Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
ZARA
I never should have answered the phone. That was my first mistake.
My second was not hanging up the moment I realized he was alive and wasn’t in mortal peril.
But I didn’t do either of those things. No, I stayed on the phone and listened as he berated me for my childish behavior, reminding me that I asked for this and that all this negative attention was my fault. He didn’t ask for a divorce after all. I did.
Are you trying to make me jealous, Zara? Is that what this little stunt is all about?
The stunt he was referring to isn’t the tour I’m currently on, although he is still plenty pissed about that. His parents were forced to issue our divorce announcement early because of it. I doubt anyone but their rich, snobby friends gave a shit.
No, what was sparking this current tirade was the internet footage he’d seen of Hendrix and me, arm in arm, as he helped me into one of the cars that night we went to the club in Nashville.
I think it’s gained some popularity over the past few days because Hendrix has also received some attention thanks to a viral video.
I haven’t seen the video that caused all the fuss, but Elena told me about it.
Something about a behind-the-scenes tour Darius did for his social media that attracted a lot of attention after he caught Hendrix without a shirt.
It doesn’t surprise me. That man is cut like a fine Greek statue. It does, however, make me slightly jealous knowing millions of women are drooling over him. Will he change his mind about our arrangement when he realizes he can have his pick of practically anyone?
It’s those feelings of uncertainty, piled onto years of emotional baggage Tanner just dug up, that have me canceling my plans with Hendrix. I don’t even give him a reason why.
What is wrong with me?
Instead of sending a follow-up text to apologize for my abruptness, like I should be doing, I instead toss my phone onto the bed and hopelessly stare into the hotel mirror.
If I hadn’t answered his phone call, I would have used this mirror to check my makeup and accessorize the cute dress I picked out. If he hadn’t called, I’d be smiling at the woman staring back at me.
But right now, when I look at her, all I see is failure.
I see a woman who was taught to be fierce, yet she allowed a man to make her feel weak.
A woman who became so fragile that she blamed herself for her husband’s mistakes.
A woman who believed she was too smart to ever fall for someone like him.
What if I’m just making the same mistake? After everything I went through, can I learn to trust someone else? Can I trust myself?
A knock at the door interrupts my doom spiral. I freeze, uncertain whether to answer it. I didn’t order room service, and it’s too late in the day for anything else.
“Zara?” I hear Hendrix’s concerned voice, and without hesitation, I walk toward the door to unlock it. I pull it open and see him scan me from head to toe, checking for injuries or illness, no doubt.
“Hi,” I say, fidgeting with the hem of my sweatshirt. I hadn’t even gotten dressed before Tanner called. I probably look like an absolute mess, with my frizzy, air-dried hair and the oversized basketball sweatshirt I stole from my dad last Thanksgiving.
“Hi,” he replies. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I say a little too quickly. “No. Maybe?”
“Can I come in?” His words are so hesitant, as if he’s speaking to a baby deer. God, it’s me. I’m the fucking deer.
I nod, my eyes sweeping over his tall frame as he passes by me. He looks so damn good. Dressed in black jeans and a T-shirt, his outfit is downright elegant compared to mine.
He settles into one of the overstuffed chairs across from the bed. I’m not sure if he’s offering me space or simply needs some of his own, but I take the bed anyway, crossing my legs as I face him.
“I’m sorry for—”
He raises a hand in the air. “I didn’t come here for an apology, Zara.”
“Okay, but you deserve one.”
“You know, my mom once told me that women are basically conditioned from birth to apologize for everything,” he says. “Regardless of who is at fault.”
“And why did your mom tell you this?”
He chuckles. “Don’t worry. It wasn’t because she was correcting my behavior,” he says, and then shrugs.
“Although she probably wouldn’t like the way I interrupted you just now.
That was rude of me. She has three sons, so she’s always made it her mission to ensure we’re decent human beings. Decent men.”
“And that’s why you won’t let me apologize for canceling a date?”
“Okay, I can see you’re gonna make this difficult for me.
How about this? Story Time.” A small smile curves his lips, and I love that after all these years, this is still our thing.
“One bright summer day, you’re walking down the street on the way to the grocery store.
You’re minding your business, and up ahead, there’s a guy.
He’s on his phone, doing whatever…and isn’t paying attention to what’s ahead of him.
You try to step aside, but Phone Dude moves at the same time and slams into you.
He looks up. Your eyes meet. What do you do? ”
“Story Time doesn’t involve questions.”
“Humor me,” he replies.
“I…” My initial reaction is to say I would obviously give that guy a piece of my mind and tell him to watch where he is going, but then a memory pops into my head.
Tanner and I are at a charity gala. I feel like a fish out of water.
The dress his mom picked out for me is heavy, and the shoes are too tight.
Everyone keeps congratulating Tanner on finishing his residency.
They say nothing to me. We’re heading to the bar so Tanner can refill his drink, when a man knocks into me from behind. Pain tears into my shoulder.
I look up. “Fucking hell,” the man curses, glancing at his stained jacket. I clutch my injured shoulder as he looks at me expectantly.
I glance over at Tanner, hoping he’ll say something, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t stand up for me or ask if I’m okay. Suddenly, I feel embarrassed. “I’m so sorry. It was entirely my fault.” I say.
And the worst part is, I believe it.
The words must be clearly written all over my face, because Hendrix doesn’t wait for me to respond.
“I know you want to apologize for canceling on me, but there’s no need,” he says, his voice low and full of emotion. “I know you wouldn’t have done so if there wasn’t a good reason.”
“Are you sure?”
He grins. “My mom also taught me this other valuable lesson, probably more than once, since I was a little shit growing up. It’s this crazy notion that the world doesn’t revolve around me. Crazy, right?”
I can’t help but laugh.
I’m starting to think I’d like his mom.
“It comes in handy in certain situations, like, say, for instance, when you get a vague text from a woman canceling a date.” I grimace, biting my bottom lip.
I feel that instant need to apologize again.
Jesus, maybe his mom is on to something, after all.
“Someone else might assume they did something to cause the cancelation, while I can take a moment, rationalize that it’s not always about me, and realize you might just be having a bad day. ”
This is where you tell him about your bad day, Zara.
He stares back at me, patiently waiting for me to respond. He doesn’t say it, but I get the feeling he would sit there for however long I need, just soaking in the silence while I find the courage to talk.
This man is nothing like Tanner.
In my heart of hearts, I know this to be true. And yet, when I think about taking this leap with him, opening up to him about my mistakes and the fears that cling to me because of it, it feels scarier than any kind of physical attachment we could form.
“Tanner called,” I begin, and I see his posture stiffen just ever so slightly.
“Like most of our conversations lately, it was less than cordial. He accused me of trying to make him jealous and said that even though we are divorced, I will always be attached to his family, and I would do well to remember that.”
“What the hell does that mean?” The gentle-natured Hendrix has vanished. He leans forward in his seat, his hands clenched into fists.
“Just that I am expected to carry myself with decorum and that gallivanting around the country with a bunch of rock stars—”
“Or perhaps one specific rock star?”
I nod. “Yes. He did mention the video of us in front of the hotel last week.”
Hendrix rolls his eyes. “Decorum? The absolute hypocrisy of that family, I swear.”
“What do you mean?”
He tilts his head and gives me a curious expression. “Tanner used to hang out at our house from time to time during college. I overheard some wild shit during those four years.”
“Like what?”
“Let’s see.” He taps his fingers against his thigh. “Tanner got caught sleeping with a professor during our junior year. And his dad had to pay off a lot of people to keep it quiet.”
My chest tightens. Not from jealousy. I fell out of love with that man a long time ago. It’s more to do with how much I didn’t know about him and how well he hid it from me. “Honestly, nothing surprises me about that man anymore.”
“So I’m guessing you know about his dad’s affair?”
“No, but it wouldn’t shock me to learn that he had one.”
“Oh, I’m sure he’s had several, but this one was with a campaign staffer? And he also got caught. Not very stealthy, those Prices.”
I stare at him blankly. “What? When?”
He gives me a pensive gaze. “Uh, well, the band was just starting to make a name for itself, so maybe two years after I graduated.”
“That would have been a year for me.” And exactly one year into med school. Right when things started to get serious between Tanner and me. “Why didn’t he ever tell me? It seems like something you would share with your girlfriend, right?”
“I don’t think Edwin was even supposed to tell me,” Hendrix confesses.
“He heard it from his dad and just couldn’t help himself when it came to that sort of thing.
He loved spreading others’ misfortunes, and at the time, it sounded like Senator Price was on the outs, but he must have cut some sort of deal or got people to look the other way, because the truth never came out. ”
This news settles uneasily in my gut. I didn’t start dating Tanner until after I stopped tutoring him, and even after that, he kept things casual. I knew his reputation, so I didn’t think it would become anything more. But then, something changed, and almost overnight, he wanted to be exclusive.
I thought I was special.
I thought he was special.
But maybe it was just a lie.