CHAPTER NINE
WILLOW
Pink balloons. Pink streamers. Pink cake. Pink cupcakes. Pink is everywhere. Which makes sense, since Celeste and Jase found out they’re having twin girls. I’ve just never seen so much freaking pink in one place before.
I watch Celeste laugh at something one of her friends is saying.
She throws her head back, so carefree and happy.
She looks adorable, dressed in her designer pink and black dress, with her baby bump popping out.
Jase is standing next to her, with his arms around her—one of his hands rubbing the bump.
I swallow a bitter tasting lump in my throat.
I’m happy for them, but it’s still a hard reality to swallow that I’ll never be pregnant.
I’ll never have my own baby to love. I’ve accepted my decision to never have kids, but it doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally feel sad or envious of others.
“I got you a cupcake,” Jax says, sitting next to me on the couch.
I jump slightly, lost in my own world, and he gives me a curious look.
“You okay?” he asks, his tone laced with worry.
Not pity, though, which is one of the reasons I love being with Jax.
It’s been four months since we’ve been together and not once has he ever looked at me with pity over my situation.
“Yeah,” I tell him, taking the pink cupcake from him and giving him a fake smile.
He can see right through me though, and he frowns. One thing I’ve learned about Jax is he doesn’t like to see me upset, ever. When I don’t give him anything more, choosing to focus on my cupcake instead, he doesn’t say a word.
We spend the next hour talking to everyone we know. Quinn and her husband, Rick, show up late, and when he tells her they need to get going, Jax and I decide to leave as well. We say our goodbyes to the happy couple and then walk outside with Quinn and Rick.
“How’s the photography business going?” I ask Quinn as we walk down the sidewalk to their vehicle. She started a photography company a few years back and has been working hard at building it up.
Quinn glances back at Rick then says, “I’ve actually decided to put that on hold.”
“What? Why?” Jax asks.
“Well, with Rick and I trying to have a baby, we felt it would be best if I stay home.”
“We felt or he felt?” Jax accuses, glaring daggers at Rick, whose jaw tightens in anger. “You know you can have a family and work.” He points towards the house. “Look at Celeste and Jase. They’re doing it.”
“What my wife and I decide is between us,” Rick says, taking Quinn’s hand in his. “We need to go.”
Quinn opens her mouth to argue but then closes it. “Bye,” she says softly.
“She’s changed,” I tell Jax, remembering how lively Quinn used to be. In the past, we’d been out a couple times together and she was the life of the party. Laughing and drinking and having a good time. Now, it’s as if she’s a scared turtle hiding inside her shell.
“Yeah,” he agrees. “I just don’t know what to do about it.”
Taking my hand in his, we walk down the street to the subway station to go home. Jax is quiet the entire ride home, and once we’re inside, he remains quiet.
“What’s going on?” I ask him, climbing onto his lap and straddling his thighs.
His eyes meet mine and he frowns, almost as if he’s warring with himself as to whether he should tell me what’s on his mind.
“Talk to me,” I insist. Jax has quickly become my go-to person and I would like to think he feels the same way. He’s not just the guy I’m sleeping with. He’s my best friend. The person I wake up with every morning and go to bed with at night. He’s become a part of me.
“You could have what Celeste and Jase have,” he says softly. It takes a couple times of repeating his words in my head to properly string them together. And when I do, I try to back up. But Jax wraps his arms around me and holds me close to him.
“Just hear me out,” he says, but I’m already shaking my head. “Please,” he begs.
“Jax…” I begin, but I’m stunned into silence when he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a diamond ring.
“I love you, Willow,” he says, his eyes locked with mine. “We could get married and adopt a couple of kids. I make enough money. We could have a house full of kids if that’s what you wanted.”
A golf ball-sized lump blocks my airpipe. I can’t talk or swallow or even breathe. I told him what I wanted, and he said okay. So, why is he doing this now?
I scamper off his lap and stand, crossing my arms over my chest and willing myself not to cry. “I told you I didn’t want to get married or have kids. You know this. Why are you doing this? You’re ruining everything.”
Jax leans forward, and gripping me by my hips, pulls me back into his lap. “Willow, I know what you said, but I saw the look in your eyes today. You can’t tell me deep down you don’t want that. The marriage, the kids, the family.”
“Is that what you want?” I ask.
“I want whatever you want.” He takes my face in his hands and kisses me softly before he pulls back. “This ring isn’t a proposal.”
When I give him a confused look, he continues, “I’m okay with what we have. I’m more than okay with it. I love you and I love our life together. But I need you to know that if you ever change your mind, if you ever want more, I want to be the one to give that to you.”
He takes my hand in his and opens it up, so my palm is facing up. Then, he places the ring in the center. “I bought this ring because I want you to know I love our todays, but I also want your tomorrows. If you never decide to put it on, that’s okay. I’ll still be here. Always.”
He pulls a chain out of the box and loops the ring through the chain. Then he puts it around my neck and links it together. He leans forward and kisses the ring, which is resting against my chest. “I love you, Willow.”
Tears burn my eyelids and then fall down my cheeks.
Jax uses his thumbs to wipe them up before he kisses me again.
The kiss is intense, as if he’s trying to convey through his lips and tongue how much he loves me.
And I let him. I get lost in our kiss until our lips are numb and our bodies are entangled in one another.
We shed our clothes until we’re both naked and then Jax makes love to me, whispering how much he loves me and needs me.
And it hits me that somewhere along the way I stopped living for today and started looking forward to tomorrow.
And with that thought, I want to run, because looking forward to tomorrow is scary. It means I’m feeling. Letting someone in. It means I’m setting myself and him up for heartbreak when something goes wrong.
As if he can feel me drifting, Jax pushes himself into me deeper, and his lips finds my ear. “You’re not going anywhere, Willow. You’re going to stay right here with me and live for today.”
“Jax,” I whimper, finding my release.
He grunts out his own release then stills. “No, baby. If we never get married, that’s okay. I just need you to know that whatever you want, I will make sure you have it. Always.”
He rolls off me and pulls me into his arms, my back against his chest. His scruffy face nuzzles into my neck, and when his breathing evens out, I know he’s asleep.
I consider leaving. Running. And I should. He might not have officially proposed, but it’s still a proposal. There’s a ring hanging from my neck with the promise of tomorrow.
But instead of running, I snuggle back into Jax and close my eyes, needing him to hold me while I figure out what to do next.