Chapter 17
B y the time Thursday evening rolled around, Neve was exhausted. She was more than ready to leave work.
Her night at Alba’s, unplanned though it had been, was everything she’d needed. She slept better than she’d expected, and, when she woke up with Alba wrapped around her, all she felt was safety. She liked not feeling alone, especially when, moments later, the reality of the previous day and the fact that she’d have to go home that night came crashing down around her.
Last night had been nothing close to restful. She’d gone home after work, knowing she couldn’t avoid her place forever, but all she’d really done had been hiding in her room all night, pretending not to be there. After an evening of that, peaceful sleep was difficult to come by. It felt as though, at any moment, Charlie was going to bang on her door and insist they talk, even though Neve was nowhere close to being ready to talk about it. She had no idea if she ever would be, but she definitely wasn’t there yet.
Nobody had knocked. Neither Alice nor Charlie had texted, said anything, or done anything. At least not until she was leaving for work. Already looking drained and exhausted, and knowing she was going to have to get breakfast on the way to the office, she rushed out of her door and almost stepped on a plate of pancakes.
She’d paused, stared at them, and her eyes had slipped to the note next to them. Alice’s handwriting telling her Charlie was sorry.
Neve’s skin had prickled uncomfortably as a mix of contradictory emotions flooded through her. But she still wasn’t ready. She especially wasn’t ready to accept Alice’s suggestion of an apology, a plate of pancakes, and the expectation that everything was okay. Did Alice really think things would go back to normal? Did Charlie? Neve’s night away had told her that wasn’t possible, and her body, prickling and wanting her to flee, was reinforcing that message.
So, she’d fled from the apartment, leaving the pancakes and the message, and avoiding them both on the way out, and she’d attempted to be normal all day at work. She wasn’t sure she’d been particularly successful.
“Hey, Neve,” Robin’s cheerful voice called as she approached Neve’s desk.
The two of them had worked together for a while now. From the first moment they’d met, Neve had been certain Robin was queer. She almost exclusively wore either plaid or playfully patterned shirts, and Neve could count on one hand the times she’d seen Robin without either a cap or a beanie.
“Hey,” Neve replied, trying to muster her usual energy.
As she watched Robin drop onto a backwards chair, it occurred to her that she’d always thought she’d enjoy being friends with Robin but she’d never quite managed it. It was only as she thought it that she realized that, early on, Robin had invited her to things but Neve had always said no. She’d always been busy with Charlie and Alice, always been conscious that she needed to be where Charlie expected her to be.
Robin studied her for a moment. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but, did you break up with someone recently?”
The attention hadn’t felt critical, probably because Robin’s expression perpetually looked like she was moments away from joyous laughter, but, now that the question was out, Neve felt cold and exposed. She didn’t really talk about her personal life at work and she couldn’t figure out what she’d done that had exposed her. The one time her personal life and her real life had collided, it had led to the whole thing with Charlie and Oluwatobi, and Neve didn’t need a repeat of that. The awkwardness with him was already enough.
“Oh. Um. Yeah,” she muttered, looking away. “It was a minute ago now, but, yeah, that’s a thing that happened.”
“Oh, really? It wasn’t this week?”
Neve looked back up at her, confused. “No. Why?”
Robin shrugged. “You’ve just seemed different the past few days. Like, kind of exhausted and sad—which is totally normal for a breakup—but also… I don’t know, free. Like a weight’s been lifted.”
Neve stared at her. Was that what it looked like from the outside? She’d been so lost in the grief of losing a friend—or learning that a friend had never been good for her—that she hadn’t considered that there might be some freedom with it too.
“You okay?” Robin asked, wheeling her chair closer. “Sorry. My girlfriend always tells me I’m too direct. I just figured, if you were fresh out of a breakup, you might need a friend. You know, especially since your partners seemed a… little controlling, honestly.”
“Partners?”
“Yeah. Charlie and Alice, right?” She waved her hands through the air. “Seemed like they had you on a tight leash.”
Neve’s face burned. “Oh! No. I wasn’t dating them. They are just my friends. Were.”
“Huh. Sorry. Just thought you were poly. Pretty controlling friends you’ve got there. Guess there’s no point hiding that opinion now.”
“Uh, yeah, um, that’s the… breakup, if you like, that happened this week. We’re not friends anymore.”
Robin smiled. “Ah. Congratulations.”
Neve wondered whether that was an odd thing to say. She wondered whether it was an odd thing to feel glad that someone did congratulate her. Perhaps that was a sign that she was doing the right thing staying away from Charlie and Alice.
“So,” Robin said with a laugh, “not poly?”
Neve’s head was spinning but she still managed a smile. “Not poly.”
“You are queer, though, right?”
“Yes. Definitely that.” She took a breath. “I’m asexual, actually. Sapphic, but, you know, ace is like… the part that feels the most… dominant, I guess.”
“Ah, dude, that’s so cool. Knew I had you pegged as a fellow gay.”
Neve tried to smile but she could feel how painful it was.
“What’s with the face?” Robin laughed.
“Sorry.” Neve shook her head, looking down. “Guess I’ve just been feeling like it’s more of a problem than something to celebrate.”
“What? Why?”
She blew out a heavy breath. “It, uh, tends to be the reason people break up with me. A lot.”
“Shit. Sorry, dude. That sucks.” She patted Neve’s arm. “Just gotta find the right one. When you do that, nothing else will matter.”
“You think so?” Neve wasn’t so sure.
“Yeah, for sure. Hell, if my girlfriend never wanted to have sex again, I wouldn’t care less.”
“You wouldn’t miss it?”
“Pfft. Not more than I’d miss the rest of our relationship or her presence in my life.” She stood up. “Trust me, the one for you is out there, you’re just rooting out the ones who aren’t good enough for you.”
Neve found Robin’s statements hard to believe. It was clear she adored her girlfriend, but wasn’t it easy to adore someone when they gave you everything you wanted? It seemed easy to say, but living with the reality was something quite different.
Robin smiled. “People find themselves happy and willing to give up all kinds of things for relationships, for love, for the people they care about. With the right person, it doesn’t feel like sacrifice at all. You find ways to make it work together.”
“Yeah, maybe…” Neve still wasn’t sure she believed it, but she couldn’t deny she liked the hope of it.
“And, hey, you’re already improving your life—dropping toxic friends, looking out for yourself. Your time is coming.”
Neve winced. There was still a part of her that couldn’t think of Charlie and Alice that way. They’d been a part of her life for so long, she’d thought they’d be friends forever. “Yeah.”
“You live with them, right?”
Neve’s brow furrowed. Perhaps she’d given away more than she’d intended at work. “Yeah. We share an apartment.”
“That must be awkward as hell right now. You moving?”
“I think I need to.”
“Great,” she said, a massive grin spreading across her face. “Another step in the right direction for you. Look at you just killing it at life. And, hey, if you need any help moving into a new place, just give me a shout. Always happy to help, and my girlfriend’s even handier than I am. We’ll have you moved in and set up in no time.”
The weight of everything that had happened lately seemed to weigh down on Neve. It felt like everything she’d ever known was wrong. She’d sacrificed potential friendships with people who were paying attention to her and willing to offer help at the drop of a hat in favor of those who never truly even liked her. She could only imagine how much she’d missed out on.
Plus, it was just nice to feel people care.
It wasn’t the same as Alba, but Robin saw her, reached out, believed in her, and offered help. It was so much of what Neve always wanted in friendships. She wanted to see and understand people, to support them, to be there for them, and, suddenly, she was realizing she could have had that all along.
Maybe she was getting a little ahead of herself. But maybe that was okay.
“Come on,” Robin said, gesturing towards the door. “You don’t need to be giving this lot free labor on top of everything else you’ve got going on.”
Neve laughed and it felt nice, even if she did still feel soft and bruised around the edges. “I’ve actually got plans tonight.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah, some… new friends.”
Robin nudged her. “Look at you. Already getting out there and doing it.”
Neve blushed, but she felt happy as she gathered her things and walked out of the building with Robin. It did feel as though she’d allowed herself to be so small for so long but, no matter how exhausted she was or how scary it was, now, she was making friends with Robin and attending parties for Zainab. Maybe everything wasn’t horrible.
She wasn’t sure how she’d ever thank Alba enough for being the catalyst for better things in her life.
◆◆◆
Neve laughed at Francisco’s joke. The sound was free and happy. It was an interesting experience after her conversation with Robin. For various reasons, she always felt slightly out of step with the world, but, tonight, she felt like she was part of it, like she could really connect with people.
In many ways, it was like waking up and finding yourself transplanted to a place where everyone did friendship the exact way you’d always been hoping for. Of course, it was still relatively superficial, but it was fun. She felt welcome and interesting and connected.
Though, of course, those connections were being facilitated by Alba with this group, and she had yet to see Alba not seem connected to someone, so perhaps she should have expected it.
Well, perhaps she wasn’t connected to Charlie positively, but she’d prompted a reaction. She’d mattered enough for someone to have feelings about her. Neve realized she’d only ever felt like vanilla or beige. People didn’t dislike her, but she didn’t prompt real feelings. It was nice to finally feel like she’d done so.
Alba, in conversation with some of her other friends, was standing close beside Neve at their bar table. Both of them had foregone seats and were simply leaning against it, their hands wrapped around their drinks.
The lights in the bar dimmed with the later hour and Alba shifted slightly bringing the back of her hand to rest up against Neve’s. With all of the time they were spending together, Neve was getting accustomed to how touchy Alba was, but there was something about the atmosphere of the place, how Neve was feeling, and the unacknowledged, almost secretive, gesture that felt electric.
She forced herself to stay present in the conversation, even as her whole body screamed at her to look at the point where Alba’s skin touched hers. Neve had learned over the years that there could be a difference between sexual and sensual, even though most people she knew thought of them as interchangeable. She’d never been quite able to explain why or how they felt different to her. But, as Alba adjusted her hand slightly, her knuckles brushing gently against Neve’s, the difference felt overpowering. Neve didn’t need sexual, didn’t want sexual, but sensual… That was something different.
Her heart pounded in her ears, louder than the music around them, and she blushed at Francisco’s knowing smile. She hadn’t even realized he’d seen her hand, but she could tell he knew.
How could he know? She hadn’t even known. Neither of them should know anything.
Someone called for Alba’s attention and she stood up straighter, pulling her hand from the table and Neve. Guilt lanced through Neve. Alba had been so good to her, a friend when she’d really needed one. She’d put up with Charlie and looked after Neve. She’d shared her friends with Neve. And now, Neve was risking that by apparently developing feelings for her? She hadn’t planned it. Hadn’t wanted to. If Neve had her way, she’d save everyone the trouble and never fall for anyone again. It wasn’t like she could give them what they wanted, what they needed. And she and Alba had covered, beyond doubt, that Alba was allosexual. What they wanted from a relationship was very different. Neve wasn’t going to risk everything for that.
She gulped her drink, hoping it was just high emotions and the glass of wine she’d had with dinner.
Alba had moved away from the table, still talking to whoever had called out to her, and Francisco leaned in conspiratorially.
He looked from side to side, ostensibly ensuring nobody would hear him. “So,” he dragged the word out, a smirk taking over his lips. “You have a little crush on Alba, huh?”
“What?” Neve gasped, almost choking, as if she hadn’t known that would be his question. “No, I don’t.”
He laughed. “It’s okay. She’s hot. You’re hot. It’s perfectly natural.”
Neve’s stomach turned. This was why she wasn’t supposed to want Alba. She’d spent more than enough time feeling like she’d missed out on the perfectly natural part of being attracted to people. She’d barely even felt that electric attraction she’d just felt with Alba before. Any attraction was almost always something that grew slowly from knowing someone’s personality. Sure, she could appreciate them aesthetically, but she seldom got hit with a bolt like that.
However, she really didn’t want to explain that to Francisco—someone she’d only just met, who was Alba’s friend, and who might turn on her if he knew she was ace. She figured he probably wouldn’t, but she’d seen enough people get weird and awkward about it, or ask invasive questions, or treat her like a child that she didn’t want to take her chances so early on.
“We’re really just friends,” Neve insisted, refusing to look in Alba’s direction.
Francisco tilted his head. “So were Tariq and I for a long, long time.”
“Oh, Alba didn’t mention that you were together. She did, um, sort of mention that she thought there was something there…”
He laughed. “Yeah, it’s still pretty new, but she’s been tormenting us relentlessly about it for years, so we’re just waiting to see when she finally figures it out.”
Neve’s forehead crumpled, her mouth opening repeatedly with no words escaping.
Francisco edged closer to her, clearly amused. “Don’t worry, we’ll tell her soon if she doesn’t figure it out.” He gave her a knowing look. “Or you will.”
“I won’t if you don’t want me to.”
“Oh, I don’t care. I wouldn’t have told you if I did. If I tell one person in a couple something, I assume they’re telling their partner, you know? Pillow talk rules and all that.”
“We’re really not a couple,” Neve insisted, whilst also realizing she assumed a similar logic in her own life.
“Okay,” he replied, but, from his tone, he might as well have said the yet out loud. “And just in case that’s because you’re doing the whole she could never like me thing. You should know you’re totally her type.”
“Oh.” Neve couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or not. She shouldn’t want Alba to want her—she couldn’t give her the thing she’d be wanting. But she also couldn’t deny that it was a little flattering to think Alba—beautiful, tall, wonderful Alba—might think she was pretty.
Francisco laughed again. “Do yourself a favor and just watch how touchy she is with you versus everyone else.”
Neve frowned and glanced in Alba’s direction. She literally had her hand on someone’s shoulder as she chatted with them. Neve really didn’t think Francisco’s theory had any weight to it.