Chapter 17
AXEL
‘I’m not sure I like this new you…’
Theo hands me a whisky and I grimace before knocking it back in one.
‘I never liked me in the first place,’ I mutter. ‘About time you caught up.’
‘I meant your sudden taste for my whisky.’
‘You shoved it my way yesterday.’
‘And you usually turn it down.’
‘Yeah, well, beer wasn’t gonna cut it then, and it sure as shit ain’t gonna cut it now.’
I move to his swanky-arse bar, pour another, while he sinks into his even-swankier sofa. I came here straight from Taylor’s, and I’m starting to think I would’ve been better off going home… or hitting a boxing ring.
This place ain’t even a piece of me. Worth a mint, sure, but I’d take my warehouse conversion on the docks over his chrome-and-glass city showroom any day.
And honestly, if it weren’t for Lottie’s toys spilling out of a basket, her drawings slapped on the glossy black fridge, a tiara-adorned fern, you’d never know he had a wife and kid.
But it’s temporary. Not their ‘forever home’, as Sadie calls it. That’s the house in Mayfair they’re gutting. It’s got the garden, the parks, the schools. And they still have the beach house whenever Lottie wants the sea. Every angle covered.
Would Tay have wanted that?
A house with a garden.
Somewhere leafy and quiet.
An escape by the sea. In the country.
I can picture her in every one. Picture them. Taylor and a dark-haired kid. Happy. Smiling.
And the loss of it – of something that never even existed, our child – has my fist landing against the bar before I hit the floor.
It makes no fucking sense.
Unless somewhere in the last two months, I started to care. Started to want. Started to imagine something more.
And more what exactly?
We agreed on a baby.
That’s it.
There was never room for more.
I was never gonna rain on Taylor’s single-mum parade just because I caught feelings I wasn’t supposed to. For a kid I never wanted, and we haven’t even made yet.
‘I take it you had something to do with it.’
Theo’s question hits as hard as everything else in my head.
And I don’t answer. I don’t need to. This is Theo. Like Tay, he knows me.
Knows the blood under my skin. The violence wired into my bones. The fact that when pushed, I don’t bend; I break things. People, included.
Which is why she never should’ve asked me in the first place, Goddammit.
I warned her. I told her. And she chose me anyway. And now look at us; look at me.
And the images won’t quit coming: a bit of me and all of her mixed together. Hazel eyes, dark hair, a smile that warms you to your toes. Watching them grow. A permanent presence in our lives, no matter what shape our relationship took.
And suddenly, it’s a relationship?
Was. Not is.
And no, it was never that. No matter how good it felt, how right, it could never be that, and this proves it.
And fuck, I’m losing it. Arguing with myself. Going round in circles.
I throw back the drink, pour another, willing it to quit. The pain, the ache, the noise.
‘The world’s a better place without him in it, Ax,’ Theo says quietly. ‘You know that, right?’
I huff into the glass and take another mouthful, needing the burn, the numbness, anything that ain’t this…
But it only gets worse.
I stride up to the panoramic glass, glare down at the snaking Thames below and feel that chilling slither deep inside me.
‘You’re not, though,’ he adds quietly. ‘In a better place, I mean… You look broken.’
Broken?
I’ve always been broken.
Only… I haven’t felt as broken these past two months.
I’ve felt whole… content… and now… nothing.
‘If I didn’t know you better, I’d say you had regrets.’
I choke on a bitter laugh. I’ve enough regrets to fill lifetimes.
And Taylor’s in pole position.
But is Danny one of them? A lesson gone too far? A man dead, instead of punished?
‘You didn’t do this to him,’ Theo says. ‘He did it to himself.’
I shake my head, even though he’s saying exactly what I told Taylor.
‘The governor said—’
‘I know what the governor said,’ I cut in. ‘He got in a fight, he fell, he hit his head. End of.’
But it ain’t the end.
Because the start was me. Months ago. Long before the wedding. Long before me and Tay. When it was just a word in the right ear, leading to the right provocation, and the right officers on duty.
‘Exactly,’ he affirms.
‘And if that fight was provoked by my guy on the inside,’ I say, turning to face him. ‘And my officers looked the other way. The governor, too?’
He doesn’t even blink. ‘From what I heard, Danny wasn’t some helpless victim. He gave as good as he got. You just handed him the rope; he did the rest.’
I hate how much I want to sink into Theo’s words… and how I won’t let myself.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Once upon a time, I wouldn’t have given two fucks.
But all I can see is Tay’s eyes. Her judgement. My downfall.
‘He never would’ve served enough time to make up for what he did to Sadie,’ Theo says tightly, his knuckles turning white around his glass.
‘Or Lottie. Even Tay. And he’d be out eventually.
The idea of him walking the streets again, free to come and…
’ He shakes his head. ‘You saved me from that living nightmare and did what I couldn’t bring myself to ask of you. I’ll always owe you for that.’
His words twist inside me, hot, cold, everything at once. I open my mouth to say something, but what? I don’t even know how I feel. Take Taylor out of the equation and I can’t think straight.
A phone buzzes through the weighted silence.
It’s Theo’s on the coffee table. He leans forward to check the screen and his whole face softens.
‘It’s Sadie.’
No shit.
He picks it up, thumbs flying over the screen. Then he sets it aside and looks at me, eyes narrowed with suspicion.
What now?
‘Sadie says you called in to check on her.’
‘I did.’
‘At Taylor’s?’
‘Yeah.’ Still don’t get why he’s looking at me like—
‘How’d you know she’d be there instead of here?’
Fuck. ‘I didn’t.’
‘So you just… went to Tay’s first? Even though she lives here. With her daughter. And her husband.’
‘I did it without thinking.’
His brow lifts. ‘You assumed you’d find her at her sister’s rather than at home?’
‘What is this, twenty questions?’ I bite out, while seeing my stupidity for what it is.
I should’ve told him I still had eyes on her.
Clean. Simple. But like everything else in my life, my supposedly bulletproof brain has gone dark.
‘You grilled me enough yesterday. Keep it up and I’ll go out the way I came in. ’
‘What’s going on, Ax?’
‘Nothing’s going on.’
‘You could’ve fooled me. You’ve been off. Ever since the wedding. Whatever’s going on between you and Tay—’
‘There’s nothing going on between me and Tay.’
And it’s killing me as I say it, because it’s the truth.
I don’t need to hear her say it, to know it.
‘You say that, but—’
‘Just drop it, Tanner.’
He holds my stare for what feels like an eternity, then finally, he nods. ‘Fine. But promise me one thing?’
‘What?’
‘You’ll come to me when it gets too much to carry around in that stubborn head of yours. You were my ear when I needed one. Let me return the favour.’
‘Did you miss the part where you called me stubborn?’
He shrugs, a small smile tugging at his mouth. ‘Even a mule needs a friend sometimes.’
Taylor
I know he’s following me. I know this street. This junction. The dark, damp alley to my right – the one I never want to look down but always do.
This is where he gets me every time.
Danny.
My heart jams in my throat as I step out – and then he’s there.
Bloodshot eyes. Scraggy beard. The stench of booze and sweat invading my nose as he yanks me into the shadows before I can scream.
My back hits brick. His forearm slams across my throat.
‘Where is she?’ he spits, hot and sour against my face.
‘You think I’m telling you?’ I choke out.
‘Where the fuck is she?’
His weight crushes my windpipe. Spots explode behind my eyes. I claw at his arm, but it’s useless. He’s too big, too angry, won’t budge.
I squeeze my eyes shut, bracing for the blow, but instead, the pressure vanishes. Cool air hits my skin. My eyes slam open.
Danny’s flying backwards—
Axel.
He’s there. In the alley. In the shadows. He grabs Danny by the collar and slams him again, knocking him out cold. Then his arms are around me, pulling me in tight, steadying me, holding me upright.
My heart’s a mess, my breath too, but I feel safe. Completely, ridiculously safe.
I blink up at him, body sagging—
And then I see it. The torment in his eyes.
The alley dissolves.
We’re in my flat. My living room.
He’s walking away.
‘Ax!’ I reach out, but my hand closes around thin air. ‘No!’
I jolt awake, scream caught in my throat. Chest heaving. Sweat plastering my cami to my skin. The room is dark and quiet. No alley. No arm to my throat. No saviour in the shadows.
I press a hand over my pounding heart and take a deep breath. Blow it out slow.
I haven’t had that nightmare in months, not since Danny was sent down. Not since I knew we were safe. And it never ended like that.
It was always the same couple who stumbled upon us that night. Their drunken laughter scaring him off. But by that point, Danny had left his mark. Cuts, bruises, a terror like nothing else I’ve ever known trembling through me.
And the dream, it always ended with me screaming myself awake. Terrified of him. Danny.
But not this time.
This time, Axel came to my rescue, and that scream, it wasn’t about Danny at all.
It was about Axel…
I’m terrified of losing Axel.
And I know how we left things, I know how I reacted, but I was in shock. A man was dead. Dead. And that’s wrong on so many levels, but as I sit here now, the truth is painfully, sickeningly, undeniably clear.
Danny’s dead and I’m glad.
Glad he can’t hurt me, Sadie, Lottie, anyone else ever again.
Which means I’m not angry that Axel did it.
I’m not scared of what he’s capable of.
I’m angry he didn’t tell me.
Angry that he shut me out.
And I’m scared by how deeply that hurts.