MAYA BROOKE
As soon as we got the all clear from the doctor, I finally took a breath. At first, I thought she might have some kind of viral infection, but the doctor said she doesn’t have any cold-like symptoms.
He put it down to overheating. The temperature in the house might have been too high, and she was wearing too many clothes. Now her rashes have started to fade, I’ve stripped back her layers and allowed her skin to breathe.
The moment we get home, I bathe her in a cool bath and soothe the skin. She flashes me a wonky smile as her hands splash the water, and I press my hand to her blonde hair and study her face.
“You scared me,” I whisper. “But you’re just my smiley girl, aren’t you?”
I press a kiss to her forehead as I feel a presence in the doorway. My head twists to find Finn standing there with an extremely hollow expression.
My heart sinks. I panicked. I know I did. My motherly instincts came out, and I lost my temper.
“I’m sorry.” The pain in his voice is evident, raw and hoarse.
“I know,” I murmur as I drag more water over Skye’s back in an attempt to cool her rash. “You don’t need to keep apologising.”
Finn releases a jagged breath and runs a hand down his face. “I-I should have known, and I hate myself for not paying close attention.”
“Let’s just be glad that she’s okay,” I say softly because that’s all that matters right now.
But his entire demeanour is deflated. Guilt is written all over his face, and it shatters me.
“What’s been going on?”
He shakes his head.
“Talk to me.”
“My problems aren’t important right now.”
I give him an incredulous look. “Of course they are.”
“No,” he says. “Skye is more important.”
I bite down on my jaw. “You’re both important to me. What’s going on?”
“Just…” he mutters. “Had a difficult therapy session.”
“Want to talk about it?”
He shakes his head again.
“Finn, please,” I murmur desperately.
“Not right now, okay?”
There’s only so much I can do. If he doesn’t want to talk, then I can’t force him. If anything, I’m scared it’ll push him further away, so I pray that when he needs me, he will come to me.
After drying off Skye and placing her in breathable clothes, I hold her as I sit down on the sofa. Finn is already there with his head in his hands, and I frown. I press my hand to his back soothingly.
“I’m sorry I got angry,” I say. “I was just scared.”
His hands drop to his thighs as he rubs over the material of his tracksuit bottoms. “I deserved it. It’s my fault. I should have known, I should have paid attention, and I wasn’t.”
“Well, it’s a learning curve, isn’t it?”
Finn turns to look at me with tears in his eyes. “What if I’m not good enough?”
“What do you mean? Of course you’re good enough.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Maya,” he chokes out. “What if something was seriously wrong? What if you didn’t come home when you did? What if something happened to her? I’d never fucking forgive myself.”
Skye wriggles in my arms. “I don’t know what I’m doing either, but it’s something we learn and adapt to.”
He says nothing, and I chew on the inside of my cheek.
“Do you think if you’re in a bad headspace, it’s best for you to not be with Skye alone?”
Finn blinks, and a tear rolls down his cheek. “Because I’m a shit dad?”
I frown. “No,” I say instantly. “Because I don’t want you to have that pressure on your shoulders. It’s something we can work through together. I don’t want you to beat yourself up about this. I’m just trying to create solutions.”
“There’s no excuse, Maya,” he whispers as he stands up. “I should have known. She was my responsibility, and I didn’t know. How can I live with that?”
My heart thunders in my chest. “Finn, you’re just overwhelmed right now, okay? It’s a mistake you won’t make again.”
“What if I do, though?”
I swallow thickly. “You won’t.”
Finn’s blazing eyes land on my face. “How do you know that? I’m fucked up.”
“You’re not fucked up.”
He starts to pace, and it makes me incredibly uneasy. My lips tremble at his distress.
“Finn, I really need you to talk to me,” I whisper. “Please.”
He manages to stand still before gripping onto his hair. “I’m just…” He trails off. “Scared.”
“Of what?”
“Failing you.”
“You won’t fail me.”
Finn sniffles, and my heart feels like it’s been ripped out of my chest. “What if I already have?”
I draw in a breath and place Skye down before stepping towards him. I reach my hands out to place them on his arms, but he pulls away, and it feels like a spear has gone through my heart.
“Don’t do this,” I whisper. “Stop pushing me away.”
“I can’t help but think you’re better off without me.”
“No,” I blubber. “I’m not.”
This time, I reach out for him again, placing my palms on his cheeks and rising onto my toes so I can press my forehead against his.
“Whatever’s going on, we can work through it.”
“I’m a ticking time bomb, Maya,” he says through gritted teeth, tears staining his cheeks. “I’m losing my fucking mind.”
My breath is ripped from my chest at his declaration. I knew something was going on, but I want to know the details. Finn releases a sound before his chest starts to heave rapidly, and I stroke his cheeks, brushing away his tears.
“It’s okay,” I murmur. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I didn’t know,” he whispers hauntingly. “I wasn’t paying attention.”
The amount of tears that fall from his eyes is alarming.
“I-I can’t do this,” he grunts as if the words are painful.
“You can.” I hold onto him tighter. “I can’t do this without you.”
Finn closes his eyes.
“Do you need to go to a meeting?”
He exhales sharply, and when I think he’s about to deny it, he nods.
“Okay,” I say. “Then we’ll go together.”
“What?” he sniffles
“We’ll all go together. Skye can get some fresh air. I want to be there to support you.”
Finn flicks his eyes between mine slowly. “Okay.”
I decided not to go to university today.
I wanted to watch Skye for a little longer and make sure Finn was okay.
At the meeting yesterday, it was the first time I’d ever seen what they do.
Finn didn’t say much, but we listened to everyone’s stories, and every so often, I’d see him glance over at me and Skye before sucking in a breath.
Whatever he’s battling right now mentally, he’s not in a good place, and I need to do something before he spirals, but at the same time, I don’t know what to do when he won’t let me in.
I spent the morning searching the internet for answers. They weren’t things I didn’t already know, but a few new things I could definitely try.
“You didn’t need to stay in with me today,” Finn says as he emerges from the bathroom.
My shoulders rise. “It’s been a stressful few days. I think spending it as a family is wise.”
He walks to the kitchen before offering me a cup of tea, which I gladly accept. My phone rings from the coffee table, and I reach over to find Alfie’s name on the screen. I stare until the call stops, but it starts again two seconds later.
“Who’s that?” Finn asks as he places my mug on the table.
I clear my throat and look up at him. “Alfie.”
Finn frowns, and I don’t miss the slash of jealousy over his expression. “Why is he calling you?”
“We’re partners on this project, and it’s probably because I didn’t turn up today.”
For a moment, Finn’s skin pales until he forces himself to sit down. It rings and rings until I want to throw it out the window.
I press my thumb to the green button and raise it to my ear. “Jesus Christ,” I murmur. “You don’t need to call like an obsessed ex.”
“Where were you today?”
“Busy.”
“Busy? This is our project, Maya. I needed you there.”
I blow out a breath. If he actually thought we’d get along after our conversation the other day, then he has another thing coming.
“We’ll work on it separately.”
He releases a sadistic laugh. “Separately? It’s a joint project. Are you that thick, Maya?”
My nostrils flare. “Don’t fucking insult me.”
Finn immediately lowers his mug and shuffles closer to me.
“Then you’ll know how important this is.”
“Well, too bad, my family comes first.”
Alfie barks another laugh. “Oh no…” He trails off. “Did Finn fuck things up again?”
“You are nothing but a miserable asshole.”
“So that’s a yes? I told you so, I—”
Finn rips the phone from my ear and places it against his own. “I told you to leave my girlfriend alone.”
I blink at his statement. When did they talk?
My eyes study Finn’s darkening expression.
“I swear to god,” he murmurs venomously. “Speak like that to the mother of my child again, and you’ll regret it.”
Without hesitation, he hangs up and throws my phone onto the table.
“What just happened?”
“Has he been harassing you?”
I stare blankly at him for a moment. “We just have a project together, and the other day he was being a complete dickhead. I don’t want to be his partner anymore, but my professor said that I’m not allowed to change if I want a grade in that module.”
Finn purses his lips and shakes his head subtly.
“When did you talk to him?” I ask.
“After my football training. He cornered me and basically said I’m going to let you guys down again.”
I shift onto my knees. “Please tell me you don’t believe him.”
Finn sighs and then shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know what I believe anymore, Maya. My head is fucked.”
“You’re letting the bad thoughts in,” I say with a plea in my voice. “He wants to hurt you, and he’s winning. You’re so much better than that asshole who doesn’t know anything.”
“I’m struggling,” he admits.
“I know,” I whisper before wrapping my arms around him and holding on tightly. “But you don’t have to suffer alone. I’m always going to be here.”
Finn buries his head into my chest. “I want to be better for you, but I don’t know if I can. A couple of words from some guy I couldn’t give a fuck about have messed with my head, then that incident with Skye yesterday. It’s just so fucking triggering.”
“Breathe,” I murmur into his hair. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“What if it’s not?”
“It is,” I say, gripping onto him tighter. “I refuse for it to be anything else.”
We hold onto each other for a while as his heart crashes against mine and pray that whatever demons are holding him hostage eventually give him peace.