Chapter 25
My paintbrush moves slowly across the canvas as I sit on the floor in Jax’s bedroom. Even as the shadows of the evening start to creep in, the sun still casts a warm glow over me, making the hard floors warm under my skin. I’ve lost count of how many hours I’ve spent sitting here painting, though I know my hair stopped dripping a while ago.
The painting in front of me isn’t a person or an object, but despair and hopelessness brought to life through color, or a lack thereof. Black and gray streak across the canvas in front of me, with red splattered like blood throughout. It’s chilling and uncomfortable, but so is sitting at rock bottom.
I look at my phone, the screen coming to life with the touch of my finger and am surprised to see the time. Jax still isn’t back from wherever his business took him today, and I try not to let my mind wander to all the worst-case scenarios that are swirling below the surface. I dial the number that still holds a place in my memory, and my breath becomes shallow as I nervously wait, the phone ringing loudly in my ear.
“Why are you calling me, Evi?” Sam’s voice echoes through the phone.
I try to talk, but the pounding in my chest is making it hard to hear myself think, and my clammy hands are making it difficult to hold the phone.
“Hello?”
“Sam, hey, I’m sorry to bug you,” I start tentatively, taking a breath to try and calm my nerves. “I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately and I’ve been thinking about how we left things between us.” I trail off, not sure of what to say next. How could I possibly put into words everything that happened, everything I went through, all the stupid choices I made that helped pave the path of self-destruction that I was on.
“What do you want, Evi?” Sam asks, her words shaky with emotion as she sighs heavily.
“I’m sorry,” I respond as tears run down my face, “I’m sorry for everything.”
Sam sniffles on the other end of the line, and a pang of guilt sounds through my body at the sound of her crying.
“Do you know what it was like? To watch you with them? Watch you go out and become absolutely paralytic, or hear about you blacking out before being dragged out of the club by him and his friends?”
She doesn’t even have to say his name for me to know who she’s talking about.
“I know Sam, I know, and I’m so sorry you had to see me like that,” I start, my breathing rapid as tears start to fall down my face. I take another shaky breath, standing up and pacing back and forth in front of the window, watching the sunset.
“You don’t know what it was like though Sam, and I know it’s not an excuse, but a lot happened and… and I guess I just needed an escape to get through it all. I don’t think I was ready to deal with everything going on around me or even look at myself and what I was doing. And I had no one helping me, no one supporting me, and I guess I just felt so lost that I relied on the wrong people. I just wanted someone to be there for me and Rhett was, and I turned out to be so wrong about him.” I wipe tears away from my face.
“You had me, Evi. I was there. Until you completely shut me out. Choosing them over us… you just closed the door on years of friendship. Do you know what that was like? To have you disappear from my life overnight? To not know what was going on with you unless I bumped into you on a night out, when you were always high out of your mind? Do you know what they were saying about you? How they spoke about you? And you wouldn’t even listen to me. I tried Evi, I tried so hard to warn you, to give you advice, to steer you away from them, and it was like talking to a brick wall. You changed. And even though I was—I am—so angry at you, I’m also so hurt. You shut me out as if I wasn’t important. And I can’t help but think this is all my fault.” Her crying was audible now.
“Your fault? None of this is your fault, Sam.” I try to reassure her. “I know I blamed a lot of people for a lot of things, but a lot of this is on me, Sam. I chose to stick around when Rhett showed his true colors, I chose to agree to that fucked up deal of his, and I chose to keep going back to the drugs.” I take a deep breath.
“It is my fault Evi, don’t you remember? I encouraged you to keep seeing Rhett after you met him at the diner. I told you should let loose and have fun. If I hadn’t insisted you call him, you probably would have thrown out his number and forgotten about it. And I’m sorry.”
“Sam, no. You have nothing, and I mean nothing, to be sorry for. I don’t blame you for any of this. I just… I just want to go back to how we used to be. I want to be your friend. I miss you. But after everything that’s happened, I understand if you don’t feel the same, and I won’t hold it against you.”
Sam goes quiet and worry fills my chest. I never thought this far ahead, I never considered what it would be like if she admits she wants nothing to do with me anymore. My hands shake as I hold the phone to my ear, waiting for her voice to break the silence.
“Of course I want to be your friend Evi,” she says quietly, and I feel the anxiety melt out of my body. “But promise me you’ll never do this again, and you’ll talk to me instead of shutting me out.”
“I promise, Sam, I really do.”
“Good. I was planning on getting pizza for dinner. Want me to swing by your place and we can eat while you catch me up on everything?” Her voice sounds lighter already.
“I would, but I’m not at home right now.” I pause, but Sam remains quiet. I take a breath, “I’m kind of living at Jax’s place, temporarily.”
“Excuse me you are what? With who?” Sam practically screams into the phone. “Tell me everything!”
I stay on the phone with her for over an hour, and we talk about everything, catching up on months of radio silence from each other. When the phone call ends, relief washes over me and a spark of happiness is lit deep within.