Chapter 14
After breakfast, we hit the grocery store, and Sue fills an entire cart with supplies.
She buys so much that we run out of room unpacking, so we fill up the table with the rest. She has an extensive list of items she wants to bake for me, which is so sweet of her.
I help her organize and plan all morning until we break for lunch.
I take the bus to the care facility to spend the afternoon with Jake.
Sue offered to drive me, but the kitchen was crazy messy, so I declined.
I spend a lot of time crying while I lie beside him, but I tell him everything I read about Charleston.
Then, I take a nap wrapped around him. Mal brings me a snack, and I watch a movie she puts on for us while listening to his heartbeat beneath my ear and breathing in his smell.
I’m trying to focus on just the here and now and not let my mind wander. Spending this time with Jake triggers me to text his dad with my new number and the move to South Carolina.
I keep reminding myself it’s not really goodbye, but the tears trickle down anyway. With a hug and a kiss, I promise to video call him on Friday. I’m a wet, snotty mess when I arrive at the desk, blowing my nose. Mal is sitting behind the counter, and when she sees me, she begins to cry too.
“Oh, Sugar, I’m gonna miss you something fierce.” Mal grabs her own tissue to dab her eyes.
“You make sure you use that phone and call or text me as often as you can now, ya hear?”
“I will, Mal, I promise,” I choke out, trying to keep it together a little longer, until I’m home.
“Okay, now you get out of here before I blubber like a fool. I charged your phone, and it’s in my pocket now.”
I wave goodbye as Zander and I head outside. My plan to be strong dissolves the moment the door closes behind us. As I collapse against the wall, sobs tear from my body as if a gaping wound is opening up. This is too much for me to handle. My lifeline is going to be states away.
“Oh darling. What can I do? Can I hug you, please?” Zander asks.
I can’t answer him. I’m trying to breathe through the panic and sobs as I lose focus on my surroundings. Zander slides down the wall to sit beside me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Summer,” he keeps repeating.
Time and place become meaningless as I try to stitch up the gaping hole inside me.
Jake was my tether to reality after the accident.
If it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I would've survived.
Despite the coma, he was alive and real.
Something to grasp onto amid the colorless darkness that was my life.
I don’t know how long we sit there on the cold ground before I can take a full breath. Shapes and sounds begin filtering into my senses again. My eyes are still unfocused, but there’s a murmur of voices and arms are around me, but I’m not flinching for some reason.
“Summer, are you back?” That’s Zander. I look up, blinking, to see it’s his arms around me and he has tears in his eyes.
“Yeah,” I croak.
“Summer, it’s Sarah. Take some deep breaths for me. In for three and out for three.”
“Sarah?” I question. Looking around, I see what I assume is Zander’s phone on his thigh.
“Yes Summer. Zander called me. Now breathe, please.”
I breathe deeply in and out for several minutes, which helps me rejoin reality more and more.
“Good Summer. How are you feeling now?”
“A little better.”
“Okay good. Can you walk to the car?”
I attempt to move, but Zander is still holding me, so I raise my eyes to meet his.
“Sorry,” he says and helps me stand. We head to the SUV, and Zander opens the door for me, holding my elbow to help me take a seat, before hurrying to the driver’s side.
He hands me his phone as he pulls out of the parking lot, and I see Sarah still on the screen. “Hi Sarah.”
“Hi Summer. Was that your last visit with Jake?”
I nod. “I thought I was fine, but when I walked out of the building…I don’t know, I just broke.” Jake is alone now. Will he notice if I’m not there, lying beside him or holding his hand?
“What you’re going through is very difficult, Summer. It’s okay to break sometimes. We all do. Your ability to come out on the other side is what matters. Remember to be kind to yourself. You will get through this like you’ve gotten through everything else. One moment at a time.”
We talk for a few more minutes, Sarah reminding me to call her whenever I need to.
I set Zander’s phone in the centre console after hanging up, and look over at him, but he’s staring straight ahead.
Did I freak him out? Is he upset that I broke down?
What is he thinking right now? I start to fidget in my seat, worrying as I bite my lower lip. Should I say something? What do I say?
“Sorry,” we say at the same time. He smiles sadly at me. “I’m sorry, Summer.”
I look at him in confusion. “Why are you sorry? I’m the one who broke down.”
“Yes, but I’m the reason you’re moving. I was so excited to find you and move you home that I didn’t comprehend how truly hard this is for you. Moreover, I touched you without consent and phoned Sarah. I don’t want to break your trust, Summer.”
“You didn’t break my trust, and I blame CPS for making me move.
I’m glad you called Sarah. Sue's called her several times on my behalf. At some point, you may need to do it again. You did the right thing there. As for the touching, I would have said no if I was coherent, but I wasn’t and you didn’t make me flinch.
Not sure why I didn’t react, but that’s probably a good thing. ”
“So I didn’t irrevocably screw things up?” He asks with hope in his voice, looking over at me with glassy eyes.
“No, you didn’t. I should say sorry for my breakdown.” That must’ve been scary for him to witness. Sarah and Sue are used to me by now, but this is all so new for Zander.
“Absolutely not, Summer. Never apologize for something like that.” He’s resolute in his response. That’s a good sign. I still feel the need to apologize for my responses after more than a year, despite both Sue and Sarah telling me it’s unnecessary.
As we pull into the driveway, Sue comes outside and rushes over to open my door. “Oh, sweetheart, are you alright?”
“I’m okay now, Sue. Did Sarah call you?”
“Yes, she did. She also said you had a breakthrough.”
“What?” I ask, confounded, stepping down to the driveway and closing the door.
She nods to Zander. “He hugged you, and you were okay.”
I gaze over at Zander, who has also gotten out, smiling gently at me. “Yeah, he did.”
“You’re in excellent hands now, Summer. I’ll leave you to it. Please call me tomorrow if you need anything,” Zander says.
“I will. Thank you for everything.” He nods and gets back into the SUV, waving goodbye at the end of the driveway.
“Come on, sweetheart, let’s get in from the cold,” Sue says. She makes us a nice dinner, and we relax for the rest of the evening.