Chapter 17
17
When we get back to the hotel, Caryl accosts us and hands Ava a flyer. ‘Ah, there you are! Did you know it’s teen night tomorrow?’
‘What’s teen night?’ Ren reads the flyer over Ava’s shoulder.
‘Once a week during the summer holidays, we run an evening for our young guests to meet and socialise. This week, we’ve got a film screening of Splash in one of the function rooms, and there will be snacks and games and prizes. It’s only five pounds, and it’ll give Mum and Dad a chance for some peace and quiet on their holidays too. Dinner out, a romantic walk on the beach…’
She puts an intonation on the words that suggests ‘peace and quiet’ is very much a euphemism and I quickly say, ‘Oh, we’re not?—’
‘We’ve got a few teens staying at the moment.’ She ignores my correction. ‘And eighties movies are retro-cool, so I’m told. There’s a candyfloss machine and you can pop your own popcorn!’
‘That sounds ah-maze-zing! Can I go, Dad?’
He shrugs, looking like he’s not really sure what’s happening. ‘Sure, if you want to. Mickey and I will…’
‘…go mermaid hunting?’ I suggest, which is definitely not a euphemism. ‘I want to know what I saw splashing in the harbour last night. Even if it was a dolphin, I’ve never seen a dolphin in real life before.’
Ava looks torn for a split second, but at that moment, a teenage boy walks past with his parents and from the look on her face, he’s the hottest teenage boy she’s ever seen, and as Caryl waves them over and accosts them with a flyer too, she yanks Ren’s arm enthusiastically, obviously hoping the boy will be roped into teen night too.
‘Fine, fine.’ He gets the money out of his wallet and hands it to Caryl. ‘But if that candyfloss gives you a sugar rush that keeps you awake all night, you can sleep in the hallway and I’ll have your comfortable side of the bed.’
‘Nothing could be better than the ice cream Mickey bought me! It was mountainous !’
‘Was it indeed?’ Ren ruffles her hair and she tells him off for messing it up after the hairdresser has straightened it, and then he grins at me. ‘See? You can always rely on this one to drop you right in it. There are no secrets with a thirteen-year-old about.’
* * *
‘We’re not really hunting for mermaids, are we?’
Far from the romantic meal for two that Caryl implied, Ren and I have had fish and chips on the seafront while Ava is at her teen night, and after sitting and watching the lights of the boats in the harbour for a while, now I’ve dragged him down onto the sand for a walk further around the coast, leaving the harbour and the hotel behind us as our toes squidge into wet sand and the edge of the waves lap at our feet.
‘There’s no harm in seeing what we can see. You saw something from the window last night too.’
‘ I saw a dolphin playing. The issue is that not everyone agrees.’ He glances over at me. ‘However, there’s no harm in walking on the beach with you. It’s actually quite a pleasant way to spend an evening.’
I can’t help giggling at how formal he sounds, and it seems like a good time to bring up something I keep thinking about. ‘Speaking of doing things with me, this is the first chance I’ve had to ask you – the old man on the bench – why didn’t you correct him when he assumed we were a family? Or, more specifically, why did you go out of your way to not correct him?’
‘And there was me hoping you hadn’t noticed that.’ He looks at me with a raised eyebrow, and then shakes his head and looks back out to sea. ‘I don’t know. I liked it. I liked the thought of someone believing that a livewire like you would look twice at an old curmudgeon like me. I wanted to believe it too, just for a moment.’
‘Curmudgeon, really?’ I look at him curiously. ‘I didn’t realise people still used words like that in this land of the twenty-first century.’
He laughs, but I can tell he’s trying to put a jokey spin on something that there’s a hint of truth behind. His ex made him feel inadequate for enjoying a quiet life, and when he says things like that, it emphasises how deeply those scars run.
‘Firstly, you’re only forty-one, you haven’t reached curmudgeon status yet, and secondly, look twice at you? I can barely stop looking at you. You must have noticed that…’
His eyes are twinkling with mischief as they flick up to look at me again, but he doesn’t give me a proper response. Instead, he says, ‘I also wanted an excuse to put my arm around you.’
‘You don’t need an excuse for that.’ I hold out the hand that’s not carrying my shoes and he tangles our fingers together, and then I lift our joined hands so his arm loops over my head and settles around my shoulders, and he squeezes me closer to him, and then leans over to rest his head against mine for a moment. He rubs his chin against the top of my head so his stubble catches on the dark roots of my hair, and I breathe in his subtle orangey aftershave with every step, but he doesn’t try to put any space between us, and every so often, his fingers give mine a little squeeze, and I can’t remember the last time anything felt as nice as this feels.
We’ve walked far enough away from the town that it’s absolutely silent this far down the beach, and it feels like we could be the only two people on the planet, and I’m enjoying every moment of simply being with him.
‘Look at that.’ His voice is rough when he goes to speak after being quiet for so long. He disentangles our fingers and bends down to collect something from amongst the seaweed gathered at the tideline, and when he stands back up, he’s holding a beautiful pearly white conch shell. He holds it out to me, clearly remembering what I said so many weeks ago about how my dad and I used to speak into them, like Mum really was a mermaid and could hear us somehow.
He nods encouragingly when I don’t take it from him. My eyes have filled up at his thoughtfulness and if I release my lip from where it’s held between my teeth, it’s likely to unleash a swell of tears, and I see the moment he realises, closes his hand into a fist and hides the shell inside, and then holds his arms open, silently asking if he can hug me. When I nod, his arms encircle me from behind and tug me back against his chest without a word, and it feels like he’s giving me a moment and protecting me from the rest of the world while I take deep breaths and force myself not to cry again, although I’m not sure if it’s the memories of my mum, or if it’s the sheer gentle kindness of this gorgeous man.
Eventually I cover his hand with mine and open his fingers and he lets the conch shell drop into my palm. I brush my fingers over it and then hold it up to my mouth and whisper ‘I miss you’ into the opening, and then I step out of his arms so I can throw it as hard as I can and watch it plop back into the ocean, far out in the waves. ‘I like to think she’s still out there somewhere. I feel like she is sometimes.’
I stand with the waves lapping over my toes and he comes to stand beside me. He doesn’t say anything, but I appreciate the calm, reassuring presence of his height next to me, and without a word, his fingers tangle with mine and he squeezes my hand, and then holds it, his thumb brushing my skin, and we stand there, right at the edge of the waves, looking out at the ocean, for an endless time, and he makes me feel like nothing is more important than just appreciating nature and the magnificence of the ocean. ‘It feels like we’re listening for the sound of mermaids singing.’
‘Maybe we are.’
I glance up at him, but he keeps looking forwards and his face doesn’t give away whether he’s joking or not, but it doesn’t feel like he is.
It’s darker when we walk off again, and more glittering lights have come on in the houses on the shore. Boats are heading into the harbour behind us, making it look like the ocean itself is sparkling with moving fireflies, and the summer breeze rustles through the grasses on the dunes.
‘I feel like there should be a crab singing “Kiss the Girl” and fish spurting water all around us,’ Ren murmurs.
It makes me giggle, although unlike Ariel and Eric, I don’t think a gang of musically inclined sea creatures are going to be encouraging us to kiss each other.
‘I feel like we’re walking in a blue lagoon. This is so beautiful.’
‘You always say that.’
He squeezes my hand again. ‘Maybe it’s the person rather than the place.’
I make retching noises to cover how unbalanced those words make me feel, and he laughs, but quickly turns serious again. ‘Maybe it’s the feeling rather than the surroundings. We could be at the bottom of a stagnant well and it would still be a great night out with you.’
Butterflies fill every inch of my body in an instant, and my heart starts pitter-pattering, despite the fact that the bottom of a stagnant well would really not be a great night out.
‘What are you getting at, Ren?’ My voice is shaky because I want him to mean what I think he means, but at the same time, I’m sure he can’t .
‘I don’t know. You’ve always said I’m too blunt, and there it is, bluntly. I don’t know, but I do know this is something special and I’m terrified of it ending.’
‘Why should it end?’ I swing our joined hands between us, trying to shake loose the words he doesn’t seem able to say.
‘Because I don’t know how I’m going to keep getting my Mickey fix every day when school starts again. Summers are great. Summers are easy. I don’t have to go to work every day. I don’t have to spend half the evening marking and lesson planning and the other half trying to corral Ava into doing her maths homework, but the rest of the time, I start school at eight o’clock, if not earlier. I have to drag Ava in with me and she loathes hanging around until her friends get in. Some nights, I have to work overtime and she has to wait for me, which she also loathes . It doesn’t leave us much time for coming to Ever After Street, and I don’t know how only seeing you at weekends is going to be enough for either of us.’
‘Ava could always come to me after school. Hang out in the shop for a while rather than waiting for you. I’ve got an excuse to see you when you pick her up then. I’m a bit rusty at maths homework, but I could give it a go. And we could have dinner together then or something. I don’t want to let this go either. You’ve lit up my life in a way that’s made me realise what was missing, and how much I’ve shut people out and replaced them with made-up stories behind unwanted objects. Just seeing you at weekends isn’t enough for me either.’
He uses his grip on my hand to tug me to a halt, and pushes his other hand through his hair, looking out to the ocean like he’s searching for the right words. ‘All right, I said that wrong just now. It’s not that I’m scared of it ending – what I’m really terrified of is it not becoming more.’
I let out a breath and I can feel my face break into the biggest grin as he continues.
‘I’m not listening for the sound of mermaids singing now – I’ve been hearing mermaids sing since the moment I walked into your shop.’
I reach up and tuck his hair back and brush my fingers across his forehead. ‘The bang to the head from the Victorian birdcage wasn’t that hard.’
His laugh is a slightly unhinged cackle that really shows me how nervous he is. ‘Do you have any idea how much I’ve laughed this summer? I can’t remember the last time I laughed like I do with you, but you make everything feel easier and more fun. You make me feel different, and at the same time, you make me feel like I don’t need to be different, and?—’
‘You don’t need to be different. You were never the problem. We all understand that relationships end, but parenthood never does. Anyone who can walk out on a child is the problem. But in a way, she did the best thing she could possibly have done – because she freed you. She gave you the freedom to find someone who’s a better fit, someone who loves you exactly as you are and doesn’t want you to be any different. And Ava too.’
‘Ava won’t find another mother.’
‘I’d venture that no mother at all is better than one who strings her along, plays with her emotions, and never puts her first. Having a mother who makes you feel so unimportant is arguably more harmful. Feeling like an inconvenience is worse than being alone. And now Ava gets to have a relationship with you that she otherwise wouldn’t have had, and she gets to feel real love from a parent rather than tiptoeing around one who doesn’t want to be there.’
He doesn’t hide the emotions that cross his face. His eyes close and he shakes his head and then blinks them open again, and reaches up to stroke his fingers through my hair. ‘And that attitude is why I’ve fallen for you so hard. From day one, you’ve taken me out of my own head and given me a different perspective, and I never want to not have that perspective in my life again, and the biggest disservice I could do to you, Ava, and myself, is to not open my heart and beg you to come in, with your fairytales and your belief in magic and your bright hair that lights up every room, and?—’
I push myself up onto tiptoes and cut him off by pressing my lips against his, and he stumbles backwards and makes a noise of surprise, and then returns the kiss. It’s just a peck, but one of his hands is still holding mine and his fingers tighten so much that broken bones might be on the cards, and I pull him closer, stroke through his hair, and love the little shiver that runs through him, and the one he sends up my spine when his other hand settles on my back and his fingertips press into my skin.
Even though it’s just a peck, we’re both breathing hard when we pull back, and his forehead drops to rest against mine. He lets out a huge sigh of relief. ‘You feel it too.’
‘Of course I do.’ My fingers curl into his shoulder where my arm is still around him, trying to make sure that he feels how much he’s reminded me of all the good things in the world.
‘For the record, next time you can tell I’m overthinking something, feel free to stop me in exactly the same way.’
I laugh and lean up to press my lips to his cheek, exactly like I did that night on the riverbank, and his hands settle on my hips to hold me close, and his forehead rests against mine as another shuddery breath leaves him.
‘Ariel rescued Eric from drowning, and so did you. I’ve been trying to hold it together on my own for so many years, and that first hug in the café started unravelling something inside of me, and I feel like you’re the only person who’s ever seen past my walls and realised that I wasn’t holding it together at all.’
I think of that guy who came into my shop the first time. It didn’t seem like he could hide it. The only thing that would have made it more obvious is if he’d had a Post-it note stuck to his forehead saying ‘I’m barely holding it together’, but somehow, somewhere, he let me see that and unintentionally letting someone in when he was so closed off has chased away some old ghosts.
‘Maybe you are some kind of ethereal sea creature because you’ve bewitched me. From the moment I met you, all I wanted to do was see you again. Every day we spent time together, all I wanted was to spend more time together. I get excited at the thought of seeing you. That night on the riverbank aside, I’ve been feeling the same way around you every time we’re together – completely and utterly intoxicated. You soothe something inside me, the part of my soul that’s so broken. You cover all the sharp edges with warm and soft glue and stick them back together again.’
I pull back until I can look up into his eyes and cup his face, letting my thumb brush against his cheek. ‘All right, how much have you had to drink?’
‘Nothing, as you know,’ he says with a laugh, turning his face into my hand. ‘I’m not drunk, I’m desperate to kiss you. I can’t think about anything else.’
‘Well, I can. Where is this going, Ren? I’m not kissing you if this is a one-time thing. If you’re going to wake up in the morning and realise you need to dedicate your time to Ava and you haven’t got the room – headspace or heart space – for a relationship, then no. I’m not doing this. I can’t do this. I like you, you know that. Really like you, probably more than like you, and Ava too, but… she’s your priority, as she should be. She and I get on great, but she might not be open to you getting into a relationship again – it could change things.’
‘It won’t change anything. She’s been on at me to ask you out since the first day. She loves you to bits and fully supports anything happening between us. She’s told me 11,762 times and been disappointed when I’ve told her to forget it.’
I laugh, but the last bit of that sentence gives me pause. ‘And what about you? I know how much you’ve been hurt. I know it isn’t easy to open up again. Are you ready for something more? Really ready?’
‘Honestly? I never thought I would be. Five weeks ago, I knew that I’d never get into another relationship ever again. And then I met you. I’ve fallen so hard for you, I feel like I’m in freefall and you’re the only thing stopping me from hitting the ground. I regret so much about my marriage, but I already know that the greatest regret of my life would be not seeing where this goes. I need you to be part of our lives, and if we carry on as we are, I’m going to end up kissing you and ruining everything, so please give me permission to kiss you and not ruin everything…’
‘It wouldn’t ruin anyth?—’
He cuts me off with a kiss, and this time, it’s the furthest thing from a peck. His mouth touches mine, gentle at first, but quickly becoming more forceful when my arms slide around his shoulders and drag him closer until my fingers tangle in the hair at the nape of his neck, and the noise he makes is probably the hottest noise I’ve ever heard in my life. If I was to lose my hearing tomorrow, I would still die happy that I ever got to hear that noise. It’s like the loosening of a thousand tightly wound screws that burst open all at once, and the kiss is like a mutual sigh of relief.
I can’t imagine what it takes for someone who has been so badly hurt by love to ever open himself up again, and I never thought I would either, but Ren has inadvertently got under my skin from the first moment I saw him.
One leg hooks around his to pull him impossibly closer, and his thigh presses in places that make my hands grasp his hair harder, and my teeth nip his lower lip. His legs stumble for purchase in the wet sand as the waves wash over our feet, and he ends up holding me under the thighs as he fails at keeping us upright and sinks down onto his knees without breaking the kiss, groaning in both pain and pleasure as my legs wrap around him. It feels like the whole ocean breathes a sigh of relief as we land in it, and we just keep kissing.
I’m unable to tear my mouth away from his, even though I can feel seawater seeping through my jeans. His hands are rubbing up and down my back, one is gripping my hip to hold me in place when we finally pull back, gasping for breath, our chests heaving like we may never get our breath back again.
‘Wow,’ he breathes the word, and a tingle goes through me because the feeling is absolutely mutual, and I’ve never kissed someone who simply says that afterwards and doesn’t try to hide how deeply affected he is, and I can’t remember the last time I felt so much emotion just from a kiss.
We sit there on the wet sand, breathing hard, my knees on either side of his legs, occasionally he leans forward to brush his lips across mine, and he takes my shaking hand and tangles our fingers together, holding our joined hands down in the lapping water, making me giggle at the tickling sensation, as I rest my forehead against his and tuck his hair back, and just breathe in sync with each other.
It’s a bit like when Ariel saved Eric from drowning, and watched over him on the beach, except Eric didn’t suddenly swear and say, ‘Oh, bugger, my phone!’
Ren scrambles to his feet and manages to pull me up in the same swift movement as he yanks his phone from his back pocket and tries to dry it off with his T-shirt.
He’s breathing hard and I’m breathless, and after that kiss, the water lapping over my feet is not the only thing that makes it feel like the ground is shifting underneath me. ‘One thing Disney mermaid movies didn’t make allowances for was modern technology.’
He laughs, even though the phone he’s holding is dripping with sandy seawater.
I nod to it. ‘We should head back, try to dry that out.’
‘You think my legs are steady enough to walk after that? Also, time to ourselves is going to be rarer than you think. This is just a short interlude to resuscitate my phone, but I’m not done kissing you yet while I’ve got the chance without a thirteen-year-old watching on.’
We share a few more kisses on the darkened beach before I realise that it really is getting late, and we need to head back before someone sends out a search party.
‘Can I say something?’ he says as we start walking back the way we came. ‘If I have to pay a few hundred quid to replace my phone, it was worth every penny for a kiss like that.’
‘That might just be the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me. You can have as many kisses like that as you want, just make sure they’re on dry land next time.’
‘Ah, where would be the fun in that? And you make life a lot more fun than it was before.’ He glances down at himself, taking in his wet trousers and sandy T-shirt. ‘And much, much wetter.’
‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’
He takes my hands and twirls us around, and we run, dance, and skip back along the beach, and I feel like the luckiest Ariel who’s just found the real-life Prince Eric who filled my young romantic dreams, and that’s better than finding all the dinglehoppers and snarfblatts in the world.