Chapter 20
Vera
2004
S ince she was a little girl, Vera had dreamed about being pregnant. She knew she wanted a large family with a house full of kids. When she met Isla and Mason, she was one step closer to that dream. Mason had been the brightest spot in Vera’s life. Along with Isla, they had helped Vera through all her fellowships and start of her first year as a fully certified doctor.
To say Vera loved her life was a complete understatement. She was insanely in love with Isla and had no clue her heart could live outside her body in Mason.
Of course, the fact she was ten weeks pregnant with Isla Mackenzie’s baby added to the extra pep in her step these days.
They had chosen to do reciprocal IVF so Vera could carry Isla’s egg. The honor wasn’t lost on Vera, who’d spent every day the last ten weeks being insanely grateful to be on this journey with Isla. She had been lucky so far to avoid most of the morning sickness that typically came along with the first few weeks of pregnancy.
And Vera could almost convince herself she had the slightest baby bump, even if Isla joked that she was seeing things. All Vera knew was that she couldn’t wait to experience everything pregnancy had to throw at her. Even if that meant hours on her feet all night delivering two babies before seeing her morning patients without a nap.
She blamed her lack of sleep on the fact her lower back was starting to bother her. Normally, Vera was a heavy sleeper, but the last few nights, her sleep had been less than restful. Granted, she’d also delivered four babies after midnight in the last week, too. Which was why she easily wrote off the pain as nothing to worry about.
Right?
The seed of doubt stayed with Vera as she ate her peanut butter and jelly sandwich alone in her office. She wasn’t hungry, but knew she needed to eat something for herself and the baby. There was still an afternoon of patients waiting to be seen and Vera had a mom at the hospital in labor. Vera knew there was no rest for the weary; even the pregnant ones.
Standing from her desk, Vera gasped at the sudden cramp in her abdomen. It was stronger than period cramps, and it caught her off guard. She put her hand where the pain was, wincing as she pressed lightly.
Something isn’t right.
As an OBGYN, Vera knew all too well the chances of something going wrong early in a pregnancy. She hadn’t yet reached the point in her pregnancy where she felt safe that a miscarriage was behind her. But there was no time for Vera to think about it. One of her nurses, Melanie rushed into her office, informing her that her patient in labor was ready to start pushing.
Leaving her half-eaten sandwich on the desk, Vera hurried back to the labor and delivery floor and found her patient’s room. Melanie helped her get into a gown as she sat on the rolling chair between the woman’s legs. A sharp pain coursed through her body as she felt an even stronger cramp than before. But this time, it was accompanied by a warm sensation between her legs.
Vera knew then.
She knew her carefully laid plans for having a baby with Isla were gone. Her heart started to break, but she had a job to do. If she was miscarrying, there was nothing she could do. And right now, her patient needed her.
It was over an hour of coaching the woman on how to push and helping her bring a new life into the world. Vera tried not to think about how she had just helped birth a baby while losing her own. She could barely get her gown off as her head started to spin and her vision blurred.
“Hey,” Melanie grabbed Vera’s elbow, steadying her, “are you okay?”
Words were lost to Vera. She had no idea how to communicate anything to Melanie. Shaking her head, Vera lowered her gaze. Her whole staff knew she was pregnant. They only just celebrated the announcement a few weeks ago. It was then Melanie must have noticed the blood staining Vera’s magenta scrubs.
“Oh.”
Vera could see the momentary panic wash over Melanie’s face before snapping into action.
“It’s okay. Come on.”
Leading Vera out of the patient’s room, Melanie ushered Vera into a nearby open room. She helped Vera sit on the couch, which caused her to wince in more pain. Vera grabbed onto Melanie’s arm and squeezed.
“Call Isla. Please.”
“I will.”
Melanie was one of the best nurses Vera had ever worked with. She worked quickly and efficiently to take Vera’s vitals and scribbled them down on the notepad she kept in her scrub pocket.
“Can I get Stacey?”
Stacey Jameson was another OBGYN at the hospital. She’d done her fellowship alongside Vera, and the two were casual friends. Dr. Jameson was also Vera’s personal doctor, which meant she already knew Vera was pregnant.
Or, well. Had been pregnant.
Vera nodded. “After you call Isla.”
She wasn’t sure what happened after that. It was almost an out-of-body experience where she was completely disassociated with her body. She heard Melanie call Isla. Felt Melanie carefully taking off her shoes and pants before helping her onto the bed. Heard Stacey say it was a miscarriage as she ran the ultrasound wand over Vera’s stomach.
But everything was hazy until the door swung open, and Isla rushed in.
“Vera,” she half sobbed, half sighed as she rushed to her bedside. She grabbed tightly onto Vera’s hand, and it was then she could see the tears streaming down Isla’s face. “I’m here, Vera. I’m here.”
“I miscarried.” It was all she could say. She watched her words hit Isla as she leaned down and pulled Vera into a hug.
“We’re going to get through this.”
Vera clung to those words and Isla’s hand as Stacey confirmed that Vera had lost the pregnancy. There was no need for any procedure, and Stacey cleared her to go home with strict orders to take the rest of the week off. Melanie brought Vera a clean pair of scrubs to change into before she helped Isla take her out to the Jeep.
The ride home was silent. They held hands as they always did while driving. But this time, Vera felt Isla holding on tighter.
Parking at the farmhouse, Vera gasped.
“What?”
“Mason,” she sobbed. “She doesn’t know.”
“I’ll tell her. If you want.”
“Is she home?”
“It's only two thirty, so she won’t be home for another hour at least.”
Vera nodded as Isla exited the Jeep and walked around to the passenger side. She helped Vera out and into the house.
“Couch or bed?”
“Couch.” Carefully, Vera let Isla help her sit on the couch. Isla kept her arm around her shoulder, and Vera snuggled into her embrace as tears began to fall for the first time since she had heard the news.
She’d had a miscarriage.
She had lost her baby. Their baby. Isla’s baby. The weight of the loss slammed into Vera like a freight train as her tears mixed with Isla’s.
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep our baby alive.”
Isla tightened her embrace. “Vera, no,” Isla said through sobs, “Don’t say that. You didn’t do anything. Do you hear me?”
Pausing, Isla lifted Vera’s chin so their eyes could meet.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I just wanted to keep our baby safe.”
“And you did, sweetie.” Isla wiped the tears from Vera’s face the best she could. “This was just all the time we were meant to have him.”
“I want to believe that.”
“And one day you will. But today, we don’t have to.”
Vera let Isla hold her as they both grieved the loss of a child they’d never meet. When the front door opened and Mason came in, Vera could tell by her face that she knew something was wrong.
But Vera couldn’t look at her. At thirteen, Mason had been so excited about being a big sister and Vera felt she’d let her down.
Isla stood and escorted Mason to the kitchen. She could hear them talking; hear Mason start to cry before she ran back into the living room.
“Mama,” Mason sobbed as she stopped a few feet away from Vera.
Vera could see the uncertainty in her eyes. She wanted Vera to hold her but wasn’t sure she should do that. But Vera needed that. Nodding, Vera held her arms out to Mason. Mason buried her face in Vera’s chest as she softly cried. Isla sat beside her, rubbing Mason’s back with one hand while the other was around Vera’s shoulders.
Time didn’t seem to matter as the three of them stayed there grieving together. Isla ordered a pizza, but they barely touched it. Mason helped Vera up the stairs as Isla fixed the bed for her. Without being asked, Mason grabbed Vera’s pajamas out of the top drawer. She helped her change, just like Vera had helped Mason get ready for bed many years ago.
“Thank you, Mace.”
“I love you, Mama.”
Kissing Isla and Vera good night, Mason left the bedroom. Vera crawled into bed as Isla got in behind her. Again, she held Vera tightly as she kissed her shoulder.
“I love you, Vera.”
“I love you, too, Isla.”
“We’re going to get through this like we do everything else.”
“Together,” Vera nodded against the pillow. She pushed her body closer to Isla’s, needing to be as close to her as she could get.
Deep down, Vera knew Isla was right. They would get through it. But the weight of the day was still heavy on Vera’s heart and mind.
“I don’t want to try again for a while,” she whispered, almost afraid to admit it out loud.
“We don’t have to, honey.” Isla kissed her shoulder again.
The door to the bedroom slowly creaked open as Mason peaked around the corner. She had changed into her pajamas and smiled sheepishly at Vera. Lifting the sheets, Vera let Mason climb into bed beside her. As she often did when she needed comforting, which wasn’t often, Mason cuddled right up against Vera and rested her head on her chest.
With her arms around Mason and Isla’s arms around her waist, Vera had never felt safer or more loved. She inhaled deeply, holding it for a moment as she tried not to cry. Because Isla was right. They were going to get through this.
Together.