Chapter 18 #2
I was halfway into a leftover cheese quesadilla when I got his message.
Connor: Distefano. You hanging in there okay today? Need anything?
I set down the tortilla, not sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. How did his casual thoughtfulness make me feel so weak?
It was just really nice to have someone check in on me, I guess.
I mean, Ellie had brought me lunch and a sweet treat because she was the best, but it was different coming from him.
I texted back: I’m good but thank you. Seriously.
Connor: Let me know if you change your mind. Also, I kind of invited your dad over to play video games because I sometimes fail to think before speaking, but I can cancel if that makes you uneasy.
This guy, I swear to God. I still didn’t understand exactly what was in play with the video game invite, but I was surprisingly okay with whatever it was.
I texted: If you want Tony, he’s yours.
Connor: Excellent.
And when I got home from work at the end of the day, the house was empty.
I texted Joey. Are you with Dad?
Joey: Yeah, we’re at Cunningham’s. What do you want?
Me: Nothing I just wanted to make sure Dad was OK.
Joey: Yeah, he’s having the time of his life. Josh Reed and Justin Teeders swung by, so Dad went on a beer run with them.
Josh Reed, the quarterback of the Coyotes, and Justin Teeders, Hall of Fame tight end, were on a beer run with my father.
On a night that should’ve been terrible for him.
What the hell is happening?
Connor couldn’t be this nice, could he? It didn’t make sense that he would be this generous with his time, but I couldn’t come up with any other option on how this worked for him.
He seemed to be interested in me at the moment—I was still in disbelief over that and would probably always be—but at a normal level.
The vibes were not I’m-so-unhinged-and-stalkery-that-I’m-going-to-go-deep-with-your-family, so I had no idea what to think.
I went to my room and changed into comfy clothes, unsure of exactly what to do with myself.
I’d gotten so used to spending my time either studying—which was pointless today when my brain couldn’t stay in the present—or running errands for my dad, that having a few free hours seemed almost overwhelming.
Too many possibilities. TV, movie, nap, book…the choices were limitless.
But then I decided to go see her.
I had plans to go to the cemetery the next day with my dad and brothers, but suddenly I wanted a little alone time with her. When I got to Oak Hill, I walked in the dark until I reached her headstone.
For some reason, I was never scared to be there after dark. Anywhere else in the city I was gripping my Mace and making sure my Taser was handy, but when I was at the cemetery I felt oddly at peace, like I was being protected by everyone who lived there.
“Hey,” I said, dropping to sit crisscross-applesauce beside her. “I know I’m going to see you tomorrow, but I ditched Dad, so I thought it would be fun for us to have a girls’ night.”
I rolled my eyes at myself, because I always got stupid when I talked out loud to my mother. I pretty much became my teen self anytime I wanted to connect with her from beyond the grave.
My mom was gone, so the idea that communicating with her at the cemetery reached some connecting portal was kind of ridiculous, but I didn’t care.
I felt closer to her here.
“I can’t believe a year ago this very minute, you were watching trash TV. Maybe that’s what actually killed you—you let too much of that nonsense into your brain,” I said, knowing she’d appreciate the dark joke.
“God. It’s just been such a weird year without you.
On the one hand, I’m closer to Dad than I’ve ever been in my entire life, so thank you for that, I guess,” I said.
“He misses you so much that he needs me. The most capable man in the world needs me because he doesn’t have you, so that’s just like the biggest blessing and curse ever,” I said, smiling even as it became difficult to swallow.
I closed my eyes and pictured her smile, the way her whole face lit up.
“I just miss you so much,” I said with a muffled sob, no longer able to hold back tears. “I just want to hear your voice and smell your perfume and see your face so badly.”
My chest hurt, my heart hurt, and in an instant, I needed to unload everything on her.
“And shit, Ma—I want all the wisdom that I was supposed to get from you when I got older. I was still young and dumb when you died, still the mental equivalent of a college kid. All the things that you were supposed to teach me about being an adult, like why people care about cleaning baseboards and how do you even do it—I still need all of those things from you. How am I going to ever have babies without you holding my hand through it?”
The hole in my chest made it hard to speak, or maybe it was the sobbing.
“How am I supposed to know anything about how to live without you? Who do I call now? I don’t know how long Dad’s going to live.
I don’t know if this lung thing means he’s just going to have shitty lungs for the next twenty years or if it means he’s only got five left.
I’m too afraid to ask the doctor and I feel like the boys are the same way.
And I don’t know if he knows. I don’t know how to ask Dad if he understands what they’re saying or if he wants to or if he wants me to.
And my fucking CPA exams,” I said on a sob; it was like a centuries-old dam had been released.
“Everything is so hard—it’s all too much, and it wasn’t like that when you were here.
Just having you made everything better.”
I wiped at my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket.
“I suppose I didn’t come here to bitch at you—that’s selfish, right? I’m supposed to be honoring you and your memory, not complaining about your absence.”
I cleared my throat—well, I tried, but it didn’t do any good.
“I’ll never understand how I got lucky enough to have a mom who was the funniest person in the world, and I’d give anything for five more minutes. I would. I know I can’t have that, but just know that I would give everything to have those five minutes because that’s how much I loved you.”
I was a bawling mess and I didn’t even care because it was like I was bleeding out. Nothing in the world mattered or compared to how much I missed her at that moment.
I sat there for a long time, just crying in the darkness.
It felt like all I could do.
All I even wanted to do.
After God knows how long, the tears dwindled, noises of the wilderness beyond the cemetery bringing me back to reality.
“I’m sorry, I’ve got to go, Mom. I need time to de-swell my face before Dad gets home.
” I curled up against her headstone, wishing to absorb even an ounce of my mom’s essence.
“I hate saying this, but I think this was a terrible idea. I never feel better after I come here, and I know you know it. I feel closer to you in a way, to just talk to you, but Mom, I still feel so lost, because you’re still gone.
I love you and I just wish you weren’t dead. ”
I wiped my nose on the back of my sleeve and stood, exhausted and empty as I walked back to my car.
My phone buzzed as I buckled my seat belt.
Dad: Can you come pick us up?
I sniffled again and blinked, my eyes still stinging slightly. What the hell?
I texted: Why? How did you get there?
Dad: Joey drove us but he had to leave early. Connor offered his driver, but I had to put my foot down. We’ve imposed enough. Had to lay down the law on him.
No way was I driving into the city and rolling up to Connor Cunningham’s apartment, especially looking like this.
Me: Can’t you just take an Uber?
I was too exhausted to deal with this.
Dad: The surge price is nuts right now—you can’t come get your old man?
“Dammit,” I muttered under my breath as I texted: Send me the address. But I’m just going to text you when I get there and you can come out because I’m basically in pajamas.
Dad: You can’t pretty yourself up and come up?
My dad, ladies and gentlemen.
Me: No, I cannot.
I knew it was a terrible night to be short with him, but I just couldn’t leave the car.
I couldn’t. I got on the freeway and headed for Connor’s place, which, according to the map, looked like it was right by the Target Center.
I cranked the Blue Stones as I flew down the freeway, trying to get out of my funk.
By the time I got off at the exit, I was feeling better. I was pretty sure I could handle picking up my dad and brothers without them seeing I was an emotional wreck.
But when I pulled up to a meter spot in front of the building and texted my dad, he didn’t respond. Matty and Ty didn’t respond, either. I texted Connor and he also didn’t respond.
I sighed and called my father.
“Tony here,” he answered, sounding like a social butterfly.
“Dad, I’m in front of the building.”
“Oh, I need you to come up,” he said.
“No, I told you I’m not going to do that. Just come down when you’re ready.”
“You gotta come up—it’s important,” he said. “The code is 9281. Punch it in the door panel, then punch it in the elevator. Takes you right into his apartment, isn’t that something?”
“I don’t even have on shoes,” I lied, not budging because I would rather be eaten by actual wolves than go up to Connor’s place in my current state.
“Cunningham owns the damn building—he doesn’t care if you have shoes on—”
“I’m sure he doesn’t own the building, Dad—”
“Oh shit, you gotta get up here now—”
And then the call was disconnected.
I sighed and rested my forehead on the steering wheel. My dad was a shit. A shit who was playing games with me. I knew him well enough to know nothing was going on that I needed to “get up there” for.
He wanted me to engage with Connor and he wasn’t giving me another option.
If it were any other night, I would just stubbornly sit in the car and wait it out until he was forced to give in.
But I needed to be selfless.