Chapter 16
Emma
I knewNoah wouldn’t contact me. I knew it as surely as if I could read his mind, his simplistic man-brain. He had made a move by coming to New York; now it was my turn. It was a form of sex chess. He wasn’t going to push me.
I’d held my phone in my hand, ready to text or call him, a dozen times. Radio silence was not a good way to handle things. The fact was that Noah was part of my circle—he was my brother-in-law’s business partner. We’d cross paths sooner or later at a Christmas gathering, and when that happened, it would be insanely awkward. So I needed to talk to him.
That was what I told myself, but the fact was, I wanted to talk to Noah. I liked him. He’d given me incredible orgasms, like I’d thought I would never have. He’d been understanding and sexy and kind. I wasn’t used to men who handled me head-on without blinking the way he did. Most of the men I dealt with at work tried to make me feel smaller in some way, even if they didn’t know they were doing it—they said I looked pretty today, or asked if I had done something to my hair, or told me I reminded them of their daughters. The ones who found me threatening dealt with me as little as possible, then avoided me altogether.
As for the men on Tinder, I’d learned early on not to tell them exactly what I did for a living. My profile said I was an executive assistant, not that I ran my own executive assistant recruitment company. When my Tinder dates asked me where I worked, I kept it vague. Because most of the men on Tinder don’t want to fuck a woman who makes at least five times what they do, all of it built on her own.
And exactly how fucked up was that, I wondered? That I couldn’t bring myself to tell my dates what my job was? I should probably bring it up with my therapist. I’d add it to the list.
Noah didn’t care about any of that. It was highly unlikely I made more than he did, but even if I had—even if I made a lot more—I still didn’t think he’d care. He knew exactly who I was, exactly what I wanted. It was addictive, and the longer he was gone, the longer the silence stretched on, the more miserable I became.
I should call him.
I couldn’t call him.
What if he’d moved on? What if he’d already had a date, or more than one, with a lingerie model who had pillowy lips and legs for days? I’d be the pathetic, pent-up woman from that crazy night in New York, begging him for another orgasm. And I wasn’t used to begging men for anything.
So, yes—my problem was pride. Pride that was going to keep me celibate, so I was paying the price for it. Because I still couldn’t bring myself to open Tinder and find another date.
I wasn’t completely orgasmless—I never had been. I was very skilled at taking care of myself, and I did it often. To tell the truth, since I met Noah Pearson I did it more often than ever, and every time I did it, I pictured his hands on me, or his mouth. I heard his dirty, sexy words in my ear as I rubbed myself, sometimes in bed, sometimes in the shower. In my fantasies, Noah even did filthy things to me at work, like he’d threatened to do, though so far I’d managed not to get myself off at the office. To be honest, it was a close call once or twice.
But tonight I was behaving. Tonight I was having dinner with my sister and her husband, Noah’s best friend. We were at a classy restaurant in midtown, and we were talking business.
“How is work?” Samantha asked me. I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks. My sister and I resembled each other, but Samantha was quieter than I was, her temperament cooler. She was the kind of woman who would silently assess a situation while everyone ignored her, then execute a plan that quietly kicked ass. She’d never lost her head over a man until she’d met Aidan Winters—and even then, she’d only lost her head for a few days, flying to Paris on a whim, making him follow her. Which he had.
They’d been inseparable ever since, because now she was one of the executives at Tower VC. I could see that my sister was truly coming into her own.
“The company is fine,” I said, shrugging and sipping my wine. To be honest, my focus had been slipping since Noah left. I’d found my attention wandering, and the other evening I’d actually turned off my phone. “I haven’t found the right recruit for Catharine Knowles yet.”
“You should ask Noah if he knows someone,” Aidan said as he reached for the bottle and topped up his wife’s glass. “He knows a lot of people in L.A.”
I narrowed my eyes at him for a second, wondering if he’d brought up Noah because he somehow knew about Noah and me. But Aidan’s handsome face looked innocent, and I knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t the type to play games. Especially matchmaking games.
“Noah doesn’t know any executive assistants,” I said.
That made Aidan smile, because he knew that his best friend would never have an assistant in this lifetime. “No, but he knows people who do. Executive producers and tech moguls, people like that. Noah keeps company with all types.”
I took a deep sip of my wine, hoping that I was hiding the fact that I wanted to talk about Noah. “I’m not exactly sure what he does,” I admitted.
That made Aidan actually laugh, a low, masculine chuckle. I was pretty sure my sister was getting hot and bothered right now. “No one is sure what Noah does,” Aidan said. “We just know he makes money. He’s a genius at it.”
That made me raise my eyebrows. “A genius?”
“I know it doesn’t look like he works much.” Aidan shrugged. “He doesn’t. But honestly, he has the best instincts of the four of us. Everything he touches makes money like crazy, even the unlikely things. It was his idea to do the Chicago project.”
The Chicago project was the building the four partners had lived in when they were all runaway teenagers. They’d rented a rundown unit in a building near the South Side while Dane made the software that would end up launching the company. A year ago the old building had gone up for sale. It was falling to pieces and it needed work, and the neighborhood was still undesirable, but Tower VC had bought it anyway. They were going to put a community center in. Samantha was in charge of the project.
“I thought the Chicago project was more of an altruistic thing,” I said. “The goal wasn’t to make money.”
“True, that wasn’t the goal,” Samantha said. “I was told that I could run it however I thought best for the community, without considering return on investment. But it hasn’t turned out like we expected.”
“The city came up with a revitalization plan for the neighborhood six months ago,” Aidan said. “They plan to put in parks and green space, add affordable housing, and put in a new school. When we bought the building, it was a neighborhood no one wanted, with no future. Now the city of Chicago has decided to make it a project.”
I blinked. “And Noah didn’t know this was going to happen when he suggested buying the building?”
“No one knew,” Samantha said. “It just happened. And now our project is in the middle of a neighborhood the city is putting its money behind.”
Aidan smiled. “Which means the property value will go up. A lot.”
Samantha looked at her husband, her voice cool. “We only see that profit if we sell the building, and we’re not selling the building.”
“Not this year, no. We’ll wait a few years, and we’ll reassess.”
“You can reassess all you like. We’re still not selling.”
“Samantha.”
“Aidan.”
My gaze moved back and forth between them. My sister and brother-in-law were definitely doing their version of foreplay, in this case business talk. “Hello,” I said, raising my wine glass and waggling it. “I’m right here. Please don’t jump each other in this restaurant.”
Aidan cleared his throat, and Samantha sat back in her chair. Lord almighty, I needed a fan. Or a boyfriend. I was the third wheel in their happy couple. I was truly glad that my sister had found her soul mate, but I was still… excluded. I had no one to do hot foreplay in a restaurant with. No one to go home with. No one who looked at me the way Aidan looked at Sam, as if she was the only thing that mattered, millions of dollars be damned.
I put my glass down. “Okay,” I said, a note too loud. “So the Chicago project was Noah’s idea, and it was supposed to lose money, but it won’t.”
“Like everything Noah does,” Aidan said. “Once he got us to back an independent film by a no-name director. It was when we first started, and it wasn’t much money, so we invested. Six weeks later, Brad Pitt read the script and asked to sign on. That movie won two Oscars.” He shook his head. “I don’t know how he does it.”
I didn’t either. The Noah I had met didn’t seem to think much about business at all. He’d dropped out of his work week entirely to come to New York and have sex with me. He certainly wasn’t spending all of his time reading investment journals or the like.
So how did he do it?
Call him,said a little voice in my head. Ask him. Talk to him. You know you want to. Oh, and then fuck him.
I shook my head. Sam smiled at me, probably thinking that my expression had to do with what Aidan had said. “You never really told me how you two got along when you were in L.A.,” she said.
“We got along fine.” My voice was impressively calm. All those years keeping my cool in business meetings was paying off.
“What did you two talk about?” Sam asked. “Noah’s a bit of a playboy. We all figured he’d try and get you into bed.”
“He didn’t get me into bed.” This wasn’t a lie, because he’d had me on a chaise on his deck instead. “It was dinner, that’s all. Did you think we’d run off and get married?” I sounded annoyed, I knew, but her mention of Noah as a playboy stung. How many women had he been with since me? It was a stupid double standard, because he didn’t expect me not to see anyone else. He hadn’t even asked.
Forget it, Emma. It doesn’t matter who else he’s sleeping with. It was just a fling.
We talked about other things, and after dinner I waved as Aidan and Sam got into an Uber. I told them mine was arriving any second, but it was a lie, because I hadn’t even called one. When they pulled away, I started walking home.
The city was beautiful tonight, crisp and cold and quiet. The summer tourist season was over, and the Thanksgiving and Christmas season hadn’t quite started yet. New Yorkers always like their city best when they have it to themselves.
I only had six blocks to walk, which I could do in the heels I was wearing. I let myself into my apartment building and took the elevator in silence, then walked into my quiet apartment.
I sat on the edge of my bed, took off my heels, and rubbed my feet. My apartment was clean and tidy, thanks to the housekeepers I had come in every other week. The kitchen was neat and dark. Everything was just how I had arranged it, just like in the rest of my life. My life was exactly how I had put it together, every piece in its place.
For the first time, it felt empty.
I could turn on the TV. I could read a book. Or I could do what I usually did to kill the time: open my laptop and work.
My sister and her husband had gone home together to talk and laugh, then most likely get naked. I had an empty bed and a drawer of vibrators. I’d never had a problem with that before. What was wrong with me now?
I picked up my phone and stared at its blank face. Many times, when I wanted to fend off this mood, I’d opened Tinder and started swiping. It was easy enough to find a man, any man, to take the edge off.
But tonight I didn’t like that idea. At all. I wanted…something. I pretended I didn’t know what that was, but deep down I knew. I wanted to be on Noah’s deck, inhaling the soft, warm air and feeling his hands push my legs apart as he knelt between them. That was the only thing I wanted, and it was out of the question.
I still had my phone in my hand. I could call him. I wondered if he would be happy to hear my voice. I wondered what he was doing right now.
Maybe he was out with someone. Maybe he had brought someone home.
I put the phone down. I was a coward, and I knew it. All those years being a ballbuster, a CEO, a woman who lived her life completely without fear, and I was too chicken to phone Noah Pearson because I might be interrupting him in bed with someone else. And if he was fucking someone else, I didn’t want to know.
The silence in my apartment ticked on, deafening. And on, and on.
I sat for a long time in the dark. Then I finally got up, got undressed, and went to bed. Alone.