Finding My Name (Chosen Name #1)

1. Sally

CHAPTER ONE

Sally

I’m never going out untucked again.

The gas station clerk has been staring at me since I walked in.

I’ve spent the last five minutes staring at the same section of drinks.

I’ve burned the contents of the fridge into my head.

First, the energy drinks, then coffee, and lastly, tea.

After running my eyes over the selection for the hundredth time, I anxiously glance over at the front counter.

Yep.

He’s still staring at me. Nerves bubble up from my stomach.

Maybe he just thinks I’m a stupid kid trying to steal something or buy alcohol—even though I’m pretty sure all the kids from school get their beer from him.

Lotte always says if you flash your tits, then the clerks will just let you buy whatever.

If I’m being honest, I’d rather him think I’m stealing than the alternative.

I hate it when people stare just because they know I’m trans.

I look down at my outfit. White crop top with different-colored butterflies and a light-blue tennis skirt.

My stomach is barely showing, though that’s not something I normally worry about.

The intrusive thought that clouds my mind is whether there is a minor bump showing everything I try to hide from the world.

I thought I would stop being this self-conscious about passing after I graduated. I’ve spent five years becoming this version of myself, and there’s still more to achieve, but one weird look, and I’m contemplating running away.

Running away sounds nice.

I take a green tea out of the fridge, steeling my nerves as I walk up to the counter.

“This all, Sally?” he asks, sounding disinterested in my response. My stomach drops to the floor, and I let out an audible squeak.

He raises his eyebrow at me, draping his eyes over my figure not once but twice. His eyes glaze over slightly as they stop at my chest.

“Sally, you’re like a tranny, right?”

My eyes widen, and my cheeks flush.

“Um…yeah.” My voice sounds foreign under its nervous quiver, unlike the screaming in my head.

Did I really just respond like that? I’m still so weak-willed that I can’t even correct someone when they throw a slur at me.

The glaze over his eyes vanishes, and his gaze drags down to my skirt for a second before finally coming back up to my eyes. He really checked to see if there was a bulge.

“Shame.” He scans the drink, disinterested in the conversation again. “ You were kind of hot.”

I need to get out of here before I throw the can at him or cry. Maybe I should do both. Both sound nice.

“Thank you.” I quickly throw two dollars onto the counter. Why the fuck did I say thank you? Curse my moms for teaching me manners above all else.

“Tell Lotte to come in sometime,” he calls after me as I run out of the store.

Fuck you, dude.

I want to get out of here as quickly as possible. Without missing a beat, I pile into the red sedan right outside. I continue to stare at the drink in my hand.

All the effort I put into being as feminine as possible feels pointless.

“Sally,” a familiar voice attempts to brings me out of my spiral. My eyes meet the golden-brown ones of my sister, Ariella, better known as Ella.

Ella Reed, my sister and best friend. Most people don’t guess the former, though.

They can clearly see we are best friends, but when comparing us side by side, we look nothing alike.

She has dark-brown curls that spirals down her back and golden skin dusted with freckles.

Her whole appearance contrasts mine, from my pale skin and blonde hair with pink highlights.

Even our styles are completely different.

Ella loves looking like the kind of girl that can kick your ass with ripped jeans, a tank top, combat boots, and a leather jacket.

We weren’t always thick as thieves. When she was first adopted, we said maybe three words a day to each other. That was how it went for the first few months. I was still fresh in my transition, with only a year on blockers and a few months on estrogen.

“Are you okay? Hey, Sally.” She snaps her fingers in front of my face. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” she repeats.

I shake away the thoughts with the embarrassing realization that I was just staring at my tea without answering Ella. My knuckles tighten around the hem of my skirt.

“Yeppers,” I chirp, hoping that my fake happiness tricks her.

She furrows her brow, obviously noticing my bullshit acting job.

“You know you can’t lie to me.” She glances down at my knuckles before turning to face the front of the car. “Four years, and you still think you can suddenly have an acting career.”

“Way to kill my dreams,” I mutter, turning to face the convenience store. “We should get going. We’ll be late picking up Leon.”

The car remains stationary, and I can practically feel Ella’s stern gaze boring into the back of my skull. “We’re already late. What’s a few more minutes? What happened?”

“Nothing,” I sigh and look back at Ella. Once again, she’s not buying it.

“Really, we need to get Leon before he gets mad. I don’t want to hear him whine the entire way home.”

“He’ll just flirt with the football players.”

“Probably get yelled at again for distracting them.” I let out a chuckle, which causes Ella to grin at me.

Without saying a word, she backs out of the gas station, and we are back on our way to pick up our brother.

“Don’t think I’ve let this go. I just needed you to actually smile before we left.”

I roll my eyes, not from annoyance but from the amount of cheesiness that just came from her mouth. Hopefully, Leon is just flirting the day away, so he won’t complain when we actually pick him up. My little brother is a shameless flirt to the point that I’m not even sure he means to.

A few minutes later, we are driving into the school parking lot. I hated going to school here. In the system, I was Sally Reed, but that was also at the beginning of my transition, so everyone assumed I was a boy with a girl’s name.

“You want to get out and look for Leon while I find somewhere to park?” I blink a few times, dragging my eyes to Ella. She continues, “He’s not out front, which means he’s by the practice field.”

Now would be the time to open the door and find my brother. That isn’t happening, though. I just stare at the institution that filled my nightmares for four years. Even the teachers dead-named me behind my back.

“Sally, we talked about this,” Ella says, giving me the same face she would give me every morning while we sat in her car before school. “Everyone that bullied you is off on some stupid, rich people vacation.”

I let out a forced laugh.

“Sally—”

Before she can start again, I’m out the door and walking through the courtyard. The practice field is behind the main building. Everywhere just reminds me of the years spent not wanting to be here.

The school didn’t want to waste money on making different fields for each sport, so they had to share. Though, football was probably the most important sport here. Everyone worships the ground the players walk on.

My eyes rake across the field of players, the sound of pads crashing together, the coach yelling out that he’d never seen this many pussies play football.

I’m so glad I never played football, even before the transition.

I was so small, but that didn’t stop my sperm donor from trying to get me to ‘man up.’

Taking my attention away from the field, my eyes land on Leon, sitting on a set of bleachers.

He isn’t facing me, so when I sit down, his head snaps over in surprise.

His wavy, chestnut-brown hair looks disheveled like he’s been messing with it.

The strands, however, don’t cover his different-colored eyes.

One is dark blue, while the other is dark brown.

I remember when I first met Leon. He’s the youngest of the adopted Reed siblings, but he’s always had the most presence.

Instantly, he started babbling at me about his day and how excited he was to meet me. Now, those eyes are red and puffy.

“Hey,” he whispers before turning back to the field. My eyes follow him and fall on one boy playing on the field. “Chase has a new boyfriend.”

“Ahh.” Damn it, Sally, think of something else to say. But the boy he’s looking at isn’t Chase. His cheating ex-boyfriend goes to a different school.

“That’s Hugo, his best friend.” He stares intently before a few more tears come down his face.

I want to reach out and hug him. I should hug him. He’s my little brother and needs comfort, but I’m not a good big sister, so I sit there watching him.

“I hooked up with him.” He sniffles before wiping his face. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

“No, you’re not,” I deny it, but he shakes his head.

“I am.”

“Having a rebound isn’t a bad thing,” I continue, finally taking one of his hands into my own.

“It’s not the rebound, Sally.” Leon closes his eyes, letting out a sigh. “It’s the fact that I did it just to get back at Chase.”

“I don’t see the issue—”

“I took a picture.” My stomach drops. “Right after it was done, he passed out, and I took a selfie, like a douche.”

“What did you do with the photo?” My throat is dry.

Leon turns to face me again, giving me a solemn look. He doesn’t want to say it, but I have my answer.

“Delete it,” I blurt out, shocking him. My hand lets go of him, and I replace my worried expression with a serious one.

“You really think I’d keep that picture?” he questions, but my face remains the same. “Sally, come on. Do you see me right now and think I kept that shit?”

I want to believe him, but the pain in my gut and the fog that rolls into my mind fills with images from last year. Suddenly, Leon places his phone in my hand. I check his photos in the last couple of weeks and even look in the deleted folder. Nothing.

I breathe a sigh of relief before handing the device back to my little brother. He is obviously still upset, so I put my arm around him and bring him in closer. He buries his face in the crook of my neck.

It takes a few more minutes of sniffles brushing against my neck before Leon is ready to go. Ella is going to be pissed we took so long, but she’ll forgive us. Plus, the sooner we leave, the sooner I don’t have to be here anymore.

“Leon?” Both of our heads snap toward the sound, and my stomach drops even further than before. Who knew it could leave my body? “Oh, hey, Sally. How's graduating?”

Leon unlatches himself from me and walks over to Jeremy.

There stands Dalton’s little brother, Jeremy. I lost my virginity to his brother, but then he took those photos of me, and everything shattered.

“Sis?” Leon’s voice breaks my thoughts, and both of the soon-to-be juniors are looking at me. “Jeremy asked how you are.”

“Fine.” I bite my cheek, realizing the bitterness leaving my mouth. Please don’t notice.

They notice. Leon stares in confusion, and Jeremy shifts his position awkwardly. Now I feel bad. What happened between Dalton and me isn’t his fault. The only people that know about it are my parents.

I continue to stare in awkward silence as Leon finishes talking to his friend.

Leon is far more popular than me. It’s his extroverted personality and the fact that, even in a small town like this, straight girls love the idea of a gay best friend.

They might look at Ella and me like we are nothing, but Leon is their favorite trophy.

“Oh, Sally, Dalton wanted to say he is going to miss you.” If my neck had turned any faster, it would have broken.

His face is still innocent, like always. Jeremy looks up to his brother, just like Leon looks up to Miggy and Richie. I want to scream that Dalton is the worst man I’ve ever met, but I don’t.

“Same here.” It isn’t necessarily a lie.

I’m a dreamer at heart, and I miss the Dalton I thought I was getting to know. Fantasies are nice, but they just live in your head, and they can become nightmares with the slightest change.

With that, Leon and I make our way to Ella, and while she’s pissed about waiting, they still scream Taylor Swift the whole way home.

Our home is average-sized. You wouldn’t think the roof has held eight kids, but it has. Though, no more than five have lived here since I was adopted.

“Moms!” Leon yells when we walk into the open kitchen. There is no response, so Leon shrugs and walks over to the couch, hopping onto it and turning on the TV.

Ella and I stay in the kitchen. I make my way to the fridge and pull out the Brita pitcher while Ella grabs some glasses.

“Do you want any snacks?”

“Yes!” Leon answers.

“Wasn’t asking you,” I laugh.

After filling up both glasses, I start to look through the pantry to see if there is anything to eat.

“Sal, you have some mail,” Ella says as I turn to her.

“What?”

She waves an envelope.

I reach out, taking it from her as I wrack my brain, thinking what it could be. I shouldn’t be getting anything from Grace Hill University. Where was the envelope sent from?

Alliance.

I tear the letter open without hesitation. Why the fuck am I getting mail from my hometown? Actually, fuck that. Alliance is my birth town. Darien is my hometown. The Reeds are my family, and nothing will change that.

Dear Miss Reed, we regret to inform you of the passing of your birth parents, Damian and Christina Gordon.

The dream is turning into a nightmare.