Chapter 26
Emma
“Welcome back,”Catharine said as I took a seat opposite her. “How was your Christmas?”
I smiled at her. “It was very nice, thank you.”
Actually, it had been the best Christmas I’d had for as long as I could remember. I’d gone to Chicago to see my parents again, meeting Samantha and Aidan there. I’d flown back to L.A. on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas Day with Noah, walking the beach and eating a delicious meal—and, of course, having sex. So much amazing sex.
In a normal year I would have gone home to my empty New York apartment, pulled out my laptop, and worked. Except for the visit to my parents, my only concession to the holiday was usually a few glasses of wine and some extra special takeout.
But this year had been perfect, or nearly so. The only flaw that niggled at me was that while I was visiting my parents with Samantha and Aidan, I’d had the thought that Noah should be there. That it would feel more complete with him there to share it with me.
But I’d pushed the thought away. Because we weren’t serious.
Now I was back in Catharine’s office, ready to work again. “I narrowed down the candidate list over the holiday,” I told her. “I emailed it to you this morning. I’ll arrange interviews over the next few days.”
“Fine, fine,” Catharine said. “Tell me, how’s Noah?”
I looked up at her. “What?”
She smiled. She was wearing a blue-and-yellow blouse that draped over her torso, a designer top that should have looked terrible but somehow looked smashing. “We had to deliver papers to you right before Christmas, when you were visiting your parents. I sent the intern to the address you provided as your home address. Noah came to the door and signed for them, because apparently you’re living in Noah Pearson’s house.” She lifted her eyebrows, amused. “Is there anything you care to explain?”
Damn it. I’d found those papers when I got home from the airport—Noah had put them in the work station he’d set up for me—but it hadn’t crossed my mind how they’d gotten there. “Noah is a friend of mine,” I said.
The words sounded all wrong coming out of my mouth, and Catharine must have agreed, because she said, “Bullshit.”
“Fine. We’re…together while I’m here. Do you have a problem with that?”
“Of course not. It’s nice to hear, actually. I don’t know Noah well, but I do know that he’s rather scrumptious to look at. I’m allowed to say that because he’s over thirty and it doesn’t make me perverted.”
I had to smile a little at that. “I don’t think you’re perverted.”
“Good. I always thought it odd that Noah dated Hollywood women. He doesn’t seem like the type—the fame-seeking, look-at-me type. He seemed to be doing it because it’s expected for a good-looking, rich man who lives here. But his heart never seemed to be in it.”
I thought of the photos I’d Googled a million years ago, while sitting in my office in New York. The pictures of gorgeous women and Noah standing off to the side, his hands in his pockets. Catharine was right. “He’s a private person,” I said.
“Exactly. I’m glad you’re having a round of proper fun with him, because God knows someone should. And when you’re done in L.A. you go home, no harm and no foul. Right?”
“Um,” I said, my head starting to spin. “Sure. Right.”
“You’re very smart, Emma,” Catharine said. “You have your priorities straight. What you’ve done, building your business—that’s the priority. A man would slow you down. A relationship would slow you down. A serious relationship—with marriage and children—would be a disaster. Without those things, there’s no limit to what you and Executive Ranks could do.”
She was right. Of course she was right. I’d spent all of my career living by the words she was saying. The fact that I had ended up so desperate for a break that I’d showed up on Noah’s doorstep, barely making any sense, was just a detour. A little bit of temporary insanity in a life that had a plan.
I wasn’t getting married. I couldn’t have children of my own. What I had was a plan.
Still, the words that came out of my mouth were, “I’m not going back to New York yet. The work here isn’t done.”
“It will be soon,” Catharine said. “We’ll get someone hired by next week, and you’ll start training her, whoever she is. There’s no need to delay things.”
“No, of course not.” Except for the fact that the thought of going home made my stomach heavy with dread.
Come on, Emma. Put on your big girl panties and deal.
“You’re making the decisions I would have at your age,” Catharine said. “Smart ones. Decisions that mean the difference between success and failure. I’ve never regretted a single decision I’ve made. And I won’t bore you with details, but I haven’t had to be celibate, either.” She smiled. “It’s a good life if you make the right choices and stay the course.”
I smiled back at her, and the conversation turned back to the employee search, back to the day’s tasks.
But later, when my focus shifted, I thought about her words again. A relationship would slow you down.
It was the classic question every woman has to ask herself—career, or marriage and babies, or both—and I’d already solved it when I started Executive Ranks. Then I’d sealed my decision permanently the day I’d gone into the hospital, alone, knowing I’d come out unable to have children. I’d chosen my path, it was the right one, and that was it. I didn’t have to think about it again.
I still didn’t have to think about it. Because even if I wanted a relationship, Noah wasn’t the man to provide it. And if, God forbid, I decided I wanted marriage and adopted babies, Noah wasn’t the man to do that either. He was a sweet man, a good friend, and an incredible lover, but he was a passing fancy. He wasn’t interested in more with me, and even if he was, we lived on opposite coasts. To make it work—to make us work—someone would have to give up something. Something big. And no matter how good it was, neither of us was willing to do that.
Deep feelings mess up your life. My motto had never been more true.
I pushed all of those thoughts away. I wasn’t leaving yet. I still had two weeks, maybe more, of Noah. Two weeks of the drug I was addicted to before I had to go cold turkey.
I shut down my apprehension and got back to work, because Catharine was right. It was a lesson I’d first learned when I was only a few days old: People can abandon you and leave you to fend for yourself. My vacation had been nice, but you can’t stay on vacation forever. In the end, you always have to go home.