Chapter 23
Finn
S omething’s up with Ash.
It’s been a few days since we hooked up, and we haven’t talked about it. When I got home from bringing Tucker a change of clothes that afternoon, Ash was gone. He didn’t get home until way later, and when he did, all he said was he had a headache and was going to bed. And it’s been damn near radio silence since. If it’s not about Tucker, then he’s not talking to me. It’s like he’s getting me back for the way I behaved after the masturbation incident, but payback doesn’t really seem like Ash’s style, so I don’t get it.
I haven’t even had a chance to tell him that I broke up with Violet because he’s going out of his way to ensure we’re never alone together. I don’t get it. I know I should’ve told him about the breakup the night it happened instead of climbing into bed with him, but I don’t know…it felt right at the time to just be with him without anything else potentially getting in our way.
Maybe that was wrong of me.
I’ve never been somebody to act without thought. Weighing the risks has always been something I have to do, not just for myself, but for my son. There are few instances in my life I can think of where I threw caution to the wind and went with my gut. One of those times being when Riley told me she was pregnant. I didn’t need to weigh the risks or think it through; I knew I wanted that baby. But something about Ash has me wanting to throw caution to the wind all over again. He has me wanting to take risks and step outside of my comfort zone, and I’m not sure when that started.
When I first interviewed him for the job, everything about him annoyed me. He was late, frazzled, undressed behind his car, and overall, just seemed like somebody I wouldn’t enjoy being around. Part of me wonders if that initial distaste for him was somehow my subconscious knowing he would challenge me. If I somehow knew that bringing Ash into our home would reveal some hidden part of myself I didn’t know existed.
But how would I know that?
I keep waiting for the panic to come. The freakout or the sudden realization that I didn’t actually enjoy what we did, except it never comes. Not even close. When I think back to the things we’ve done—the flirting that I don’t even think I realized was flirting until now, the mutual masturbation, the sex stuff—I feel warm inside. I feel good. And it’s something I want to do again.
For how much I truly believed I couldn’t be anything other than straight until recently, this feels a lot more…calm, and I don’t know, comfortable, than I would think it would.
Being around Ash makes me feel like I can be vulnerable, no matter how scary that is. He allows me to explore this new side of myself. Being with him the other night, and then again in the morning, felt so right. It felt natural. I can’t explain it. Falling asleep next to him was the soundest sleep I’ve had in a long while. Like being near him puts my mind at ease. And there are very few people in this world who have made me feel that way, yet he’s quickly become one of them. Which I think makes it even more frustrating that he’s clearly avoiding me and what we did.
Checking the time on my watch, I note how late it’s getting. Ash went out with August and Tripp for dinner, and I think bowling. I only know this because August told me about the plans while we were finishing up work today. I’m willing to bet Ash is purposely waiting to come home late enough that he thinks I’ll be in bed.
But I’m onto him, and two can play at that game. Even if I’ll be fucking exhausted come morning when it’s time to get up and go to work.
Hence why I’m sitting in my recliner as the front door opens at a quarter after ten. Turning my head, my gaze lands on Ash, who’s already watching me.
Clearing his throat, he shuts and locks the door. “Kind of late for you to be up, isn’t it?”
His tone is light, but the tightness in his jaw and the way his shoulders are tense give away how uncomfortable he is.
“Yeah, couldn’t sleep,” I lie. “Have fun tonight with August and Tripp?”
“Uh, yeah.” His brow furrows. “How did you know where I was?”
“Don’t you remember the tracker I put on your phone when you started?”
Ash kicks off his shoes, all the while giving me a perturbed look. “Sorry, did you just crack a joke?”
I chuckle. “Maybe I did.”
Then, as if he’s realizing what’s playing, his eyes lift to the record player before coming back to me. “Is that Sleep Token?”
“I don’t know. Is it?”
“What is happening right now?” Rounding the couch, he steps farther into the living room until he’s standing in front of the record player. “Where did you get this?”
“Ordered it online.”
A small smirk pulls on the corner of his mouth as he glances over at me. “But why?”
Shrugging, I say, “You talked about how good they were. Wanted to check ’em out for myself.”
Ash walks over to the dry bar, grabbing a beer out of the mini fridge before he sits on the edge of the couch. “And? What’s the verdict, grandpa?”
“Grandpa?”
“Yeah, you’ve got the music taste of a grandpa.”
“Hardly,” I scoff.
“Answer the question.” Holding my gaze, he brings the bottle to his lips and takes a long pull.
“Not bad,” I reply nonchalantly, chuckling when his face scrunches up.
“Not bad?” he parrots, disapproval lacing the two words. “Sleep Token is way more than not bad . They take everything you thought you knew about music and make it sound familiar while simultaneously turning it upside down in the most unexpected and beautiful way. Listening to their albums from start to finish will not only tell you a story, but have your emotions being pulled in every direction. It will exhaust you in the best way possible.”
The depth with which he talks about this band is adorable, but also impressive.
“They will have you feeling happiness, sadness, anger, and even tears. Their music will thrust a hand into your chest and rip out your heart, all while you say thank you.” He exhales a heavy breath before he finishes with, “They’re so much more than not bad .”
I bite down on the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. His passion is a turn-on. “Okay, I’m sorry.” Holding my hands up, I add, “You’re right. Their music is incredible. I’ve enjoyed listenin’ to it all evenin’.”
Brow cocked, Ash studies me for a moment. “Really?” he drawls, voice full of skepticism.
“Yes.” I nod. “I bought a couple of their records, actually.”
“You did? Which ones?” Rising off the couch, he walks over to my collection of records, and I move to do the same.
Standing this close to him, I can easily inhale the fresh, rich scent of him. Images flash through my mind of the night we shared, then the next morning. The way his skin smelled, the way it tasted. The way his lips felt when we kissed. And the sounds he made. Goosebumps raise on my arms, remembering the whimpering, the moaning, the deep-throated groans. I’ve replayed those memories every single day since, wanting nothing more than to repeat them, to do more.
I want to do things with Ash that I never imagined I’d want to do with any man. I want to know what his cum tastes like, how it feels to sink into his sweet ass, and maybe even how it feels to have him do the same to me. Would I let him do that? Would I like it? I think the answer to both might be yes, and that thought sends a flutter through my stomach.
“This is a great album,” Ash mutters, holding up one of the record cases as he flicks his mismatched gaze to mine.
“Maybe we can listen to that one tomorrow night,” I suggest. “And you can tell me your favorite songs.”
He sets the record back where he found it before turning to face me, crossing his arms over his chest and watching me with a weary look. “What’s going on with you?”
I breathe out a chuckle. “What do ya mean?”
“I mean, you’re all…” Ash waves a hand toward me, seemingly trying to find his words. “Friendly tonight. It’s weird.”
“Weird, huh?” Amusement fills me as I watch his brow furrow.
“Yeah. What’s gotten into you?”
Taking a step toward him, Ash sucks in a breath. “You,” I reply, voice deep and gravelly. “You’ve gotten into my head, and I can’t seem to get you out.”
His throat bobs on a swallow. “Is that so?”
“Mmhmmm.” I take another step, putting me nearly flush with him. We’re so close I can feel the heat from his breath. See the way his pupils dilate. “And it’s a little annoying, since you seem to be doing everything in your power to ignore me.”
“That’s not true,” he rasps.
“Bullshit.”
Gaze dancing between my eyes and my mouth, Ash says, “We’ve both been busy.”
My hand comes up, wrapping around the front of his throat as I shift us so his back is against the cabinet the record player sits on. My grip isn’t tight, but it’s enough to have his eyes widening. Bringing my lips to his ear, I ask in a low tone, “Do you really believe a word you just said? Or do you just not want to admit you’ve been avoiding me?”
His pulse races under my touch, breath coming out in harsh pants. “Why does it matter?” he finally asks after a long, quiet moment.
“Because you’re drivin’ me crazy,” I growl, pulling back enough to look into his eyes. “And I want to know.”
The air around us is thick with tension, and I can feel how hard his heart is beating. It matches my own. He doesn’t respond, but he doesn’t have to; he’s saying everything he needs to with his eyes. I’m driving him just as wild. The time we shared the other day is on his mind too, and I’m willing to bet he enjoyed it as much as I did. So, why is he avoiding me?
I couldn’t say who moves first, but one minute we’re gazing at each other silently, and the next our lips are fused together, moving in synchrony. Our tongues clash as the kiss quickly consumes me. Ash’s hands find the front of my shirt, clinging to it with two tight fists, and the hand I’ve got wrapped around his neck snakes around to the back, holding him in place as I deepen the kiss.
The blood in my body rushes south, my cock swelling with every swipe of his tongue against mine. The kiss is messy. It’s needy. It’s dripping with a raw type of passion I haven’t experienced with anybody else before.
And it’s over way too soon.
Ash shoves me back, eyes flashing with anger. “Stop. We can’t fucking do this.”
“Why not?” My brows dip in confusion. “Violet and I aren’t together anymore.”
Laughing dryly, he drags his fingers through his hair. “Nice of you to finally tell me that.”
“You knew?”
“Yeah, asshole,” he scoffs. “My sister told me. But my question is, why didn’t you tell me?”
I fold my arms over my chest. “Well, I haven’t exactly had the chance since you’ve been avoidin’ me.”
“You could’ve told me before you got into bed with me, Finn, and you know it.”
Swallowing my pride, I say, “You’re right. I should’ve told you before anything happened between us. I’m sorry.”
A puzzled expression passes over his face, like he wasn’t expecting me to own up to it. But as quickly as it’s there, it’s gone, and his features harden. Stepping to the side so as to not be boxed in by me anymore, he mutters, “I appreciate that, but it doesn’t change anything.” My stomach bottoms out, disappointment filling me in a way I didn’t expect. “Violet’s my sister, and she’d be hurt if she knew about any of this. I can’t do that to her. Besides, you’re my boss, and it’s probably smart for us to not muddle that line any more than we already have. We need to pump the brakes.”
I hate this. A bitter taste fills my mouth as I try to think of what I can say to change his mind. Ash has been flirting with me—subtly and not—for weeks, and when I finally figure out I want to pursue something, he wants to pump the brakes ?
“I don’t want to pump the damn brakes,” I spit out. “It’s not like Violet and I were together for that long. We weren’t serious; I highly doubt she’d care all that much.”
“To you,” he counters.
“What?”
“It may not have been serious to you,” he explains. “But it was for her, and she’s quite upset over the breakup. I’m not doing that to her, Finn. It was a mistake on my part. One that can’t happen again.”
A mistake. Ouch.
Watching Ash, with his shoulders rolled back and his face free of any emotion, I can see his resolve. He means what he says, and he’s clearly shut down. I doubt anything I say will make a difference, and I meant what I said before—I don’t beg.
Nodding once, I take a step back, ignoring the sting that comes with putting distance between us. “Okay.”
His brows crease as he repeats slowly, “Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. She’s your sister, and I respect your decision, even if I don’t agree with it.”
He swallows, nodding as well. “And this won’t affect my job here?”
I hate that he feels like he has to ask that, that he must think so little of me that he assumes I can’t separate the two. “Course not, Ash.”
Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he peers over at me for a moment like there’s more he wants to say. “Okay, thank you.” He hooks a thumb over his shoulder. “Think I’ll head to bed. It’s late.”
“Yup.” I nod as my stomach clenches. “Night.”
I watch him disappear down the hallway, and I can’t help but realize how this stings much more than my actual breakup did. Which doesn’t make any damn sense since Ash and I barely got started with whatever it was between us. But goddamn, if there isn’t a dull ache in the center of my chest as I turn off all the lights and pad into my room, climbing into bed.
What the hell is up with that?