Chapter Nine
Audrey had a girlfriend, Zora, and that should have been good news.
It was, finally, confirmation that she was queer—though Hallie had pretty much been sold on the fact—but, more than that, it was supposed to be the impetus to have Hallie backing off, that made it easier to pretend to be with River, the thing that shut down all of the silly little crush feelings she’d felt bubbling up inside her all day.
Alas, her body hadn’t quite gotten the message. Its overwhelming emotion was jealousy, disappointment following quickly after it. And that, more than anything, was confirmation that she was definitely developing a crush on her fake girlfriend’s cousin. Shit.
“I just really wanted to get rid of uncertainty for people,” Audrey said quietly, looking out at the night sky.
“It’s bad enough that you’ve lost someone, but when you’re lacking answers and you’ve lost someone, how are you ever supposed to process and keep going?
A lot of cases I’m brought in for are… fairly gruesome deaths.
Too early, violent, covered up… and I can use insects to help answer some of the questions. ”
Hallie sucked in a difficult breath. That was so admirable, so considered and gracious. How was she supposed to get over the little crush if Audrey was going to be out here being the most fascinating, genuine person she’d ever met? “So, you always knew that’s where you’d end up?”
She shook her head. “No. I always knew it would be bugs, but it was only when I took a class that covered how they could be used in forensics that I knew I couldn’t not do that.
And, you know, there aren’t that many places that just hire full-time forensic entomologists, but, this way, I get to do that and I get to teach a few entomology classes and share my love with the next generation too.
I get to do research. It’s the best of both worlds. ”
“Wow.” The whole thing was mesmerizing. “I just work at an inn…”
Audrey turned to look at her, smiling so warmly it melted Hallie’s insides. “I think that’s interesting.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I do! I love hearing about other people’s jobs, and inns are fascinating. The things that happen there, the people you meet. I’m sure there’s so much gossip behind the scenes.”
Hallie walked backwards to sit on the bench that filled the space between their two bedroom doors.
“I guess there is quite a bit of gossip, yeah. And the customers can be so interesting. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a customer service job, so some of them can be shocking, but, overall, people are great.
And, you know, it’s kind of famous for being cosy and romantic, so we get a lot of really cute couples coming through. ”
She paused when she realized she was heading into dangerous territory with those thoughts. Especially when Audrey was watching her so intently and moving to sit beside her. She should have worked harder to keep River in the conversation.
Audrey laughed gently. “I suppose it makes sense in such a setting that people would fall for their colleagues.”
“Right…” Hallie’s stomach turned. The truth felt like it was bubbling up inside of her, desperate to fling itself from her body.
Sure, she didn’t know Audrey all that well yet, but she didn’t want to lie to her.
They were forming a friendship and she didn’t want to do that on a fake foundation. It felt all wrong.
“Do you not think?”
“Uh, yeah, I think it’s possible. That it’s something that would make sense.
There haven’t actually been that many couples on the staff.
” Her heart raced, her brain circling on the idea of telling Audrey the truth.
What would happen if she did? Would it really be all that bad? It was just one person…
But she and River had agreed not to do that.
Sure, they hadn’t discussed individual people and what would happen if Hallie became friends with anyone here—most especially Audrey, who was already something of an outsider in the group—but it was implied.
If you wanted to sell a fake relationship, you couldn’t start telling people it was fake.
Audrey laughed. “Well, there is one now.”
“I suppose so, yeah.”
“I actually work with a few couples. Funny how a more romantic setting is losing out to a college and forensics…”
Hallie laughed, the sound a little disjointed. “Yeah, that last one might not be screaming romance…”
“Maybe not. But, you know, when your job is… well, death, it can be tricky finding people that fact doesn’t stress out or disgust, so maybe it makes sense people would date within the pool.”
“Ah, yeah. Maybe there should be more people working in hotels who end up together, bonded by the horrifying scenes they’ve witnessed in guests’ rooms.”
Audrey laughed. “Perhaps the housekeepers are doing exactly that. I can see it now, all of them discussing and dissecting the stains they’ve seen left on sheets in the middle of their first dates.”
Hallie recoiled, shooting Audrey a revolted look even as she laughed. “Do you mind? That’s horrifying!”
“Hey, just calling it how it is. You think I don’t visit crime scenes? More than one hotel there…”
“It’s clearly a wonder anyone remotely connected to your job is dating at all. It must really put you off people and the things they can do.”
Audrey’s smile dropped and she adjusted her position, sucking in a slow breath.
“Sometimes, yeah, but you’ve got to hold onto the good, the knowledge that, while terrible things can happen, almost everyone has people who love and care about them.
Things can be hard, but what it really comes down to is finding answers for the ones who are grieving, the ones who go on loving. And dignity for the ones who are lost”
Hallie stared at her. It was a wonder someone whose family treated them so badly had such a beautiful outlook on life.
Sure, it helped her stay… grounded and optimistic in the face of the horrific, but there was something about her that was just good, that wanted to stay soft and gentle, that saw the beauty in the bad and just kept loving.
She deserved so much more than she was being given by her family.
And what harm would telling someone like that the truth do? Audrey knew how to keep secrets. She was doing it constantly around all of these people who didn’t really know her.
“And that’s why you do it,” she said, watching Audrey intently.
“Yeah. I can handle the bugs and the bodies. It can be awful, of course, but you learn how to protect yourself. The part that always sticks with me is the grief around it all. I don’t talk to a lot of the loved ones, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see it.
People always think they have more time, you know?
It’s human. They worry about being too much, go along with what’s expected of them, and they always think they’ll have time later to tell someone how much they love them, how much they matter.
Then, the unthinkable happens. How does anyone deal with that?
The least I can do is help provide some answers. ”
Hallie hugged her blankets impossibly closer to her.
Perhaps it made sense that someone so closely connected to death understood living better than most. Perhaps that explained why she kept coming around a family that rejected her.
She never wanted to regret things, never wanted to squander days where she could have shown someone they were loved.
And, sure, they didn’t know each other all that well.
Audrey wasn’t one of her loved ones. Hallie wasn’t someone Audrey really cared about.
But… they had this moment, and she could connect or she could hide.
She could open up and take the chance, just in case tomorrow never came, or she could hope, without knowing what would happen, that she’d get another shot.
She wasn’t completely sure what she wanted another shot at. It wasn’t as though she and Audrey were likely to run into each other again. But… she wanted to connect. She wanted one person here to know her. Risky though that was.
“It’s not that far from what you do,” Audrey said unexpectedly.
Hallie spluttered in surprise. “What? Yes, it is! I check people into hotel rooms, plan excursions for them, give them… wake-up calls. It’s not the same.”
Audrey shook her head, looking impossibly genuine and thoughtful as she looked at Hallie.
“You care about people and their needs. Sure, it seems different—and your people are alive, I hope—but it’s caring, looking into the things people need, trying to help them.
You spend your days connecting. That’s not nothing. ”
Hallie stared. How was one of the smartest people she’d ever met looking at her job and thinking it so much grander than it was?
Hallie enjoyed her job, and she had aspirations of advancing, but she’d heard from more than enough people that it wasn’t exactly rocket science.
But, there she was, talking to a real-life scientist and feeling…
blown away. “River and I aren’t dating.”
The quiet night seemed to become oppressive in the moment after she registered what she’d just said.
As though everything fell completely silent and all she could hear was a high-pitched whining.
The horror of the confession was pressing up against her ear drums and making everything real and terrible.
Audrey blinked and pressed her lips together, nodding slowly. “Okay. That’s… interesting.”
Hallie laughed wildly, the sound unpleasant. “Sorry. I definitely shouldn’t have said that.”
“I’ve probably said weirder.”
“Have you?”
“Uh… no.”
Hallie laughed again, the sound a little more natural. “I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have said that. Please forget I said anything. I’m going to go.”
“Hallie,” Audrey said, reaching to grab her arm as best she could when Hallie stood up to leave. “It’s okay.”
“It’s many things, but I don’t know about that. It was pretty heavily implied that we’d be keeping it a secret.”
Audrey half smiled. “I’m actually really good at secrets. Especially around my family. It’s not like any of them are going to ask me questions about the two of you. They’re going to see what they want to see.”
“Two people in love.”
“Sure.” She scrunched her nose. “I’m actually not convinced that’s a requisite part of it, but we all pretend it’s that, don’t we?”
Hallie blinked rapidly, her brain still spinning. “How’d you mean?”
“Love. Sure, there’s some of that, but it’s not what everyone cares the most about. It’s just… finding someone, being with them, the illusion of love and the idea that partnership is success. It’s the image. So long as you can provide that image, nobody will ask a thing.”
“I’m so unclear on how this family produced you.”
“It made River too.”
“Right. But she’s… sweet. She imagines the best in every situation.”
“And I’m… not sweet?”
Hallie’s breathing stumbled. She was screwing this whole thing up in every way it was possible to do so. The last thing she’d been trying to do was insult Audrey. “No. I mean, yes, you are! I just meant… you… uh, you… Fuck.”
Audrey laughed and nudged her. “Take your time.”
Hallie took a moment, breathing purposefully, concentrating on the bitterly cold air surging into her body.
“I just meant,” she said eventually, “that you think about these things in a way River doesn’t.
She’s not bought into all the same attitudes as your family, but she just sees them as the way things are.
You… you’re out here actively going against them and feeling the brunt of all that. And yet…”
“I never wanted to get lost in all of it. I knew I hated the way my family saw life, knew I wanted more than that. And, I moved away, started working with what happens at the end of life. It’s hard to see that and not want more than tolerable while you’re alive.”
“Going against your family takes far more strength than you’re giving yourself credit for.”
The more they spoke, the easier it was for Hallie to calm down, to feel like she hadn’t blown everything.
Audrey shot her an amused look. “I was the weird kid who ran around talking about bugs, crying whenever I saw a bumble bee dying on the sidewalk. My whole life set me up to go my own way. My family thinks my job is fucking weird.”
“They should be proud of you. It’s amazing.”
“There’s a lot of things they should be doing, but I’m still here. Still waiting for the day they love me.”
“Audrey…”
She smiled sadly and sat up straighter. “It’s okay. The whole thing isn’t as bad as it sounds. And I’m sure they love me in their way. Families are just complicated.”
Hallie wanted Audrey to meet her family. They were chaotic and they’d had their moments as kids of fighting like it was to the death, but they loved each other, they listened and understood each other. It was a million miles from the Sinclairs. She wanted Audrey to know that was possible.
Audrey cleared her throat. “So, all that to say, I’m not surprised River brought a fake girlfriend this year.
You do what you have to in order to get through this thing.
And I don’t judge her for a second for wanting them to love her and treat her well.
She’s doing what she has to. Thank you for helping her with that. ”
“I didn’t know it was going to be quite like this,” Hallie said quietly, feeling dizzy.
“Yeah.” She huffed, her breath a huge cloud in the dark night. “It’s not the kind of family I’d want to bring someone around.”
That explained why her girlfriend wasn’t here. They’d done too much damage while she was single. She was never going to subject the person she loved more than the whole sky to them.
“Right,” Hallie sighed. “I’m kind of glad I’m not really into River and this isn’t something I have to do every Christmas going forward.”
Audrey laughed. “Maybe she’d benefit from someone like you. You know, help her break free of the toxicity.”
“Is anyone helping you break free of it?” Hallie’s heart ached. Audrey had a girlfriend. She had someone to help her navigate this whole thing. There was no way they didn’t talk about whether it was healthy and wise for her to be here. That wasn’t Hallie’s job.
Audrey shot her a wry look. “I know what I’m doing to myself. Maybe one day I’ll stop coming, but I… I don’t know. I do what I have to do.”
“For yourself or for them?”
She was still for a long time. “For them, I guess,” she whispered eventually, and, even with as quiet as her voice was, the heartbreak was audible.
She wanted it to be for herself, that much was obvious, but she knew, deep down, that she was showing up for other people, for those who took seeing her as their opportunity to tear her down.
She deserved so much better.