Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
SAWYER
“Sawyer, what is that?” Yvette looked at the bundle of fur at my feet. The one currently flopped over on its back, waving its legs in the air. I think it wanted a belly rub.
“It’s a dog, Yvette. You know. Four legs. Furry. Kind of cute. They come in all shapes and sizes. Fetch newspapers, chase birds, that kind of thing. A dog.”
Yvette looked down at it, then back up at me. “I know it’s a dog. Is it yours?”
“No. I tell you everything. I’d have told you if I spontaneously adopted a dog.”
“If it’s not your dog,” Yvette said, handing me the vanilla latte she bought me. “Why do you have it?”
I tipped my head toward the direction I wanted to go, the one that would take us near the park.
“It’s a shelter dog. It kind of bummed me out when I found out I couldn’t have a dog, so I decided to volunteer to take some of the shelter dogs for walks.
” Bandit tugged at the leash, trying to pull me along, but he was twenty-five pounds of fluff.
“Sawyer, you know you’re going to get your heart broken doing that. You’re going to fall in love with a dog that you can’t have.”
“It’s better to have loved and lost.”
“Trust me, nothing can break your heart the way a dog can.”
I gave her the side-eye. “Are we still talking about the four-legged kind? What did my gender do now?”
Yvette nudged her elbow into my side and took a sip of her coffee. “You’re a smartass.”
After a brief pause, she let out a sigh. “I got ghosted. Again. He was really nice too, so I thought.. But it’s been over a week since we went out and not a peep.”
“Maybe he got busy?”
“Don’t make me hit you.” Yvette scoffed. “If he wanted to, he would. Remember that.”
She motioned to Bandit, who had his nose to the ground and was happily sniffing his way along the sidewalk. “So you just take them for walks then take them back to doggy jail?”
“It helps socialize them. It also lets people interact with them in non-shelter settings. It’s a good way to get people interested.”
“And you suddenly want a dog because….”
“That book I’m writing, the memoir? My client has a dog.”
She grinned at me. “You’re trying to impress a boy. I should have guessed.”
“That’s not the whole reason, okay. I’d never get a dog just to impress someone. But I really like Lara. She’s this mellow as fuck German Shepherd. I think she has two settings. Slow and off.”
“You’ve been to the mystery client’s house?”
“For work, yes. A couple of times. Some of the subject matter is difficult to discuss in public. Meeting him on his own turf puts him at ease.”
“And you get to ogle him in private.”
“I do not ogle him.”
Yvette tipped her head back and let out a peal of laughter. “Oh, my God. Sawyer, baby, I was joking. But it’s obvious now that you do very much ogle him.”
“There is no ogling.” I threw her a death glare from the corner of my eye, but I could feel the flush in my cheeks giving away my secret.
“There might be a smidge of ogling. Just the tiniest bit. I’ve kept it very professional.
” Sticking my nose in the air, I tried to focus on anything else in an effort to bring the heat in my face back down.
“Professional ogling. Got it. I wasn’t aware that was a thing, but I believe you.”
“I hate you.”
“You love me.” She sipped her coffee and followed me as I turned the corner toward the park. It was in a different part of town than the park I’d visited with Lukas, but for some reason, when I saw the swings, I half expected to see him there.
“So, you professionally ogle your client. Is there any return ogling?”
“There is not.” There might have been? In that moment when I’d stumbled and he’d caught me, I could have sworn we had a moment.
But I’d been tipsy on wine. My head spinning.
By the time I left Lukas’s house, I’d convinced myself that it never happened.
There was no moment. Just me and my wine-addled brain.
“Sawyer, don’t you dare lie to me. Considering my own love life is a series of failures to launch, I was hoping for something a little juicier from you.”
“Yvette, he’s my client. I’m doing a job for him. It’s not that deep.”
“Respectfully, I can tell when you’re full of shit.”
“There’s nothing between us. He’s nice. He’s easy to talk to, and yes, he’s easy on the eyes, but he’s a client. And he’s had issues with other people before me when he tried to hire them. Apparently, they had a hard time staying professional, and that’s important to him.”
She let out a sigh so heavy that I felt it in my bones. “Fine. Be all responsible and shit. Are you going to make it to the pool tomorrow morning?”
Yvette and I frequently crossed paths there. She was a better swimmer than I was, but she still insisted that we should race. I never won. She joked that she liked to keep me around because I was good for her ego, but the affection in her expression always gave her away.
“I can meet you there if you want. Same time as usual?”
“Sure. It’s not like I’ll be doing the walk of shame or anything. Stupid silent phone. Stupid men.” She grinned at me. “Offense intended.”
“Hey, believe me, I know all about men. I am one, and I have the unfortunate experience of also being attracted to them.” My attraction to Lukas was only unfortunate because he was my client.
Maybe if he hadn’t contracted me for the job, I could have had a shot with him, but as it was, he wanted someone who took his book seriously.
And I could be that for him. I could succeed where everyone else failed.
“Dating women would be so much easier. They’re prettier. They smell better. They return text messages.”
“Sounds like you should explore that latent bisexuality of yours.”
“My what?”
I stopped and looked at her, Bandit quickly winding his way around my legs, wrapping me in the leash.
“Did you hear yourself just now? Girls are prettier. They smell better.”
“Well, it’s true.”
I arched an eyebrow at her. “You had a crush on that gym girl last year.”
“It wasn’t a crush. She was just super-hot.”
I stared at Yvette, not blinking or speaking until she sighed.
“Okay, fine. So it might have been a crush. But, Sawyer, you don’t understand. I’d be a terrible bisexual. I can’t even talk to a pretty girl. They’re so…” She waved her hand in the air, clearly flustered. “They’re too pretty, okay? I get all stupid. And it’s not like girls talk to me either.”
“So use an app. At least she’s not likely to send you a dick pic within your first twenty-three seconds of interaction.
And I’m going to hold your hand when I say this.
If you don’t talk to girls because they’re too pretty, it stands to reason that girls might not talk to you because you’re too pretty. ”
“Shut up.” Her face turned an impressively aggressive shade of pink. “I don’t have to stand here and take that.”
“You mean the compliment I just gave you?”
“Exactly. How very dare. You’re supposed to be my best friend, and you’re trying to get me to talk to girls. Do you know how scary they are?”
I pinned my gaze to her and deadpanned, “No. Not at all. No clue. It’s not like I have a terrifying best friend.”
“Threaten to murder you one time, and that’s the reputation I get.” Yvette drained her coffee then took my cup from me so I could untangle the leash from my legs.
“If you don’t want the scary guard dog reputation, maybe stop threatening to hide bodies in suitcases.”
“We live in a city. Where else would I hide a body?”
“In a dumpster like a normal person?” I successfully untangled the leash from around my body, and then we started walking again. Yvette handed me my coffee back.
“I’m pretty sure putting bodies in dumpsters isn’t normal, though, Sawyer. You watch too much true crime television.”
“Even without watching those, dumpsters are common locations for body disposal.”
“Humans are gross.”
“Hence why I’m taking Bandit for a walk instead of scrolling Grindr. Dogs are nice. Dogs are easy.” Dogs don’t care about things like professionalism and careers and integrity.
“When are you going to put yourself out there? I mean, if I’m going to make the whole talk to girls leap, I want you to leap with me.”
“Sorry, Yve, but I don’t want to talk to girls.”
She hit my arm, causing Bandit to start barking at her, and she rolled her eyes at him. “He’s fine, Cujo. Stand down.”
She turned her attention to me. “Seriously, Sawyer. You’re practically a monk.”
“Maybe I like it that way. Even if I don’t, I’m not the one complaining about being ghosted.”
“Because you are the ghost. I love you, Sawyer, and I want to see you happy. I know you want more than you’re letting yourself reach for, and I know it’s because your parents are controlling shit-fucks and their voices still echo in your head or whatever, but maybe it’s time you try to drown them out. ”
Sometimes I hated that Yvette knew me so well and wasn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit. There were also times, like now, when those things were inconvenient.
“I’ll consider it. That’s all you’re getting from me.”
“Come on,” Yvette groaned. “You can do better than that.”
“I’m not unhappy, Yvette.” I liked my job.
My apartment, even if it didn’t allow dogs.
I might not have a stacked social calendar, but I did go out from time to time.
I didn’t have much of anything to do with my parents or my brother, which I preferred.
A love life would be nice, but it wasn’t the be-all-end-all.
“Being not unhappy isn’t the same as being happy.”
Yvette’s words stuck with me, even much later when I was back home after dropping Bandit back off at the shelter. They got me thinking about the last time I was happy, and all the memories I could pull up had Lukas in them.
It proved to be a far more depressing revelation than I’d anticipated.
I loved dogs but couldn’t have one. My most recent, happiest memories all had Lukas in them, and I couldn’t have him either.
At least not in the way I’d wanted him, the way I’d almost let myself try for when my head was full of wine and my body close to his.
But I could be his friend. At least that was something.