8. Dom
Chapter eight
Dom
L uca tears into the homemade birthday cake, smothering himself in bright green frosting as cake crumbles and sprinkles get caught in his rolls. Ellie kneels in front of his high chair, calling his name and singing for his attention as she captures several pictures and video clips.
We finally made it to Luca’s birthday. Our families and our closest friends in our home to celebrate as we planned. Well, as Ellie asked me to plan.
I kept things simple. Just a handful of loved ones invited to our place for pizza, a homemade cake, baked by yours truly, and simple birthday decorations.
Over-the-top, celebratory fanfare is usually my specialty, but I wanted to be prepared for a last-minute plea from Ellie to cancel everything. If I planned anything too elaborate, the fallout and inevitable guilt Ellie might have felt would have been worse.
I checked in with her every day this week and several times already today, but she’s doing…incredible. Better than I could have imagined. I’ve been hesitant to trust it.
Experience has taught me that my wife has the ability to hide her anxiety…until she doesn’t. I’ve never minded, but I have learned. Sometimes Ellie needs me to reassure her of something she knows to be true. To dispel any doubt she has and reassure her she’s doing the right thing and that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes she needs me to help quiet the voice in her head telling her the worst is going to happen. I’ve never resented her for it. What I struggle with is when she buries it, hides it from me, and when she finally lets me in, it’s too late to cushion her fall.
“How has she been today?” Ellie’s mom, Carolyn, asks as she steps beside me.
Ellie’s family feels as much mine as hers. I met them shortly after we started dating, and asked her father and mother for permission to marry their daughter the day we met. I knew where our relationship was going, and how I wanted things to end between us, which was not at all.
“She’s…okay?” I say, unable to hide the surprise and disbelief from my voice.
“Yeah, I thought the same. Felt the same way about it as you do, it seems. I wanted to check in with you in case she was putting on a brave face for me.”
Guilt creeps up my spine. Carolyn assumes I’d know better than her. Truth is, Ellie can slip on the mask easily most days, fooling even me. But holding that mask wears on her. I can see how draining it is when the crash inevitably comes, always lurking not far in the future.
“This month has been hard, but she’s been trying. There are moments when it seems like it comes easily, then others when…”
“I know,” she says, resting her hand on my shoulder. “We’re always here if you guys need us. I know how hard she is on herself, but then I watch her with Luca, and she’s doing such a wonderful job. I wish she could see that,” she says, her eyes brimming with tears.
“I promise, I’ll call. I’m grateful to you and Gary for your help. We both are.”
“Did I hear my name?” Ellie’s father, Gary, joins us, a small plate with a slice of cake in one hand, the other coming to rest on his wife’s waist as he pulls her into his side.
“Just reminding Dom that he can call us anytime. What? No cake for me?” she says with a sly smile while her husband smirks and feeds her a forkful from his own piece .
I look around the room and I’m reminded of how much support Ellie and I have. Everyone we love in one space, spoiling Luca, and showing up for us in more ways than that this past year.
I never understood why people said it takes a village. It’s abundantly clear to me now. There’s no way Ellie and I could do any of this on our own.
I watch Ellie, a stupid grin on my face, as she and Dee dance and sing to Luca, who giggles and waves his frosting-covered hands around, doing his own dance as much as he can in the confines of his high chair. Chris reaches over the crowd, handing Ellie a few damp towels to help with the cleanup. Yeah, it’s going to take a lot more than those towels. I might as well get the bath running. Carissa is cutting the sheet cake while Jake and Dylan hand out slices to the rest of our friends and family. My parents are talking with Bec and Abby in the kitchen, most likely about the dog they keep saying they’re going to get “one of these days.”
Today is perfect.
Another moment in time I wish I could hold onto forever, but forever slips through my fingers again.
***
I peer into the darkness, willing my eyes to turn superhuman and give me sight into Luca’s bedroom. After a minute, my eyes adjust to the low lighting, the soft glow from the sound machine in the corner of his room.
Ellie’s still holding him in the rocker. I tiptoe closer, kneeling beside them, and see that Luca is well and truly passed out, lying limp on Ellie’s chest, lips slightly parted, as she rubs his back and holds him close.
I don’t speak, too afraid of waking him. It’s difficult to see, but I can feel Ellie’s stare. That innate knowing after spending years with someone. Knowing them inside and out, going through…all that we went through together.
There’s so much left unsaid between us. Some of it because we’re busy, moving from one task to the next, stuck in survival mode, but mostly because we don’t have the words.
Words can’t undo what happened .
Words can’t fix whatever is breaking between us.
I lift my hand and place it on top of hers, where it’s resting against the small of Luca’s back. She continues to rock and hold our entire world in her arms.
The longer we stay like that, the better my eyes adjust, seeing her clearer than I have all night. I was naive to think the day had passed for her with ease. When her mask falls, the strong facade she displays for all to see melts away. She’s sitting here, gorgeous, her blonde hair falling around her shoulders in loose waves, her soft curves gorgeously on display in a black nightgown with thin straps and shelf cutouts to make nursing easier. Tears glisten in her eyes and on her cheeks.
Luca stirs for a moment and lets out a deep sigh. After making sure he’s still asleep, my eyes return to Ellie’s to find her still watching me, deep in thought.
At this exact moment a year ago, we were recovering from the most terrifying moment of our lives. Not in too dissimilar of a position than this. Thankfully, the three of us came home.
What does it take to heal from something like that?
I need to figure it out before this breaks us entirely.