24. Lennon
24
LENNON
“M
ail’s here!” Reed, one of the ranch hands, shouted up the stairs.
I groaned and burrowed into CJ’s chest. “It’s too fucking early.”
The chest beneath me rumbled with laughter. “It’s nine in the morning.”
The yawn was inevitable. “And I was at work until two in the morning.”
The lodge had held a wedding that lasted until midnight. Of course, the restaurant was the exclusive caterer. So, we had to stay to break down the dinner setup and wash the dishes so they’d be ready for a corporate dinner tonight.
“Sleep,” CJ said as he pressed a kiss to my forehead and stroked my hair.
When I was in CJ’s arms, any worries I had about sleeping in the same bed as another person vanished. They were safe and soothing. His chest was my favorite place in the world.
We held each other in a tangle of limbs and bedding, soaking in the quiet morning since we had both worked overnight. His fingers traced gentle lines up and down my hip as our breathing steadied to match each other.
A fist pounded on the door, shattering the sweetness of the moment. “Chef! You got mail!”
“I got it,” CJ murmured as he nibbled on my earlobe.
“I can get up,” I said as I peeled the covers back.
“Absolutely not.” CJ grabbed a pair of sweatpants and stepped into them. “Do you see what you’re wearing? No way in hell I’m letting the guys look at you.” He bent over the bed and pecked my lips. “You’re all mine.”
“Neanderthal,” I snickered as I tugged the covers up to my chin and rolled onto my side.
CJ opened the door and grabbed the mail from Reed, then slammed it in his face.
“That’s enough interruptions,” CJ said as he climbed back into bed.
I stretched against him, curling my fingers and toes like a cat basking in the sun. “Well, now I’m awake. How was your night?”
He sighed. “A calf was born early and the momma rejected it. We’ve got him in the barn. Looks like he’ll be bottle-fed for a while.”
“And that’s it? He’ll live in the barn for the rest of his life?”
“Nah, we can usually reintroduce them to the herd. It’s just a slow process.” CJ sifted through the mail. He put his aside on the nightstand and handed me an envelope. “You wanna go check him out in a little bit? I’ll teach you how to feed him.”
“You’re trying to bribe me into hanging out somewhere outside of this room and the restaurant.”
“Is it working?” he murmured against the back of my neck. “Calves are pretty cute.”
“We’ll see,” I grumbled as I turned the envelope over in my hands. The letter had no return address, but the postmark came from New York.
“What’s that?” CJ asked as he settled behind me.
“Dunno.” I wedged my thumb into the fold and tore it open. “Probably my tax forms from my old job.”
But the familiar sight of obnoxious IRS forms wasn’t what I pulled out of the envelope. A chicken-scratch scrawl made every molecule of oxygen in my body vanish.
I couldn’t breathe as I read the words that had only been said once before.
Blood is thicker than water. I have eyes everywhere.
See you soon, Sis.
“The hell?” CJ eased up and peered over my shoulder. He grabbed the page out of my hand and scanned it as I fought to breathe.
I expected him to storm out and threaten to kill someone. I expected him to call in the cavalry and go to war.
But he dropped the letter.
My vision went sparkly as it fluttered to the wood floor. CJ set the envelope aside, rolled me over, and pulled me into his chest.
“Breathe for me,” he said as he cradled the back of my head. “I’ve got you, Len.”
His palm sliding up and down my back in gentle rhythms was calming. He held me like I deserved to be protected. Like I was valuable.
“We dug the fire line, remember? That doesn’t mean the fire won’t happen. But it means that you don’t have to face it alone. I’m right here with you. I’m on your side.”
“I knew this was too good to be true,” I said in choked out syllables between ragged breaths.
“It’s not too good to be true.” CJ pressed a kiss to the top of my head as my world came crumbling down. “You know why?” He tipped my chin up. “Because he’s wrong.”
I pressed my forehead to his chest to keep my tears from showing.
I knew this day would come. It had always been inevitable. I had just been hoping I could buy a little more time with CJ before I had to disappear.
“He got the saying wrong.” CJ’s calloused thumb worked across my cheeks as he wiped the tears away. “It’s not ‘blood is thicker than water.’ It’s ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.’”
Slowly, my lashes raised until I met hazel eyes staring down at me with inexplicable love.
“It’s not where you’re born or who you’re related to, Len. It’s who you choose.” His lips met mine in a kiss so soft it rivaled the heavens. “And I choose you.”
CJ held me for the longest time. After a while, he dozed off, exhausted from his night of work. But I couldn’t sleep.
Anxiety and adrenaline crawled up my skin like centipedes, making me uncomfortable in my own body.
I wanted to run.
I wanted to hide.
I wanted to keep him safe from my chaos. From my ugliness. From my darkness.
CJ was out like a light when I slipped out of his bed. I dressed for the outdoors and toed on a pair of sneakers.
The bunkhouse was empty as I snuck out into the late afternoon sun. I would have given anything to be able to clock in at the restaurant. But, of course, it was my day off.
I wanted to bury myself in work. Hell, I would have been perfectly happy going in and deep-cleaning the walk-in cooler and freezer.
Instead, I found myself walking away from the restaurant and toward the barn. The smell of hay and feed warmed me as dust danced in the beams of light that poured inside.
At the sound of unfamiliar shoes, Independence and Anarchy peered out of their stalls.
Indy sniffed around my shoulder while Anarchy glared at me for waking her from her beauty sleep.
“Are we going to be friends or are you going to be an asshole?” I asked Anny as I carefully approached her stall. I held my hand out flat, the way CJ had taught me, and waited to see if she was going to give it a sniff.
Maybe it was because she could still smell CJ on my skin, but she dropped her head right into my hand and nuzzled against me.
“You know, I’ve always believed that animals are good judges of character.”
I jumped back as Ray Griffith wheeled into the barn with a toddler on his lap.
“I was just passing through,” I clipped.
Ray’s eyes fell on the jacket I had slipped into.
I yanked it off and tied it around my waist. I really needed to stop wearing it. CJ’s jacket was like playing dress-up—an ill-fitting dream that I had no business prancing around in.
“Hi!” the little boy squeaked. “Color you?”
“What?”
Ray grinned. “It’s kind of a thing around here. If you have tattoos, the youngins think you’re a human coloring book.” He reached out and showed off his own sleeves of messily scribbled-over tattoos. “Welcome to the club.”
I looked down at my arms, then back at the kid, laughing nervously as I stepped to the side so I could bolt.
“Since you’re here, do you mind giving me a hand?” Ray asked. “Seth wanted to see the new calf.”
“I—I don’t do the live cows,” I stammered as I looked around. “I cook them.”
He let out a loud laugh and pointed to the wooden door that was two spaces down from Anarchy. “I meant, could you open the stall?”
“Oh.” I hurried over and slid back the latch. Sure enough, there was an adorable little rust-colored calf curled up in the stall.
“I’m a little surprised CJ isn’t down here.”
“He worked last night,” I said without thinking.
Great. Now everyone would know I was somehow privy to CJ’s work schedule.
Ray positioned his wheelchair in the stall door and held his son’s hand as he wiggled down to get a better look at the calf. He kept the little boy at a safe distance from the animal, but the excitement was written on both of their faces.
“I’d usually find CJ spending the night in the stall,” Ray said as he popped his son back up on his lap. “I was surprised he went back to the bunkhouse.”
“Len.”
I whirled around and found CJ standing behind me.
“And speak of the devil,” Ray said with an amused smirk.
“EeeeeeeJ!” Seth squealed.
CJ laughed and reached out for his nephew, propping him up on his hip. CJ tipped his head to me. “Seth can’t say ‘CJ’ yet. Eeeeeej is the best we can do.”
“Eeeeeeej! Cow!”
CJ smiled from ear to ear. “I know. He’s just a baby. Did your dad and Len give you a look?”
“Len! Cow!” he shrieked.
“Shhhhh,” CJ said. “You’ll wake him up. Wanna help Len and me feed him?”
Seth nodded.
“Alright, but you gotta be real quiet so you don’t scare him,” CJ said. “Can Lennon hold you while I fix his bottle?”
Two little hands reached for me.
My eyes widened. “I’ve never held a kid.”
I expected Ray to take his son back after my little confession, but he just laughed. “If Cassandra can hold him, so can you.”
“Aunt?” Seth said.
“Cassandra is your aunt,” I said as I awkwardly took him from CJ and mimicked the hip-holding position.
Seth shook his head and stabbed me in the forehead with his finger. “Aunt.”
“I’m not your aunt,” I said, then pointed to myself. “My name is Lennon.”
“Aunt,” Seth declared.
Ray choked on a laugh.
“Good job, buddy,” CJ said as he filled a bottle and carried it over. “That’s your Aunt Lennon.”
I glared at him, and that motherfucker smiled.
CJ slipped into the stall. After checking over the calf, he motioned for me to come in.
The little calf was standing in the hay, wary of all the newcomers. CJ stood over him, straddling the animal. I watched as he braced his hand under the calf’s head to lift it and eased the bottle’s nipple into its mouth.
Seth gasped as the calf freaked out and shuffled back in the corner of the stall. But CJ was calm. He moved with the calf until it had nowhere to run.
Slowly, the little guy started chewing and sucking on the nipple.
“Seth, you wanna come give him a pat?”
Seth wiggled until I set him down. He grabbed my hand and tugged. “Aunt. Pat cow.”
I walked over with Seth and knelt as he placed a chubby toddler’s hand on the calf’s rust-colored coat.
“Gentle,” I said softly when Seth got a little grabby.
CJ’s crinkle-cornered eyes met mine with a smile.
Since we were already down there, I gave the calf a gentle pat. CJ manipulated the animal with gentle hands, making sure it focused on eating and not the strange environment or weird people staring as it ate.
Seth’s attention span waned quickly, and he waddled out to his dad.
“See y’all at family dinner,” Ray called as he wheeled out with Seth.
I raised an eyebrow at CJ. “You’re supposed to be asleep.”
“You think I slept at all?” he said, keeping his voice gentle. “Honey, I didn’t sleep a wink. I wanted to hold you. And when I felt you get up, I knew you needed your space. So, I watched out the window to make sure you were okay.”
“Anarchy didn’t bite me, so that’s good,” I clipped, trying to hide the tears that pricked at my eyes.
CJ chuckled. “I think it’s because she knows you bite back.” When the bottle was empty, he set it on the top ledge of the stall wall. “I’m glad you came out here.”
“Why?” I asked as I watched the little calf curl up in the hay.
CJ pulled me into his chest. “Because it’s always been my safe place. I want it to be yours too.” He cupped my cheeks, wiped my tears, and kissed me. “I got in trouble a lot as a kid,” he said as he sat down and tugged me into his lap. “I’d come out here and sit with the animals. When my brother, Nate, got hurt overseas, I came out here after my parents told me. When Christian’s first wife died, this was where I grieved. When Ray got hurt, this place was my altar. The animals will never tell how much you cry.” He pressed a soft kiss to my temple. “And neither will I.”