Chapter 14
fourteen
Maddox
The door to my room bursts open for the second time.
Easton storms inside and freezes when his gaze falls on me.
I’m still in the same spot I was when he left.
I vaguely recall Alvarez’s head popping in to make sure I was still alive.
I haven’t been able to get my feet to work.
I’m having enough trouble getting my vital organs to keep functioning.
Easton takes a step toward me, and I flinch.
I don’t even know why. I’m a mass of confusion, of hurt and shame.
I don’t know what to say to fix this. I’m not sure this can be fixed.
All I know is he looks angry standing there on the other side of my room.
His brows are twisted in a scowl, mouth flat with determination.
It’s the look he gets when he’s up to bat, ready to destroy a pitch.
I’m a little afraid he’s about to destroy me.
“East,” I start weakly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.
This is all completely a me problem. I thought it would go away.
I’ve tried so fucking hard. But it’s not going away, and that’s why I cut off contact.
It was a fucked thing to do. I know that.
” He moves toward me, and every muscle in my body goes rigid.
Bracing for another fight. “I thought I could get over you while you were gone,” I rush out.
“Then we could go back to how we used to be. Maddy and East. Best friends. I can’t be in love with you anymore.
I’m sorry, but I can’t. I don’t know how else to get over you without doing this.
And it’s killing me, East. It’s eating me alive—”
He grips my face, and time stops. He just stares at me, a resolute look shining in his light-blue eyes, a few small inches separating us.
I bite my lip hard. My heart is scrambling in my chest, trying to run away from and get closer to the man in front of me all at the same time.
His attention falls to my mouth, and my eyebrows fly to my hairline.
Nope. They fly right off my fucking head.
Because an unsteady breath falls from East, his gaze locked on my lips.
What…is happening right now?
“East?” My voice is the smallest it’s ever been, every shred of uncertainty coming out in that one word.
His throat ripples in a heavy swallow, and his fingers flex on my face. “I…um…I need to do something, I think.”
“What do you need to do?” I whisper. I’m a little afraid the answer is going to be…
His gaze flicks up to mine. “Kiss you.”
Oh, God. Oh no. My pulse takes off. It’s a runner stealing a base. But when you steal a base, it’s a big risk. Just like this is. It’s too late, though. Easton is making the call for both of us.
His lips brush against mine. Soft and tentative and—Oh, shit.
They’re so fucking perfect. Oh no, no no no.
Something just exploded in my chest. Detonated.
Pretty sure it was my heart. His hands slide to cradle my head, and he leans into the kiss, mouth pressing harder.
I can barely breathe. A decade of repressed love is threatening to burst from me.
I think this kiss is going to be the end of me.
Then his tongue slides against my lips, and I have my answer. Yup. It’s going to kill me. No person is built to withstand emotions of this magnitude. Even though every cell in my body is screaming to deepen the kiss, I turn away from him and press gently against his chest.
He pulls back but doesn’t drop my face. His blue eyes search mine, a night sky of questions shimmering back at me. I couldn’t possibly answer any of them.
“Wh-what are you doing, East?”
His brow pinches and his gaze slips to my lips again. “Kissing you.” The words are low, rough and raspy.
“I…don’t understand,” I whisper. “You’re straight. Why would you kiss me?”
“I think maybe I’m not as straight as I thought I was.”
I jerk away from him and pace over to the other side of my room. A-fucking-what now? I drag a hand through my hair. It’s longer than I usually keep it, but I haven’t found it in me to care to get it cut.
“What do you mean you’re not as straight as you thought? Like what the fuck, East. You can’t just say things like that to me.”
Does he have any idea what those words mean coming from him?
And what it will do to me if it turns out not to be true?
I suck in a breath, but nothing happens.
I’m drowning; my lungs flooded with painful emotion.
Of crushed hope. That’s the only way this ends.
Straight guys don’t just magically turn gay.
Not for their pathetic, lovesick best friend. It just doesn’t happen.
“I don’t…know that gender matters to me,” he says slowly.
Almost like he’s trying to figure it out along the way.
“All I know is that I’ve never cared for anyone the way that I care for you.
No other friend, no girlfriend. After being away from you these past months?
Not hearing from you? I was fucking heartbroken, Maddy.
” Pain flashes over his features, and I hate myself.
I hate myself for hurting him. I hate myself for putting us in this position.
“You’re everything to me, Maddy,” he whispers. “A vital part of me I can’t live without. I thought it was because we were best friends. I’ve always loved you. I just hadn’t realized all this time I’ve been in love with you too.”
I’m shaking my head. No. This can’t be happening. Is this happening? This is a nightmare. I’m going to wake up and find myself alone in my bed, the love of my life nowhere to be found. A cruel, sick, twisted fucking joke.
He walks up to me, slow and hesitant, like he’s afraid I’m seconds from fleeing. I am. I’m so close to tearing from this room and running. I’m terrified and elated, and it’s a horrible combination. The kind that threatens your sanity.
Easton stops in front of me. He doesn’t touch me, though, and I’m grateful. I think I’d crumble. I’m barely holding it together.
“It’s like muscle memory,” he whispers. “I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s an essential part of who I am—second nature.
I think I was born to love you, Maddy. Simple as that.
And maybe…since I don’t experience sexual attraction the way most people do, I never recognized it for what it was.
” His gaze darts to my lips and back up.
He swallows hard. “But, uh, yeah. I think I see a bit more clearly now that it’s definitely more than friendship. ”
I can’t wrap my head around this. Though it’s really not that complicated. But it’s so fucking complicated.
“You’re in love with me. Me. A guy. With a penis.”
Easton’s lips twitch slightly. “Yeah, Maddy.”
“You…you don’t care I have a penis?”
“I’m really happy for you that you have a penis.”
I glare at him and let out a small huff. “You know what I mean. It doesn’t freak you out…the thought of being with me physically. Where there will be my…”
“Penis. I would hope it would be there and not somewhere else.”
I deadpan. “I changed my mind. I am no longer in love with you.”
“Relax. I’m just joking around.”
“That’s the thing. This isn’t some joke. I am extremely serious. Baseball serious. This is a lot for a person to process at once—whether it’s the person experiencing it or the person on the receiving end.” I take a step back, needing some space. My thoughts are too crowded.
“You think you might have discovered you have romantic feelings for me. Do you want to have sex with me?” I meet his gaze, but it gives nothing away.
“I know you’ve struggled with your sexuality and attraction.
I, in no way, want to pressure you, but how do you know you won’t go running the minute dicks are out?
There are so many ways this could go wrong.
” God. So. Fucking. Many. “What if you realize this affection you’ve always had isn’t actually romantic? ”
The confused organ in my chest is doing laps. It has no idea what its destination is. Are we stopping at euphoria or getting dropped off at desolation? There’s pressure behind my eyes, but I’m not sure if the threatening tears are from happiness, sorrow, or the chaos of too much all at once.
“What if you realize this was a huge mistake?” I say hoarsely.
“I-I’m not sure I can handle that devastation, East. Because that’s what it would do to me.
I’ve loved you from afar our whole lives knowing I’d never have you.
To let myself think I can—” My voice cracks, and I can barely get the rest out.
“To try and then have it taken away. It would gut me.”
His top teeth dig into his bottom lip. He searches my eyes.
I’m not sure what he’s looking for. He slowly closes the distance between us, and now I’ve found myself backed up against another wall.
I slump against it, East towering over me.
I hate how much I love it. I hate how much I want to stay like this forever.
“Can I kiss you again, Maddy?”
“I-I don’t know.”
“Please,” he whispers. “I need to show you something.”
I swallow hard and nod unsteadily. My muscles lock tight, but I’m not bracing for a fight this time. I’m bracing for my ruination. Because that’s what his lips on mine are going to do. Ruin me. It’ll either be in the best way or the worst.
He leans in.
We’re about to find out.
East’s lips press against mine at the same time his hand slides up my neck to cup the back of my head. There’s no uncertainty this time. No. Just surety.
His mouth passes over mine, gently, unhurried.
He takes his time, each kiss lighting me up like a flare.
Just when I think it’s about to fizzle out, he does something new, a fresh flare igniting.
He sucks on my top lip. Grazes his teeth over the bottom one.
Presses a small kiss to the corner of my mouth before coming back for more.
My heart is trembling in my chest; it quivers with disbelief.
Everything it’s ever wanted is within reach.
But it’s too scared to believe it’s real. I’m too scared to believe it’s real.
His fingers tighten on my skull, and he angles my head. Then his tongue is there, sliding over my bottom lip, dipping inside. Shallow. Not demanding. Asking permission. My legs go weak, and I fall heavier against the wall.
I’m still terrified to touch him. My hands are probably permanently stuck to the wall at my back at this point with how hard my fingers are digging into it. There will be finger holes in the drywall. A memorial: Maddox Barnes was kissed to death here.
I’ve dreamed of this moment since I was a very confused twelve-year-old trying to sort through what he was feeling for his very much male best friend. Kissing Easton. Oh God, how I’ve dreamed of kissing him. So, I let myself indulge in the dream. Even if it could morph into a nightmare.
My tongue slides to meet his, and he gasps against my mouth.
Everything draws tight at that small contact, that small hitch of breath.
And then it snaps. I reach for him at the same time he pushes into me.
Slow obliterates, and his tongue surges into my mouth.
I roll mine against his. Fingers grasp. Hair is pulled.
Blood ignites. A fire builds deep in my gut like I’ve swallowed the sun.
The euphoria of Easton’s tongue tangling with mine is one I’ve never known.
I’m scared to even think it, but I think maybe he feels it too.
It has my mind contemplating dangerous things.
Like maybe he means it.
Maybe he is in love with me.
Maybe I can have him.
Please, God, let me have him.
I whimper against his mouth, not sure if it’s my cry to God, to the universe, to anything that might listen, or if it’s simply the bliss that’s overwhelming me right now.
East swallows it down and kisses me harder.
His free hand slides down my arm and wraps around my wrist. His fingers tighten.
My pulse stutters. Then he brings my hand between us, slides it up his stomach, up over the swells of his muscled chest to rest over his heart.
He flattens it, laying his over mine, pressing my palm into him. His lips disappear from mine, our panting breaths dancing between us. His eyes bore into me, stealing my ability to look away.
“Do you feel that?” he says.
My fingers twitch over his frantically thumping heart. Each beat pierces my palm. Strong. Sure.
I nod slowly.
“That’s for you, Maddox Barnes.”
My eyes widen and I shake my head as a shuddering breath escapes me. He grips my chin, halts my denial.
His expression turns hard. “For. You.” Firm. “For. You.” Resolute.
I swallow hard and dip my chin softly.
His features soften instantly. “I’ve been so blind, Maddy,” he whispers. “So fucking blind.” His thumb dances over my bottom lip. “It’s been you all along.”
My eyes burn and East grows blurry in front of me.
“I’m new at feeling this, at understanding what this has always been…
I don’t know what it will mean physically, not yet.
But I know one thing—I’ll love you. I always have.
And now that I see it clearly? There’s no turning back.
” He hesitates, glances away. “I… I understand if that’s not enough, though. ”
“East,” I whisper, and his attention falls back on me. “I’ve been in love with you for nearly a decade. Without anything physical. I’d go the rest of my life without that if it meant having your love. Having you as mine. I don’t need that. I just need you.”
He sucks in a breath. “Okay. Yeah. Um. That’s good. Really good. Right? This is…”
A soft, slightly hysterical chuckle falls from me. “Good. I think so, East. I think this maybe is, like, really fucking good.”
His forehead falls on mine, and we just stand there, breathing each other in. I can’t believe this just happened. I can’t believe this is real.
Easton Winters is in love with me.
Easton Winters is mine.