MAYA BROOKE
Finn still hasn’t moved from the doorway, and when I turn back to look at him, his face is filled with apprehension. I swallow the lump growing in my throat and suddenly realise what we’ve done. We were intimate, and now I’m falling apart.
“Maya—”
“We can’t do that again, Finn.” I blink back the tears in my eyes.
His brows furrow. “Because of Skye?”
“Yes, because of Skye.”
Finn runs his tongue along his bottom lip as he releases a tight sigh. “You still don’t trust me.”
“I—” I pause for a moment.
A part of me does trust him. Another part of me is petrified.
The hurt that crosses Finn’s eyes nearly cuts me in half. “Will I always be the alcoholic asshole to you?”
“That’s not fair. We said this wouldn’t change anything.”
“Change anything?” He laughs hoarsely. “We literally just made love to each other, Maya.”
I blink in surprise at his choice of words. “We have history, it’s always going to be special. But this is bigger than us.”
“Bigger than my feelings for you? Or the fact I just want to be with my girls.”
My mouth trembles as I attempt to hold in my tears. “What if we don’t work out?”
“What if we do?” Finn takes a step forward.
I glance away, my breathing becoming difficult. I place Skye back in her cot and walk out of the bedroom before we disturb her peace because I can’t handle all of this at once.
“Why are you fighting this?” he says as he follows me into the living room.
“Because I’m scared!” I shout, turning around to face him. “I’m scared of being all alone again. I’m scared of Skye growing up with parents who can’t be around each other. I’m scared of going through that heartbreak because I can’t do it again, Finn. I can’t do it. It nearly killed me.”
Finn’s chest vibrates as he watches me with glassy eyes. “You know I’m never going to be that person again.”
“I want to support you throughout your recovery, but I’m terrified of losing you again if things get tough,” I whisper as I wipe my eyes. “Skye is my priority.”
“She’s my priority, too, and so are you.”
I purse my lips and lower my head. “I just can’t push past the feeling I felt when you left. When you didn’t choose us. I had no one around me apart from the girls, and it fucking hurt because all people seem to do is abandon me. It haunts me, Finn, and I’m scared.”
“I was off my face, Maya,” he heaves. “It’s no excuse, but I am not him anymore. I don’t want anything to do with that version of me because he’s not who I am.”
My head raises slowly as we lock eyes with one another. “What if you don’t choose us again?”
“I choose you both every single time,” Finn says as he blinks, a tear rolling down his cheek. “Until I fucking die. Nothing will come between us like that again.”
I suck in a breath as it makes my heart ache.
“Are you seriously telling me that there is no future for us?” he whispers with devastation in his eyes. “Because I need to know, Maya. I need you to be honest with me.”
My throat closes up as I watch the agony grow on his face. “I-I don’t know, Finn. I just need more time. You’ll always have a special place in my heart, but god, I’m terrified of being in that position again.”
“Okay,” he says as he lowers his head and wipes his eyes.
“You need more time, fine. But I am not giving up on this. I am not giving up on you or our beautiful girl because you are my everything. I made mistakes in the past, but that doesn’t mean I’ll make them again.
I’ve learnt my lessons the hard way, and I wouldn’t dream of hurting you like that again. ”
A small sob crawls up my throat, and I try my hardest to push it away, but it’s too late. Finn raises his eyes to mine, and we’re both crying—so much pain, so much history, so much feeling.
“We need to work through this as parents first,” I croak. “Before we let our feelings get involved again.”
He purses his tear-stained lips. “My feelings are already involved. They’re not just going to go away.”
“I’m sorry,” I sniffle. “Maybe I’ve been giving you mixed signals, and that’s my fault. I shouldn’t have told you to sleep in my bed, or to kiss you, or have sex. It’s messing with our heads, and we shouldn’t have done it.”
“I don’t regret it.” Finn’s voice cracks. “I regret nothing good with you when you make me feel everything.”
I blow out a broken whimper. “I’m not saying it’s done,” I murmur. “But we need more time as a family before we have time as a couple again. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
He nods slowly. “Unfortunately, yeah. Even if it tears me apart.”
Me too. But I know it’s for the best.
“We need to do this for Skye,” I tremble. “I’m still learning as a mother, you’re still learning as a father. It’s already an intense and overwhelming time, do we really want to add a relationship into the mix when we’re still trying to figure this out?”
Finn’s jaw clenches. “I get it.”
My heart is still wounded, and every day is a step closer to it being healed, but a few months doesn’t prove anything. I need more because I won’t survive watching him walk out for a second time.
Finn takes two steps until he wraps his arms around me. I press my cheek into his chest and exhale a shaky breath as I lay my palms flat to his bare back. It’s comforting and confusing all at once.
He pulls away a few seconds later and wipes his face again. “Uh…you should get ready for class.”
I internally weep at his words. We had an incredible morning together, and now it’s ending like this. It’s my fault for asking him to touch me in the first place, for enabling it when I knew our feelings would be involved.
“Okay.” I wrap my arms around myself once more.
After taking another shower and throwing on fresh clothes, I grab my things and toss them into my bag. Finn is sitting on the sofa without the TV on. He’s just staring blankly with red eyes, and it feels like I’ve been hit by a bus.
“Are you okay?” I ask hesitantly.
“Yeah,” he whispers vacantly. “I’ll be fine.”
But it’s obvious that he’s not fine, and I despise myself for hurting him.
“Maybe I shouldn’t go,” I state.
He glances at me and shakes his head. “I’m fine. Promise. You need to go to your classes.”
A wave of uncertainty floats through my chest. Not because I think he’s going to go out and grab a bottle of something from the shop, but because he’s spiralling, and doing it alone is a painful experience.
“Finn—”
“I’ll see you later, Maya,” he says as he stands and walks into my bedroom, where he retrieves an awakened Skye.
I watch them as he sits down on the floor and holds her in his arms. She stares up at her dad and gives him big, beautiful eyes and a sweet as hell pout. He doesn’t take his gaze off her as he strokes her cheek with the back of his finger.
“Can we talk later?” I say as I shift from foot to foot.
Finn finally looks at me and forces a smile. “Sure.”
“Okay.” I adjust my bag on my shoulder and hesitate before walking to the front door. “Call me if you need anything.”
“Yeah,” he whispers before turning back to our daughter.
The second I leave, I’m flooded with guilt for bringing up the past when he’s trying his hardest in recovery. It might have been terrible timing, but it doesn’t change the way I feel about the situation.
Just because Finn has been showing up doesn’t mean my fears have suddenly gone away. If anything, it’s shown me how amazing it is to have him here, and how easily it can be taken away from me.
What if he walks away again? He did it once when I thought I was his world.
Recovering from alcohol abuse can’t be easy, I understand that, but neither of us knows what the future holds.
“What’s wrong with you?” Alice asks as we head into our lecture.
I sigh, not wanting to talk about it because it’ll just upset me. “Nothing.”
“It’s written all over your face, Maya.” She frowns. “What’s happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Did Finn do something?”
I pause for a moment and sit down in silence.
“Oh fuck, he did. Didn’t he?”
My head twists towards her as fury bursts across her face. “No,” I murmur. “He didn’t do anything.”
“Then what?”
I chew on the inside of my cheek. “We had sex.”
“When?”
“This morning.”
“Holy shit,” she gasps. “And what…it didn’t end well?”
I avert my gaze and remove my notebook from my bag. “He wants to be in a relationship, but I still need time to make sure that he won’t leave us again.”
Alice slides an arm over my shoulder and hugs me. “Your feelings are completely valid, Maya. You were in pieces. Hell, I never want to see you like that again, so I understand where you’re coming from.”
“There might be a future for us,” I acknowledge. “But right now, I just wanna focus on Skye. Together. As parents. Not as anything more.”
“Of course, it’s just tough because it’s obvious you both still care about each other deeply.”
“Yeah, we always will.”
“If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. There’s nothing wrong with taking time to make sure it’s right.”
“I don’t want Finn to spiral.” I press my hand to my forehead and smooth over the ache building. “He wasn’t good when I left earlier.”
Alice gives me a sympathetic look. “He’ll be okay. If he wants to prove to you that he’s changed, he will. I’ve seen the way he looks at you two, and how much he wants to put things right.”
“Yeah…” I trail off.
I dig out my phone before the lecture starts and shoot him a text.
Maya:
Everything okay?
Finn:
Yeah, all good
I’m sorry about earlier
You have nothing to be sorry for
We’ll talk later, yeah?
Sure. Have a good day x
Then a video comes through of Skye on her playmat as she stares up at the planets and stars that dangle over her. She kicks her feet excitedly and watches with wide eyes before a ghost of a smile creeps over her lips.