Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
Sally
Alliance, Michigan—the worst place on earth.
That might be an exaggeration, but for my existence, this place holds nothing but bad memories. Ella is the one currently driving the car. I drove most of the way, but at our last stop, Ella asked for the keys and gave me a sympathetic look. I knew what she was doing without even exchanging words.
Ella knew I might panic when we entered the city, and she was right. The minute I saw the ‘Welcome to Alliance’ sign, my breathing labored.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
It’s okay, Sally. You will only be here for a few days.
You’ll see the house, decide to demolish it, and then figure out what to do with the land later. Richie is in real estate. Maybe he’ll know what to do once we get back.
The thought doesn’t stop my breathing from getting heavier as we continue into the city. I have to keep my eyes anywhere but the surrounding city. Every building I look at feels like a punch in the gut.
I hate this city.
“Sal,” Ella calls back to me as I keep my eyes on my pale pink Converses. “Sally, you look like you’re going to throw up. Do we need to pull over?”
I finally look up to see Mimi looking back at me.
It is rare to get her to put a book down, which means I must look like I’m dying.
I might be dying. My heart pounds out of my chest, and everything feels like I’m in a daze.
My eyes aren’t focusing on anything in particular.
Leon’s hand finds its way onto my back. The presence is nice but not enough to quell the storm wanting to breach my body.
“There’s a gas station over there!” Mimi calls out as Ella pulls slowly into the parking lot.
I run out of the door and into the gas station without thinking. I don’t have time to worry about the people staring as I hurry to the restroom.
The women’s restroom is cold, from the cheap tile floor to the gray-blue paint chipping off the walls.
I only have time to notice the cold air and walls before I am dry heaving into the toilet. That’s right, I didn’t eat breakfast because I was nervous, and now my stomach is mad.
Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. It is probably Ella or Mimi coming to check in. Leon wouldn’t be knocking to come into the women’s restroom. He’s very adamant about staying out of girl things.
The voice that comes next makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand like pins and needles.
“Hey, girlie, are you okay?” I don’t recognize the voice.
Feminine with a playful drawl. It’s not light like Mimi’s or hearty like Ella’s.
Much more feminine than my raspy voice from years of keeping testosterone away from my vocal cords.
The heaving is done, but now my mind is spiraling as I stare into the mirror. I didn’t pay attention to who was in the gas station.
The fluorescent light doesn't help much, but my eyes rake over every feature of my body.
My long-sleeve crop top, pastel-purple skirt, and a white lace choker.
My makeup is still in shape. I decided to wear a full face during the trip, which was criticized by my sisters—mostly Ella, who said, “Travel makeup is no makeup.” Mimi was less vocal, but she likes more natural makeup while I went with a full beat of dark-pink lipstick and glitter eyeshadow.
Another knock comes. “Hey, are you alive in there?”
I open the door slowly, revealing a girl two inches shorter than me with long, dark hair and tan skin. She’s wearing a yellow crop top and dark-wash denim shorts. She’s rocking the surfer-girl look.
Ella stares at the back of her head warily.
“Good!” she cheers, looking at me with a smile. “I thought for a second I’d have to call someone. Are you okay?”
My voice comes out just above a whisper. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
She nods and then turns to my sisters. “You guys aren’t from around here, are you?”
Just like that, my fear quells. If she knows I’m trans, she’s not saying anything.
“No,” Ella answers. “We’re just here on a brief trip.”
“Oh, I love taking road trips with my friends. I need to get the boys and Piper to come out more often.” She chuckles.
“My family likes to travel when we can,” I say, but this causes the girl to turn to me with confusion in her eyes.
Oh.
She definitely doesn’t think Mimi and Ella are my sisters.
“Sisters.” I point between my sisters and myself.
She looks at us a few more times and opens her mouth. She wants to ask, but the next thing she says catches me off guard. “If you guys are new, you should come to the cove fire tonight.”
I step out of the bathroom as Leon pops into the conversation.
“What’s that?”
The girl gives me another look, so I say, “Brother.”
“It’s a little Friday tradition for tourists and townies to get together on the cove between Sandalwood Beach and Rixon Shore. We make a big bonfire in the middle, and there are kegs for people just to have fun.”
Her attention shifts back to me, wanting an answer, and I recoil, like the longer she looks at me, the sooner she’ll truly see me, and I’ll have to explain my whole existence to a complete stranger.
I shouldn’t have to, and Ella reminds me every day I don’t owe anyone anything, but it’s in my nature to make myself smaller for other people to understand.
“We’re tired from the drive, so maybe next Friday,” Ella answers for me, which causes the girl to frown, but a second later, she smiles.
“I’ll hold you to it. I love introducing newbies to the fun parts of Alliance.
” A ping noise comes from her denim pocket.
She takes out her phone before her eyes widen slightly.
“I actually gotta run. I’m Casey, by the way.
Casey Gutierrez.” She doesn’t stop walking backward toward the exit while speaking, but she stops at the door.
“By the way, your eyeshadow is really pretty!”
And like that, she is gone…and without even getting our names.
Thirty minutes later—and no panic attacks—we arrive at my childhood home. Scratch that; I might have another attack right now because looking at this house is making me dizzy.
Everything looks the same, just a little older. More cracks in the wood, the door’s white paint is starting to chip, and a little ‘Welcome Home’ rug covered in leaves lays on the porch.
Suddenly, a hand takes mine into it, and I fight the urge to pull away. My eyes snap to see Leon giving me a small smile. “You ready, sis?”
“No, but I can’t stand here all day.”
“You can stand here as long as you want.”
I shake my head and walk with Leon’s hand still holding onto me. I start to dig into my purse, pulling out a bronze key and unlocking the door. With a creak, the door opens, and my mind floods with memories.
I flick on the lights. The day before we left, I got in contact with the power and water company here in Alliance, telling them I was a friend of the family and cleaning up the Gordons’ effects.
I doubt they really cared that much. The lady on the line just said, ‘Of course,’ and hung up.
The living room still has a loveseat and two small folding trays.
A small TV stands on another folding tray.
They didn’t make much money, but they did what they could to live.
Of course, I wasn’t a part of that plan.
Mimi walks over to the kitchenette and swipes her finger across the counter. She looks at it with a grimace before showing the rest of us the thin layer of dust that has collected in the last two months since my parents’ deaths.
Most of the house looks untouched. The front door was locked, but each room still felt like it was expecting its owners to return.
I guess I’ve returned.
“I can’t believe I’m sleeping on the couch,” Leon complains with a frown.
“Suck it up, dude,” Ella answers, taking her and Mimi’s bags into my parents’ room. “Plus, you would hate rooming with Mimi.”
“Hey,” Mimi calls from the kitchen, “I’m not that bad. I’m just gonna be reading and writing during this trip.”
Ella enters the living room a minute later, giving Mimi her biggest I don’t believe you look. “Knowing you, you’re gonna start talking to me about the characters in those books and all the smut that happens in them. I don’t need to know about all your kinks, Mia.”
This causes Mimi’s cheeks to heat up. You can practically see the steam coming from her ears to release the excess embarrassment.
“I don’t read that much!” Mimi denies, shielding her face from the rest of us. “Not smut, at least.”
“I’ve seen your Kindle library, Mimi.” This causes even more embarrassment to fume around Mia’s face.
A giggle bubbles out of my mouth as all three of my siblings stop their conversation and look at me, forgetting whatever they were talking about and just smiling.
“What?” I ask with another giggle.
“That’s just the first smile you’ve had since we got here.” Ella offers another tight smile, waiting to see how I respond. When I don’t say anything, she asks, “Do you want to check out your old room?”
“Do you need any help?” This question comes from Leon, pointing to the bags at my side.
I shake my head. “No, I should do this alone, but I’ll let you know.”
My room was down the hall, directly opposite to my parents. My birth parents wanted me as far away from them as possible. Maybe it’s pessimistic of me, but I didn’t want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I open the door to my room. My eyes widen at the untouched nature of it.
Dust still clings to every surface, but from what I can tell from my memory, everything looks the same as the day I left.
There’s a twin-size bed with dark blue sheets, and a little basketball hoop nailed above—my bio dad’s failed attempt to make me his son.
My eyes glide over a shelf until they land on a picture frame with the only family photo that the Gordon family ever took.
I was still pretty young, so my blond hair was short.
Even if I wanted to grow it longer, Dad wouldn’t let that idea live for very long.
I was clad in some button-down and vest, Mom had her favorite blue summer dress with fake pearls, and Dad was in his two-piece navy suit.
Fake smiles all around. But looking at my innocent smile pinches my throat as bile forms.
I quickly turn the photo around and ditch my bag in the room. Sally, you are only staying for a week or two. That, however, does not stop me from turning every single photo around in the house.
The next few hours are spent cleaning the house so we won’t be living the next two weeks covered in dust.
“Can we be done cleaning?” Leon throws himself onto the couch, huffing out an exaggerated breath.
I laugh, walking over to the arm of the couch and sitting down.
“Sal?”
“Mm?”
“Are we gonna go to that bonfire thing? It sounded like fun, and I think we deserve some fun after cleaning.” He starts to give me his puppy eyes.
Like always, I look him dead in the face, ready to tell him no because those eyes no longer have an effect on me. They may work on the boys, but not a sister who has had years of practice defending herself from him.
He can tell what I’m about to say. “I just think it would be nice to get your mind off of everything—even if it’s just a night.”
“You just want to party,” I accuse him.
He doesn’t deny it, a grin spreading across his face. “True, but I really think it would be helpful.”
Soon, Ella and Mimi join us, but I notice something in Ella’s hand. Mimi seems to be looking between the both of us with cautious eyes like something might break if we move.
“What’s going on?” I ask, breaking the silence.
Ella takes a deep breath before holding out an envelope. “We found this in your bio parents’ room on the desk. It’s addressed to you.”
My body shoots up, and I look from my sister to her hand with wide eyes. I take the envelope, spotting my dead name drawn out in cursive. I tear it open and unfold the letter inside.
Dear Simon Sally,
My dead name is crossed out. They never loved me, yet they are using my preferred name. They knew I transitioned? How would they know that? Blood runs to my head as I continue to read the letter.
Today is the day you’d turn 16. Your Moms, wow, I can’t believe they started letting queer couples take in kids.
Ten years ago, that would have never happened.
They actually sent us an update. You’re our daughter.
Your father didn’t want to read it. I think the shame has been eating him up for years.
We weren’t ready to be parents. I’m not even sure we were ready to be married, but that’s what happens when you get pregnant, and that’s what sparks the marriage proposal.
Your father doesn’t even know I’m writing all these letters, and I don’t think anyone but me will read them.
I love you, Sally.
Love, Mom
Letters?
She wrote more?
“Did you find any more of these?” I release the question at a quick pace. Quicker than any of them can answer me.
“That was the only one we saw,” Mimi answers for Ella.
I don’t even let them finish before I push past and walk into my parents’ room. I look at the desk and start tearing open each drawer, finding nothing but useless papers. No more letters.
She said she’s been writing them every year, which means there are at least two or three letters, but where are they?
My body is hot from my mind racing with every possible scenario.
The house was left in my preferred name, not my dead name.
Now we have a letter from two years ago where she corrects herself.
“Sally.”
I ignore whatever voice is calling out to me as I run into the bathroom. Maybe she hid them because Damian didn’t know she was writing them.
Nowhere.
If there’s more, they aren’t here.
I have to find them.
“Sally.” A hand reaches for my arm, pulling me into a hug. A few seconds later, Ella’s hand is wiping away tears.
I’m crying?
“Are you okay?” I nod, and we leave the room, rejoining Mimi and Leon in the living room. “Do you need water? You said they started the pumps up again, right?”
Again, I just nod while Ella takes one of the cups we brought with us to the sink and fills it with tap water. She hands the cup to me, and I hesitantly take a drink. I need water, but this water is gross. We might need to buy a Brita pitcher to help our conscience while drinking this stuff.
“Should we call it a night?” Mimi asks.
“No,” I answer faster than they expect. “Let’s go to the bonfire. I need a drink.”
Ella and Mimi exchange a quick look. If they want to object, they don’t voice it.