Chapter 5 #2
Although Jack was smiling, Gray noticed residual worry in his eyes.
He remembered the pain Jack had endured in his last relationship and the years of healing.
Building a life with a man who had been emotionally injured wouldn’t be easy, but Jack was worth the effort, and besides, Gray didn’t consider paying him extra attention a hardship.
Spending time with Jack, focusing on him, was exactly what Gray wanted.
He raised their joined hands to his mouth and kissed the back of Jack’s.
“Don’t worry. I’ve been training for this position most of my adult life. You won’t regret trusting me with it.”
***
“Do you think the bad guys know they’re bad?”
Jack lowered his gaze from the television, which wasn’t actively holding his attention anyway, down to Gray, who was curled on the sofa with his head resting on Jack’s lap.
They’d started the weekend having dinner with friends and then by unspoken arrangement, they’d both driven to Jack’s house.
When Gray walked inside, he was holding an overnight bag, which he took into the guest room he had slept in a week earlier.
Jack wanted him to put the bag in his bedroom, but he didn’t say anything because he figured Gray would have done that if he wanted to sleep with him.
“Umm,” Jack tried to remember what had happened on the show so he could answer the question. “They believe they’re justified in what they’re doing, so no, I don’t think they consider themselves bad guys.”
“I agree.” Gray rubbed Jack’s knee. If Gray was in the habit of having sex with guys he just met, why was he holding off from doing the same thing with Jack?
There was an obvious answer, one Jack recognized from years spent in a relationship in which he had the same shortcoming—Gray wasn’t sexually attracted to him. “It’s interesting, right?” asked Gray.
“Uh huh,” Jack answered before fully registering the question.
Unlike Jack’s ex, Gray showered him with compliments about his appearance, and he seemingly couldn’t keep his hands off him.
Gray was a touchy guy so Jack could write off a certain amount of affection from him, but the volume had noticeably risen, especially over the last week.
Gray had kissed nearly every part of his face except his lips, and he maintained almost constant contact by caressing his legs or arms, massaging his neck or shoulders, or simply holding his hand.
That indicated desire by most metrics, and yet Gray hadn’t offered to sleep with him or otherwise initiated a sexual interaction. “It’s confusing.”
“It is,” Gray said, making Jack realize he had spoken out loud.
Thankfully, his comment was consistent with their conversation, so Gray hadn’t noticed, but Jack really had to pay attention to the topic at hand.
“Maybe it’s human nature,” Jack said. “We see things from the lens of our own experiences, right? So the quote unquote bad guy has a history that causes him to view things a certain way or he has obligations that require him to do something or provide something, and based on those obligations and his history, he has a perception of what’s important and what he can do to achieve it and then he does that.
From where he stands, he’s either doing the right thing or, at the very least, he’s doing the only thing possible for the right reasons. He’s the hero in his own story.”
“Sure.” Gray rolled onto his back so their gazes met.
“But if his only consideration is his own past and his own obligations, then he’s thinking only of himself when he’s taking that action.
Isn’t failing to consider the impact of his behavior on other people or on society in general selfish, which is bad, making him de facto the bad guy? ”
“Maybe.” Jack considered Gray’s analysis. “But what if he is thinking of someone else. What if his action is meant to help a person other than himself but it ultimately hurts people. Is he still the bad guy?”
“That’s a good point.” Gray trailed his fingers up and down Jack’s arm.
“But why does he get to be the one who chooses what’s helpful and what isn’t?
” Gray curled his fingers around Jack’s.
“Is it because he thinks he’s smarter than everyone around him, including the people he’s supposedly trying to help? ”
“What if it’s a matter of numbers? What if the people helped by his actions outnumber the people hurt by them?”
“Even so, my question stands. What gives him the right to be the decision maker? And what if he’s wrong?
” Gray snapped to a sitting position, twisted to face Jack, and kept talking, his tone serious.
“Believing that his opinion matters more than everyone else’s and failing to recognize a possibility of failure is on the extreme side of egotistical and self-absorbed and that means he’s back to de facto being the bad guy. ”
No matter how much time he spent with Gray, they didn’t lack for conversation.
Gray could understand and dissect the most complicated of problems, which made him the very best person for Jack to go to when he needed to talk through work issues.
He was the most supportive person Jack knew, which made him the safest person to talk to about personal concerns.
And his brain was always running, so he had interesting takes on whatever he saw in the world around them or about what he read or about what they watched.
Jack loved engaging in esoteric discussions with Gray as much as he enjoyed the silent times they spent together.
“This is nice,” Jack said, shifting to mirror Gray’s pose.
His intense expression immediately softening, Gray put both palms on Jack’s knees and then slid them up his thighs as he leaned forward. “Yes, it is.”
The years he had spent with Jaime had trained Jack’s body not to show arousal.
Repeatedly getting erections with someone who didn’t have the same reaction had been in turn frustrating and humiliating and Jack’s body eventually did him the favor of stopping.
By the end of their relationship, Jaime could walk out of the shower naked and Jack didn’t get hard, regardless of how long it had been since they’d had sex—and by the point, it was more months than Jack cared to count.
That training was the only thing keeping him in check while Gray touched him that intimately.
When Gray’s hands reached the top of Jack’s legs, he spread them wide, tucking his thumbs into the area between Jack’s thighs and pelvis. “Jack?” he whispered, his face so close that Jack could feel his breath.
“Yes?”
“I’m going to kiss you now, okay?”
Gray’s intensity and passion were unfamiliar and, as a result, disconcerting.
Unaccustomed to being in such a situation, Jack’s instinct was to lighten the mood by making a self-deprecating joke.
But before he could do that and ruin a moment that, while foreign, was also exciting, tender, and erotic, Gray moved his hands to the sides of Jack’s neck and tilted his head until their eyes met.
When Jack looked into those grass green eyes, he saw his confidante and friend, someone he recognized and trusted.
“Okay,” he said and licked his lips. “I’d like that.” Jack expected to feel Gray’s lips immediately, but instead, Gray kept their current position—Gray’s body leaning over his, Gray’s palms on his neck, and Gray’s gaze locked with his. “What’s wrong?” he asked breathlessly.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” Gray smiled. “Everything is exactly right, and I want to make sure I remember this moment forever.” He grazed his nose over Jack’s. “This is our first kiss.” He rubbed his cheek against Jack’s. “Our last first kiss.”
The anticipation combined with Gray’s proximity had Jack’s heart pounding and his lungs struggling to maintain a regular air flow.
He heard Gray’s words, but they didn’t fully register because he was distracted by the feel of his hands, the scent of his skin, and the warmth of his body. “Gray,” Jack rasped.
“Shhh. I have you.” Gray slid his thumbs up and stroked Jack’s jaw. “You’re incredibly beautiful, Jack.” He moved even closer, his lips a hair’s distance from Jack’s. “Absolutely stunning.”
Warm, soft lips pressed to his, and Jack stopped breathing.
He reached forward and clutched Gray’s biceps, needing the connection to ground him.
His fingertips digging into Gray’s arms, Jack sucked in air.
When his lips parted, Gray slid the tip of his tongue between them, licking first Jack’s upper lip and then his lower one.
“Perfect,” Gray whispered. He moved even closer, tilted his head to the side, and pressed his lips more firmly against Jack’s.
With Gray’s taste and scent and touch surrounding him, Jack slid his arms around Gray’s back and clung to him as he melted into the kiss. Gray was right; it was perfect.