19. Hope
19
HOPE
H ands. All I can feel are hands. Everywhere. I fight against them as hard as I can. I thought I was safe. I got away. I got out.
“Hope. Baby, wake up.”
The words echo through my head, but I can’t make sense of them. Fear pulses through me while I continue pushing against the hands holding me.
“Sweetheart, please open your eyes. You’re safe.”
The soft tone has my eyes shooting open. I move my head around, trying to get my bearings. The soft gray couch underneath me, the sunlight shining through the windows, and the gentle hazel eyes staring at me allow my brain to catch up. I’m in Sonoma. I’m safe. I got away.
“Baby, you were having a nightmare.” Levi’s soft voice caresses me, helping my body calm down from the adrenaline of the too-real nightmare. I turn my body on the couch so I am chest to chest with Levi, my back facing the living room.
“Are you okay?” he asks, concern filling his eyes. He lifts his hand, and I flinch. A residual reaction from the dream. He freezes where he is, a hint of anger radiating off him .
“Sorry.”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” he says vehemently. He slowly lowers his hand, his eyes asking for permission, and I nod my head. He pushes my hair off my forehead, then gently strokes his thumb across my cheek. “I wish I could fix it for you,” he whispers. His words create an emotion I’ve never felt before. An ache sets up shop in my chest, forcing me to take deep breaths so I don’t lose it in front of him.
“You’re helping,” I whisper back. Between his gentle nature and constant zest for life, he’s helped bring me out of my shell. I just wish I could move on from my awful past.
“How did we end up here?” I ask, finally realizing we’re laying on the couch together. “The last thing I remember is starting Remember the Titans .”
Levi’s chest rumbles against me as he chuckles. “Well, I was sitting there enjoying the movie when, all of a sudden, you fell over on me. Hand still in the popcorn bowl.”
“I fell asleep?”
“Like a rock.”
“Oh, my god. That’s embarrassing.” I shove my face into Levi’s chest, trying to hide my mortification. Levi’s hand runs through my hair, and I want to purr at the sensation.
“You were so cute, asleep on my lap, I couldn’t stomach moving you. I guess I ended up falling asleep, too.”
“That’s all any girl wants to be. Cute.”
“Hey, you could’ve snored. Although, I’m pretty sure you drooled on me.”
“No, I didn’t!” I start to get off the couch, but Levi grabs me around the waist, pulling me in closer to him.
“I’m teasing. You didn’t drool.” He smirks at me, humor glowing in his eyes. His sandy brown hair is all messed up from sleep, making him absolutely adorable this morning.
“That wasn’t very nice,” I say sullenly. Levi presses his soft lips against my forehead in apology. I’ve never felt this comfortable in a man’s arms, this safe. I don’t want to ever get up.
“Do you want to talk about the dream?”
I look into Levi’s eyes, finding only patience there. I don’t even want to think about the dream, let alone talk about it. My past is just that, the past. There’s no reason to rehash it.
Allowing someone in could help you push past some of your insecurities. Joy’s voice echoes in my head, but I push it away. No one needs their lives darkened by my history. Especially someone whom I want to see me as more than the battered girl who barely made it out alive.
I shake my head no, willing Levi to take my mind off the fear still simmering under my skin. Maybe I can do it on my own. Be strong enough to take what I want for a change. I glance down at Levi’s plump lips, only inches from my own.
I’ve only kissed a handful of men my entire life. Each one was less thrilling than the last. But I know kissing Levi would be my undoing. He already consumes all my thoughts. Kissing is the next logical step.
And dammit, I just want to. I want to feel the unbridled joy in his soul spread into my own. I want to know what it’s like to be swept up so deep into a kiss it makes all other thoughts leave your head.
Without another thought, I press my lips against his.
For a second, Levi freezes in surprise at my boldness. But he quickly recovers, taking over the kiss. He explores my mouth, teasing my lips with his tongue and teeth. Little nips are soothed away by a swipe of his tongue. The erotic glide stirs something in my body I never knew I possessed. There’s a fire exploding in my core I didn’t know I was capable of experiencing.
My tongue sneaks out to meet Levi’s, and his chest rumbles with a groan. Power courses through me, knowing I made him make that noise. I slow the kiss down, needing a minute to pull myself together .
Our breathing is ragged, chests heaving into each other. I relax my fingers, having unknowingly curled them into Levi’s button-down shirt.
“Wow,” he whispers against my mouth.
“Yeah.”
He leans in to kiss me again, but my stomach lets out a growl to rival Levi’s earlier. Embarrassment floods me as he drops his forehead to mine, a quiet chuckle shaking his chest.
“Shall we get some breakfast?” he asks.
“Only if you’ll kiss me again afterward.”
“I can guarantee I will be kissing you again.”
My grin stretches across my face so wide it’s threatening to split my face in half. I’d be embarrassed, but Levi’s smile matches the width of mine, making me feel less alone.
We both get up from the couch, slowly making our way into the kitchen. I start on some coffee while Levi grabs bacon and eggs. Elbow to elbow, we make breakfast together, speaking only a few words while sharing heavy glances that hold an abundance of meaning.
“Are you going to do something with the fork in your hand?” I ask, realizing Levi has mainly just stood next to me the entire time I’ve been cooking breakfast.
“I’m helping.”
“With what?”
“Something important.” He pokes at the bacon with his fork. “See?”
An unexpected laugh bursts from my chest.
“Fine, so I have no idea how to cook. I’m enjoying being next to you while you cook, though.” He grins at me, and for a short moment, I’m swept up in his playful teasing. I’m not thinking about how awkward I am or how he could find someone with fewer broken pieces.
“Me, too.” My lips tip up as Levi leans in to kiss me before I turn back to the stove to finish breakfast.
This feeling of comfort is foreign but so welcome. I both want to stay with him all day and have him leave to give me room to analyze the whole night. He’s been so unfailingly patient with me. Despite all my triggers, he’s still here this morning. And God knows why. I’m a mess. Getting involved with me is destined to be a disaster.
I mean, I’m a pretty bad bet in the first place, so why the hell would he even want to date me?
“Why did you want to go on a date with me? Out of all the women falling at your feet, why me?” I ask, my thoughts spilling out of my mouth as we sit down at the breakfast bar with our full plates.
Levi pauses, surprised by my out-of-the-blue question, I’m sure. “Because you captivated me from the moment I met you. You’re the only woman who’s been able to make me stop and sit down.” He levels me with a stare so filled with emotion, I can’t pick everything out. Admiration, desire, strength.
All the things I’ve dreamed of seeing in my partner's eyes are finally reflecting back at me. “I’m a lot of work. I’m still gluing my broken pieces back together and am bound to do things wrong.”
“So am I, sweetheart. We’ll just have to go into this with an abundance of grace, knowing we’re both going to mess up.”
“Okay,” I whisper, overcome with emotions I never believed I’d have a chance at feeling.
Levi grins, then returns to his breakfast. I have too many feelings swirling inside me to eat now, but I’m perfectly content to sit here and enjoy his company.
“I’m starting work on the house next week. I’m hoping I can make it habitable relatively soon so I can sleep there.”
“I can’t wait to see it.”
“It’s a mess right now, but I can’t wait to show you my plans.”
Our conversation flows naturally from one topic to the next. Our childhood memories, embarrassing stories, everything. It’s amazing to have this connection with another person. I don’t hold back on anything except for my one deep, dark secret.
Maybe one day I’ll tell Levi what happened to me, but not today.