Chapter 20
S amatha left an hour ago, and she seemed impressed with my progress. I told her about my journal entries, and I told her about Savannah. What I didn’t tell her about was how much closer I’ve gotten to Mitch. I’m sure she would believe that what I feel for him is some kind of side effect of my trauma, but I know that it’s deeper than that.
Being around Mitch reminds me of the first time Addison told me a fairytale. Those kinds of books were banned from our village, but her best friend Charlie always seemed to find a way of getting us treats from the outside. She kept the fairytale book under a floorboard in our room, and late some nights when we were sure our parents were sleeping, she’d read me the stories in her softest whisper. Stories that always ended so perfectly, with love and happily ever afters. But the beasts didn’t turn into princes where we came from. There was no happiness or love, just punishment and control. Mitch gives me that warmth in my heart and the thrill of hope that I’d always feel after hearing one of those stories. I really believe we could have a happy ever after here, in this simple cabin with each other's company.
He comes home earlier than I expected and when he walks through the door, I instantly sense that he has something on his mind.
“How was your session?” He hangs up his hat and slides his hand through his gray hair.
“It was good, Samantha seemed happy with me.” I want to go to him, wrap my arms around his waist, and rest my head on his shoulder, but something in the way he’s holding himself is keeping me distanced.
“That’s good to hear.” He smiles, and although his voice is soothing, I can tell he’s not fully here with me.
“And your day?” I ask, hoping that whatever burden he carries he will share. I may be working through my issues but I want to be the person he can talk to when he’s had a bad day.
“Darlin’, you wouldn’t believe me if I told ya.” He shakes his head and takes a seat at the table, spacing out and staring at its wood surface.
“Try me.” I sit beside him and take his hand in mine.
“I took on a kid at the ranch about a week ago. Hard worker, nice guy,” he starts off, then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I found out today that that kid could very well be my son.” He opens them back up again and waits for my reaction.
“A son?” It takes me completely off guard, so I can’t imagine how he must be feeling.
“Hunter was adopted at birth, his mother never told me about him, but somehow managed to get my name on his birth certificate. He came here lookin’ for me and I don’t know what he was expectin’ to find, but I feel like I’ve let him down.”
“I doubt that. Savannah tells me that all the Carsons and the bunkhouse boys look up to you.” I squeeze his hand a little tighter, and he stares at it and shakes his head.
“All those years I was here, tryin’ to make decent men outta the Carson brothers, then Dalton. I used to wonder how their own father could have been so useless. And all that time I had my own flesh and blood out there being raised by another man.”
“It's not your fault.” I can tell how devastated he is and wish there was a way I could make him feel better.
“The whole ride back here, I’ve thought about all the things I’ve missed out on. I never got serious enough with anyone to become a father, but I always imagined I’d be kinda good at it. I’m proud every day when I see how far those Carson men have come, and I take a lotta honor in bein’ a small part of it. I should be feelin’ that about my own boy.” He hangs his head and I instantly get up and place myself on his lap.
“You didn’t know, Mitch. None of this is your fault. But Hunter’s here now, and you have all those opportunities to be his father.” My eyes well with tears when I imagine how it would feel to have that opportunity for myself. Then my sadness turns to hate when I think about the man who took that from me.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn't be troublin’ ya with this. Ignore me, I’ll make us somethin’ to eat.”
“I was actually thinking that maybe we could go somewhere?” I chew on my nail and wait for his reaction.
“You wanna eat out?” He looks stunned.
“Not exactly, Savannah was telling me that you have a fast food place about an hour from here. She said you can drive around to a window and they pass your food right through to you. Is that true?” I laugh, still unsure if she was teasing me and if I’m making a fool of myself.
“It’s true.” Mitch smiles for the first time since he’s been home.
“Well, she says I haven’t lived until I’ve tried one of their cheeseburgers, and I’m figuring that could be the next step I take. Eating out without having to be inside the restaurant.” I look up at him hopefully.
“Ya sure you’re ready?” He slides his finger over my cheek to tuck some loose hair behind my ear. I nod back at him enthusiastically and he stands up, placing my feet back on the ground.
“Come on then, let's go get ya that burger that’ll change your life.” His concern morphs into a smile as he takes my hand and leads me out the door.
I’m surprised by my own excitement as Mitch drives through the drive-thru and orders our food. I sit safe and secure in the passenger seat beside him, watching all the hustle and bustle going on around us. Families are piling into the restaurant together, there's a line of cars behind us ready to give their orders, and while Mitch waits for our food to be ready, he takes my hand in his and squeezes it tight.
“You’re doin’ real good,” he assures me, looking proud. I love the sense of achievement it gives me, it makes pushing myself to do these things worth it.
I watch a little girl come out of the restaurant door holding her daddy's hand. She giggles when he scoops her up and lifts her up onto his shoulders, and it makes me smile for so many different reasons. I’ll bet she has a whole bunch of fairytale books in her room, that her mother reads to her at night before she kisses her and tucks her under the covers. I’ll bet the man who carries her on his shoulders feels like the luckiest man in the world, just like Mitch would have been with his own son if he’d had the chance to know him at that age. I’ll also guarantee that the woman who follows them behind carrying a balloon cries sometimes for no other reason than the love she feels in her heart. I remember that feeling of overwhelming love and I never even got to meet my baby.
“Evy, you okay?” Mitch looks worried when I turn back to face him, and when I feel the tear slip over my cheek I quickly wipe it away with the heel of my palm.
“I’m fine.” I put on a smile for him
“Darlin’, you’re cryin’, if this is too much?—”
“Happy tears,” I interrupt him, shaking my head and watching as the family get inside the car on the other side of the parking lot. Seeing scenes like I just did help me know for sure that all the things we were told by the elders were untrue. There is good in the world outside. People smile, people are happy, and they take care of each other.
“Well, you're about to get a lot happier.” He reaches out the car window when the lady on the other side passes him our order, and after dumping it on the console between us he pulls away.
“I got the perfect spot to take ya to enjoy this,” he tells me.
We drive for about fifteen minutes until the buildings disappear and the roads become narrow again. Mitch takes a left down a long, narrow track and when we get to the bottom of it there’s a huge cliff edge in front of us. I hold my breath as he spins the truck and parks with the tailgate facing out over the view.
“Come on.” He reaches onto the back seat and grabs a rolled-up sleeping bag, then picking up our food he gets out the truck. I follow after him and look out at the view in front of us, it’s all landscape that never seems to end. Mountains behind mountains that fade into the distance and when he pulls the tailgate down and taps the bed, I realize that he wants me to sit on it.
“Dinner and a view.” He smiles as he lays out the sleeping bag, and when I step closer to him I let him lift me up and place me on the flatbed. He jumps up beside me and sets out our food for us, then laughs at the noises I make when I discover that Savannah tells no lies. This food is incredible. Maybe I should be ashamed of the fact I finish mine way before Mitch does, but I have no regrets. I’ve been deprived of these kinds of things for far too long. Why shouldn’t I embrace them?
“We don’t have to hurry back, do we?” I look back out at that view and notice that the sun is slowly starting to disappear behind the mountains. The orange and purple in the sky combine and make the vision in front of me look like something from a picture in a book.
“We got all the time in the world.” Mitch wipes his mouth with a napkin and shoves our rubbish out of the way, before his arm curls around my shoulder and he tucks me into his body.
“I told everyone at the ranch today that you were my girl.” He eventually breaks the silence, almost sounding guilty. I smile to myself because I really like the way it sounds. “I didn’t feel bad for it,” he confesses, causing me to look up at him and wonder what he means. “I’m done with all that, now.” He stares down at me with eyes focused and sincere. “Look at ya, you came out tonight, you're sittin’ on tailgate watchin’ the sun go down, and you're smilin’. All I’ve wanted since I first saw ya, is for ya to be happy. For ya to see the beauty in this world and not to fear it, and if this is what makes you happy and is gonna keep that smile on your face, I’ll leave all my insecurities behind me too. I’ll do everything I can to give you the life you deserve.” He takes my face in his hand and draws me closer and when our lips touch and that thrill starts to stir in my stomach, I decide to embrace the moment. I slide my leg over his and straddle his hips, deepening our kiss and making it a lot more intense. So intense that I feel him harden beneath me. It puts a rush in my blood that makes me more determined to explore my boundaries.
There's no one around us, the air is still warm and when I think about all the hurdles I still have left to jump, I decide to leap over the biggest one of them all. Pulling myself slightly away from him, I sit back on his lap then watch him look at me in confusion as I slowly lift my top up over my head and reveal all the marks Abraham put on my body.
His eyes soften as he studies them and I have to look away because I don’t want to see him grimace at me. Up to now, every step we’ve taken has been so beautiful and enlightening. I guess we have to face up to some of the ugly if I want to keep moving forward.
“Hey.” Mitch pinches my chin between his thumb and finger, forcing me to look back at him. “Don’t look away from me like you’re ashamed of this.” His hand slides down my neck and arches around my throat, while the hand he had resting on my hips softly slides over my mutilated skin, tracing the burn marks and the scars Abraham put there. He pulls me back onto his lips, then wraps his arm around my body and brings me in tighter, letting his hands roam across my back covering more wounds that will never heal. He kisses my neck, grazing me with his teeth, while his hands continue to explore, and as his mouth lowers further down my body he gently pushes me back so he can get better access to me. Touching his mouth delicately over all my hideous marks as if he can make them vanish.
“Mitch. You don’t have to…” I push against his shoulder. “I just wanted you to see what I am.” I smile at him sadly and when he furrows his brow, I wonder what he’s thinking.
“These scars ain’t what you are, Evy, they're just a part of your story.”
“I know they’re ugly,” I whisper, still trying not to cry.
“Not to me they ain’t.” His fingertip traces over the angry red line that came from Abraham's fishing hook. “There ain’t an ugly thing about you.” He lifts my hips up so he can kiss me there too, and the rush it gives me makes me even more determined to break down my barriers.
“I want you.” I bite my lip nervously, not quite knowing what I’ll do if he rejects me.
“I told ya, darlin’, you got me.” He chuckles to himself.
“Not just like this, I want us to be together, fully together.” I look between us where he’s hard and pressing between my legs. “I want to feel you inside me. I want to belong to you.”
Mitch slowly nods his head and looks very serious.
“I’d like that too.” He strokes his thumb over my cheek and smiles as if he’s nervous too. “I guess we should get back home.”
“No.” I shake my head back at him. “Here, like this.” I slide my fingers over the buckle of his belt, praying that he won’t deny me. I’m calm and comfortable, surrounded by beautiful things that I never thought I’d have the chance to see. This moment feels right.
“Ev, when this happens it should be done properly. Not on a flatbed of a truck out in the open.” Now he really looks nervous.
“This is perfect, it’s just you and me.” I look at all the space around us and take his hand, placing it over one of my breasts. Just the way he squeezes it makes my pussy throb like it’s missing something.
“Mitch, I’m ready,” I assure him with a smile.
“Ya sure?” He frowns. “Because I don’t wanna get this wrong, the second you?—”
“You won’t get it wrong, you always know what I need.” I go to slide off him and lie back but he holds me firm, preventing me from moving.
“You should be in control of this,” he tells me, loosening his hold to unbuckle himself and open up his jeans. “You take what ya want, Evy, you control the pace, you decide when we stop.” He nods at me.
Taking his cock in his hand he lets it spring out between us. And when his fist bunches up my skirt and pushes it up to my waist, I feel the head of his cock brush against my panties.
“Just that feels nice,” I laugh at myself. Starting to wonder if I will be able to take him all inside me.
“How about this?” Mitch hooks my panties to one side and allows his cock to slide inside them, his thick tip sliding between my folds and bringing a little relief to the ache inside me.
“It’s nice.” I nod back, starting to move my hips to get more of it.
“You're gettin’ real wet.” He reaches up his hand and slips his fingers into my mouth. “Wet these for me too,” he orders, and when I suck hard at his fingers I feel his cock pulse against me.
“You’re so damn perfect, don’t ever let anyone tell ya anythin’ different.” He uses the fingers I just wet to stroke away the tension that I feel pulsing on the outside, his fingers and his cock working in the perfect sequence to build something up inside me that I’ve never experienced before.
“Mitch, what’s happening?” My hips seem to be moving on their own now, as if my body knows what it needs but my head hasn’t caught up.
“Mitch.” I slam my hand into his shoulder and grip tight because I don’t know what to expect.
“Fuck, Evy, I gotta taste it. Rest your hands against the back of the cab,” he tells me as he quickly shimmies his body low enough for his head to rest between my legs. I’m glad that I did as he said when I feel his warm, wet tongue replace his cock and fingers. My whole body jolts when I feel one of his fingers slip inside me as his mouth kisses and his tongue strokes between my legs. Whatever it is that's been building inside me gets even stronger, turning into a wave of pleasure that I have no choice but to ride. My body tingles and my stomach feels on fire as I lose all control of myself. I cry out but not from pain, from something very different, and unlike anything I’ve ever encountered before. I never want it to end and I slam my hand against the back of Mitch’s truck cab when it starts to sustain. Mitch slides himself back up to me wearing a huge grin on his face.
“I’m gonna take it that you enjoyed that.”
I grab him and kiss him, unsure what it was, or how he managed it, but so grateful for it that I could cry. What Mitch just gave me is proof that no matter what's been done to me in my past, I can find pleasure in our connection.
“I’m ready,” I whisper, feeling as if my chest is going to explode from all the excitement inside it. Any nerves I had are gone. All I want now is to be connected with Mitch.
“Okay, darlin’.” Suddenly the smile drops from his lips and Mitch looks serious again. “But you stop whenever you need to. You're in control, remember?” he reminds me, taking his cock in his hand and guiding it toward my opening. His head nods at me once I feel him in place, pressing hard against me and threatening to stretch me with his size. I already know it’s going to hurt, but it’s a pain I want, one I’ve chosen to take and so I steadily lower myself over him.
“Grrrr, Jesus Christ, you’re tight,” Mitch growls, holding on to my hip as I slip more and more of myself over him. It stings a little, but the soft stroke of his hand against my thigh and the encouragement on his face, seem to make it all tolerable.
“I’m sorry, I have to take it slow.” I bite my lip.
“Don’t apologize. I like it. I wanna feel every inch of ya,” he tells me with tension in his eyes.
I smile back at him with a newfound confidence, resting my palms on his strong chest and dropping my body enough to take him all the way. His hold on me becomes much more strained, and the veins in his arms bulge and he closes his eyes and holds his breath.
“Are you okay?” I check, wondering how could I have gotten this wrong.
“I’m fine.” His voice comes out raspy. “It’s just, you feel so fuckin’ good.” My stomach aches from where I hold him inside me, especially when I start to laugh in relief, and when Mitch joins me, he curls his hand around the back of my neck and pulls me down so our foreheads are touching.
“That’s the most beautiful sound in the world, ya know that?” he whispers. “And this?” he rolls his hips and stirs himself inside me. “Fuckin’ perfect.”
I move slowly and steadily so that I adjust to his size, and eventually I gain more confidence. The bed of the truck starts to rock with us and Mitch keeps his eyes on mine, looking at me as if what we’re sharing is different for him too. There’s an overwhelming sense of strength in my chest that even manages to override the pleasure that’s starting to build in my stomach again.
“Why ya cryin’, darlin?” Mitch slides both his hands between our faces and brushes away my tears with his thumbs, cradling my head and making me feel like the most precious thing in the world.
“I’m just… happy.” I laugh through my tears and keep my thrusts against him soft and steady. “This is what it feels like to love someone, isn’t it?” I don’t care that I’m giving too much of my feelings away to him, I want him to have everything I have to give. Because even in a world without masters, I want to belong to him.
“I think it is.” He nods back at me confidently, then kisses me until that pleasure inside me unleashes and I scream loud enough to make the Heavens shake. Mitch’s fingers dig into my flesh, and he growls deep as he holds himself still inside me. The cold drops that start to splash against our skin don’t seem to bother us, but after another rumble from the clouds, they come down heavier and much faster.
“Shit, we better get back inside.” Mitch quickly rolls me off him and slides back down to the tailgate, tucking himself away before aiding me off the back. He follows me to the passenger seat, holding the sleeping bag over my head to protect me from the rain. I’m already wet but it’s the thought that matters and when I’m safely in the cab, I wait for him to move around the truck and jump in the driver's seat. He tosses my shirt at me and seeing us both drenched through to our skin makes us both erupt with laughter.
“Come here.” He leans across the console, hooking his finger under my chin and pulling me to him for a kiss.
“I wish every day could be like this one,” I whisper once he pulls away and gets ready to drive. I notice the blue flash of lightning light up the sky, but it doesn’t scare me the way it used to when it lit up the cracks in the door to the bunker.
“I’ll do my best,” Mitch promises, before starting the engine and driving us home.