19. Matt #3
“I need to play.” My voice cracks as the walls holding me together start to wither away, leaving me hanging by a single thread of hope, the last ounce of it I have left.
“I need to be out there, focusing on the game.” I lick the tears off my lips as my body shudders, my breathing quick and erratic.
“Fuck, Shay!” I gasp, my words staccato as I struggle to breathe.
“I need to be any-fucking-place that will take my mind away from what just happened. I can’t—I can’t handle tha—”
She moves fast, her arms suddenly around my shoulders, the back of my head in her hand. “I know. I know. Come here.”
“I need to play.” The phrase becomes a mantra I can’t let go of, like the last piece holding me from spiraling into oblivion. “I need to play. I need to play. I need to play.”
She pulls my head down, her other hand brushing up and down my shoulder. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’m right here.”
“Shay, please. Please don’t make me feel this,” I beg her, my strength wavering more and more by the second, my body gradually falling into hers.
I’m on a teeter-totter, tipping back and forth between sanity and losing myself altogether. But just when I think I’m falling into the chaos, she reaches her hand out and grabs hold, keeping my feet on the ground.
“It’s inevitable, baby. I’m sorry,” she murmurs into my ear. “But I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me, remember?”
The clouds keeping the emotions at bay begin to fade with each caress and soft whisper, and when that dam finally breaks, tearing through my body like a thousand earthquakes, a tsunami pours down my face. And I know that if it wasn’t for her right now, I wouldn’t survive this storm.
I melt fully, and we tumble to the ground together, somehow my head ending up against her chest as she rocks us back and forth. A hurricane roars through the hallway as I cry until I have nothing left to give.
I’m utterly exhausted when Shay ushers me into her car, shutting her passenger door behind me. I’m a shell, an emotionless void, merely floating whichever way I’m pushed.
My head leans against the window, and I watch the shadows of the garage turn to sunset orange as a thousand cars pass beside us.
Gradually, they fade away, and the orange dissipates to black and then bright lights.
My feet are suddenly on the ground again, standing inside of an apartment building that’s certainly not mine.
“Come on. Someone will be excited to meet you,” she tells me as she pulls me into an elevator and guides me to her unit, unlocking and opening the door.
“Kyle, relax. We’ll go outside in just a second,” she tells Kyle.
I drop down to one knee and am greeted with a thousand kisses.
My heart melts for an entirely new reason as he smothers me with love like we’re the oldest friends.
“Does he greet everyone like this, or am I special?”
Shay whips her head around, probably surprised to hear me talk after a couple of hours, or days, weeks, however long this hell has lasted. I can’t even tell anymore.
With a leash in hand, she walks over and rubs Kyle’s head. “He doesn’t meet many people, so I’m honestly surprised he didn’t bark or anything.”
“I’m special. Knew it.” I chuckle, feeling a tiredness that I’ve never experienced before, like even my soul needs rest to recover, if that’s even possible.
Shay chuckles, the bright sound like music to my ears. Hearing that does something inside of me, pulling me from my stupor enough to feel like I’m a real person again.
When I look up at her reddened eyes, the corners of my lips twitch, my voice barely audible as it takes everything in me not to start crying again. “Thank you.”
Reaching over, she slides her hand along my jaw. “You never have to thank me for being there for you. You do the same for me.”
I would. I have to a different extent. But that doesn’t mean that she deserves to hear it any less.
Lifting my hand, I hold hers against my face, leaning into her touch even more. “I’d be lost without you.”
“No, I think you’d be just fine—”
“No,” I cut her off, shaking my head violently. “You have no idea, Shay. You are the glue holding me together right now. Every breath is full of your scent. The sound of your voice or your laugh carries me. Every beat of my heart is because you’re there, pulsing it for me.”
Her eyes water, and her bottom lip trembles. “Matt.”
“You’re all I’ll ever need, in this life and the next. You’re it, Shay.” I hold her hand to my cheek, terrified to ever let go.
She’s closer now, her lips grazing mine, like we can’t help but to drift toward one another.
“I need you, so much.” Her voice breaks with emotion.
Suddenly, something jumps between us, peppering both of us with wet, slobbery kisses.
Kyle.
I knew from the beginning that Kyle would get between us. I just didn’t expect it to make me laugh so damn hard as he fights his way into our arms like a big hug.
Shay laughs, and for the first time tonight, I feel the smallest drop of peace. “Do you want a minute to yourself, or do you want to come with us?”
Holding her stare, I pet her sweet dog. “I’m wherever you are.”