“There’s nobody else I’d rather be fucked with, but it doesn’t change the fact that I just can’t trust you and, in my position, I need an old lady I can trust.”
We stare at one another. It’s clear that he’s getting ready to completely break me. And when he opens his mouth, my heart squeezes and my stomach twists. I feel like I’m going to throw up.
Everywhere.
“You’re right, legs,” he murmurs.
He takes a step backward, his hands falling from my body. He turns his back to me and wordlessly walks away. He closes the door behind him, but he doesn’t slam it, and as the door clicks into place, my knees give out, and I melt down to the floor.