Chapter 4
I sighed, staring down at the chicken cooking over the hot coals. Some may think we were insane for grilling in the winter, but it was soothing.
I smirked as I heard the girls shrieking while Monica and Becks laughed. It was good to hear Becks laugh. She didn’t do enough of it in my opinion. If I could take every painful thing from that woman, I would.
I couldn’t believe she hadn’t told me about how bad things were getting again. What the hell could have been bothering her so bad she was regressing with her reactions? I needed to do better and pay more attention. The fact that she wasn’t sleeping because I was working night shifts made me feel like an ass. I wasn’t really working extra shifts at night. I was sneaking off to work on a Christmas present for her. I couldn’t have anticipated it affecting her like that. She’d lived alone for so long before me.
We’d promised each other no grand gestures, but fuck that. I knew my girl hadn’t gotten anything for Christmas since she was in high school. That wasn’t gonna slide with me. She deserved the world. She had given so much of herself to her daughter the last thirteen years, Becks needed to feel treasured too.
Nat was in on it, but I hadn’t told Monica. She had enough on her plate. Mon knew I was planning something epic, but not details. Nat was so excited that she could help and give her mom something besides a school craft for Christmas.
I loved this. Parenthood was a learning curve, but it just felt right, being this little girl’s dad. I could not wait to stand up and marry her mom and make everything official.
I just wished I could break down the last few barriers Becks had around her. Seeing her guarding her emotions and her fear of being left, were getting to me. I didn’t know how much more I could show and prove that I wasn’t going to disappear. Now that I knew she was struggling this badly again I needed to figure something out.
“Do you want some cocoa?” Becks’ voice sounded like it usually did now. I smiled at her over my shoulder, letting my eyes run over her, checking in. She looked better and the light was back in her eyes.
“Sure, baby.”
I watched as she stepped out with an oversized mug that was steaming, and met her halfway. She smiled up at me as she put the warm ceramic in my hands and I leaned down to kiss the tip of her nose.
“You know I love you more than myself, right?” I asked, my voice rougher than I intended. Her palm met my cheek and she smiled at me again.
“I know, Lucas. I’m sorry it’s been such a mess with me lately-”
I shook my head, cutting her off, “Being with you, doing this life with you, has been anything but a mess. It’s brought me a reason, Becks. I just want you to feel like you can talk to me. About anything. Always.”
She nodded, crossing her arms, and I pushed her back towards the house gently.
“It’s too cold out here without a coat. We’ll talk later. Get your gorgeous ass inside. Tell Monica the chicken is almost done.”
She laughed and walked back inside, quickly shutting the door behind her. I could hear her yelling for Mon and shook my head.
“You’d have some good advice for me, I’m sure,” I muttered under my breath to Paul, wondering if he could hear me wherever he was.
My redheaded best friend had always helped me with stuff, and talked things through with me. I hadn’t truly appreciated it until it was too late. I wondered if I’d ever stop talking out loud to him when I was alone.
I jumped as my phone rang, reaching into my pocket. Nan . I grinned, answering.
“Hey, Nan.” I greeted.
“Lucas, how are you?”
“Good, how are you? Behaving yourself?”
Nan snorted, “What trouble could an old woman like me get into?”
I laughed outright at that.
“Too much to name. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to check in on my grandson. See how my girls are. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.”
“Nan, we were over for dinner last night.”
We talked daily and ate with her once a week, but she’d gotten so attached to Nat and Becks that she was always sniffing about it being forever since we’d seen her.
“I know. I just love seeing them. Nat keeps me young.”
I chuckled, “She is a special little person isn’t she? We’re all fine, Nana. What if we all come by tomorrow before I take Nat shopping for Becks?”
“Oh, are you still working on Becks’ Christmas surprise?” She asked.
“I’d say I have about three more days on it. It’ll be done by Christmas Eve.”
“She’s going to be beside herself,” said my Nan, knowingly.
“I know.”
“Well. I’ll let you get back to it. Give the girls my love. Behave.”
“I will. Love you.”
“I love you too, Lucas.”
Hanging up, I placed my phone back in my pocket and took the chicken off the grill. Walking back into the house I set my half-empty mug of cocoa on the counter beside the finished chicken.
Monica thanked me and I took my coat off, watching her and Becks move around the kitchen seamlessly. They were laughing at some scenario from one of the fantasy romance books they were reading together. I couldn’t keep track of their stories and authors. Some fairy or monster romance stuff. Embarrassed the hell out of Becks when I’d read one but couldn’t say she cared when I’d reenact a scene for her.
Lacey, Lexi, and Nat ran in, the younger two giggling and driving the elder crazy.
“Girls. Please stop pestering your older sister,” Monica groaned while Becks set the sides and salad on the table.
“Like they’ll listen,” complained Lacey, scowling at the grinning younger girls.
I threw my arm around my oldest niece’s shoulder, placing my cold hand on her and making her squeal.
“You’re just as bad as the younger two” exclaimed Becks shaking her head.
“We can’t let Lacey get too big for her britches.” I said, winking at Nat and Lexi while Lacey tried to scowl at me.
“Let’s sit and eat.” Monica announced, as she carried Becks and her wine over to the table. “I think this is necessary.” She quipped.
“Tell me about it,” replied Becks.
Later that evening, back in our cozy home across town, I watched from the doorway of Nat’s bedroom as her mother tucked her in. I walked across the room and grinned down at my daughter.
“You ready for a kickass Christmas break, Peanut?”
“Lucas!” exclaimed Becks as Nat giggled up at me. Her blue eyes were sparkling with mischief and she winked.
“What am I going to do with you two?” asked Becks, crossing her arms. “Don’t get her all riled up. Night, Nat. Love you.”
“Love you, Mom.”
We watched Becks leave the room and I grinned down at Natasha again.
“Are you almost done with it?” she whispered.
“Almost,” I whispered back theatrically.
She giggled again.
“I talked your mom into letting me take you for ice cream and shopping after seeing Nan tomorrow. We can finish up your part of the surprise then.”
She nodded, “Alright. Thanks, Dad. I love you.”
“I love you too, Peanut.” I said, smiling.
Checking her window to make sure it was shut and locked, I watched her snuggle into her blankets.
No matter how many times this kid had called me Dad the past six months, I still couldn’t get used to it. My heart melted a little more every time. She owned my entire heart, along with her mother. I wasn’t sure I had actually been living before them. Clicking her light off and shutting her door, I headed back downstairs.
Coming up behind Becks on the sofa I kissed the top of her head gently before coming around and sitting down beside her. I took in my fiancee with her cozy Christmas pajama pants and had to laugh.
“What?” she asked, raising an eyebrow and setting her book aside.
“I’m pretty sure those are the exact pants you were wearing the day I met you.”
Looking down, her brown eyes lit up. “I’m pretty sure you’re right. What an impression.”
“You made a hell of an impression.” I said, resting my hand on her knee. So, what’s going on, Becks?” I started softly.
Sighing, she drew her legs up beneath her and immediately avoided eye contact.
“Hey,” I spoke softly and her eyes flicked up to mine, “Eyes on me when we have important conversations, sweetheart.”
She nodded, “I don’t know how to explain it, Lucas. Everything is great. Wonderful. It's just been such an adjustment learning to live with another adult these last six months. I guess my anxiety is amplified because of it. Plus I’ve not been sleeping because you’ve been working so much at night and…” she trailed off.
“I agree it's been a major adjustment for me too. But, Becks, if I’m doing something that’s bothering you, you should be able to tell me. Even something little. I know you are dealing with more because of everything that happened. I wish I could take it all, baby. I wish I’d been able to get to you sooner.”
Becks shook her head, leaning over and grabbing my hand.
“I know in my heart that it happened how it did for a reason, Lucas. I slayed my own monsters. I just hate that you lost your best friend in the process and my best friend lost her husband. Nat’s best friends lost their father. It just still shocks me that none of you blame me. I keep waiting for the elephant in the room to make itself known. Someone to be bitter. Someone to just start screaming at me that it isn’t fair.”
Her voice broke, a tear slipping down her cheek in the lamplight.
“I’m just so used to the opposite of what everyone is giving me that I don't know how to accept it. I can’t sleep and I’m tired. My anxiety is through the roof worrying about everything-”
“Becks, baby. No one is ever going to start screaming at you. It isn’t fair, but we know it’s not your fault. None of it is on you. Paul definitely wouldn’t have wanted you to be having these thoughts. You can’t help the actions of others. Clark and Larry are the ones that took him from us. And they almost took you too. You’re not the only one affected by that night. When I close my eyes sometimes all I see is you losing consciousness. Not knowing if I’d ever look into your eyes again.” Now I broke off, clearing my throat.
“I know we’ve all been affected.” Her voice came softer, hesitant and unsure. “I just feel like you’ve been pulling away. You’re working night shifts more and you’ve been taking weird phone calls off and on.”
“Rebecca Wareman,” I interrupted. “Do you think I’m stepping out on you?”
I watched her cheeks flush pink and her eyes dart down to our joined hands.
Fuck me. She did.
I sighed and tugged her closer to me.
“Did you ever stop to think that it’s Christmas time? Santa’s elves get up to all kinds of mischief.”
“That’s what Mon said but we promised each-“
“Becks. Stop. I wasn’t gonna let our first Christmas go by without doing something for you. Plus, I have a little girl in on it, that’s thrilled to give something, that’s not, homemade to her mother for the first time.”
“I cherish everything she’s ever given me. Homemade or not,” Becks whispered tearfully.
“I know you do. But you deserve what we’ve got planned. You’re crazy if you think I’ve been cheating on you. You think I don’t miss you these nights I’ve been working?” I asked.
“I just thought maybe you were getting bored or-“
“Does someone who’s bored come home from work and bend their fiancée over the counter?” I asked.
She was fire-engine red now, avoiding all eye contact.
“There’s never a damn minute that goes by that I don’t want you. Every time feels like the first time, Becks. It gets better and better. Learning you and what makes you come apart for me?” I leaned over, pulling her into a hug, my hands trailed down her back, over her soft, worn band shirt. I couldn’t feel the outline of a bra. She was completely ready for bed. I hardened in my own pajama pants.
Grabbing her hand tighter in mine, I brought it to the front of my pants, pressing her palm to where I was hard. She licked her lips and glanced up at me.
“That right there? You’re the only one that can do that for me anymore, Becks.” I said, voice low. “You’re the only one I wanna lose myself in over and over again. Always.”
My head came down, lips brushing against hers, “You’re all I ever want or need anymore.” Then I was kissing her, devouring her and licking into her mouth as she opened for me. Bringing my hand up I circled her neck and squeezed gently as she moaned softly against my mouth. I didn’t know how many more times she needed to hear it or for me to show her she was all I ever wanted. But I’d spend all night trying.