40. Little Killer
40
Little Killer
I can’t handle being around Ghost right now. It hurts too much, so I’ve been isolating myself in the room he originally designated for me. I feel like it’s the only safe space I have left, a small refuge from everything that has happened. I only step out when I hear him leave, trying to find some peace in the silence that surrounds me. Sometimes, he’s gone for what feels like hours, and other times, it’s just a few fleeting minutes, but he always comes back, and that makes it a little easier to breathe.
He knows I come out when he’s not around because he leaves food out for me now. It’s a strange kind of gesture, almost like he’s trying to take care of me in his own way, but it just reminds me of everything I’m trying to escape. The sight of the food makes me feel a mix of gratitude and sadness. I wish I could say I eat it every time, but sometimes, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I stare at it, feeling so lost and trapped between wanting to nourish myself and the overwhelming pain of facing him again. Each moment feels like a battle, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up.
I did something that took his pride and joy away. I know it wasn’t intentional, and he knows it too. But I killed her. I killed Esmé. I put the knife to her throat and painted the floor red with her blood. I watched her take her last breaths, all while she was probably hoping for the same as I was. Ghost to come save me. She needed to be saved by him, too. He needed to save her to save a piece of himself. How can I ever look at him without seeing her now? As a matter of fact, how could he still keep me around, knowing what I did? Her blood is on my hands. I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could. If I had known who she was, I would have traded places…maybe I don’t know.
In the bathroom, I stare at my reflection, my gaze tracing over the scars—silent testaments to a past I can never erase, no matter how hard I try. A memory burned into my flesh, a permanent reminder of how I fell into the clutches of the devil and barely escaped with my life. And yet, the only reason I’m still standing is because of him—the man I never expected to rely on yet now can’t seem to be without.
I don’t even remember who I was before he came into my life. It all happened so fuckin’ quickly. But when your soul is slipping away, and someone reaches in to pull it back from the nothingness, what choice do you have? You take their hand. You let them save you.
But what happens when the one who saved you is just as lost as you are? When the very thing holding you together is also the one thing pulling you under?
I grip the edges of the sink, my knuckles turning from light brown to white. The cold porcelain floor grounds me, keeps me from spiraling into every dark thought that has ever consumed me. His face flickers in the back of my eyes–the way that Ghost looked at me that night when I couldn’t control myself after Marklov said those things. I am forever in his debt.
I exhale shakily, turning on the faucet, splashing the cold tap water on my face, as if it will wash away all the thoughts buzzing around in my head and the darkness crawling underneath my skin. The water drips down my scar and onto my chin. I can’t keep going like this or I will lose my mind.
The front door opens and shuts, and for a moment, it is silent. Soon after, footsteps follow. I brace myself because I know I will have no other choice but to face him. Maybe it is time. I can’t run from everything that comes my way. I was so much stronger before and now…now, I am in my own purgatory.
Two knocks lightly hit the door. “Hey, Little Killer, are you okay in there? Can we talk, please?” his voice sounds hopeful.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, I think that would be great. Just a second, and I will be out.” There is no time like the present, right?
His footsteps fade away from the bathroom door, and I take a moment to gather myself. Breathe in and smell the flowers, breathe out to blow out the candle before it burns your home down.
The door opens, and I step out quietly. Ghost is sitting at the table, and as soon as he sees me, he stands up.
“Hi… " he hesitates.
I smile lightly. “Hey…”
“I brought you home some… sustenance.” He grins, and as he pulls out the bag, I can already smell that fresh mix of cilantro and lime. It hits me that he planned this. He was set on getting me out of that room tonight, and he knew exactly how to do it. I mean, I am not one to miss out on good food.
But honestly, it’s not just about the food. It’s about the way he said ‘you’ and ‘home’ together in the same sentence. That little four-letter word feels so heavy for me. Home has been such a complicated idea my whole life, something I’ve been longing for but can’t quite grasp. Something always happens. His words kind of shake me up; they remind me of how much I want that feeling of belonging, that sense of safety.
So here I am, caught between the mouthwatering tacos and the emotional weight of his words, feeling this tiny spark of hope. Maybe there’s a way to figure out what ‘home’ really means for me, even if it feels kinda out of reach right now.
I hesitate for a moment. “I…I thought you hated me.” the words just come out. “I thought the moment that you laid eyes on me, you would kill me.” it has to be said.
“What?” he spits out in disbelief. “Of course not. What? why would you even think that?” he shakes his head in confusion.
“Because of what I done to your baby sister…Esmé.” I say lowly.
“Don’t say her name.” he demands.
“I’m sorry, I jus–”
“No, just don’t speak of her. Shes gone and while we are on the topic, her body was recovered. There wasn’t much left of her but what the coroner did find matched her file in every way. We get to put her down properly and you will be attending.”
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that Gabriel, you know why does everyone else know what I did?”
“Don’t worry about everyone else. It is just you and me. It just us and that is all that matters.” He places his hand softly on my chin lifting my eyes to his. “Do you understand Little Killer?”
I don’t know what is wrong with me I am cowarding down to him. Listening to his every word. “Yes…” our eyes search in one anothers as if they have found something. Soul mates.
“You are not the one to blame. You are not the one that brought her there. You are not the one…the one who put her in danger in the first place. I did. And don’t for a second think this is all on you. If anyone here is to blame its me.” He lets go of me and faulters back a little.
“Hey, hey.” my voice is soft. I step closer to him placing a hand on his shoulder and a hand on the side of his neck. He instantly grabs me up and wraps his strong tattooed arms around me picks me up and breathes me in. I can’t help but melt into him. “I got you, its okay…”
“I can’t lose you to Little Killer…or this would have all been for nothing. I need you and I know you need me. We were destined for one another and I may sound crazy but maybe this is the way it is meant to be.” my heart flutters and I start to feel goosebumps cover my body. “I love you, Inés…”