14. Ellie
Chapter fourteen
Ellie
“ B aby’s heart rate is…”
Baby’s heart rate is what?
“Three, two, one, lift…”
FUCK. Pain, searing pain shoots from my pelvis, through my abdomen, and all I can do is scream.
“Ellie, I need you to breathe…”
I can’t…I can’t…I can’t breathe…
Someone pulls my arms roughly, pressing them hard against the table beneath me, but I resist, pulling and screaming, unable to focus on anything other than the excruciating pain and panic sweeping over me, crashing against every inch of my body and mind. The urgency in the voices around me doesn’t calm me, it has the opposite effect, and my fight response kicks in.
No one’s looking at me. No one’s talking to me. What the fuck is happening?
Help me…help us…please…
***
“Ellie…Ellie! Jesus Christ. Ellie, wake up ,” Dom pleads.
I slowly sink into reality, the blurred edges of my nightmare falling away like the autumn leaves of our willow tree out back. The memories of the hospital operating room recede into the dark recesses of my mind.
A sheen of sweat covers my body. The hum of the sound machine playing through Luca’s baby monitor isn’t loud enough to drown out the sound of my labored breathing. My heart pounds wildly, frantically in my chest—the aching, thrumming beat is powerful and the sensation only makes my panic worse, my entire body frozen. Our bedroom is dark, but a sliver of moonlight streams into our bedroom through a crack in the curtains. I see the outline of Dom’s face as he hovers over me. He’s pinned me to the bed, his thigh between my own and his body half covering mine. He’s gripping my biceps tightly, as if he’s trying to hold me together.
But my body isn’t falling apart this time.
Everything else is.
“Ellie, I’m right here. You are safe. We are safe,” his voice sounds just like it did that day as he parrots my mantra for the millionth time, trying to comfort my shattered sense of safety. A melody for a nightmare. Hearing that kind of terror in your loved one’s voice. Feeling how hard they’re trying to protect you, trying to comfort you, knowing they can’t do either.
He throws his chest over mine, his familiar scent grounding me. I breathe in through my nose, attempting to slow my breathing and keep myself enveloped in his scent. I try to imagine his arms can hide me from the poison in my mind. My breath stutters as I exhale and the tears hit me like a sudden storm finally breaking past the paralyzing panic. I choke out a sob, and Dom wraps me in his arms tighter, pressing his head into my neck. I weakly place my shaking hands on his lower back.
“Fuck, Ellie. I’m here,” I hear him say, voice unsteady. I can’t tell if the tears falling are his or mine anymore.
It feels like you’re getting better until you aren’t.
It feels like you’re making progress until you fall a thousand steps backward .
It feels like someday you’ll find yourself again, until you realize that person is gone and you’re not sure what’s left.