Chapter 21
Palmer
Somehow porn had fallen into the research category for him.
“He just kept rubbing the tip of the sub’s penis.” Ferris shrugged as I tried to keep a straight face. “It was supposed to be a punishment and he squirmed and even cried, but he came at the end.”
I was starting to see why Ferris had described the scene as confusing.
“If he got to come why was it a punishment?” Leaning back, he frowned as he set his fork down.
He looked perfectly normal dining naked but with the turn the conversation had taken it was slightly distracting for me.
“The way he hugged his Master and said he loved him at the end was also confusing. Why was that in question?”
Did they make porn that explained what happened at the end like some kind of debrief?
Surely there was some kind of YouTuber who was doing that as a job.
“Well, strong emotional scenes bring out a wide range of reactions.” This one seemed real enough he might’ve been watching homemade porn. “Depending on how it started, he might’ve felt like he’d disappointed his Dom and he needed to make sure his Dom knew how he was feeling.”
What else?
“Master.” His serious tone made me blink. “The sub has a Master, not Dom.”
Interesting.
He was oddly firm on that.
“That might have something to do with it too.” It seemed to for Ferris for some reason. “If they have a more...a more intense BDSM relationship, the sub might’ve needed to tell his Master how much he loved him. His brain might’ve needed to make that clear before he could sink into subspace?”
We were going to have to watch it together for me to be sure.
“If you were in that situation, I think you’d respond differently.” But how? “What—”
“Do you think I wouldn’t love you as much as he did his Master?” Ferris might’ve actually been offended. It was hard to tell with how blank his expression had gone, but even for him the change was clear. “He was crying when he said it. I don’t really do that and I don’t want to.”
Was that the point he’d been trying to get to?
The conversation had come out of the blue and I hadn’t been able to figure out where we were going with it.
“Love has nothing to do with how much demonstrative emotion you show to someone. Everyone expresses themselves differently. I’m not a tears kind of guy either.
Are you going to doubt my emotions if I don’t cry?
” Something about the way he went still said he’d barely stopped himself from saying something.
But what?
“Neither party has to cry to prove anything. You’re right.”
Oh.
Dom versus sub.
Got it.
“That’s correct.” And I was glad he realized it fairly quickly. “Partners, especially anyone in a BDSM relationship, can show their love and feelings in different ways.”
Hmm.
He was just staring at me.
“Like today.” Hoping I wasn’t rushing him, I kept my voice steady as I gave him an example. “You were upset and you knew without overthinking that you needed to come here. That showed me you trusted me and that you have strong emotions for me.”
Did this have anything to do with our earlier conversation?
“It made me feel good and it brought out protective feelings.” And more, but we’d start there. “I’m not going to assume I know all your feelings toward me, but you make me feel special and I think I do the same for you.”
And...I got a nod.
That was progress, so I waited to let him gather his thoughts.
Waiting was hard.
“You take me to Olive Garden without lecturing me and you sit with me in your chair.” Letting out a breath, he nodded slowly. Something was going on in his head and it wasn’t the same as what I was getting out loud. “And I make sure to cuddle with you a lot.”
Oh.
“I appreciate that.” I just hadn’t seen it the same way he did. “It makes me feel taken care of and I like that you see my needs and you take them seriously.”
What else?
“You also make me feel important because you really pay attention to me. I never feel like I’m boring you or that you’d rather be someplace else.” I wasn’t the most exciting Dom and I’d lost out on a lot of second dates because I didn’t usually go to dance clubs and places like that.
“I...” Pausing, he took a long moment to sort out his thoughts. “I want to tell you that I like how you are but I’m a little worried that will come out wrong.”
I almost laughed.
My boy liked that I was boring.
“We complement each other and there’s nothing wrong with that.
” Smiling to make sure he could see I wasn’t upset, I stood up and went around my small kitchen table to crouch down beside him.
“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you the past couple of weeks and I don’t need you to be anyone else but who you are. ”
His brain still seemed to be going too fast, but he slowly came back to life as he nodded and leaned over to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Stealing one, I kissed his lips as I ran my hand over his still bare chest before standing. “Alright, first question before I decide the rest of our evening. Are you done with dinner?”
The quick chicken pasta I’d made was filling, so I wasn’t surprised when he nodded. “Second, what time do you want to leave tonight?”
Nothing.
After a few more seconds he made a soft frustrated sound he didn’t seem to notice. I did my best to keep a pleased side of neutral expression and waited. Eventually he got it out. “Do I have to leave?”
I’d hoped that was what he was going to ask, but it was good to hear.
“No.” That wouldn’t be enough information for him, so I took his hand and helped him to stand. “You’re right. I do like touching you.”
He smiled and shrugged. “A lot of Doms seemed to need that, but you listen when touching is...difficult.”
“You’re good at telling me how you’re feeling.” Or showing me when he started to panic. “Another way we’re good together.”
Nodding, he made a quiet hum as I ran my hand over his back and slowly released him. “We have good communication.”
“I think that’s one of our best qualities as a couple.” We were definitely better than average in that category. “Another is how much chemistry we have.”
He gave a soft laugh as I made sure to look very proud of myself. “You made me come.”
“I did.” I’d done a good job at it too. “Have your thoughts on that changed any while we’ve had dinner?”
Stepping back, I let him think about the question as I started putting everything away.
Ferris took a moment before he started to help, but with as much as he was processing, it made sense.
Working together seemed to get us finished before he was ready to answer, so I led him through the house turning off lights while he thought.
Nothing in his behavior made me worry but I was curious about how he was feeling. He gave me a clue as we got to the bedroom by taking charge and leading me over to our discussion chair. As soon as I sat down, he perched on my lap, adorably serious expression firmly in place. “I enjoyed orgasming.”
“I’m glad.” What else would he need to hear? “I liked making you come but just playing with you and teasing you was a lot of fun.”
That had him studying me, so I thought I needed to explain a bit more. “I thoroughly enjoy just making you feel good even if it doesn’t lead to an orgasm. I know we talked about that originally but my views on it haven’t changed over time.”
He blinked like his brain was shifting information around.
“So if it doesn’t happen again, you’re not going to be frustrated? I don’t want you to be disappointed if it’s a one-time thing.” He was serious about that but there was no way we’d have to worry about that.
“So far what I’ve learned about our sexual compatibility is that I need cuddles from you and I’m getting appropriate levels of that.
We’re good there because just the times you’ve enjoyed my muscles fulfill that need.
” He didn’t seem to see the muscle worship as cuddling but it worked the same for me.
“I love having you caged and naked for me.” That would never get old.
“I’m also thoroughly enjoying exploring things you might like.
Such as the prostate stimulation. That doesn’t always have to lead to an orgasm but I loved the way you enjoyed it.
That wouldn’t change if our goal shifted to being subspace or just using it as a relaxing reward on stressful days. ”
“We probably shouldn’t connect those two in my head or I might start overreacting just to get my reward.” Ferris sighed, making me fight back a smile. “My default state is drama when I’m upset, so I don’t need to send my body mixed signals.”
“I don’t know...I’d like teaching your body to become aroused every time you think of me helping you through a problem.” His slightly confused jolt said he hadn’t thought about that. “I like control and it would fall into that category for me.”
“I hadn’t thought about it that way.” Cocking his head, he started turning the idea over in his head. “I like doing things that make you happy...especially when they make us both happy.”
He shrugged when I finally chuckled. “I can’t help it. I like being right.”
Ah.
“You do a lot of things right when it comes to our relationship.” I couldn’t leave it there. “But even if you did something wrong or hurt my feelings, that wouldn’t change anything between us.”
Ferris wasn’t the type to cheat or try to steal my TV, so I wasn’t worried about anything truly terrible happening.
But his frown...
“I’m going to do this right.” Sighing would not have been the correct response, but I had to remind myself of that several times before it stuck. “It’s important.”
He was downplaying his feelings and we both knew it.
“Thank you for letting me know how important it is to you, but we’re going to have to work on a plan to do our best to keep it that way.” How would we make that work? “To start with, I think we need to make a rule that once a week or once a day we’ll debrief any problems or issues we ran into.”
That was the best place I could think of to start but I was going to have to do some research about truly solid relationships.
Ferris blinked, probably surprised I hadn’t tried to talk him out of the “doing it right” part. “I think that sounds reasonable.”
Ha.
Shocked him.
“Do you have any suggestions on how we’ll keep our communication strong?” When he blinked and couldn’t find a verbal response, I kept going. “Making a good list of rules and limits we want to follow seems like another good starting point.”
For whatever reason, that was the part that made him come back to life. “The level of rules and the amount of structure vary between Doms and Masters.”
I was impressed at how often we were coming back to talking about Masters and Doms. Admittedly I was slow on the uptake, but in my defense, he was usually very upfront about what he was thinking.
Him trying to be subtle was so shocking I hadn’t even considered the possibility.
“I think that’s correct in most cases. I know a few people who don’t like specific words because of their pasts. In those situations, the words might not match the actions.” Ferris didn’t have those same kinds of associations, but he had others he hadn’t mentioned.
Maybe because he thought there was some kind of limit or rule around it?
“How do you see the difference between Dom and Master?” I knew we were getting to the heart of the matter when he went very still.
I could almost hear the wheels in his head grinding to a halt before they slowly started spinning again. Just as we were approaching too fast, he swallowed hard. “Masters have more rules and expectations for their subs.”
Okay, not a bad start.
“Can you give me an example of one?” Figuring out the best way to steer the conversation was interesting. “I want to make sure I understand.”
Everything...what he was thinking...how he saw it...what he wanted...but we had to start that process somewhere.
“Well...” Dragging it out, he went still again as he thought about something. “No.”
Interesting response.
“Is that how we answer my question?” Would I need to get stubborn about it? “Would a Master accept that as a response?”
Oh.
That had him sucking in a breath.
He blinked like he was an android who’d needed to reset. “That could be up for debate.”
So he was ready to be stubborn about the situation?
“I don’t think so, but say you’re correct.” We could start from some place that unreasonable. “Can you give me an example where a Master wouldn’t expect his sub to give him an example of a rule or expectation?”
It was starting to get hard to stick to the main point, so I really hoped we didn’t have to play this out for many more rounds. He had a better immediate recall about our conversations than I did and I didn’t want to look stupid at the moment.
“He.” Stopping, Ferris blinked and didn’t seem to know how to respond.
Time for a change.
Shifting the arm that I had wrapped around him, I wrapped my hand firmly around the back of his neck. When that got a shiver from him and he lost some of the rigidity in his posture, I took that as a good sign. “Am I going to allow this behavior to continue?”
Slowly coming back to life, he swallowed hard and wiggled on my lap like his cage had suddenly become snugger. “No.”
Raising one eyebrow, I waited a moment before trying to look even more serious. “Try again.”
Oh, he liked that.
Gaze going foggy, he sucked in a deep breath before letting it out slowly.
As his body started to relax, it looked like he couldn’t decide how he wanted to sit.
He shifted and leaned toward me before shivering.
Thankfully I caught on quicker to what he was trying not to say this time and tightened my grip.
He was tugging on me to feel my hold on his neck.
After a few rounds of edging himself, his mind seemed to have slowed down enough to stop fighting me. “No, Master.”
“Much better.” That didn’t mean I was going to release him, though. “I think we need to make sure you remember that lesson, though.”
Eventually we’d have to actually talk about the rest of it, but I wasn’t going to rush us. My adorable overthinker wasn’t quite ready to explain that he wanted a Master not a Dom.
That put this into a show versus tell situation, but luckily for him, his Master was adaptable.