Aspen #2
“You haven’t studied?” I asked, my brows drawing together. He smirked, blinking his lashes at me innocently. He looked stupidly cute when he did that. It felt unfair, like biological warfare or something.
“Relax, Cupcake. I’ve been studying. Just want to make sure I didn’t miss anything.”
I thought about how Faulkner had told me how much better Caelyx’s GPA had gotten since… Well, since me. Or at least, that was what he seemed to think. I still didn’t know if there was any truth to it and I certainly wasn’t going to ask.
“Well, you have fun with that,” I finally said, once we’d reached the point where I’d need to go one way to my dorm and he’d need to go the opposite way to his house. “Oh, hang on.”
“Yeah?” He responded, tucking his thumbs into his pockets as he waited.
“I, uh… I grabbed this for you when I was opening at the café this morning,” I said, digging in my bag to pull out a fancy little cake pop wrapped in cellophane.
I’d seen him eat them before, and this was a new special flavor that Sophia was trying out. Apparently they’d sold out really fast the day before, and Caelyx never worked mornings, so I didn’t know if he’d ever get to try one if I hadn’t grabbed it.
“Dubai chocolate,” I said. “It kind of reminded me of you because it’s, like… I don’t know. Some fancy rich thing. It’s, like, trendy right now or something.” Why did I suddenly feel so stupid?
His eyes widened, and he reached out to take it from me, looking way too delighted for something so small and silly.
“Dubai chocolate,” he repeated, and for some reason the corner of his mouth perked up and then re-straightened, like he was trying not to laugh.
Did he think it was funny that I’d gotten something for him?
I’d known I shouldn’t have done something so stupid and lame.
I bit down on a growl, suppressing the urge to snap. “That’s pistachio, right?”
“Yes,” I responded flatly, now regretting the whole thing. “And it was like three dollars, so… I mean, it’s not a big deal or anything.”
He looked up from the treat, seeming to finally realize I was annoyed and embarrassed by his reaction, and shook his head quickly.
“No! This is great. Thank you. Seriously. That’s really sweet.”
I didn’t know if I’d hated it more when I’d thought he’d been making fun of me, or now that he was pathetically grateful and calling me sweet.
“I’ll eat this as soon as I get home,” he promised.
“Fine. Whatever,” I said, now just wanting the interaction to be over and for him to leave. He seemed to understand that I was embarrassed, because he cleared his throat.
“Take it easy tonight. You need a break sometimes too, okay?”
“Yeah.” Anything for this to be over.
He glanced up into the sky for a second, still looking like he was trying to contain a laugh, then lowered his gaze back to me. Then, before I could even process what he was doing, he raised the cake pop up to his lips, giving it a loud smooch, before reaching out and tapping it against my lips.
He’d indirectly kissed me through the fucking cake pop.
My stomach did a flip in my guts, heat rushing over my whole form as I stared at him in complete shock. I knew my face was red.
He threw back his head and laughed before giving me a cocky wink.
“See ya, Cupcake.”
And then he was gone. My hand flew up to my mouth, my fingers trailing over my still-tingling lips as I watched his retreating back. Asshole.
LATER THAT EVENING, I sat in my dorm room with Ren and Che, all of us with our laptops out and logged into our favorite game, Federation of Fables.
Maddox played with us sometimes now too, but it was usually just us three.
As we waited in queue for the next match to start, Ren eyed me from his bed.
I was sitting on mine, and we’d given Che the desk.
“You know,” he started, “Maddy’s been theorizing about you.”
“Me?” I questioned. If Maddox wanted to know something from me, he could just text me. And if he didn’t want to do that, we’d see each other at the campus gym on Saturday, like always.
“He was with me when you texted me yesterday asking if I was in the room. He thinks you wanted to know because you’re hooking up with someone,” Ren admitted, and I cleared my throat, fixing my eyes to the screen.
I wasn’t really offended that they were gossiping about me, that was a normal part of our odd little friend group. And anyway, Ren was like the least malicious person on the planet. Well, he and Che were probably tied for that.
“Well… So what?” I said, shrugging a shoulder.
“You were?” He asked, sounding slightly surprised. God, had it been that long since I’d brought a guy back to the room, that people were speculating about me?
“Yeah,” I said, determined to sound casual and not embarrassed.
There was nothing embarrassing about fucking.
I’d done it plenty of times, and everyone knew that.
They didn’t know that this last time had been different and that I’d felt like I was melting into the bed with my eyes rolling back in my head.
They didn’t know that I’d gotten my dick sucked for the first time ever, and that my orgasm had been so intense I’d barely been able to hold back a scream.
And they also didn’t know that it had barely been a day, but I’d already caught myself fantasizing about the frantic, desperate way Caelyx had been rutting his hips on me, and the way his slick cock had felt grinding on me.
No one needed to know any of that.
“Oh,” he said. I knew he’d tell Maddox as soon as they talked, but that was fine. I didn’t care who knew. I didn’t need to take out an ad in the school paper, but I’d never kept my sex life a secret either.
“Is it, um, the same guy you hooked up with at the rave?” Che asked, piping up from his spot at the desk.
Slowly turning toward him, I kept my face carefully composed in a neutral expression.
He stared back at me through his long, dark lashes, an equally neutral expression on his pretty face.
He was wearing a baby blue collar with tiny spikes all around it, a bunch of bracelets comprised of chunky blue beads, and a bright blue bandage stuck over the bridge of his nose, a pastel goth femboy fantasy.
“You hooked up with a guy at the rave?” Ren asked in surprise.
“Why do you think I hooked up with a guy at the rave?” I asked, unsure how to answer without incriminating myself if he didn’t really know that much.
“Well, I saw you walk behind the barn and I saw him follow you. And you guys were back there for… Some time. And then, just… I don’t know, body language,” he said, in his signature soft voice.
Sometimes I wondered how this sugary sweet creature could be so devoted to and in love with Arie, such a loud and chaotic presence.
Then again, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
“Wait, who was it?” Ren asked. “Anyone I know?”
Che glanced over to Ren, then back to me, his brown eyes silently seeking for me to indicate what I wanted to be open about.
“N-no,” I stammered out. “It wasn’t, um…
I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, then instantly felt a bloom of guilt in my stomach.
I’d have felt like complete shit if I’d found out a guy I’d hooked up with had been too embarrassed to admit it had been with me.
It wasn’t that I was embarrassed or ashamed that I’d fucked around with Caelyx.
He was hot. There was no reason to feel like that, but…
We were all friends, and it was kind of awkward. “I mean, it’s just, uh…”
“It’s okay, Aspen,” Ren said quickly, his dark brows furrowed together. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
I sighed, rubbing my temples in little circles with my fingers. “It’s not a big deal, okay? We’re just hooking up, and… It’s chill. There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Okay,” Ren said easily.
“It’s not, like, a secret or anything. I’m not embarrassed about him. It’s just… We don’t need to talk about it.”
“Okay,” Ren reiterated, glancing briefly at Che, who cleared his throat.
“So… It is the same guy, then,” he determined, and I gave him a dry look.
“Obviously, yes,” I said, then lightly groaned as another thought occurred to me. “Did you tell Arie about this?”
Che shook his head quickly, a subtly apologetic smile on his cute, pouty lips.
“Don’t you think if I’d mentioned it to Arie that he would have already interrogated you about it?” He asked, and he had a point. Arie had already teased Caelyx and I about having tension and chemistry or whatever dumb thing he called it.
“Yeah, okay,” I said, grateful for that, at least. “Can we just move on?” I asked, and they both eagerly changed the subject to something else.
And then once we finally got into a game, we focused on that, and no one brought it up again.
But it nagged at me until Che left and Ren and I turned off the lights and went to sleep.
A HANDFUL OF hours later, the sound of my phone vibrating on the nightstand, as well as the bright flash from the screen, ripped me out of my semi-peaceful sleep.
Groaning into my pillow as I reached out for it, my stomach sank as I read the caller’s contact name.
Scrambling to a sitting up position, I grabbed it and hit accept.
“Mom?” I answered, dragging the back of my arm over my eyes to try to clear them of all the fuzz. It was almost 3:00 in the morning. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m okay,” she said, before calling me the name she’d given me, the one I’d stopped using. Her words were slurred, and I knew she was drunk.
“No, Mom. I’m Aspen now, remember?”
“Oh, yes,” she acknowledged. “I’m sorry, honey. Aspen.” She said it firmly this time, as if it would help cement it into her memory.
“What’s the matter? Are you hurt?”
“I’m…” She paused, and my fingers tightened on the phone, nausea rolling through my guts and rising up to my throat. “I’m okay, really. I’m just lonely. I tried calling your sister, but she didn’t pick up.”
My sister was six years older than me, with a husband and a daughter.
Relieved it didn’t seem like she was injured or anything serious had happened, I let out a shaky breath.
“Kristen’s asleep, Mom. You know she has to be up early to get Emma on the bus.”
“I know. I just don’t have anybody to talk to.”
I heard the sound of Ren rustling around in his bed, and could barely make out the image of him sitting up, too.
“Is everything okay?” He whispered, and I cupped my hand over the bottom part of my phone to muffle my voice from her.
“It’s fine. I’m so sorry for waking you up,” I murmured, and he shook his head.
“It’s alright,” he promised me, and I was sure he meant it, but I still felt like a shitty roommate.
Throwing back my blanket, I rolled out of bed and pulled on some shorts. Slipping out into the hallway and closing our bedroom door, I sank down onto the carpet, my back up against the wall.
“Mom, the doctors said you’re not supposed to drink anymore. They said it’s going to kill you.”
“It’s going to kill me if I don’t drink,” she replied.
I’d heard that one before, too many times.
I didn’t have any words left to beg her to stop or try to convince her.
I’d spent too long focusing my energy on that, and had only succeeded in making myself feel helpless.
I knew it was the same for my sister. “I just want to talk.”
“Okay,” I finally agreed, squeezing my eyes closed.
She wasn’t a bad person, or even a bad mom, really.
She was just… Trapped. Trapped by her addiction.
And I didn’t know how to help her. She needed professional help, rehab and therapy, but had never been able to afford it.
Even if she could, there would have been no one to take care of my sister and I while she’d been in it.
Our dad had left before I’d even been born. I’d never met him. “I’m here.”
She talked for what felt like a long time, about our neighbors and some of the drama that was happening in the trailer park I’d grown up in.
Someone’s daughter was pregnant, and someone’s son was hooked on drugs.
The usual. It made it seem like a dangerous place to live, but it really wasn’t. Just chaotic.
“Well, I’m getting tired, so I’ll let you go, honey,” she finally said.
“Okay, Mom,” I answered. I’d have to call her tomorrow to make sure she was alright.
Kristen lived two hours away from her. They’d had to move for her husband’s job.
She came and checked on our mom as much as she could, but the long drive wasn’t easy on their car.
It wasn’t easy on mine either, but I didn’t have a choice. “I’ll come see you this weekend.”
“You will?” She said, sounding happy. “That sounds fun. Let’s get some popcorn and watch some movies like we used to.”
“Yeah. I’ll see you soon.”
When the call ended, I dragged my knees up to my chest, pressing my face into them.
It would have been better for her if I could have stayed there, but without a college degree, I’d never make enough to change things.
I’d be stuck in the same depressing cycle as everyone else in my family.
Living paycheck to paycheck, always just one bad week away from having the lights turned off or having the eviction notice slapped up on the door.
And if she could hang on long enough for me to get a good job with my business degree, then I could get her some real help, but…
I didn’t want to think about the alternative.
I couldn’t think about the alternative. If I didn’t push it out of my mind, replace it with something else, I’d go insane.
The burn at the back of my eyes and throat forced a shudder out of me, and I dragged a hand through my hair. My fingers trembled as I picked my phone back up. I don’t know what came over me, or what I was thinking as I scrolled through my contacts, stopping on him.
My heart smacked up into my ribs, my pulse racing as I realized how stupid and selfish and pathetic I was to even consider doing this. It rang twice, the third time cutting short as he answered. The sound of his voice, rough with sleep, poured out from the receiver into my ear.
“What’s going on, Cupcake? You need me?”