Chapter 8
JENSEN
Did Lainey Bradford really just slap me?
I rub my cheek, staring back into the coffee shop as I watch her approach the counter.
“God, what’d you do to her, huh? Another girl in the line of broken hearts, chasing the untouchable Jensen Donnelley.” His voice is condescending and humorous.
“Shut the fuck up, Cam,” I snap, my tone sharper than intended.
He sucks in a breath, the corners of his lips tipping up, enjoying this like it’s his own personal entertainment. “Or”—he drags the word out—“what did she do to you?”
A thousand images and memories of the time we’ve spent together flutter through my mind. In those glimpses, she’s smiling and happy, but the girl who just slapped me was angry. Yet there’s still that connection, that tether between us that’s been there since we were kids.
I haven’t seen her in person in forever, at least it feels that way.
The last time we came face to face was Christmas at her family’s place four years ago.
She brought Cole home that year and it was the last time I left New York for the holidays.
It was easier to make excuses to Luca since we weren’t on the same teams any longer.
We had been lucky enough to get to play together in high school and college, but that was where our luck ran out.
Up until that point, we were best friends. I mean, we’re still close, but now we live different lives across the country from one another. We’ll always be friends, just not exactly how we once were, and that’s okay. Maybe one day, we’ll get the opportunity to play together again.
The truth of life is that not everyone who walks into it will stay, and an even harder thing to accept is finding a way to live with it.
I’m used to that more than other people probably are because I know grief all too well.
I just didn’t think that Lainey would join the list of people that I used to know, not after what we’d been through together.
God, she’s cute when she’s angry though. Her nostrils flaring, eyes bulging, chest up in the air. I marinate in the thought for a moment. She looks good, healthy and toned, those hips of hers still …
“JD?” Cam’s voice echoes in my mind, and I do my best to force thoughts of Lainey away.
“Sorry. What?” I ask, tearing my gaze from her back to Cam’s blue eyes.
His brows are furrowed, genuine concern etched in his features, and my skin sets on fire with discomfort. “What’s going on?”
I force a chuckle and scratch the back of my neck. “Nothing. I’m good. She’s just an … old friend.”
His phone chimes, but he ignores it, humor dancing across his lips. “She seems super friendly.”
“Yeah, well … what were you saying before we walked out?” I ask, desperate to change the subject, even though I know I won’t be able to stop thinking about her.
I didn’t even know she was in the city. I wonder if she finally left that piece of shit. God, he doesn’t deserve her in the slightest. He’s the slimiest trash I’ve ever met.
Cam studies me cautiously for a moment before granting me the reprieve I want. “I was just saying that we’d better get going if we still want to be early for the party.”
“Oh. Yeah. Right.” I pull my phone from my pocket and see the time. The party starts in about an hour and a half, but we wanted to be there early to help if needed. “You already got your gift, right?”
He nods. “Morgan’s got ours. You?”
“Yeah. It’s in my car. You ready to head over there?” I ask, my brain still clouded with images of Lain.
He nods, and I dig my keys out of my pocket as we start walking to our cars parked in a garage nearby.
Silence consumes us during the short trek, and I know it’s because if there’s anyone on this team who can understand my pain, it’s him. Instead of cracking jokes the entire time, he just keeps me company until we reach our vehicles.
“All right, I have to go pick Morgan up from our place, but I’ll see you there. You good?” he asks, hesitating for a second.
“I’m fine.” I don’t leave room for question as I slide into my seat and shut the door behind me.
Cam gets in his vehicle and pulls away first, and I sink into my seat, exhaling loudly now that I’m alone, my head rolling back against the seat.
I know damn well Cam could tell something was off, but I’m so fucking grateful he didn’t interrogate me about it.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even know where to begin if he had pressured me. Lainey’s and my story started so long ago; I can’t exactly jump right into the middle of it. Part of me doesn’t want to, the same part that wants to keep her hidden away from this version of myself I’ve become.
I might not have recognized who she is now, but the same could be said for me. I’m not nearly the same guy she once knew.
It’s been years since we last spoke, truly opening spoke, since Cole drove her away from everyone in her life. It’s like the longer he’s around, the more she seems to disappear. Because of him, I practically lost one of my best friends.
We had grown up together. Secret handshakes, secret meetings, secret feelings—it was all there between us.
But neither of us ever made a move, probably too scared to ruin the friendship we had.
But in the absence of that confession grew the depth of our connection.
We poured ourselves into one another, so much so that there were plenty of times I wondered if she or Luca was my closer friend.
They were different kinds of friends to me, but in the end, Lainey knew me better.
Lainey’s a time capsule of the varying versions of me I’ve been over the years, holding my secrets, my phases, my highs, and my lows.
She was there through it all. Through the first time I won a state championship my junior year of high school with Luca.
During the time I lost my sister, the most important person in my life and her best friend.
Through the stages of life I stumbled through, she was by my side, and vice versa, and then suddenly, she wasn’t.
It was as if her leaving was the catalyst for hell raining down on me, or perhaps she was the angel who kept me safe, and once she was gone, my world crumbled.
We’d always been there for one another, but then I was alone to fight my battles, and for a long time, I was losing every fight.
I’ve struggled with my mental health, especially after the car accident.
Therapists I’ve had throughout my life all pinpoint my trauma to a certain event—the day my sister died.
They say that I took on her responsibilities and goals after she passed, feeling guilt when I was living for me and not for her.
But how could I not have guilt when I’m the reason she died?
Having that weight on my shoulders every day was lighter to carry when Lainey helped.
But I was too reliant on her, too attached …
another thing my therapists have pointed out.
I relied on her to help keep me afloat, and when she vanished from my life, I was more lost than ever. I didn’t know who I was without her, and unfortunately, I had to find out the hard way.
I’ve missed her though, more than I was ever ready to realize, but, hell, the pain cutting through my chest right now is proof enough of that.
My hand massages the agonizing throb, and I feel like I’m being transported back in time to our teenage years. The boy in me who once fawned over her wants to rush back through those doors and never let her go again. But we aren’t kids anymore.
I’m twenty-eight years old. She’s twenty-six. We can’t just fall back into the way things used to be, no matter how badly I might want to.
Everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to little Olivia, Alec and Laura Kostelecky’s second baby. God, I can’t believe she’s already two years old. Time really does fly. I remember when Alec first found out about Jack, their son, after having been apart from Laura for six years.
Applause breaks out through the big group of family and friends gathered in their backyard as she blows out her candles, clapping her tiny hands together afterward with pride.
I swear my heart fucking palpitates from the cuteness aggression, seeing her all proud of herself for blowing out her candles.
I love kids. I have my entire life, but until this very moment, I’ve never felt this emptiness deep in my chest, reminding me that I’m nowhere near having a kid of my own.
An unexpected image flashes in my mind—blonde hair, blue eyes so deep that I could swim in them, and a smile that brings me to my knees.
Lainey.
Sucking in a breath, I let my mind wander down the path of what-ifs, not stopping myself from imagining possibilities.
What if Lainey and I had gotten together when we were younger? What if she had been mine all along? Would we be married? Would she be pregnant now? Would we already have little hellions running around?
The idea of getting Lainey pregnant has me clenching my fists at my sides. Fuck. I need to stop imagining that right now. I’m at a goddamn kid’s birthday party, not in my bed.
Trying my best to put my daydream to rest, I turn to Matty. “It’s nice out today.”
Talk about the weather, Jensen. Could you get any more boring?
Matty chuckles. “I suppose it is.” He nods his head toward Alec and Laura, who look happier than ever, cutting cake and handing tiny plates out to the crazy kids. “You picture yourself having that one day?”
Thanks for the help, changing the subject, Matty.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, uhh, maybe someday. You?”
For a moment, I see him lost in his thoughts, and I wonder what’s pulling him away from the present—or maybe who.
Matt is a guy everyone wants to be around. He’s joyful and upbeat, a bit of a weirdo—but most goalies are. He looks at the world with optimism and hope—a refresher from the pessimistic view I often have.
If he wants kids, he’d make the best dad—I have no doubt about that.
Teetering back and forth on his feet, he shrugs. “Yeah, like you said, someday.”