Chapter 11
B RANTLEY CURSED HIS own stupidity as he oh so casually left his bedroom and ran toward the kitchen.
What was I thinking, saying that? He had no excuse. Well, none other than the little trip down memory lane that had blurred with the present and had his brain and his emotions all twisted up around themselves.
The expression on Daniel’s face when he’d said it, though…
Damn it. It had been tight-lipped and closed off.
They’d finally started to take steps forward, and with one stupid slip-up, they were right back where they’d started.
But Brantley wasn’t going to let it bother him, he decided as he opened the fridge and checked out the contents. Yeah, right.
It wasn’t his fault that that was how he thought of Daniel. He’d always been his Finn. From that moment in the club, Daniel had been his. And when he’d seen him just the other night, it had still felt that way.
After grabbing the Brie, some grapes, and a bottle of Chardonnay, he closed the door and went about cutting up small triangles of cheese.
He arranged it all on a plate with some crackers, reached for two wine glasses that hung under one of his cabinets, and then carried it all on a tray out to his balcony.
After setting it down on the table, he walked over to the railing overlooking the beach.
He needed to keep a clear head over the next two weeks.
A clear head and a wary heart. Daniel had told him straight up that he was different.
Told him that he had changed, and while the chemistry was obviously still simmering between them, they needed to overcome so much other baggage before they could truly enjoy it.
“Thought I might find you out here.”
When Brantley looked over his shoulder, Daniel was stepping out onto the balcony. He’d put on a pair of Aviator sunglasses, and as he strolled toward him, Brantley thought he’d never looked more handsome.
Daniel did look different, extremely different, and his mother was right when she’d said that the city element had shaped the man stopping beside him. But with the glasses, the loose linen pants, and the shirt, Brantley still saw the blond surfer he’d first fallen for.
“It’s relaxing,” he said as he returned his gaze to the waves rolling in.
“It is that. Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and the cars and trucks are blasting their horns down in the street, I think about this place. The sound of the waves and the rustling of your curtains in the breeze. Remember how you used to sleep with your window open?”
Brantley grinned and looked over at him. “Of course. You used to sneak in it every night.”
“Hey, you told me if I saw the light on, I was welcome.”
So he had.
“And the light was never off,” Daniel reminded him. “Not after that first night.”
Brantley straightened up against the railing to stare at his home.
It’d been so quiet there for years now. Oh, he had friends over all the time, like Jordan, who was practically family.
And he’d had the occasional hookup here and there, but never at his house, always at theirs.
Never once had he asked them to come back to his place, because the thought of someone in his bed other than Finn… just hadn’t felt right.
“Would you like a drink?” he asked as he poured himself a glass of wine.
“I’m thinking two or three might help.”
He chuckled and then held a glass out to Daniel. “Don’t tell me Daniel Finley, tough city lawyer, is nervous.”
“Not nervous, no.”
“No?”
“No…”
“Then what?”
Daniel took a sip of his wine, and when he lowered it, he said quite seriously, “I don’t know yet.”
Brantley sat on one of his deck chairs and grabbed a cracker and a slice of cheese.
Popping it in his mouth, he chewed and then gestured for Daniel to take the chair opposite.
When he did—and grabbed a grape, threw it in the air, and caught it in his mouth—Brantley smiled and asked, “Am I allowed to tell you how happy I am to have you here?”
As Daniel chewed his food, Brantley’s eyes wandered to his full lips and watched them curve.
He couldn’t see behind those glasses, but he knew that Daniel’s eyes were on him.
Just as he knew that no matter how much he guarded his heart, he would never be able to stop himself from loving this man again. And the reason for that was simple.
He had never stopped in the first place.
“Yeah, you’re allowed to tell me that. And Brantley?” Daniel asked as he picked up another grape.
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to allow myself to enjoy it.”
DANIEL PROPPED ONE of his ankles on his knees and clasped his hands over his stomach. The sun would disappear soon, and as he pushed his glasses up on top of his head, he looked over at the man staring out at the fading day.
It was calming there, peaceful, as he sat with Brantley, drinking wine and enjoying the view. But it was more than the view and the alcohol causing that effect. It was the man himself. It had always been that way.
“How long has it been since you’ve taken a vacation?” Brantley asked, as he reached for the wine to top his glass off.
“Why?”
“I don’t know. You’re a little…”
“ Yes? ” Daniel said, daring him to continue and wondering where he was going. Tense? High-strung? Arrogant?
Brantley’s lips quirked, and then he shrugged. “Paler than I remember.”
Daniel laughed at that—loudly. “Are you trying to tell me I need a tan?”
“Well, no. I was just thinking you probably spend most of your days in an office or a courtroom.”
“You would be right. And it’s been a few years.”
“ Years? ”
“Yes. Years,” he said. “I’ve been on track for a…promotion, you could say. And the only way I was going to get it was to put in more time and more effort than anyone else. You should understand that kind of commitment. It was your final altruistic act that taught me to have such dedication.”
A frown marred Brantley’s forehead, and Daniel immediately wanted to take his words back. Fuck.
“I assume there’s more to that comment than the vague compliment it’s neatly wrapped up in.”
Daniel brought his glass back to his lips and shut his mouth, choosing to follow the age-old advice: If you don’t have anything nice to say…
“Finn?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry.”
As the two words he’d waited so long to hear floated between them, he wasn’t sure what to say.
There they were. So simple. Yet so damn complicated that he had absolutely nothing to say in response.
He put his empty glass on the table and got to his feet.
Brantley remained seated but was looking up at him, and as the two of them stared at one another, all the time and all the distance between them melted away.
It was as if Daniel were his younger self standing in front of the man who’d stolen his heart, and he could feel himself falling all over again.
Stepping between Brantley’s legs, he placed his hands on the arms of his chair and brought his face in close to the one that had haunted his every fucking hour. “I know you are,” he whispered. “I just wish it were that easy.”
Brantley closed his eyes, and Daniel marveled at his thick lashes.
“I’m going to go and take a shower and lie down for an hour or so, if that’s okay. I’m beat.”
When Brantley’s eyes opened, he nodded. “Of course. You know where everything is. Maybe tomorrow we can just relax, let everything settle a bit. I have some exams to grade…”
Daniel stood to his full height and said, “Want me to help? I’m sure I remember your strict guidelines.”
“You should, Mr. TA. You graded them for two years.”
“Well, it’s been a while. But if I’m not up to your high standards, maybe you could reeducate me. Or I’d be more than happy to watch you grade them.”
Brantley settled back into his chair and crossed his ankles. “That sounds doable.”
As Daniel walked by him toward the open doorway, he called over his shoulder, “Who knows? Maybe I’ll just lie out and work on my full-body tan.”
Brantley sat up and spun around in his chair at that, and Daniel made sure to catch his eye and wink.
“I’ll be out soon. Don’t miss me too much,” he said as he disappeared inside.
WHEN DANIEL WAS out of sight, Brantley stood and kicked his flip-flops off.
He needed to get away from the man who’d just vanished inside his house.
He needed a few minutes to analyze what he wanted to come from all of this, because as far as he could tell, if he wanted Daniel for more than a two-week fling, he was going to have to work some kind of magic to get through the walls that man had around his heart.
Making his way down the stairs to the beach, he unbuttoned his shirt. God , he’d really screwed things up for them, hadn’t he? And he was sorry. More sorry than ever that the actions he’d taken in the hopes of helping the young man he’d loved had actually seemed to destroy a part of him.
Stopping on the sandy shore, he shrugged out of the shirt and tossed it at his feet. Then he unfastened his shorts. He often came down for an afternoon swim to clear his head, and the ocean was calling to him now.
After checking that no one was around, he dropped his shorts onto his shirt and then stepped into the water in his boxers. As the cool water lapped at his ankles, he dug his toes into the wet sand and closed his eyes, tipping his face up to take in the salty air.
What am I going to do now? he thought as he walked deeper into the water. As it swirled around his calves and then splashed against his knees, he thought about Daniel up in his shower. And what is he thinking?
There was a time when he’d known with one look what was on Daniel’s mind. But not now. The guarded man who went from hot to cold in the blink of an eye had him tripping all over himself. And he hated that.
When he was waist-deep, the ocean pulled him forward as it drew back toward the sea. He took a deep breath, dove under, and let the cool water wash over him as the wave crashed down on his feet.