12. Ellie
Chapter twelve
Ellie
“ W hat did you do to my brother?” Jake asks, appalled as he stares at Dom dancing at the end of the hallway before dashing back into the living room out of sight.
“You think I planned this?” I ask incredulously. “You know us both better than that. Get it together.”
If anyone had to convince anyone to dress up like an ogre for Halloween, it was absolutely not me convincing Dom. I hold the door open as Jake and Chris step inside, then give them one-armed hugs, my other arm full of a wriggly Donkey, a.k.a. Luca, before they follow me into the living room.
Dom hugs them hello, his ogre ears practically poking them in the eye, much to Jake’s horror. Dom and I are both covered in green body paint. When Luca first saw us in costume, he shrieked with joy. Could have gone the other way just as easily, so I’m relieved he’s excited and not terrified. He was happy to hop into his furry donkey onesie and complete our trio.
Carissa, Dee, and Abby dressed as Charlie’s Angels. Bec and Aiden dressed as Princess Leia and Hans Solo. They completed their ensemble with a rambunctious Hopper, dressed as Chewy, who’s strolling around the room excitedly stealing pets anywhere he can find them and hoovering up crumbs from snacks Luca’s thrown around, abandoned to the forgotten corners of our floors. Dylan is dressed like Bob Ross, with his own paint palate, while Chris and Jake are dressed in full Aviators gear. Aiden laughs when he sees them.
“Hey, this is what you get for spoiling us with merch. We were set up with a free Halloween costume,” Jake says.
“Plus, this might be my only opportunity to put Jake in baseball pants. Yummy,” Chris adds.
“I second that yum.” Dee smirks, slapping both Chris and Jake on the ass as she walks by.
“This is why you’re my favorite,” Jake says with a laugh.
“Okay, are we doing this or what?” Dylan asks.
“You can’t be fucking serious. I thought that was a joke.”
“What part of trick-or-treating is a joke to you, Deanna?” Dylan asks.
“The part where five grown men take a one-year-old who can’t eat candy trick-or-treating. You know you’re not actually supposed to steal candy from a baby, right?” Dee asks.
“It’s not stealing,” Dylan says defensively.
Dom wraps his arms around my waist, closing the space between us as he steps behind me. “You sure you don’t want to come with?” he whispers in my ear.
“Nah, you guys knock yourselves out.” Dom and I already hit a few houses with Luca before everyone arrived so we could both enjoy the memory of his first trick-or-treating, even if he is too young for it. Last year, we kept him home since he was only a month old at the time. “Show Luca how it’s done. Bring home some sugar, Daddy.”
He stills, turns my jaw to look at him, and I smirk.
What? We’re not having sex, but a girl can still flirt with her husband, right? He looks me up and down.
“My ogre bod is doing it for you, isn’t it?”
I snort a laugh. “Yeah, Dom. Had to be that. Save it for…you know…” I’m suddenly shy and embarrassed. “Later,” I mu mble.
The smile I get in return is genuine. Not a hint of resentment. “Oh, I will.” His eyes dip to my green cleavage and back up.
“Okay, this is officially weird,” Bec says, staring at us.
“Says the girl who asked for a taste of my lightsaber before we left the apartment,” Aiden says.
“We need better boundaries,” Carissa says with a sigh.
“No way. This is way entertaining.” Abby laughs, unwrapping a KitKat from the candy bowl and propping her feet up on the coffee table.
The lamp in our living room flickers for several seconds and catches Luca’s attention. It’s been doing that for a few weeks and I keep forgetting to change the bulb.
Luca points, laughing at the light show, and then claps.
“What is he pointing at?” Dylan asks. The light flickers again and Dylan straightens. “Seriously, what’s going on?”
Dom gives me a confused look, which I return.
“Uh, you mean the light? We need to replace the bulb. Dylan, why the fuck are you backing up?” Dom asks.
“I don’t know, man. You got a lamp flickering on Halloween, and your son is laughing at it? Can’t babies see into the aether and shit? What if Luca is seeing things we can’t?”
The room falls quiet, everyone looking at Dylan to see if he’s serious.
The lamp flickers and Luca laughs and points again, eyes fixated on the lamp.
“Dude, seriously, what’s wrong with that lamp?” Dylan asks, before trying to shove a hand through his hair in frustration. He must have forgotten about the Bob Ross wig.
“Dylan, are you kidding me right now?” Chris asks. “Are you seriously spooked?”
It flickers again and Luca laughs and starts crawling toward it.
“No way, Luca. I’ve seen this movie. We’re getting the fuck outta here.” He scoops Luca up and turns to the door. “Let’s go, boys. I’m sure the ladies can handle the ghost on their own since Dee’s so brave.”
“Buh-bye!” Dee shouts after them. “Look both ways before crossing the street, Dylan! Don’t forget to hold Aiden’s hand!”
The girls and I settle into the front room, just off the entryway of our home, with a few themed drinks—I couldn’t help myself when I found the recipe online—and an obscene amount of Halloween candy. We take turns greeting the trick-or-treaters making their rounds through the neighborhood.
“Dee, why are you giving all the kids different amounts of candy? Are you using a scoring system or something?” Bec asks, eyeing Dee skeptically when she makes her way back to her chair after doling out the last few handfuls of candy.
“Of course. Aren’t you?” Dee says with a shake of her head and shrug of her shoulders.
Bec laughs. “No, I’m just giving the kids candy.”
“What’s the criteria?” Carissa asks.
“Easy. Five-point system. Creativity. Execution. Enthusiasm. Etiquette. Trailblazer,” Dee explains, ticking off the list on her fingers.
My brows hit my hairline. “You’ve given this a lot of thought,” I say with a smile.
“Listen, candy isn’t cheap anymore. If you want your five pieces when I’m on duty, you’re going to need to deliver on all five.”
“Okay, how many pieces of candy would we get?” Abby asks.
“Us? We’re all tens, of course. A five-point system could never do us justice,” Dee replies confidently, kicking her feet up on the coffee table and opening up some nerds before dumping the entire miniature box into her mouth.
“Luca was so happy in his costume. How have you three been lately?” Carissa asks. I don’t miss the look in her eyes. The one that says she’s hoping to get more than a surface-level answer from me.
Maybe it’s because I’m still feeling a little raw after Luca’s birthday last month, all that trauma rising to the surface, throwing my nervous system out of whack, but I choose to spill instead of keep it all in, at least for tonight.
“Things have been okay this last month. We made it through Luca’s birthday party, which was the big hurdle. I didn’t really want to talk about it at the time, but I was having some anxiety about the whole thing.”
Bec sits up, her eyebrows drawn together in concern. “I had no idea. You didn’t seem stressed at all.”
I circle the rim of my glass with my finger, needing to keep my hands busy. “Dom planned everything. I know that’s awful; I should have helped, but…flashbacks of what happened when Luca was born started up again and I couldn’t think about it more than my mind already forced me to in the worst ways.”
“It’s not awful that you didn’t plan the party,” Bec insists. “Dom loves that shit; you know he’s happy to do it.”
“Do you want to tell us about it?” Carissa asks softly. “What happened?” Her eyes meet mine. Compassion and empathy practically pouring out of her with just one look. I’ve never told them. Even Bec, who came running to the hospital when I called her, hysterical after the surgery was finished. I was still coming out from the haze of medication. She held me, then Dom, and then Luca like the sister she is to me. She held my little family and tried to piece us back together with just her love, support, and hugs alone. She didn’t force me to talk about it. I couldn’t. They’ve never pushed me to talk about it, but every so often they ask me if I want to share. I always say…
“Not today,” I whisper, forcing a half smile to my face.
“What about the party? Are you feeling better now that it’s done?” Abby asks.
“Surprisingly, the party was…great. When I woke up, I told myself to focus on Luca. To see the day through his eyes and not my memories. I held onto that idea all day. I think it helped.”
I may never be the same as I once was, but it’ll kill me if my mental health impacts Luca as he grows. I have no idea how to prevent what happened to us—how we started our lives together—from changing the way I parent.
My anxiety, my need to control everything, my need to hover. I can’t protect Luca from everything, but that doesn’t stop this gut feeling that I need to try. It’s slowly killing me.
Will he have anxiety like me because I inadvertently pass on all of my fear and worry to his sweet and carefree self ?
“Maybe getting past the first anniversary will help the anxiousness subside,” Dee suggests.
“Maybe.” I nod, wanting to believe her. But I know all it takes is one moment to send my brain right back to that moment, tossing my body into that impossible split-second reaction…fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.