Chapter 7
Toby was tenacious, stubborn, and incredibly focused.
Jake knew that. He admired those qualities in Toby, he seriously did.
Sometimes the way Toby attacked a problem left Jake in awe—and sometimes left him scared shitless that this time, Toby was throwing himself at a beast that he couldn’t take down.
So far, against monsters, his studies, and every other obstacle, Toby had always come out on top.
If Jake had to rank the top three reasons why he was honest-to-God in love with Toby, one of them would be Toby’s capacity to latch onto a problem and fight it until it was salted, burned, and in its grave.
He just wished that this particular topic wasn’t something that Toby had targeted with that same laser focus and unremitting force.
“This Thursday we should do it,” Toby said, eyes locked on the newspaper spread out over the table in the motel’s breakfast room.
They were pretty sure about what was causing the unnatural deaths of middle-aged men with fairly exotic porn subscriptions, but Toby still checked the local paper every morning to make sure that there were no new deaths, which would play merry hell with their pattern.
“The job will be done, we’ll still have the hotel room, hospital’s nearby, and occupancy here is pretty low, so I don’t think we’ll have to worry about anyone getting concerned and interrupting.
It’s perfect.” He circled a name in the obits with more force than necessary, and Jake barely stopped himself from growling.
“Toby, no.” Okay, maybe that came out with more irritation than he had planned.
Toby’s head snapped up to meet Jake’s eyes, challenge in every line of his body. “No, what?”
The funny thing was that if it hadn’t been this topic, seeing Toby all assertive and refusing to accept a denial, would have had Jake hot under the collar and ready to pull Toby into a dark corner. “Just . . . no.”
Toby folded up his paper, every movement deliberate and sharp-edged. “You’re saying you won’t fuck me.”
Jake leaned back in his squeaky plastic chair and surveyed the room. The only other person present was a maid, determinedly sweeping crushed cereal off the floor.
Miles City, Montana’s Americ-Inn was one of the deadest motels Jake had ever seen—and that included the motel in Spokane that had actually been haunted by the dead.
Actually, that one had been much livelier.
The nearly complete lack of customers here was one of the reasons Toby thought that this was the perfect place to “take the next step.” While that reasoning made Jake sick to his stomach, he had to admit to being grateful that no one else was around to hear this particular conversation.
“I’m saying that we are not having butt sex as long as you have this fucked-up idea about it.
” Jake tried to keep his voice down. The last thing he wanted was for one of the few motel guests to walk in and hear him shouting at Toby about this.
If there was any right way to take this conversation, he didn’t know it.
“So you won’t fuck me.”
“Fuck, Toby.” That came out loud enough that the maid looked over, then immediately dropped her attention back to her sweeping. Jake could feel her listening. He leaned over the table. “Just drop it.”
A muscle jumped in Toby’s jaw. “Look, I realize that you don’t want to hurt me, I love that, I love you for that, but listen to me—” Toby leaned in, his body language and expression urgent, and Jake reluctantly shut his mouth.
“I’m not actually fragile, okay? I know there’ve been times, usually .
. . out, when I have to deal with people, that I’ve given you that idea, but this—this is the kind of thing I’m actually best at handling, okay? Like I do on a hunt.”
“Sex is not like a hunt,” Jake said, feeling both exhausted and ready to put his fist through the window.
“Right,” Toby said, a little too quickly. “I get that there’s no monster. There’ll just be the two of us. But it takes some of the same—what I mean is that I’m good at handling a lot of pain and keeping my focus on the end goal.”
“Goddamn it!” Jake smacked the table with his hand, and Toby flinched back.
It made Jake angry at himself as well as at those unspoken motherfuckers who were the whole reason Toby talked so matter-of-factly, almost proudly, about his ability to handle a lot of pain.
“Toby, this is exactly what I’m talking about, this is exactly the problem.
How many times do I have to tell you that it doesn’t hurt if you do it right? ”
He was definitely at full volume and climbing.
Every time this had come up (Toby had gotten more persistent since his eighteenth birthday), Jake could feel himself losing control of the conversation way too fast. Toby’s line of argument made him sick, and angry, and desperate for a drink, all in a tangled-up mess that he didn’t want to think about.
Jake especially didn’t want to think about how Toby still believed that Jake might hurt him just because it might feel good for Jake.
Toby was still leaning away from him, but the thinly veiled anger in his eyes was a match for Jake’s own.
“Jake, I know you’d never hurt someone .
. . for fun. I’m sure you never hu-hurt anyone b-badly in bed, and no one’s complained”—his tone said, Why would they, if they were with you?
—“but that doesn’t change the f-fact you don’t know w-what you’re talking about. ”
Jake wanted to strangle him. In a loving and completely meta-fucking-phorical way.
“Toby, I do know what I’m talking about.
” Yup, that was getting too loud. The maid was watching them now, eyes wide, expression torn between delight and shock.
Jake smiled at her and hoped it was the please-don’t-mind-us smile, not the you-come-closer-and-I’ll-bite smile.
“Jake, I kn-know you have more experience in doing this than I do, but you’ve n-never—”
“Toby, fuck, I’ve done it, I’ve been there, I’ve taken it up the ass, and it was fine. So fucking stop already!”
When Toby froze, his face drained of color and his eyes wide in shock, Jake realized he could have mentioned that fact in a slightly more tactful way.
* * *
Toby didn’t know whether he was immobilized because Jake was rewriting a major piece of his reality, or from ice-cold rage (he would hunt down and gut the people who hurt Jake) pulsing through his veins.
Probably both. So he breathed slowly, containing himself until he could verify that he had heard that right. Until he could be sure he wouldn’t grab Jake and either shake him or never let go.
He licked his lips and spoke very carefully. “Jake. You’ve . . . been . . .”
“Yes, Toby, I’ve been fucked, okay? One second.” Jake held up a finger and pushed up from his chair.
For a sick second, Toby thought that Jake was leaving.
He couldn’t deal with the conversation, so he was going to leave Toby here with their cold continental breakfast until he could bear to look at Toby again.
Toby’s thoughts spun with free-wheeling anxiety and dread, but Jake didn’t go any farther than the woman cleaning in the corner.
“Hey,” Jake said. “This is kind of a private thing, could you just . . . leave for a while? Thanks.” He pressed a bill into her hand. The woman raised her eyebrows at him, but picked up her broom and left without a word, one last glance thrown over her shoulder as she closed the door behind her.
Jake turned back, pushing a hand through his hair, and returned to the table to slump into his chair.
“Okay,” he said. “If we’re going to have this conversation, let’s have it.”
Toby took a deep, shaky breath, hands clenching on the edge of the table. He could almost hear the cheap plywood and plastic creaking under his grip. “You . . . you’ve been penetrated.”
“Yes.” Jake huffed. “I prefer pitching, but I’ve tried catching and got my rocks off just the same.”
“How many . . .” How many people hurt you. How many times.
“A few. I got around, Toby, before you. There was this guy that I started with in Oklahoma, made it pretty easy, and a few one-night stands since. And if we’re not just talking .
. .” Jake took a big breath and pushed it out again, throwing him an uneasy glance, “dicks, then there’s been a couple girls too.
With strap-ons.” Jake shrugged. Every word and gesture was wary, like he expected Toby to explode at any second.
Toby carefully did not say what he wanted to say: Give me their names so I can kill them all. “And—it didn’t hurt?”
“Nah.” Then Jake reconsidered, shrugged. “Okay, so a couple times it started out awkward, and I’d rather not do it again unless it’s with someone I trusted a hell of a lot.” He met Toby’s eyes. “I trust you, Toby. Do you trust me?”
Toby swallowed hard. “Jake, you know I—”
“No, Toby, do you trust me not to hurt you? Ever?”
“Jake, you don’t—”
“No, Toby, I think I do understand. What I understand is that you’re in completely the wrong headspace for this to be our next move this week.
” Jake grabbed his hand, and Toby almost jumped, startled by the contact.
“Toby, if you really want us to start going in that direction, okay, fine, but let’s start with me.
I’ll show you how to prep me, step by step.
I will be splayed out for you and begging, like I would be for no one else, because I trust you absolutely.
But there’s no way in hell I’m sticking my dick up your ass when you think I’m going to rip it apart! ”