Aspen
“THANKS FOR MEETING me here this early, you guys,” I said, reaching out for the shaker bottle of protein Maddox passed to me.
It wasn’t as bad today, some combination of strawberry and vanilla.
My muscles ached with a light burn, but in that oddly satisfying way that came after a decent workout session.
“I really appreciate it.” I’d found having them with me in the gym made it so much easier to feel motivated and accountable.
“I don’t mind. We’re always up early,” Cyprian said, and Maddox nodded in agreement with him. “You’re spending the weekend at home, right?”
I’d mentioned I’d be leaving for the weekend the night before, when Caelyx and I had finally rolled up to the house to start the movie, much to Arie’s ire.
We’d lied about the reason for our lateness, but I wasn’t sure he’d bought it, since we didn’t exactly have a good excuse for why I hadn’t answered my phone.
I mean, I had a good excuse, because I’d been approximately five seconds from a toe-curling orgasm, but not an excuse I was willing to publicly share.
“Yeah,” I confirmed. “I’m just going to jump in the shower and head out.”
I’d been checking up on my mom more since she’d called me drunk, and she seemed much better now, like it had just been a tiny slip up. But still, it would put me more at ease to see it for myself.
“Can I ask you something?” Maddox asked, and I tilted my head, giving him a shrug to demonstrate my consent as I took another long swig of protein shake. “Are you seriously fucking Caelyx? Is that why you guys were late last night?”
Cyprian coughed in surprise at the question, giving Maddox a wide-eyed expression, letting me know that he, at least, had no clue about it.
“Where’d you hear that?” I wondered, but I’d already made up my mind that I wouldn’t blow it off again like I had with Ren and Che.
After all the shit he’d put up with the day before, the least I owed him was honesty if someone asked about it.
I wasn’t going to treat him like a secret I was ashamed of.
“From Caelyx,” he said. “He wasn’t bragging about it or anything,” he added, evidently granting him some grace. “It was more like I overheard him, um…” Maddox trailed off, and cleared his throat. “Well, I overheard him talking to Ren. That’s all. I couldn’t tell if he was full of shit or not.”
The sudden awkwardness and hesitance to elaborate alerted me that whatever conversation he’d overheard between Caelyx and Ren probably wasn’t something I’d be all that thrilled about, but I tucked it away in the back of my brain for later.
“He’s not,” I said, lifting my shoulders in another shrug. “We’ve been hooking up.”
“Whoa,” Cyprian remarked, but in a totally non-judgmental way. “No wonder he’s been in such a good mood. Strutting around like a rooster and all that,” he joked, chuckling a little.
To my extreme dismay, I felt a light blush rise up to my cheeks at his statement, the idea of Caelyx so pleased and happy that we’d gotten closer affecting me in a way it definitely should not have.
Maddox stared at me thoughtfully, like he was trying to process and comprehend what I’d said, which didn’t surprise me.
He and Caelyx had this weird thing where they pretended to hate each other while simultaneously doing favors and showing niceties to each other, which I guess wasn’t too far off from how my own relationship with Caelyx had been until recently. Only I hadn’t been pretending.
“You, uh… You know he spent the first six months we lived together thinking he was controlling the thermostat, but it was just a dimmer switch connected to a light in the closet, right?”
Cyprian snorted, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, but nodded to verify Maddox’s claim.
“He also needed me to show him how to use a washing machine,” Maddox added, and I shot him a wry look.
I didn’t need to be reminded that Caelyx was a pampered house cat who’d needed to be shown basic human skills to survive on his own.
But it wasn’t exactly in the forefront of my mind when he was gently talking me down from the beginnings of a panic attack or giving me mind blowing back-to-back orgasms.
“I said we’re hooking up, not that I’m having him take my midterms for me,” I responded flatly. “And he’s getting better about that stuff, you know.”
“Oh my god,” Maddox responded, his eyes widening to a comically round shape. “You actually like him. Not just his dick, but you actually like him.”
That hot blush was back, and all I could do was wipe the back of my arm across my forehead to smear my sweat around.
“I have to go,” I said, before handing him back his empty shaker bottle. He scoffed, giving me a smug, knowing look.
“Yeah, I bet.”
“I think it’s nice,” Cyprian said. “Don’t let Maddox make fun of you,” he added. “He was getting all horny the other day when Ren was rambling on about some special link between modular forms and algebraic structures.”
Maddox sniffed, slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder. “So? My boyfriend’s a genius. It’s hot.”
“Congratulations,” I said dryly, before raising my hand in a final wave to them and heading toward the exit closest to the dorms. “See you guys on Monday.”
So Caelyx wasn’t a genius. What would I want with a boyfriend who did math calculations for fun, anyway?
… Not that I wanted Caelyx as a boyfriend or anything. I’d only had that thought because Maddox had used that word to refer to Ren. I didn’t want a boyfriend, period. The fact that I was enjoying hooking up and hanging around with Caelyx was a completely separate thought to that.
Definitely.
THAT EVENING, I settled on the couch for a movie with Mom, a romantic comedy she’d been waiting to watch with me.
I’d been there for hours already, and nothing seemed amiss.
There were cans of beer in the fridge that shouldn’t have been there, and a half-full bottle of Crown Royal that she liked to mix with Coke sometimes in the cabinet, but none of that was out of the ordinary.
I hoped that just meant that she really had just been having a bad night, and that she wasn’t slipping and getting worse being alone all the time.
She stood at the microwave, a bag of popcorn rotating inside, carefully waited for the perfect gap between pops before yanking it out and dumping it into a bowl. Joining me on the couch she let out a happy sigh, rubbing her hand over my arm.
We’d already gone through the seemingly required comments about how different I was starting to look, and how surprised she was by how I was turning out.
I knew she didn’t mean anything by it. She’d supported me when I’d come out as trans, even if she still didn’t always know exactly what to say about it.
But I knew she’d felt guilty about not being able to help me financially with my hormones and top surgery, especially because her part time job didn’t even offer health insurance for her, let alone to benefit me in any way.
It was alright, I’d never blamed her. But that was the other thing I hadn’t admitted to Caelyx when he’d asked why I had to work so much.
Not only did I have to help my mom with her bills and rent, but I had to make sure I could afford my hormones, too.
The thought of going off them now, after I was finally starting to like what I was seeing in the mirror, felt devastating to me.
I’d been lucky enough to have my application approved by a charity who helped fund gender affirming care procedures for low income trans people, so I’d gotten my chest done shortly after turning 18.
Without that, I’d still have been begrudgingly squishing into a binder every day.
But I didn’t expect Caelyx to understand any of that, it wasn’t his problem to deal with. And I could handle my own problems.
“Oh boy,” she commented, part way through the movie when a punk character was introduced, complete with tattoos and piercings and a leather jacket.
“I bet that’s the kind of guy you’d go for, huh?
” She teased, and an image of Caelyx’s virgin, unmarred skin, along with his preppy designer fashions briefly flashed into my mind before I scoffed and gave her arm a light, playful shove.
“I told you I don’t have time for dating or anything right now,” I reminded her.
“I know, I know,” she said, giving me a sweet grin, her long ponytail swishing a bit as she shook her head. “You’re too busy being clever and responsible.”
I wasn’t sure how clever and responsible I’d been as of late, giving my coworker a semi-public blow job in our work parking lot, but I only nodded.
I was doing great in all my classes, and for once in my life I could almost start to feel optimistic about the future.
The only thing that worried me was that I wouldn’t be able to afford help for her fast enough, before something…
Permanently bad happened. Like always, I couldn’t bring myself to think about it, so I brought her attention back to the movie by pointing out the hot male lead, an A-list Hollywood actor I knew she had a major crush on.
When she was giggling next to me on the couch and hugging me to her side, it was easier to forget that she had this thing wrong with her, this addiction that she couldn’t escape no matter how hard she wanted to.
I’d lain awake too many nights listening to her throw up, and dealing with her hangovers the next day.
I knew how miserable it made her, but even despite that, she couldn’t quit without help.
She just had to hang on long enough for me to figure something out.
We spent the night watching more movies and snacking on junk food, until we were both exhausted and ready for bed. She retreated to her room, and I went to mine.