11. Parenting Hurts
11
Parenting Hurts
I was wondering why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-Unknown
Dylan
I actually was enjoying the ice bath today.
Not because my muscles ached. Not because of practice or the lack there of. And definitely not because I liked ice baths.
No. It was because I could actually rest. I was tired and the ice bath was the first place all day that no one had bothered me.
I had no idea just how little babies slept. How the hell did anyone get anything done with a baby? How did they function without coffee? I’d never felt so tired in all my life and it had only been one night so far. Thank God it was a bye week so we didn’t have a heavy practice today. I’d been able to get by with a light workout and some extra time in the medical area with the trainers, and now the ice bath was quiet and more relaxing than I’d ever experienced.
I might even fall asleep.
The idea that this might be all the sleep I would have for the day was rather daunting. Raising Ellie wasn’t going to be easy.
But at least I would have Natalie.
She’d popped into my thoughts all day, even more than Ellie. I kept wondering what she and Ellie were up to. I wondered if she would stay for dinner tonight- and then that led me to all sorts of other thoughts that did not help my football playing skills. It was a good thing that I didn’t have my phone on me during practice or I would have messaged her multiple times.
“Time to get out, Callahan,” one of the physical trainers, Sara, called out. “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
With a groan, I pulled myself from the cold water, suddenly feeling the ice creaking through my bones. Perhaps I wasn’t as comfortable as I had thought I was. The towel around my waist was scratchy, which, considering how much money was spent on medical stuff for the team, surprised me, I wandered back into the locker room and nearly turned around and walked back to the ice bath.
I could hear the voices of two men talking in the locker room. Marcus Johnson, the quarterback, and Cameron Right, the center. I would have said they were my best friends last season, but since the accident, it seemed liked they both were avoiding me. Given how I was dragging down the team, I couldn’t blame them.
Marcus and Cameron were the only ones left in the locker room. The two of them were having a quiet conversation, but I could hear enough of the conversation to know what it was about. I hung back behind the door, hating that I wanted to hear what they were saying about me.
“He’s not off the team,” Marcus said. “But he’s only safe from being cut because Coach put him on medical leave. Once he’s off medical, they’re going to have to whittle the team numbers down and he’s not looking like he’s worth the price. We’re better off with a rookie like Franklin. At least he seems to want to show up to practice.”
“Yeah, he couldn’t catch a cold today,” Cameron agreed. The big man sighed. “I don’t know what happened to him. He used to catch everything.”
“The hit last season did something to him,” Marcus replied, stuffing clothes in a gym bag. “He snapped his wrist and it snapped his confidence. And he won’t do anything about it except tell me that I’m throwing it wrong. It’s not my fault he can’t catch a damn thing.”
I winced. He was right. I’d been blaming him for bad throws, but everyone else seemed able to catch them. I was the problem and I knew it. I just didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t keep the ball in my hands.
I also knew I couldn’t afford to get hit like I did last year. I couldn’t afford to be injured like that again.
Panic started to swirl in the pit of my stomach. I had to get off the medical list and back on the team roster. Football was the only thing I had ever been good at. Not math or music or writing. I wasn’t even that great of a runner, but put a ball in my hands, and I suddenly could figure out patterns, read plays, and sprint like I had wings on my feet. Football was the only thing that made my life make sense.
The idea of not having football was terrifying. There was nothing left in my life without it.
I stepped back into the hallway and coughed just loud enough to make it echo before heading into the locker room. Marcus and Cameron both greeted me like they hadn’t just been discussing my future, or rather the lack thereof.
“You okay, man?” Cameron asked as I went to my locker and pulled out dry clothes. “You were with the medics all day.”
“My wrist,” I replied. It wasn’t a total lie. It ached most of the time. The doctors said that with the severity of the break, I would probably always have a little bit of pain, but it was the memory of the pain that kept me awake at night.
Well, that and a three-month-old baby that insisted on being fed at two A.M. And three A.M. And four A.M.
“I’ve been feeling it in my knees,” Cameron agreed. “Pressure change is coming.”
“Yeah, we’re probably going to get rain or something,” I mumbled, pulling a t-shirt over my head. “How was practice for you guys?”
“Somber,” Cameron replied. Apparently he was going to be doing all the talking. “Cut day always sucks. I hate seeing guys have to leave.”
I nodded. We’d had enough preseason games now for the coaches and the higher ups to make decisions on who was going to be on the official team this fall. Today was the day when NFL dreams were cut short. The team could only hold so many players. Only the best could stay.
I should have been cut from the team. I deserved to be cut from the team with the way I had been playing the last few weeks, but I still had enough good will and fan support that Coach had saved me for a few more weeks. But I was in danger. I either had to clear medical and play, or I was off the team. I’d be traded or become a free agent. Neither sounded like something I wanted.
“I’m out. See you tomorrow,” Marcus said. I wasn’t sure if he was speaking to Cameron and me or just Cameron. Still, I said a goodbye. Cameron was right behind him, leaving me alone in the quiet locker room to finish dressing. I finished getting dressed and sat down to lace my shoes.
“Hey, you in here?” Alex stuck his head in the locker room. “I saw Marcus on the way out. He said you were the last one in here.”
“At least he’s talking to you,” I murmured.
Alex shrugged. “You alone in here?”
I looked around the gray square room lined with metal lockers. It smelled like gym socks and sweat, but it felt like home. “Yup. I’m the last one out today.”
“Good.” Alex hurried over to me and sat on the cement bench under the locker. “I think I have it narrowed down to three women that could be Ellie’s mom.”
I sat up a little straighter. I didn’t want to give Ellie back, but I did want to know more about her. “And?”
“Here’s what I got. Three possibilities. I went through all the photos on your phone from the nights in the right range,” he said, handing me his phone. “And man, you have got to get some better photography skills. I mean, the phone does most of the work for you these days. It’s like you were trying to take awful pictures.”
I scanned the three photos. They were all blonde and thin, with big fake boobs and tight dresses. One didn’t have a face because somehow I’d put my thumb on the lens. I felt my optimism that I might remember Ellie’s mom fade.
“All I remember from that night was that the girl I was with had amazing breasts. Real ones,” I told him, handing him back is phone. “At least I think they were.”
“You think?” Alex scoffed.
“It was dark.” When his nonplussed expression didn’t change I added, “And fast and dirty.”
“Obviously.” He rolled his eyes. “I hate that I’m even asking this, but would you recognize her if you felt her boobs?”
“Are you seriously suggesting that we go around feeling women up Cinderella style to see if they are my child’s mother?” I asked.
“Well, when you say it like that...”
“What about the front desk?” I asked, changing tactics. “Did she remember anything about the delivery person?”
Alex shook his head. “I asked. Unfortunately, she was wearing a hoodie and sunglasses, so there’s no way to ID her. The front desk girl just remembers that a woman came up and said there was a package for the ‘damn player’.” Alex shrugged before continuing. “Considering that you are public enemy number one to everyone with a fantasy league right now, she didn't think it was weird at all.”
I sighed. Of course, my inability to play would come back to bite me in more ways than one.
“You also said you were expecting a package and to have it sent right up,” Alex continued. “So she did.”
“I didn’t even get my protein powder delivered,” I grumbled.
“Yeah, I got a refund coming to you,” Alex said, leaning his thin back against the locker. For someone who never played football, he was surprisingly comfortable in the locker room.
“I think we struck out with the front desk for now.” I closed my eyes, trying to find another way around the problem. “Any news on the DNA test?”
“I’ll be by your house this evening with some cotton swabs and test tubes,” Alex replied. “Richard has a service that’s discreet, but it’s going to take a week.”
Richard, my lawyer, had not been happy about the phone call we’d had this morning. He was insistent that we make sure Ellie was actually mine before we legally did anything that could come back and bite me harder than things already were.
“And there’s no way to expedite it?” I asked, imagining those old TV shows where they determined if someone was the father between commercial breaks.
“Not if you want it to stay quiet,” Alex answered. I imagined myself with the host saying “You ARE the father” on live TV and shuddered. “The lawyer says to do it this way. I’ll have a bunch of forms for you to sign tonight. It’s why you pay us the big bucks.”
“Thanks,” I said, feeling the gratitude for my friend all the way down to my toes. This would be impossible without having Alex to do the legwork and keep everything quiet. “I appreciate it.”
“I got you, man,” was all Alex needed to say.
“How’s your grandma?” I asked, needing to change the subject. “She had those tests.”
“They came back as good as they can,” he replied with a shrug. “She’s a fighter. She doesn’t quit.”
We sat in silence for a moment as I laced up my shoes, my brain going a million miles an hour.
“Hey, I hate even saying this out loud, but it’s something that I can’t stop thinking about.” I swallowed hard. “Do you know anyone that wants to adopt?”
“You don’t want the baby?” Alex asked, turning to face me.
“I do, I just....” I sighed, running a hand through my sweaty hair. “It’s just a lot of responsibility. I’m not really ready. I need to focus on this season if I want to keep my spot, and a baby is not helping me concentrate.”
My stomach lurched with every word, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I didn’t want it to be true or because it was. I loved that little girl, but I wasn’t sure if I was the best person to raise her. I wasn’t sure that I would do a good job.
“I get it.” Alex nodded, his eyes looking past me but without judgment. “I have a cousin- the one out in the sticks on that hobby farm. They have two boys and I know they were talking about trying for a girl sometime soon. Do you want me to ask?”
“Maybe?” My stomach twisted again and I felt nauseous at the enormity of even the possibility of the decision. “I don’t know. I’m just trying to keep my options open.”
Alex held up his hands, showing me that he wasn’t attacking. “It’s not a problem. Nellie is awesome and I know she’s chill.”
“Don’t do it for now.” The words came out faster than I expected. “But it’s good to know that there’s a good family for her. Just in case.”
“Just in case,” Alex agreed. “Baby poop makes us all need options.”