Chapter 33
With my left hand on the wheel, we made our way back to my place after leaving the police station. Another silent drive, but this time, it had a lot more relief in the air than tension. Paige let out a sniffle, her head hung low, and her gaze directed to her hands as she spun her golden ring around her finger, lost in thought. I couldn’t imagine what had to be going through her head. She was put through a roller coaster of emotions since she moved back, but especially in the last couple of days.
I reached out my right hand to grab her thigh. Even though my adrenaline had settled, and my hand was throbbing, I still wanted to comfort her in any way I knew how. I rubbed my thumb back and forth in a soothing motion as her hand came down to hold mine.
I hissed at the pain; my hand hurt more than I thought.
“Oh my God, Declan. Are you okay? You’re bruising already. We need to have your hand looked at; it could be broken,” she exclaimed, worry etched in her voice.
“I just need to ice it. I’ll be okay. It’s seen worse before,” I said, trying to ease her worries. I knew my hand would be okay. It wasn’t the first time I lost it and punched someone. I was an angry adolescent and learned my lesson the hard way.
“Any worse than this, it would be mangled.”
While attending therapy, I had a pretty good handle on my anger, but if today proved anything, it’s that I wasn’t perfect and the rage I felt every now and then would pop through on occasion. The more time I spent around Paige, the more the guilt ate away at me. I felt like I was hiding this sliver of who I was—or who I used to be—from her. After what happened with Logan back there, I felt the need to be honest as the confession slipped off my tongue.
“I used to be an angry kid. That anger seemed to be expressed with my fists a time or two. Not my brightest moments,” I admitted.
“You never seemed to be a hot head when I knew you back in the day.”
“Yeah, well, you could say it was more of the years in between when we knew each other. My later high school years weren’t always pretty. I don’t know what got into me back then, but I seemed to solve problems with my hands instead of talking them out like a normal person. I may have gotten suspended a time or two, which led to my mom forcing me into anger management.”
I didn’t talk about my anger much outside of therapy, but it wouldn’t be the first time I divulged all of my secrets to Paige. My therapist mentioned it being in my best interest to reveal my past with her. She deserved to know and since all of this had come back up in my life, it had been weighing on me to tell her. Paige made me feel more comfortable in a way I hadn’t felt with anyone else before, and with each conversation we had, she took another piece of me.
“Did you find that the classes helped you with your anger issues?” she asked in a way that was genuinely curious, and not in a way that made me feel bad about my decisions.
“I did. I think naturally as I grew up, I also realized it wasn’t the way things needed to be handled, and I didn’t want Myles to see me as a bad influence. I apologize you had to witness me losing my temper today. I’ve tried to bury it every time I’ve been around Logan, but he found his way under my skin and dug too deep today to hold back. I just…” I took a deep breath before I admitted the part of this that was nagging at me the most, “The last thing I want is for you to compare me to Logan. Ever since he came into the bar that day and laid his hands on you, I haven’t been able to get it off my mind that you’d see similarities between us.”
“I’ll stop you right there, Declan. You and Logan couldn’t be any more different. You’ve used your anger to keep me safe and protect me while he has only ever used his to harm me and lash out. Since the beginning, you’ve made me feel secure in ways that no one else has been able to.” Her confession immediately calmed me, wiping away all the worries I’d built up over her knowing this side of me.
“You’ve never judged me when you’ve had every opportunity to do so. You see the good in me even in my bad moments. You could have left me after Myles confessed and I would have totally understood. But you stuck by my side instead. Thank you for staying, Paige.”
“I mean, for what it’s worth, watching you go Rambo on his ass was kind of hot, I’m not gonna lie.” Her infectious laugh had a way of making light of the situation.
I glanced over at her, unable to hold back the grin forming on my face as I put my truck in park. “Come on, let’s get inside. I need to ice my hand and text Myles. Mind if I ask him to come over so we can tell him the news?”
“You read my mind. But then we take a nap. I’ve never cried so much in my life and I’m fucking exhausted.” She sighed.
I slept like shit last night after everything went down so I would never deny a nap. “You got it, baby girl.” Before getting out of the truck, I turned toward her, reaching out my good hand to grab her jaw. I pulled her in for a quick kiss, looking deep into her eyes.
“I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this right now, Paige. Please, trust me when I say I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here for you no matter what. Through thick and thin. Through it all,” I reassured her with another kiss to her soft pink lips.
“I trust you, Declan. You’ve never given me a reason not to. You might just be the only person I’ve ever really been able to trust like I do. You have my trust and I…” She trailed off, sounding like she wanted to say something else of importance, but stopped herself before she could get it out.
“You what, baby?” She looked nervous conveying how she felt, but I would patiently wait for her to feel as comfortable as I did when it came to expressing my emotions to her. But then her pretty little lips parted, her feelings rolling off the tip of her tongue.
“You have my heart, Declan. I once feared coming back home. I never wanted to face Logan, I just wanted to move on from it all. I wanted a different life for myself. I didn’t know what kind of life, but I just never imagined it being here. Then I was forced to come back home because my dad died. I was faced with all the lowest lows I’ve experienced in life so far. But then I ran into you… and I can’t picture my life anywhere else but here. You have been my high point in a series of lows, and you were right last night— with every tragedy, comes a new beginning. And I want to be your new beginning too.”
Life didn’t give me many reasons to cry but I damn near teared up when her emotions came tumbling out of her mouth one word at a time.
With every moment that passed between us, I knew I loved this girl.
I love this girl. My girl.
I fucking love her.
The words were on the tip of my tongue. Those three little words threatening to escape, one syllable at a time. Since self-control had been a practice of mine lately, I’d wait just a little longer to spill that phrase I’ve never used with any other woman before besides my mom.
Paige just found out her ex-boyfriend killed her father. And I didn’t want the memory of us exchanging ‘I love yous’ to happen on the same day. Maybe it would happen tomorrow, the next day or next week, but there was no rush. She was mine and I was hers; that wasn’t changing.
I wiped away the tears that betrayed me when I responded to her vulnerability. “You’ve had my heart since the moment you reintroduced yourself to me outside the bar that day. The moment we spoke, and you left in a hurry, I left needing to know more about the girl that used to babysit me. I’m done falling for you, Paige. I’ve already fallen as far as I can go. I refuse to tell you the exact words that express perfectly how I feel until this day is over. I won’t tarnish those words with a day like we’ve had today.”
One by one, her legs swung over mine until she was straddling me in the driver’s seat. With her sitting in my lap and gazing into my eyes, she cradled my face in her cold hands. Tears trickled down both of our faces and she didn’t need to say anything back for me to know she felt the same way about me as I did for her.
We locked lips in a passionate kiss, the taste of salt on her tongue lingering from her tears. It was hard not to get lost in her when our mouths touched, and her hands roamed up and down my body. My palms traveled up her shirt, meeting her soft, warm skin. My thumb grazed her tit, just below her bra line, when a soft whimper escaped her mouth.
The whimpers that escaped her shot right down to my groin, hardening my cock she was grinding over. Her hips moved over me at an increased pace as we both got lost in the whirl of emotions. The moment we were sharing took me right back to that first night. Her lips on mine for the first time, her clothed pussy grinding over my cock, me exploding in my pants like a teenager and how fucking good it all felt.
Fuck, she felt so good.
And she felt so good now.
I was lost in the wild thought of her when a sharp pain shot up my hand.
“Fuck!” I grimaced.
“Oh my God. Oh my God! I’m so sorry! I was so lost in the moment that I totally forgot about your hand. Fuck, I’m so sorry!” she cried as she moved back to the passenger side.
She had grabbed my hands, forcing them to take palmfuls of her tits when I felt the sting. “Baby, it’s okay. I promise you I want nothing more than to feel you up and finish what we started here, but I really think we need to get inside and take care of my hand.” I cringed.
“You’re right, I’m so sorry.” She turned pink as if she was embarrassed.
“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. There are still plenty of things I can do to you with my left hand.” I winked as I rounded my side of the truck to help her out.
After bandaging my hand and setting up an ice pack for the swelling, I shot off a text to Myles.
Me: You may want to drop whatever you’re doing and head over to my place. We have some things to talk about. Good things so don’t worry.
Myles: Be right there.
“He should be here any minute,” I told Paige, setting down my phone. I could get used to seeing her all cuddled up on my couch, getting cozy by the fire. Making herself at home.
Our home.
Mom lived just down the street so I knew Myles wouldn’t take long to get here.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Just as expected, he rushed over here awaiting the good news. I made my way over to the door, letting Myles in. He looked about the same as he did last night. Unshaven, his buzz cut growing in, hungover. Depressed.
“Come on in, man. We have a lot to talk about.” I moved back, welcoming him in as I guided him toward the living room where Paige was sitting.
“Have a seat.” He sat on the opposite side of the couch from Paige, looking eager to get this talk over with.
“What happened to you?” He nodded at my hand that was wrapped up in a beige elastic bandage.
“We had a talk with Logan earlier. Well Paige did more talking than I did,” I said as I lifted my right fist, cringing.
“The old Declan came out to play I see,” Myles said, letting out a forced laugh. I wanted to cut to the chase and put him out of his misery he’d been sulking in since last night. Or technically for weeks now.
“Paige met up with Logan this morning and questioned him just like she did with you last night.” She sat up from the position she was laying in to address Myles.
“I didn’t have as much mercy with him as I did with you. At first, the stories matched up. But he had some holes in his story after a while. After having some time last night to think about the whole situation, my mind was clearer going into our meet up today. I wasn’t leaving without answers.” I made eye contact with Paige before she pulled her phone out of her pocket.
“Paige recorded the whole thing. I know what went down, but I haven’t had a chance to listen to it yet. Wanted to wait and listen to it with you.” I looked at Myles as Paige laid the phone on the coffee table.
“You ready for this?” He nodded impatiently like he thought I’d never ask. I reached out, pressing the play button on the phone screen. With my elbows rested on my knees, I looked intently at Myles to gauge his reaction as he listened along.
The conversation continued to play out and Myles shook his head, getting more pissed off as the minutes passed.
I was pissed off all over again too.
I was pissed off for him.
When the recording ended, his head hung low as he continued to shake it side to side. He stood from the couch and finally spoke up, a burst of his pent-up anger escaping him.
“What a fucking bastard! What kind of piece of shit human tries to pin that kind of crime on someone else? Or tries to brainwash them into thinking they’ve done something that horrible? I’ve been fucking losing it over the last couple of months. Holding this inside. Keeping this secret. Thinking I was this terrible human being. I woke up fucking hating myself every morning. I could hardly look you in the eye, Paige. And fuck, I almost destroyed our family by what I thought were my stupid ass decisions.” He tugged on the back of his neck in frustration as he paced back and forth.
“UGH! I want to fucking kill that guy! I can’t believe I ever wasted my time hanging around him. He could have completely ruined my life,” he said in defeat. “What now? What happens now? Where is that asshole?” Myles added.
I stood up, trying my best to calm Myles down. “It’s all going to be okay, man. You don’t have to worry anymore. I followed Paige to the coffee shop where they met up; I didn’t trust that prick. And luckily I didn’t because when I saw her walk out, the look on her face…” I shook my head in frustration of the memory. “I knew something bad had happened. I didn’t let Logan get away. The police picked him up, but not before I could break his nose,” I said proudly, lifting my bruised and bandaged hand.
“Seriously?” Myles questioned in surprise.
I looked between the two most important people in my life. “There was no way I’d let him get away without laying my hands on him. He deserved it. For what he did to both of you.”
Myles fell back onto the couch, head leaning back as he let out a heavy sigh. He seemed to still be struggling through his feelings, which was understandable given the information he’d been holding inside.
Paige stood up, rounding the table that was taking up space between her and Myles. She took a seat next to him and laid a hand gently on his knee. Her eyes seemed to have a permanent gloss to them over the last twenty-four hours, all the emotion hiding behind them.
“Hey… I’m really sorry, Myles. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this and I’m sorry the last couple months have been really hard for you. I hate Logan dragged you along into his mess. I’m just glad it wasn’t you behind the wheel.”
How could Paige be so selfless in a time like this? She was saying sorry to Myles for a rough couple of months when she’d had the hardest time out of any of us. She had such a pure heart and with every day that passed, she kept giving me another reason to love her.
“I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have said something from the beginning. I should have told you, Declan, that I knew Logan better than I’d let on. I should have sat you both down the first moment I could. I should have done a lot differently,” he cried, clearly disturbed. This wasn’t going to be one of those things that would just go away. He was having internal struggles that he was going to need help working through.
“It’s okay, Myles. We just have to move forward with what we know now. I don’t hold anything against you, I know you didn’t have bad intentions. I just want you to work on getting yourself better, that’s all I could hope for right now.” She gave his leg a pat, stood up and slung her arms around me from behind the couch. Pulling me closer, she whispered in my ear, “I’m going to go lay down. Leave you guys here to talk a bit more. I don’t think me being around right now is what’s best for him.” Her lips touched my cheek in a quick kiss as she excused herself, leaving me and Myles alone.
I took advantage of the moment and tried to dig a little deeper with him. “Talk to me, Myles. What’s going on inside that head of yours right now?”
“I’m just trying to wrap my head around all of this. I spent the last couple months preparing myself to serve jail time when it all came crashing down. Now I don’t know what’s in store for me.”
“I think we just need to take it day by day. You were still in the car beside Logan and depending on what version of the story he gives the cops, you may not be fully out of the woods yet. But I think it’s important we prepare for anything. I think your next step is telling Mom and Dad. You want them to hear it from you first before they hear whatever rumors are bound to be spread.”
“I just wish my memories would come back to me from that night. I want to know what was going through my mind. What did I say? How did I react? I don’t think I’ll ever know… But I’ve been thinking…” He took a deep breath as he dragged his hands down his face. “Not only do I need to break the news to Mom and Dad, but I think I need something more. Something that will help me more long term.” I have to admit it made me happy to hear he was considering getting help. I desperately wanted him to go in that direction, but I didn’t want to force it upon him. He had to come around to the idea on his own.
“You mean like rehab? Therapy?” I asked.
“I figured I’d start by going to some AA classes. I’ve never been before but I have some friends that have been to a meeting or two and it seems like a good first step. I can work on my drinking and talk to others who have fucked up because of alcohol just like me.” A small grin formed on my face. Even though we were deep in conversation, I couldn’t hide my happiness for him in that moment.
“I think that’s really big of you, man. If you ever need me there for support just let me know. I’d love to help you in any way I can. I know it’s been rough, and we’ve had our moments, but now that everything is out in the open, I think we can move on with time and move forward,” I said with hope laced in my voice.
“Thanks. I just can’t imagine ever having to feel this way again. I know I’ve struggled with booze in the past, but I think this was the wake up call I needed and I’m not going to ignore that.” I hoped he was serious. Unfortunately, I knew this kind of thing took a few times to typically succeed and people tend to relapse the second life gets hard. Especially if alcohol has always been their crutch when shit goes wrong.
Myles stood, swiping at his jeans a couple of times as if ironing out the wrinkles. “I should get going. Gotta go talk with Mom and Dad and get this over with.” Heading for the door, he pulled me in for a tight hug. Between brothers, I’m not sure the last time we bonded and had the kind of heart to heart like we did today.
“I’m proud of you, Myles. I know it’s hard to hear right now, but you’re going to get through this.” I know it seemed dark to say I was proud of him after all of the poor decisions he’d made, but I couldn’t let all of his faults outshine a good decision he was making. Going to AA and having that realization on your own was a big step in the right direction and the rest would fall into place.
Our embrace broke after a few long seconds, then he was on his way.
The door closed behind me, and I leaned with my back pressed against it. I took a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief.
Things were going to fall into place.
Eventually.
But for now, all I wanted to do was take a nap with my girl.