15. Chester
Chester
H e didn’t seriously expect me to answer that, did he?
From how he was watching me and waiting, he did.
“Umm, that sounds good,” I rasped. Where the fuck had my voice gone? “I’m vers, so whatever you’re into goes.”
His lips descended to brush over my cheekbone. One side, then the other. “I’m vers too. What is it ye want tonight though, Chester?”
I bit my lip. What I really wanted was to bottom. There was an issue with that though, because while Finn’s hands were on my body, it was Matt’s voice in my head.
You need to lose some weight.
Why would anyone want to fuck a tub of lard like you?
You’re a big bloke, you’re meant to be the top.
Finn’s head snapped up suddenly. “Chester? What’s wrong, m’eudail?”
His question dragged me out of the spiral. How had he known…?
That was when I heard the sound of my breathing hit my ears. It was fast. Too fast. I tried to slow it down, but my throat just constricted tighter. My hands started to tingle as dots danced at the edges of my vision.
“Shit,” Finn said. “Here, let’s get ye sat on the floor.”
I let him lower me down, dragging in desperate breaths. Still, Matt’s voice was there. He wouldn’t fucking shut up.
Such a loser.
What’s he going to think now that you’ve fallen apart in front of him?
You’ve fucked it up, just like you fuck everything up.
“Breathe,m’eudail,” Finn murmured, gently squeezing the back of my neck. “Here. Copy me.”
He picked up one of my tingling hands and pressed it to his chest. I let the heat of him ground me. Let the steady thrum of his heartbeat guide me back. Most of all, I focused on his deep breaths. My own lungs mimicked them, everything quietening down with each inhalation.
It wasn’t until the attack faded that the other feelings hit.
Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment.
Fuck.
Finn was crouching in front of me, concern in every line of his face. “Ye okay?”
I nodded, taking the bottle of water he handed me and downing half of it. It was the one I kept on my bedside table. I hadn’t seen him move to grab it. Must’ve been more out of it than I’d thought.
“Does this happen often?” he asked gently.
“No.” I finished the water and put the bottle down beside me. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.”
“Why?”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Why d’you think? I finally have you in my bedroom, where I’ve been dreaming about getting you, only to have a panic attack. ”
A slow smirk tugged at his lips. “You’ve been dreaming about me in here?”
“That’s the part you’re focused on?”
He shrugged. “It’s the only part I care about. I don’t care that ye had a panic attack, Chester.You can’t control your mental health any more than you can your physical.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I’d been expecting him to make excuses and leave.
“I care about why ye had it though,” he said, stroking my cheek. “I care about how you’re feeling now, and what I can do to make it better.”
I dropped my head back against the bed and stared at the ceiling. “Honestly, it’s ridiculous. You’ll laugh.”
Finn hummed before shifting so he was sitting beside me. His warmth radiated through his shirt against my arm, making me lean into him instinctively. “Not sure I will. I don’t think I’ll find anything that causes that kind of reaction in ye funny .”
I fiddled with one of theleather braceletsaround my wrist. Why was it so much harder to open up to Finn than Buddy? I had no problem laying all my issues out with my doggy companion.
Probably because he can’t talk back.
Yeah, that was likely it. But maybe it was time to open up a little to someone who could respond. Someone I didn’t think would judge me.
“It was because you asked me what I wanted tonight.”
There was a long pause. “Do you not like deciding for yourself, is that it?”
“No.” I gave a bitter laugh. “It’s not that. Although I do like it when my partner is the more aggressive one in the bedroom. ”
“Noted.” Finn smirked briefly before it faded away. “So what was it?”
I couldn’t look at him, instead focusing on the carpet. “It’s because I know exactly what I want, but the thought of asking it…it sent me over the edge.”
“I’m sorry.” Finn took my hand in his, his thumb caressing the back of my hand. “If it helps, ye don’t have to tell me. But I’ll also let ye know that I only have one limit in the bedroom.”
That got my attention. I glanced at him curiously. “What’s that?”
“I won’t hurt you,” Finn said simply. “That’s my limit, I’m afraid. I just can’t do it.”
“That’s fine,” I said quickly. “I don’t want that either.”
“Good.” He exhaled in relief. “Okay, so now ye know what my limit is, does that make you feel more comfortable telling me? I promise ye can’t shock me.”
“God it’s so embarrassing.” I covered my eyes with the hand Finn wasn’t holding. “I’m being ridiculous. It’s nothing kinky, or out of the ordinary. It’s just…”
Finn didn’t push me. He just waited for me to find the words. Something Matt would never have done. Because Finn wasn’t Matt, I realised. I had to stop tarring Finn with the same brush.
“I prefer to bottom,” I said, dropping my hand from my eyes. “That’s what I like to do.”
The small furrow in Finn’s brow was the only visual clue to his confusion.
“That’s fine,m’eudail. Like I said, I’m vers.
More than fine, if I’m being honest.” He leaned forward, like he was telling me a secret.
“If I’m being completely honest, I have a mildly unhealthy obsession with yer arse.
I’m just dying to bury whatever part of me you’d like between yer cheeks. ”
His unexpected confession removed the last of the weight from my chest. “Great. See? I told you I was being ridiculous.”
“Yer not ridiculous at all,” Finn said, his eyes serious.
“Can I ask ye a couple more questions though? Ye don’t have to tell me anything, I just want to make sure I don’t do anything to inadvertently trigger ye.
Not that it’s a problem if ye have another panic attack, I just don’t want ye to suff?—”
I cut his words off with a kiss. Fuck, the care this man was showing me was unlike anything I’d experienced before. This was supposed to be a one-night hookup, but Finn was approaching this like a new relationship.
Because that’s what he wants, remember?
That wasn’t Matt’s voice, but my own fears. As much as I could see myself falling for Finn, I needed to go slowly.
He wasn’t Matt, but I wasn’t rushing into anything.
“You can ask me whatever you like,” I said when we parted. I was breathing heavily again, but for a much nicer reason this time. “If I can’t answer, I’ll let you know.”
“Do ye…” He swallowed hard. “Have ye had a bad experience bottoming?”
“No. I’ve had a bad experience asking to be topped.” I tried to smile at Finn, but it wouldn’t come. “My ex wasn’t the most flattering of blokes. Once he had me locked in, what I wanted in the bedroom was no longer a priority.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Finn said softly. “I can promise you’d never have that experience with me. I’ll always put your pleasure first.”
The funny thing was, I didn’t think Finn was lying. He genuinely would. “It’s fine, I don’t need that. I like my partner to be as satisfied as I am.”
Finn rubbed his nose against mine, his lips tantalisingly close. “Just being with ye is going to leave me satisfied, Chester. Trust me on that.” I went to kiss him, but he pulled back and frowned. “Hang on, what did you mean by he wasn’t flattering? Do ye mean he was insulting?”
I gave a half shrug. “Yeah, I guess.”
The desire in Finn’s eyes had turned to ice. “What kind of things did he say to ye, Chester?”
I hesitated. What if I told Finn and then he saw me the way Matt did?
“Chester—” He cupped my chin. “—whatever you’re thinking about now, you’re wrong. Nothing ye tell me is going to change how I see ye.”
“Can you read my mind?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.
“No, I can read your face,” Finn said bluntly. “Yer fear is written all over it. Nothing you say is going to change how badly I want ye.”
I wanted to believe that. To trust him. But trusting Matt had almost destroyed me. Could I open myself up to that again? Did I even want to?
Finn gave me a small encouraging smile, and I realised I did. I wasn’t sure I’d be successful, but I wanted to try.
I wanted to try for Finn. And for myself.
“Just about my size,” I mumbled, fixating on the carpet instead of Finn. “How no one would ever want to fuck me with how big I am.”
Finn went silent. Oh so deathly silent. I risked a glance sideways to see he’d gone completely still. The quiet before the storm.
From the look in Finn’s eyes, a storm was certainly brewing. Strangely, I felt no urge to run from it. To seek shelter. Finn had said he wouldn’t hurt me. I might not have been ready to fully trust him, but I believed that .
“Where is this man now?” Finn asked finally.
“Fuck knows,” I snorted. “I dumped him then moved up here. Haven’t seen or heard from him since.”
“Where’d ye live before?”
I tilted my head in confusion. “Portsmouth, why?”
“No reason.” He gave me a brittle smile.
I raised a brow. “I might not have known when Matt was bullshitting me, but apparently it’s very obvious when you’re doing it.”
That broke the tension, drawing a sheepish laugh from Finn as he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to him. “Sorry. I was wondering how long it’d take me to travel to Portsmouth and teach that prick a lesson.”
I blinked at him. “You’re not serious?”
“Possibly?” He noted my narrowed eyes and laughed again. “Don’t worry,m’eudail. I don’t even know his last name. He’s safe for the moment.”
He waggled his eyebrows in a ridiculous fashion and I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You’ve got a warped sense of humour.”
“So long as you find me funny, that’s all that matters.”
“I do.” I bit my lip as I considered what to do next. “Do you want to reschedule? Or maybe go down and get a drink? I know this hasn’t gone the way either of us planned but?—”
Exactly as he had earlier,Finn sank his teeth into my earlobe, andmy whole body responded like I’d touched a live wire. I groaned, one of my hands going into his hair and the other clinging to the front of his shirt.
“No, Chester,” he said huskily into my ear. “What I want to do is strip ye down and worship your body the way ye deserve. How does that sound?”
I would have teased him for asking stupid questions, but the fact that he was double checking my consent after what I’d just revealed was oddly touching. “Sounds like heaven.”
“Excellent.” He grinned as he got to his feet with a grace that was unusual to see in a man of his size. “Trust me,m’eudail, I’m not letting ye leave this room until I know you’re completely satisfied.”
He extended a hand to me, but I ignored it in favour of pushing myself off the floor. Finn might not have agreed with how Matt had viewed me, but there was no denying that I was heftier than I should have been. I didn’t want him to put his back out trying to lift me.
Especially not before we got to the worshipping part of the evening.
That was something I’d never experienced before.
The idea of having Finn be the one to do that…
I shivered and reached down to rearrange myself.
Yeah. I was going to have to not focus on what might be coming next or I’d be coming way too soon.
Finn’s hand lightly touched the back of mine as I lifted it from my bulge. “How about I help ye with that?”
“If you touch me now, this will be over before it starts.”
He brushed the hair back from my forehead. “How’s yer refractory period?”
His question had blood flooding my face. “It’s good. I mean…yeah. I can get hard again with enough…attention.”
Finn, gentleman that he was, didn’t comment on how I tripped over my words. Or on how I was blushing. Instead, he reached behind him and pulled his shirt over his head in an easy manoeuvre I’d never be able to achieve.
My eyes immediately fixed on the torso I’d practically memorised by now. His dusky nipples. The cut abs. The tight vee dusted lightly with hair .
Tonight though, I didn’t need to only look. I was going to be able to touch him too.
“Good to know,” he said, lowering himself to his knees. “I think I’ll have you come in my mouth the first time.”
I was too busy ogling him as he knelt before me to register what he’d said at first. “The first time?”
“Aye,” he said huskily, his fingers going to the button on my jeans as he smirked up at me.“I told ye, Chester, you’re mine. All night long. And I’m going to make the most of every minute.”