Chapter Twenty-Three
Sophie returned a few minutes later, fresh-faced, holding the fluffy blanket she had brought with her and a water bottle. She was serious about having this conversation.
Climbing onto the bed, she settled herself against the headboard, legs crossed, turning slightly towards Fernando. “Ready, Freddy!”
“I’m not sure where to begin,” Fernando admitted.
“Let’s start with what you think your biggest fear could be if it isn’t flying. The one Julio and Anthony alluded to,” she suggested helpfully.
“Uh, okay.” Staring straight ahead, Fernando toyed with the corner of the duvet covering the bed. “What do you remember me telling you about my childhood?”
“That you were abandoned at the firehouse one morning, and Colin McKenzie found you. Your lips were blue you were so cold. You were only a few hours old. He rushed you to the hospital and stayed with you until they assigned you to a social worker. He stayed in contact with the social worker and kept tabs on you, and as you got older, he came to get you on Saturdays to spend time with you. Eventually, he included Julio and your other BBC brothers in the Saturday morning pickups. He is like a father figure to you but never actually fostered you in his home.”
“I didn’t realize I had shared so much with you,” Fernando said thoughtfully, thinking about how much he must have trusted Sophie over the years to let that much about his history slip into their conversations.
“I picked up bits and pieces over the years. More came out when you hired Brice, Cory, and Callie.”
“Oh, well, you pretty much know it all then.”
“I may know some of the bigger events but not the fear that is holding you back. What do you think that is?”
“I think I have always struggled with abandonment. The fear of not being wanted, not being good enough to be wanted.”
“Okay, let’s say it’s that. How is that fear holding you back? How are you being a chicken now, as Julio suggested?”
“I don’t know!” Fernando scrubbed his hands over his face in frustration. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled.”
Sophie moved to sit in front of him, swatting his legs so he pulled them in and sat cross-legged, his back still leaning against the headboard while she sat cross-legged in front of him.
She took his hands in hers, intertwining their fingers.
“It’s okay to be frustrated and uncomfortable, but you don’t have to be those things because of me. I’m your friend. Let me help you work this out. Not because of a family pact but because it will help you move forward.” Her gaze was loving and open.
Fernando felt safe with Sophie. Opening up was uncomfortable, but he trusted her .
“I don’t know. I went to a psychologist a few times when I was younger, and they said I had abandonment issues, and that was why I found it so hard to attach to anyone. When I do, I hold on with an iron fist, which they said could be very unhealthy. That is one reason I stopped dating. I always had a hard time connecting with others, specifically women, but I was also worried I would become a stalker or something,” he confessed, rubbing his thumbs over the soft skin of her knuckles.
“Okay, let’s go with that. How would struggling with abandonment make you not trust your family, which you have already chosen to let in and love? You have held onto them with an iron fist, if I’m not mistaken. Refusing to give up on Enrique even when it hurt to hold on.”
“When I love, I love all in. Every part of my being... like I want someone to love me. When I learned about Christ’s unconditional love, I believed it; I felt it. I wanted to be like that. And I am. But I still struggle with feeling worthy sometimes. I know my family loves me and will never do anything to hurt me. That is why Hannah sent that letter. I know it was her idea. She knew I couldn’t stay mad in light of their love.”
“Then why do you think you got so upset when I told you they had shut you down for twenty-one days? You trust Anthony and Gabriel with your business; they are much more successful than you are. Your advisors and they are the very reason you have the success you do. Why, then, did you get angry at them for taking control while you relaxed for a moment? Did you really think they would take FK Media Group away from you?”
“No, not really. I think… I think I may be terrified of failing. Like this was a sign that I needed my big brothers to come in and save my business. Like I wasn’t good enough to be successful on my own. ”
“What do you think the underlying fear is here? That you will lose the business. Lose the fame? Lose the money? What was Julio hinting at?”
“Julio has always suggested that I was working so hard to be a famous author so that my mother would want me and come back for me.”
“Okay. Help me connect the dots. How do these two pieces of information fit together?”
“Maybe I’m fighting so hard to be in control of everything all the time because I need it to succeed, to grow, so that I will be worthy of my mother’s love. I have to keep getting bigger and bigger until my streaming services and name are known worldwide so she will see me and come looking for me wherever she is. Maybe I’m worried about failing because that would prove I’m not worthy.”
A tear trickled down Fernando’s cheek unnoticed, and Sophie’s heart broke. This man was so precious to everyone who knew him, but she had no idea how to show him that. She gently untangled her right hand from his and used her fingers to lift his chin so their eyes met.
“Fernando, I have no words that will mean more to you than those spoken by your family over the past twenty years, but I’m going to try because sometimes we just need to hear them from a different person—a different perspective. The most important being this: You said earlier that you knew Christ loved you when you heard the story of how he died for our sins and rose again to prepare a place for us in heaven if we believe in Him.”
“Yes.”
“If you are a Christ follower, you have asked Him to be your Lord and Savior, and you know you live for Him every day; there is nothing on Earth that can make you more worthy. If the very creator of the universe calls you by name, the attention or love of a mere mortal should mean nothing in comparison. I am not negating the power of a mother’s love in any way. I have no idea what happened the day you were born that led to you being dropped off at a safe place instead of being raised by your mother. I do know this: God blessed you with the most amazing family. You didn’t find each other; He placed you in each other’s lives for a purpose. You are a kind and caring employer. Yes, you hold too tightly to control, and your brothers are taking this time to let you see that you don’t need to. But you are a wonderful boss. The day you walked into that watch store and offered me this job was a miracle. I’ll tell you that story sometime, but I strongly believe God sent you to me and my family that day. We don’t always understand the path we are on, but trust in the Lord to guide you; you are doing His work. Your love for Him and the work you do for His kingdom is what makes you worthy. Not the number of billboards and online ads with your face on them. Not the billions in our investment portfolio. Your love of His people... all of them. The bad. The ugly. The downtrodden. God sent you to love others, and you do. Rest in the knowledge that He loves you, and He has sent you family and friends who love you unconditionally, too. Whatever happens with your mother, know that you are loved, and no failing of books or business will ever change that.”
Sophie stood, cupped his face with her hands, and kissed him on the forehead.
“Thank you for sharing your story with me tonight. I’m going to leave you to your thoughts and perhaps to call one of your brothers while I go call my family and pray for you.”
“Thank you, Sophie. Sweet dreams,” Fernando whispered, gently covering her hand with his own.
“Sweet dreams.”