Chapter 20 #2
And that’s exactly what Camille asks for when we get started. “Show it to me safely and we’ll go from there.”
We skate together, building up some momentum like we’d have if we were in the middle of the program, and when I start to let him take my weight, he bails completely, doesn’t even try.
“What the hell?” I say, skating back to him.
He’s got his hands down on his knees and he’s breathing hard, even though we’ve barely done anything yet. He lifts his head a fraction, and I can see there’s some kind of panic in his eyes.
“Brayden, are you hurt? What’s wrong?”
He shakes his head and takes a steadying breath, circling away from me. “Let’s go again.”
We do and this time he manages to lift me a little bit more, but not much, and he sets me down on the ice, before skating away from me, hands on his hips.
“Fuck!” he yells out, and it bounces off the ice to every other competitor and coach in the rink.
“Can do you this?” I mutter to him. If he can’t, I need to know.
“I’m fine. I can do it. Let’s go again.”
“We need to nail this lift if we want to win. If you can’t do it, you need to tell me.”
He glares at me, eyes flashing. “I said I’m fine.”
“Again,” Camille calls out, “but don’t kill each other, okay?”
“C’mon,” I say between gritted teeth. “Get it together.”
I don’t even know if I’m talking to him or to myself. Maybe it’s both of us, but if he can’t lift me, then it’s over. The last two years will have been for nothing. Giving up skating with Freddie would have been for nothing.
“Brayden,” I say as my hand falls into his, our starting grip for the lift. “We can do this.”
“Yeah,” he bites back.
“I mean it,” I say, looking up at him, squeezing his hand tightly. “We can do this. You and me, remember? All the way.”
He stares at me for a second and then another, his eyes holding mine and I don’t look away. I need him to know I still believe in us, even if it’s not in the way he wants.
Brayden exhales and then closes his eyes. “Yeah, all the way,” he agrees, and when he opens his eyes again his gaze is softer, but focused. “Let’s nail this.”
We move across the ice, finding the edges of our skates together, and then his hands slide around my waist and with a pull I’m up in his arms, in the air, his grip firm, his hold sure, and I let out a breath as he sets me down again.
There it is.
That was perfect.
“Perfect!” Camille shouts at us. “Now do it again!”
And we do, three times before it feels good to me and, maybe more important, before Camille’s satisfied that our inability to do it was a total fluke. And maybe it was, maybe we’ll be fine out there, even with all this bullshit between us.
No, that’s not fair. It’s not bullshit. It’s just…a lot. Maybe I was oblivious to how Brayden felt and yeah, maybe I’ve been avoiding thinking about it too much because it’s scary as hell. If he feels this way and I don’t…how do we get past it long term? Is that even possible?
The training rink is directly across the street from the arena and once our session is over and we’ve had a light lunch, in complete silence, we simply walk over with the other skaters and their coaches.
The competition is going to start in a few minutes, but with twenty teams competing, we won’t be out there for a while.
In the free dance, the teams compete in reverse standings and since we’re in first place, we’ll compete last.
When we get into the arena and walk through the tunnels toward the locker rooms, the announcer is introducing the judges to the crowd to polite applause.
It doesn’t sound like all the fans are in their seats yet, which I don’t get. Who buys tickets to something and then doesn’t show up on time?
And that’s the extent that I’m able to distract myself. Because who cares if people are here on time when there are way more important things to focus on. Like the program I’m supposed to go out and skate.
Love and betrayal, that’s what our routine is about, and I’ve had more than my fill of those things in the last few weeks.
Part of me would rather go back to a time before I understood exactly what my character was supposed to be feeling, but there’s some sense that at least, even though it all sucked so much, I’ll be able to use it for good, that my performance will be that much better for it.
Maybe, hopefully, it’ll leave the judges in awe and maybe make the audience shed a tear or two?
Part of being a figure skater is knowing how to kill time and I’ve become a pro at it over the years.
My routine is simple. Stretch, meditate, listen to a classical music playlist that keeps me calm, and repeat.
Then as we get closer, I add in our music and do some choreography run-throughs, but keep alternating the stretching and meditating.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, I lose track of time and it all melds together until Camille knocks on the door for our time check.
Brayden and I change into our costumes and then I get my hair and makeup ready.
My entire career up until now I always competed with my hair up, but playing this character, a dragon queen, my hair has to be down.
I pull the sides away from my face, but then let the rest flow down my back in loose curls.
The music for the last of the session’s competitors comes to an end and a few minutes later they have their scores and the announcer is calling for the warm-ups to begin for the final group.
When I turn to Brayden, he’s dressed in all black with a silver wolf embroidered on the shoulder.
We look as badass as we’re about to be on the ice.
“Let’s do this,” I say, holding out my fists for him to bump, which he does, and that soft look from training is back and I know what it is now. He’s in love with me and if that’s what’s getting him through today, then maybe for right now, that’s okay.
We march out of the changing room and fall into line with the four other couples that will be battling it out for the medals. They’re all that stands between us and that gold medal we’ve been working toward our entire lives.
After the ice is cleaned, we’re let out onto it to warm up and be introduced to the crowd.
When the announcer gets to our names, the wall of sound that flows down from the seats is incredible and makes me glance at Brayden, who shoots me a half smile.
We run through some of our dance patterns and twizzles, making sure to avoid colliding with anyone else out on the ice.
Then we leave as the fifth-place team gets ready to start their program.
As we move through the gate, I catch the section our team is sitting in out of the corner of my eye.
Charles, Dad, and Elisa are at the edge of the row, with Gillian and Katya beside Elisa, but my gaze travels down the line and there they all are, Riley and Ben and Jimmy and Maria and Charlie, but there’s one face missing.
I scan the section, thinking maybe he’s sitting with Georgia and Harry, but they’re in the row behind the others and no Freddie, not even an empty seat.
He’s not here and…yeah, that’s okay. I get it.
“You okay?” Camille asks when she catches the direction of my gaze.
I tear my eyes away. No amount of staring is going to make him suddenly appear. Nodding my head, I follow Camille as she leads me back through the curtain to wait out the next four routines before I skate out on the ice with my partner and win this whole damn thing.