Chapter 25
Carmen
You’d think after so many weeks and a new relationship, the thought of Molly being close wouldn’t cause such a deep ache, and yet that’s exactly what Carmen felt every time she closed her eyes and pictured Molly.
It wasn’t fair to Rachel. Carmen was well aware of that and yet she still didn’t do the right thing and break it off. And now, Rachel was talking about their future, whereas Carmen was thinking about another woman. She was a garbage human being!
“So, what do you think? A trip to Vermont in the Fall would be so romantic.” Rachel wasn’t going to let the topic drop, no matter how many times Carmen tried to avoid it.
“Um, I’m not sure, Rach, it depends on what Rita needs me to do.” Bullshit excuse, but it was all Carmen had.
“Right, sure.” Rachel’s eyes narrowed and Carmen felt herself shrink. “I guess I’ll be the adult then,” Rachel continued. “Carmen, do you want to be in this relationship?”
“What, of course!”
“Why don’t I believe you? I feel like the only one invested in this. It doesn’t help that trying to talk to you is like pulling teeth.”
Guilt. That’s all Carmen felt. She should have known that Rachel, a detective, would pick up her growing unease. “I think maybe we’re just moving fast.”
“Okay. Which part of us dating is moving too fast?”
“All of it,” Carmen sighed. Stop being a fucking coward! “Rachel, I just don’t think I’m ready for this, for dating.”
Rachel nodded her head in thought. “You pursued me. You remember that, right?”
Dropping her head to her chest, Carmen blew out a breath. “Yeah, I did and I’m sorry I’m jerking you around. I thought this was what I wanted. I thought I was ready to try getting serious with someone.”
“But I’m not the right someone, huh?”
“I—” What could she say? Rachel wasn’t wrong, but the someone Carmen kept thinking about was the one person she couldn’t have. Mateo and Enid would tell her she was making stupid excuses, purposely sabotaging herself, and, yes, they were probably right, but no matter how hard Carmen tried to break down her own walls, she was stuck.
“Carmen, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I just wish you would have been a little more honest with yourself before you got me involved.”
“Rachel, I’m so sorry. The last thing I want is to hurt you. And, I know that is a bullshit clichéd thing to say to you, but it really is the truth.”
“It’s disappointing. I thought we made a damn good couple, but I’ll get over it. Maybe I’ll call you in a few weeks, after we’ve both had some time.”
Carmen nodded, squeezing Rachel’s hand as she stood to leave. Fuck! “I’m sorry, Rach.”
“See you around, Ruiz.”
Carmen scrubbed her hands up and down her face in frustration. This was not how the day was supposed to go!
Even though Rachel wasn’t the one for her, a tug pulled at Carmen’s heart as she watched Rachel leave. Was this going to be her life? Alone, unable to connect, or allow herself to get close? Shaking her head, Carmen whipped out her phone and hit dial. Living this way was unacceptable. “Hi Doc, can you fit me in?”
For weeks now, Carmen hadn’t been telling her therapist the entire truth about her feelings. They spoke about Carmen changing careers and they worked on ways Carmen could learn to trust others. Carmen was happy to talk about Rachel, Mateo, and Faith, but the one person she hadn’t allowed herself to talk in depth about was Molly.
Everyone in Carmen’s life was happy. They were living for themselves. Mateo and Daniel, Faith and Nathalie. Hell, even Enid was speed dating. And all Carmen could do was hide behind her walls, hurting people she cared for.
After a grueling session, Carmen left her therapist’s office feeling raw but in a better frame of mind. Rachel was right to end things with her. Carmen was not in the right place to start a serious relationship. There was a lot of work to do on herself, and she couldn’t concentrate on that with someone else in her life.
Learning to let people in was her number one goal. Getting out and meeting people, forming connections became a priority. Since working for Rita, Carmen had been getting out of the house a hell of a lot more, but she was still holed up in her room most of the time.
“Okay, Ruiz, what’s the first step?” she asked herself, walking towards her favorite coffee shop. A sign in the shop window caught Carmen’s eye. The owner of the café was advertising space above the shop to rent. There were three offices in total. “Well, if this isn’t a sign, literally, I don’t know what is,” Carmen chuckled.
Renting an office was the answer. There would be at least two other people occupying the space, which meant Carmen would have to step out of her comfort zone and socialize a little.
Pushing through the door, Carmen made her way to the counter. After ordering a large coffee, Carmen inquired about the space. The owner was a lovely lady who took Carmen upstairs to view the last remaining office. It was perfect.
The day may have started rocky, but things were looking up. Carmen signed the lease there and then. It was a risk and she might regret it, but drastic action was called for.
◆◆◆
Shuffling to the bathroom, Carmen yawned, scratching her butt. After signing the lease, she tasked herself with organizing files and folders ready to move to her new space. It was past midnight by the time she finished. At some point, she heard Nathalie arrive, and then Faith come home.
Yawning, she shuffled to the bathroom. It was relatively early in the morning, but Carmen couldn’t fall back to sleep. Her foot had just reached the tile on the bathroom floor when a noise carried from Faith’s room. Freezing, Carmen’s eyes grew wide. A second groan, louder than the first, reached her ears. “No, no, nope.” Carmen did not want to be hearing what she was hearing. Actually, she wanted to bleach her ears. Turning on her heel, she clamped her hands over her ears and rushed through the house, not stopping until she made it to Enid’s house.
“Why are you on my doorstep in your boxers?” Enid questioned the moment she opened her door.
“Can’t I just stop by?”
“Sure you can, but you usually wear more clothes. Christ, Carmen, your tits are amazing.”
Wrapping her arms around her chest, Carmen rolled her eyes. “Thanks,” she chuckled.
“I remember when my boobs stayed north of the equator all on their own. Ah, the good old days.”
“Your boobs look great. Now, have you got bourbon or something?”
“You know I’m not one to turn down day drinking, but it’s pretty damn early to be starting on the hard booze, even for me. What’s going on, love?”
“I heard something, I can’t unhear.”
“Ah, Mateo tugging one out?”
Carmen’s face paled. “Oh my God, no! That’s disgusting. I don’t want that in my head. Gross!”
“Alright, no need to get your panties in a wad. I share a wall with you. I know you’re no stranger to getting it on solo.”
“Fuck my life,” Carmen groaned.
“Oh, calm down. What did you hear?”
“Faith,” Carmen forced out. “And Nathalie.” There, no need to explain further.
“What about them?”
“Um, I think, I think they were… you know.”
“Carmen Ruiz, you are a grown ass woman approaching forty. You should be able to say sex without dying of embarrassment.”
“I don’t want to say sex and Faith in the same sentence, ever!”
“Why, what’s wrong? She’s young and in love. Nathalie is wonderful. I would have thought you’d be pleased she was getting nasty with someone she loves.”
“Getting nasty? No, see why do you have to say things like that? Faith’s innocent and young and…”
“Ha, you’re in full parent mode right now,” Enid cackled.
“What do you mean?”
“You see Faith as yours. No parent wants to think of their kid bumping uglies with anyone.”
“Yeah, okay, fine. I do feel a bit like a parental figure. That’s a normal thought, right?”
“Of course. That girl definitely sees you as a parental figure, no doubt.”
“So you get why I don’t want to hear that,” Carmen stated, pointing towards the wall which connected their houses.
“Kind of, but come on. You’re no prude. You know how important it is to talk to kids about this sort of thing.”
“I’m not qualified to do that, Enid. I barely got through the whole dental dam incident.” Not to mention the mutual masturbation conversation.
Enid let out a belly laugh. “Yeah, that was funny. But Carmen, that was a bit of fun. Talking one-on-one with Faith about her feelings and safe sex is very different.”
“Maybe I should call Molly.”
“Maybe you should. First thing though, love. Stop freaking out. Stay and have a cup of coffee and a bagel, then go home.”
“Okay.”
The house was quiet when she arrived home. Slipping on a pair of sweatpants and a fresh tank, Carmen grabbed a few boxes and headed to her new office. She’d face Faith later, after she talked to Molly.
With files littering every surface, Carmen dropped into her office chair. The phone rang several times before Molly finally picked up. “Hey stranger.”
“Hey, Mol, you okay?” The question was met with silence for a few seconds.
“Um, yeah, all good here. What’s up?”
Carmen knew there was something going on, but if Molly didn’t want to say, she wouldn’t push. “Okay, so a thing happened,” Carmen began.
“A thing?” Molly laughed. “Okay, what thing?”
“Um, I think Faith and Nathalie are, um, you know, sexually active.”
“Right, okay.”
“Um, should I talk to her, or do you want to, or should we leave it?”
“Carmen,” Molly laughed. “You’re rambling.”
“Sorry, I just feel out of my depth on this.”
“Why? Faith talks to you about everything, doesn’t she?”
“Yeah, but this is different, right? I mean, this is a big deal, isn’t it? It was when I first started having sex.”
“It might not be a big deal to her. Maybe wait for Faith to come to you. I’m sure she’ll want someone to confide in, and my guess is that will be you.”
“Shouldn’t it be you, though?”
“Why? Because we’re blood-related? It doesn’t work like that. I’m just happy she’s comfortable enough to talk to you about these things.”
“Why aren’t you freaking out?”
“Why are you?”
“I… I supposed it just sort of took me by surprise. I mean, I never, ever want to hear what I heard again. But I suppose I’m happy they were somewhere safe.”
“Listen, I have to go, but call me anytime, okay? And stop freaking out. Sex is natural and fun. Maybe you need reminding of that,” Molly laughed. A heat rose in Carmen’s chest as she visualized Molly bent over the old truck, Carmen knuckle-deep inside.
“Ha, yeah,” Carmen stuttered. “Okay, talk soon.” Dropping the phone to her desk, Carmen took a few steady breaths.
“Okay, Ruiz, get yourself together. You are a successful woman. You kick ass daily. You can handle a teenager having sex.”
The pep talk revved Carmen up and gave her the confidence needed until she stepped foot inside the house later that afternoon and came face to face with Faith. Instead of being a kickass woman, she melted into a nervous puddle. “Hey, kid.”
“Hey, Carmen, do you have a second?” Oh God, she’s going to talk to me about it.
“Sure, absolutely.”
“Are you okay? You’re flustered.”
“Yes, yep, I’m fine, I’m ready!”
“Ready? What for?”
“Nothing, or anything, whatever you want to tell me.”
Faith looked utterly perplexed at Carmen’s behavior. “Riiight, okay. Um, so I wanted to ask you something.”
“It’s completely natural, and as long as you and Nathalie are both consenting, it’s okay. I’m glad you were in a safe space to explore things together. I’m happy to take you to a clinic if you want to get tested, you know, just to make sure you’re both safe, or I can ask Mateo, or Enid if you like,” Carmen blurted.
Faith’s stunned face stared back at her. Maybe Carmen could have approached it a little better. “You… you know about… me and Nathalie?”
“Is that not what you wanted to talk to me about?”
“No, I wanted to ask if you slept with Molly.” Oh. My. God. This is not happening!
“What… what makes you ask that?” Carmen squeaked. Was it as hot in the house as Carmen thought? Pulling at the collar of her tank top, she willed herself not to sweat.
“I figured something happened between you at the party. First, I thought you argued, but then I stopped being dumb and put it together. You like each other and I think you slept with each other.”
“I… um, this is a little uncomfortable if I’m being honest, Faith.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know that I’m okay with you guys liking each other. I don’t want you to be weird because she’s my aunt or whatever. That’s all.”
“Okay, well, thanks for that. Molly and I are just friends though, and I doubt that will change.”
Faith’s face showed disappointment. “Right, sure. It’s between you guys. I just wanted you to know.”
Clearing her throat, Carmen stood a little straighter. “So, do you… want to talk about…”
“Having sex with Nathalie?” Faith chuckled. “I think I’m good. We waited until both of us were ready and it was perfect. I promise I will come to you though, if I need to.”
“Excellent, right, good chat! I’m going to drink a bottle of rum and forget this morning ever happened. Cool?”
“Cool,” Faith laughed.
As appealing as a bottle of rum sounded, Carmen resisted the urge to get blackout drunk. Instead, she ordered an extra-large pizza and binge-watched Netflix. After napping away the food coma she’d put herself in, Carmen worked on the task Dr. Stark set in their session.
Apparently, Carmen wasn’t great at voicing her feelings. Who knew! So, she was given the unenviable job of writing a diary. One where she tried her best to open herself up entirely. The doctor thought it would be a good way for Carmen to learn how to trust herself. Which, according to her, was the first step to Carmen trusting others.
So far she’d doodled a flower and a cloud in the page’s corner. Why was it so hard? All she had to do was note her feelings. It was hard because for thirty years, Carmen had done her best to push her feelings to one side so she could survive. “Christ,” she grumbled to herself before putting pen to paper and scribbling out any thought that crossed her mind.
As soon as she finished, she re-read her notes. “Jesus, am I really this cynical?” she muttered. The page was full of Carmen’s mistrust of the world. It was clear that, for far too long, Carmen had regarded the world through a very jaded lens.
One sentence stood out from all others. In the middle of her ramblings, Carmen read: If the one person you should be able to trust in the whole world abandons you, what hope is there for anyone else? Why did you leave me, mom?
Carmen’s eyes stung as tears threatened to fall. Why had she written that? Carmen didn’t think about her mom, ever! She never had a mother, and she’d made peace with that.
“Hermana?” Mateo’s soft voice pulled Carmen’s gaze from the paper. Words wouldn’t come. Mateo sat beside her, stroking her back. His eyes fell on the mess of writing. Pulling the paper from Carmen’s grip, he read. “Oh, honey,” he sighed, pulling Carmen in tighter.
“I’m so broken,” she sobbed.
“You’re not broken, chica, you just need a little help.”
“I shouldn’t be like this, Mateo. Not after all this time. Why can’t I just fucking get over it?”
Leaning back, Mateo cupped Carmen’s face with both his hands. “Carmen, you have spent so long being strong for everyone else. There is no time limit on trauma.”
“I didn’t go through what you did. What the hell have I got to be traumatized about?” Carmen had never voiced her thoughts like this to Mateo.
“You went through plenty. You became an adult when you were still a child. You saw things and did things no kid should have to, and you did it whilst looking after me. You got me the help I needed and I know you went to therapy as well, but I know you, Carmen. I know you didn’t open yourself up fully. You think guarding your emotions and keeping everything to yourself protects you, but it only hurts you more. This paper right here shows me you are ready to work through everything. For real this time. And Carmen, I’m going to be with you every step of the way, understand?”
“Mateo,” Carmen cried, shaking her head.
“No, this isn’t a debate. I’m in a good place because of you. Let me be your pillar of strength now.”
“I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Yes, you do. You’re already doing it. Being open with your therapist is the biggest step you could take, and I’m so proud of you.”
“I don’t understand why now. Why am I breaking down now?”
Mateo paused. Carmen could see he was figuring out the best way to say what was on his mind. “Honestly, I think it’s because you found someone you could see a future with.”
“Mateo,” Carmen scoffed.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to believe that. In the end, it doesn’t matter why. All that matters is you working through this shit so you can finally live a full and happy life. It will never be perfect, chica. I still have triggers, you know that, but I’m ninety percent there. I want that for you.”
“I want that too,” Carmen admitted.
“Okay, so what’s the plan?”
“I think I need some time away. A lot has happened over the past few months and maybe a bit of time alone will help me see through it all. I need to clear my head.”
“Alone? Are you sure?”
“I am. I’m going to listen to my doctor and spend quality time with myself. Is that okay?”
“Whatever you need, honey. I’ll be right here when you need me.”
Carmen had always thought she needed to keep Mateo close, to keep him from harm. Control was her friend, but now, after reading her innermost thoughts on that paper, Carmen understood she’d been holding everything too close.
If she were ever going to get to a place of happiness, she had to leave.