Chapter 20 #2
“Sugar, you left a little fast,” Daddy said when he found me in the barn.
The ladies were munching on their grain, and I sat on a bale of hay in the corner, watching them. Normally, they’d be all over me, but food took priority over the deep and abiding love we had for each other.
“Yeah, I just needed some air. I’m sorry I left you in there with them.”
Daddy just shook his head, grabbed my hand, and plopped down on the bale next to me. We both watched the goats in silence until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Did they say anything after I left?”
“Yeah. Your dad read Gage the riot act. I think he forgot I was there because I don’t think he would’ve said what he did if he’d remembered.”
“Yeah? What’d he say?”
“Something about how he was supposed to be a goddamn grown man and needed to fucking grow up. He said he was tired of his shit.”
My jaw hit my chest. “He actually cussed?”
“Yep. That was it, verbatim.”
“Wow. I don’t think my dad has ever cussed at Gage before. I mean, maybe he has, but I sure don’t remember it.”
“Are they super close?”
“No more than any other dad and son. They get along and like each other, but they’re not joined at the hip.”
“It seems like your dad puts up with a lot from him.”
“He does. Way more than the rest of us. Sometimes I wonder if there wasn’t some kind of mix-up in the birth order lineup and Gage was supposed to be the youngest.”
The dust the goats kicked up made my eyes water a little, and that was the absolute only reason I was a little teary-eyed. No other reason. None.
“I don’t know much about birth order, but he does seem to have…a vibe.”
I shot Daddy a rueful grin. “A vibe? Someone’s been hanging out with me too much.”
“But I like hanging out with you, sugar.”
After a few minutes of silence and watching the goats eat, I gathered up the courage to give Daddy the apology I owed him.
“I’m sorry for leaving you in the family drama.”
“Meh, don’t worry about it, sugar. You already apologized for it, and you didn’t owe that one. We all have family drama sometimes.”
“Even you?”
“Well, not drama. More like low-key family angst.”
“You don’t talk much about your parents,” I observed.
“What do you mean? I talk about Faust and Bert all the time.”
“But they’re not your actual parents.”
“Yeah, I forget sometimes. My actual parents run a part-time bait shop down in Galveston. They fucking love their life as beach bums. Sometimes I forget they’re my actual parents, and Mom and Dad aren’t just nicknames.”
“You guys don’t get along?”
“When my parents graduated from high school, they lived in a small Texas town in the middle of nowhere. My dad’s family owned a ranch. There was no question—he was going to get married, have kids, and run the place. And that’s what he did. He married the woman he loved, and they had a kid.”
“I don’t think I’m following where the problem is.”
“My dad had absolutely no fucking interest in the ranch. He never wanted to be a rancher, but he didn’t feel like he could tell his parents he wanted something different.
They had a kid because that’s what you did—not because they necessarily wanted one.
And they sure as shit never wanted more than one.
Once they had me, their duty was done. They still loved each other fiercely, but it was hard for them to find space in there for me.
When Faust and Bert came along, they were more than happy to hand that part of life over to them. ”
“I can’t tell if you’re sad about that.”
Daddy shot me a rueful grin. “I’m not. Because I think you can love people and not understand them.”
I let his words marinate in my brain for a few minutes. “I’m so tired of my family thinking I’m a perpetual screwup who needs to be protected from myself because I’m too incompetent to figure out my life.”
“Seems to me you’ve already proved you’re not a fuck-up.
Gage may have stolen credit from you, but that didn’t erase the work you did.
And I think it takes a hell of a lot to go out, experiment, and figure out what you want instead of just doing what you’re supposed to do. That takes a shit ton of guts.”
“I’m not sure it’s the same thing.”
“Well, the good news is I’m your Daddy, and I’m saying that it is. You don’t need to worry about whether you agree with me.”
“Is that the way it’s going to work?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“That’s the way this one is gonna work.”
“Then I guess that’s that.”
“I guess it is.”
“Thank you for coming back, Jasper. I appreciate that,” Dad said when Daddy and I came back into the kitchen.
Daddy had insisted on holding my hand, even though I tried to draw it away.
It’s not like my dad didn’t know I was gay—he definitely knew—but it just felt weird to engage in PDA in front of my parent.
Daddy, on the other hand, had no such qualms. He firmly kept my hand tucked in his when we stepped inside, then went one step further and draped his arm over my shoulder, hugging me close.
There was nothing I could do but hug him back. It was physics.
“I wasn’t gone forever. I just needed to feed the goats and clear my head.”
“I think we both needed to do some head-clearing and maybe have an honest discussion with each other about what happened in that breakup and our perceptions of the situation.”
“Dad, I’m not one of your patients. You can speak normally to me. We’re just having a conversation.”
“I am speaking normally to you. I speak this way to everyone,” my dad countered.
Ugh, there wasn’t a real point to that issue.
It was just an easy detour to avoid the rest of the conversation.
My dad was just formal. It was how he’d always been.
He wore a suit to Christmas dinner every single year.
He never asked us to dress better than our sweats or cutoffs, but he was going to look proper even if his kids were slobby slobs.
“What is it you think needs to be said?”
My dad sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He suddenly looked older and more tired than he had that morning.
“First, I never want you to think that I don’t think you’re a wonderful human being.
I do. You’re the one who keeps the rest of us from being too serious and keeps Gage from going too far.
That man would do anything in the world for you.
I know I let him get away with too much, but he went too far this morning, and he knows it. ”
“Where is he?” I asked, glancing around the kitchen. “Did he go back upstairs?”
“He said he was going to get some air, but I think he went down to the creek.”
“All right, I’ll go talk to him later. And I know Gage loves me. I really, really do, Dad.”
Dad nodded toward Hank and then said, “And yes, we are well aware that you are a little, and it’s absolutely none of my business.
I’ve had a few in my practice, and they’ve all been lovely people who just need to escape reality for a brief moment and then come back to their lives.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.
I don’t think it makes them anything. It is what it is.
Some people golf, some people like to dress up in costumes and play with toys.
Whatever worries I have about you making your way in the world, they have nothing to do with you being a little. ”
“Then what’s it about?” I asked.
“Jasper, out of all of us, your heart is the most tender. You’re sweet and sassy and funny.
You skip through life and make people happy.
You make us happy. If it wasn’t for you, Rowan, and Vaughn, I would forget how to smile, and Gage probably would have ended up in jail if you hadn’t talked him out of whatever schemes he’s planned to execute.
You are the glue that holds us all together. We’re all protective of you.”
“Do you mean that? I’ve always felt like the biggest failure because I wasn’t interested in being a doctor or doing whatever it is Vaughn does with numbers.
” I stopped and looked around the kitchen, realizing I hadn’t seen Rowan that morning.
“Where is Rowan, anyway? He missed all the fun.” I put air quotes around that last bit, and Dad’s lips twitched in the barest hint of a smile.
“He was up all night talking to someone. I ran into him this morning around six, as he was bringing his laptop back upstairs. He said he was going to bed.”
I shrugged and decided I needed to do something with my hands. After washing them, I started working on breakfast again.
“And, there’s another reason.” Dad squirmed uncomfortably on his stool. His forefinger tapped a rhythm on the steel prep table. “You remind me so much of your mom.”
“Really?” I whispered.
“Yes, really. I forced myself to talk about her so you guys would know who she was, but I never talked about who she was in private. She was sweet and sassy and loved playing with stuff her parents said was silly. They had very strict rules about what was appropriate, and she ignored most of them.”
“Was Mom a little?”
“No, I don’t think I’d go that far, but she was one of those people who liked what she liked and didn’t feel the need to apologize for it. You’re like her. Even as you’ve grown, you’ve kept that side of yourself. And I worry you’ll be taken advantage of because of it.”
Dad sat hunched over in his stool, and I couldn’t leave him like that for another moment. I extracted myself from Daddy’s arms and made my way around the table. Immediately, Dad wrapped me in his arms and hugged me close. Neither of us needed to say anything.
Daddy hadn’t interjected or interfered in our conversation. Maybe it was time to open up a little bit to my dad. It would be easier than trying to hide it. I pulled back a little so I could look my dad in the face. I needed him to see how serious I was about Hank and The Lavender Porch.
“Dad, I get why you might have worries about Hank and me. But there’s nothing to worry about. Hank is a genuinely good guy, and he truly wants what’s best for me. If you’ve had littles in your practice, then you know Daddies are supposed to make their lives better. Hank makes my life better.”
“Do you love him?” Dad asked.
“Yes. I love him very much.” I refused to glance at Daddy when I answered. What I’d said earlier was true: my love for him wasn’t going to be based on his for me. They weren’t connected.
“Does he love you?”
I knew that was going to be his next question, but despite knowing it didn’t matter, I hesitated. I wasn’t sure I could explain in a way my dad would understand that it was okay if Hank didn’t feel the same.
“Yeah, I love him. Very, very much,” Daddy answered before I could. His voice cracked a little when he spoke. I whipped my head around to stare at him.
“What?”
“Sugar, it was never about whether or not I loved you. It was because I didn't know the words and how to say them. But if you can face down your dad, then I sure as shit can get over myself and be honest with the man I love.”
“You love me?”
“Yeah. I love you.”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
The only way to end the declaration was with a kiss.
I leaned up on my toes and planted a full one right on his mouth.
His lips were such a temptation, but I resisted the urge to taste them again.
I loved my family, and my being queer was no big deal for them, but a full-on make-out session was a bridge too far.
But since there was always tonight, I didn’t have to wait long to get my fill of Daddy.