Chapter 8 #2
‘You must think I’m a fool,’ I whisper, clenching my hand in the grass. ‘For staying as long as I did.’
‘I don’t think you’re a fool,’ he’s quick to say. ‘Not for a second. I told you – no judgement. And I meant it.’
And once again, I believe him.
But the shame, the guilt… it’s still there, pressing against my ribs, urging me to explain myself.
‘Maybe if he’d been physical from the start, I would’ve seen sense sooner.
But he didn’t even shout back then. He’d just ignore me.
For days. Until I felt like I was disappearing.
And then, right when I couldn’t take it any more, he’d give me something.
A little affection. Just enough to reel me back in… ’
Taylor’s words come back to me. How right she had been about him, about me…
While I… I’d been so wrong. So stupid. So utterly sucked in.
I rest my chin upon my knees, grip my legs tighter.
‘He always knew how to make me feel like it was my fault. That he only reacted like he did because he loved me and wanted to protect me. He told me what I could wear, where I could go, who I could see, and how long for. And then…’ A bitter breath slips out. ‘I got pregnant.’
My eyes find Lottie, still dashing through the roses, arms stretched wide. She’s chasing a butterfly now, her little-engine sound interspersed with laughter. She’s loud. Free. Completely, unapologetically her.
And it guts me.
She’s everything he tried to crush in me.
Which makes remembering how he reacted to her conception so much worse, my guilt swelling with it.
‘I hoped things would get better. That a baby would change things. Fix things.’ A chilling shiver snakes down my spine. ‘But he hated that I was pregnant. And when she was born, he hated her too. Can you believe that? He said she stole my attention. That there was nothing left of me for him.’
I can’t bear to look at Theo as I admit it. The shame is too thick, suffocating me as I push on…
‘And the worse he got, the more I disappeared. I got so good at being quiet, I forgot how to be anything else. I couldn’t leave the house without a fight, so eventually…
I just didn’t. I became a prisoner in my own home.
Numb to everything but Lottie. She was the one thing that kept me going.
And she’s the reason I finally saw sense.
But now…’ I turn to face him, desperate to lean into what he’s offering – his unspoken support, his quiet care. ‘I’m tired, Theo.’
His green eyes blaze up at me, so fierce, it almost hurts to hold his stare.
‘I’m so tired of feeling broken all the time.’
‘You’re not broken,’ he says, no softness, just certainty. ‘You’re rebuilding. There’s a difference.’
He reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. His fingers barely graze my skin, but the warmth sinks deep into my chest, curling through the cold.
‘Rebuilding?’ I test the word out, my mouth woolly around it, but… ‘I like it.’
‘You should. Because soon enough, you’ll laugh again – really laugh.
The kind that makes you cry and your stomach ache.
The kind where you snort and don’t care who hears.
’ His lips lift slightly, and my heart skips over.
‘You’ll film weird videos about glittery mayonnaise, or whatever else makes you happy.
You’ll take off on wild adventures with Lottie, and you won’t second-guess every step. You’ll be you again, Sades.’
I huff on impulse, though I can feel it… that tiny glimmer of hope, pulling at me as I lose myself in the fire of his gaze, in the quiet conviction of his voice.
‘I fear that girl’s long gone.’
‘Maybe. But there’s nothing stopping her from coming back stronger, smarter, and more beautiful than ever.’
Beautiful?
The word knocks the air from my lungs. Of all the things he could’ve said…
And what did he mean by it?
Has he always thought that?
Or is he just being poetic?
Theo – poetic ?
‘I don’t know how to believe that,’ I say, struggling to think straight with his eyes still blazing into mine.
‘Then I’ll believe it for you until you can.’
Definitely, heart-stutteringly poetic.
And I want to believe him. I want to live in that version of the world, where happiness doesn’t come at a cost. But…
I lick my lips and his eyes flick down. Just for a second. And that heat returns to his cheeks, twisting his fire into something else… something I refuse to see. Because I don’t trust it.
While his words… they’re perfect. Too perfect and dangerous with it.
Because part of me wants to reach for him again.
To use him like a Band-Aid for a wound that is mine to heal and mine alone.
‘I’ve got you, Sadie.’
It’s everything I want to hear.
And everything I’m afraid of.
Because if I let myself believe it – really believe it – if I let him in too far, I won’t just start hoping again. I’ll start feeling.
And love…
I know that path.
It only ends in pain.
‘Thank you.’
My voice quivers as I tear my gaze from his and focus on Lottie. Because no matter what Theo makes me feel, one truth remains: it’s me and her against the world now. And that’s how it must stay.
Theo has given me a temporary haven. Nothing more, nothing less. And I’m grateful – deeply – but I need to stay focused on the end game: getting back on my feet and creating a safe, joyful home for Lottie. One that erases all trace of the one we left behind.
‘Are you going to tell our pilot her thirty seconds are up, or shall I?’
He’s quiet for a moment – processing what I’ve said, maybe second-guessing what I haven’t – then he follows my gaze, lifts his bottle to his lips.
‘And spoil her fun?’ He smiles faintly. ‘Not a chance.’