Chapter 41
Isla
2020
O f all the Mackenzie traditions they’d started over the years, Isla’s favorite was wearing matching pajamas on Christmas morning. All the kids loved it, as did Isla and Vera. The kids always looked forward to waking up on Christmas morning with their new pajamas wrapped in a bow by their bed. They would all change and run downstairs in them as they celebrated the day together.
But as Isla stared down at three extra sets of pajamas this year, she began to worry she was overstepping.
She hadn’t talked to Blake or Alexis about their Christmas plans. Isla knew from years past that Alexis and Harper would spend Christmas Eve with Sophia, Emily, and their friends, but she didn’t know their Christmas Day plans yet. Vera had told her to ask weeks ago, but Isla never could get up the nerve, mostly because she didn’t want to be disappointed if they already had plans that didn’t include spending the day with them.
Isla picked up the pajama set she’d bought in Blake’s size and carefully tied a red ribbon around it. She’d spent over two decades hoping and praying that Blake would be back in their lives. And yet now that she was, Isla still felt like she was waiting for Blake to want to be involved in their lives.
Ever since she’d come to the Cove, Isla felt that Blake’s sole focus was Alexis. Not that Isla could blame her. She truly was happy that Alexis and Blake had found each other. But Isla would be lying if she told anyone that it didn’t bother her.
Because it did.
Much more than Isla let on.
And much more than she’d ever confess to Vera.
No matter how many times her wife asked her if she was okay.
Because Isla wasn’t okay.
Isla had spent twenty-five years imagining what it would be like to have Blake back in her life. She dreamed of spending time with Blake, getting to know her daughter, and loving her the way she did with all her other kids. When Blake showed up at the bar a few months ago, Isla truly believed all her dreams were finally coming true.
But then Blake met Alexis, and her focus seemed to shift from getting to know her family to getting to know Alexis. Isla had tried—and often failed—not to resent Alexis. She knew it wasn’t Alexis’s fault. Blake had fallen hard for Alexis and vice versa. And Isla was happy for them—she really was.
However, the happiness did little to numb the pain of the fact she’s barely had any time alone with Blake since she moved to the Cove. They’d only been able to talk a few times, and their conversations barely scratched the surface of all the feelings Isla was battling. Isla had spent too many nights to count crying in Vera’s arms asking her why Blake didn’t want to get to know her. Vera always comforted her, but more often than not her words fell on deaf ears.
Because all Isla felt was that Blake didn’t want to get to know her or her family. And the weight of that was slowly crushing Isla.
Why doesn’t she want to get to know me?
Why doesn’t she want to spend time with her siblings? Especially Mason?
Why doesn’t she want to get to know Vera?
Am I a bad mom?
There were more questions than answers and it made Isla want to scream.
But instead, she picked up her phone and called Alexis. She knew calling Blake now would be too emotional, especially if they did, in fact, already have plans for Christmas Day. Alexis answered on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Lex,” Isla tried to keep her voice upbeat, “how are you?”
“I’m good. We’re making cookies for Santa.”
“That sounds like fun.” Isla felt a pang in her heart as she pictured Blake making cookies with Alexis and Harper. She felt an angry tear slide down her cheek as she hurriedly wiped it away. “Is Blake there?”
“No, she’s at the grocery store. Are you looking for her?”
“No,” Isla answered too quickly. “I wanted to ask if you all had plans for Christmas Day. We hadn’t talked about it, and I didn’t know if you all were planning to come here or not.”
Alexis laughed. “Isla, come on. Of course, we’re going to be there. We wouldn’t miss it.”
“Oh okay.” Isla finally took in a full breath. “That’s good.”
“Everything okay?” She could tell by Alexis’s voice that she knew something was on Isla’s mind.
“Yeah,” Isla hurried to formulate an answer, “I just bought matching pajamas for everyone and I started to overthink that I hadn’t discussed that with you all. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. It’s a tradition we’ve done with the kids for years. But you all don't have to. It’s okay.”
“Are you kidding?” Alexis asked with a laugh. “We would love that, especially Harper.”
“Great!” It was the first time in a long time that Isla thought that maybe, just maybe, things might start to take a turn with her and Blake. “I can bring them by later if you want.”
“I’ll text Blake and have her pick them up on her way home.”
“Oh, okay, perfect.”
After hanging up with Alexis, Isla tucked the three sets of pajamas she’d gotten for Blake, Alexis, and Harper into a Christmas-themed gift bag and headed downstairs. She sat the bag by the front door as she took in the sight of the living room. The large fir tree sat in one corner, haphazardly decorated by the kids in the most perfectly imperfect way. Handmade ornaments from years gone by were the main decorations, along with some sentimental ornaments they’d collected over the years.
Vera and the kids were sitting around the TV watching a Christmas movie, so Isla snuggled on the couch between Vera and Ellie. Everleigh had claimed the recliner while Brayden lay sprawled out on the loveseat. Isla wished Mason and Blake were there so their house could feel complete.
“Hey,” Vera twirled Isla’s hair around her finger as Isla looked over at her. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Ellie grinned up at Isla. “I love you more, Mom.”
“There’s no way, kid.” Isla tickled Ellie as she giggled. There would never be a sound better than hearing her kids laughing.
It wasn’t long before the doorbell rang, and Isla quickly went to answer it. Blake was standing on the other side of the door in a hoodie, jacket, jeans, snow boots, and a beanie. She smiled at Isla as she shrugged.
“Lex told me to stop by and pick something up.” Another shrug. “She didn’t say what, so I have no clue if I’m here to pick up a cup of sugar or a dead body.”
Isla chuckled at Blake’s sense of humor. It was so similar to Mason’s that it made Isla’s heart nearly burst with happiness.
“Thankfully, it’s not the latter.” Reaching for the bag on the table by the door, Isla handed it to Blake. “It’s matching pajamas. For Christmas Day.”
Blake’s blank stare and furrowed brow nearly sent Isla’s stomach heaving.
Was she not planning on spending Christmas here? Alexis had said they were. Surely, they had talked about it.
Right?
“Alexis said you all were coming here for Christmas.”
“We are.”
“Okay,” Isla held out the word longer than necessary. “Great.”
“I thought you knew that. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
I mean, it’s not. But I’m not telling her that right now.
Blake took the bag from Isla and smiled. “Thanks for the pajamas.”
“You’re welcome.”
For a moment, Blake hesitated. Isla braced herself for the fact that maybe, just maybe, now would be the time Blake would finally let her into the wall she’d been keeping between them since she arrived in the Cove.
But that dream was crushed when Blake smiled and said, “I should get home. We’re making cookies for Santa.”
“Oh, well, of course,” Isla was keenly aware of her sarcastic laugh but didn’t bother to stop it. “How can I compete with that?”
If Blake picked up on her sarcasm, she didn’t act like it. Instead, she smiled again and turned to leave. Isla waited until Blake was in her car and driving away before slamming the door and marching up the stairs to the bedroom. She didn’t care if she’d made a scene in front of her kids or Vera. Isla was hurt and she wasn’t the best at processing that emotion yet.
Storming into the bathroom, Isla slammed the door behind her as she braced herself on the counter. She didn’t stop the angry tears from falling as she cried over her eldest daughter. Isla had spent decades wishing Blake was back and that they could rebuild their relationship. But Blake didn’t seem interested in that. She’d rather make cookies for Santa with her new family.
Isla knew it was only a matter of time before Vera came into the bathroom. So when the door opened, Isla didn’t have to look up to see who it was.
“This isn’t fair,” Isla sobbed as she went into her wife’s embrace. “We’ve waited so long for her to be back and I feel like I’m still waiting.”
“I know, baby.” Vera held Isla tight, swaying ever so slightly. “I know this is so hard for you.”
“Why doesn’t she want to get to know me? Or you? Or the kids? I don’t,” she sobbed, “understand.”
Vera tightened her grip on Isla as she kissed her head. “She’s hurting, baby. Just like you are. This has to be hard for her too. She is coming in as almost an outsider, and here you are, happy and with a family. She may feel like she was replaced.”
“But she wasn’t,” Isla sobbed again.
“We know that, but we have to look at things from Blake’s perspective.” Pulling back slightly, Vera wiped the tears from Isla’s cheek. It was then Isla could see she was crying too. “We just have to keep showing up for her and letting her know we are here when she is ready to let us in. We can’t force it. Blake has to want it. And I know she does, baby. I can see it in her eyes.”
Vera's eyes softened as she caressed Isla’s cheek.
“But I see a lot of you in her. I see how scared she is to open up. She doesn’t want to get hurt again, and we can’t fault her for that. Blake’s never had control of what’s happened in her life. Not until Alexis. And I truly think that by loving Alexis and Harper, she’s going to learn to open up to us as well.”
Isla nodded, knowing Vera was right. Even if she didn’t want to admit that. “I just wish she’d talk to me. But she keeps that damn wall between us. I want to grab a sledgehammer and knock it down but I know that will only send her running farther away from us.”
Taking a deep breath, Isla tried to calm down. She watched as Vera took deep breaths, silently coaching Isla to do the same, which she did.
Looking down at her forearm, Isla studied the tattoo she’d gotten a few months ago with Vera. They’d had each of their five kids draw a heart and they then got them tattooed on their forearms together. Isla loved how the hearts were in the birth order for her babies, and the fact she shared the special ink with Vera.
“I want her to have a relationship with me, yes, but it’s more than that. I want her to have a relationship with her siblings. Mason, Ellie, Brayden, Evie… they all need their sister.”
“And with time, I truly think that will happen. She’s focused on Alexis and Harper now, and I know that hurts you, but that’s okay. Blake is here, and she’s happy. She’s in our lives again, and that’s what matters right now, okay?”
Isla nodded.
She knew Vera was right. Even if it did little to calm the anger that was burrowing in the pit of her stomach.