Chapter 14 #2
She shuffled closer to Reshma, clasping her hand with hers. Reshma rested her head against her cousin’s shoulder, who was more like a sister to her, and Haniya rested her head against Reshma’s.
Reshma swallowed the lump in her throat at Haniya’s words, determined not to cry.
‘I can’t help it, Niya. I want to believe that I deserve love and attention and someone who cares as much as anyone else, but I can’t help but feel that it won’t happen, or that there are strings attached, or that it’ll be short-lived.
The only people I don’t feel that with are Uncle Jawad and Auntie Bilqis. ’
‘Uh, rude.’
Reshma tutted as Haniya sniggered. ‘You know that includes you. And even though Auntie Ruqayyah has been amazing, the fact that she lives here and we live in London puts a natural distance between us, though I feel the same way about her when we’re together too.’
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Reshma soaking in the comfort of nearness from the cousin who’d accepted her with open arms when Uncle Jawad had taken her home to stay with them permanently.
Not once had she resented Reshma’s presence in their lives and neither had her brother Shoaib, treating both Haniya and Reshma with a little bit of love and a great deal of tolerance, as brothers were wont to do.
‘Permission to call a spade a spade, please?’ Haniya said cheerily and Reshma laughed at her question.
‘Like you need my permission. And that phrase has always confused me. Why a spade? Why not … I don’t know’ – she grabbed the bottle that had been on the side table next to the sofa – ‘a bottle. Let’s call a bottle a bottle.’
‘O-K. I think you really might be losing it, so I’ll say what I want to say while there’s still an active brain cell between those ears.
What happened between your parents isn’t on you.
’ She untangled herself from Reshma’s side and turned to face her.
‘I’ll repeat that for the brain cells at the back.
What happened between your parents isn’t on you.
And after Auntie Hafsa passed away, whatever Uncle Ahsan did isn’t on you either.
All the crap you’ve seen as a child is something no adult should have to deal with, so the fact that you went through all that as a kid sucks, but none of those things were because of you, Reshma.
You are amazing and more deserving of love than anyone I know.
But you need to stop considering it a favour when you are on the receiving end of it.
You act like someone’s attention is a great favour they’re bestowing upon you. ’
Reshma wrinkled her nose, but she couldn’t refute what Haniya had said. She knew that deep down that was how she behaved in most of her relationships.
‘I’m both surprised and glad that you said what you did to Zaf.
He should definitely have made a better effort over the past year and it’s kind of disappointing that he hasn’t, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore any effort he makes hereafter.
Sure, don’t go all in, but don’t keep him all the way out either.
Not unless that’s what you want deep down. ’
Reshma groaned. ‘I don’t know what I want deep down. And can you stop being so mature and wise right now.’
‘Is that what you really want?’
Reshma dropped her head on the cushion in her lap so her answer came out muffled against it. ‘No.’
‘Yeah, I thought as much.’ Haniya went quiet for a couple of minutes before speaking again, her voice gentle.
‘Deep down, you want to believe in love. You want to be that special person for Zafar and you want him to be that special person for you, but you’re too scared to say it out loud and commit to it fully because you’re afraid you’ll be rejected by him like you have been by various other people in your life before.
’ Reshma sucked in a breath as Haniya really called a spade a spade.
‘And wanting that doesn’t mean that what you have with us isn’t enough for you.
Wanting something with Zafar doesn’t negate what you have with us, it’s different.
You need to allow yourself to go all in, Reshma darling.
But if you want to make Zaf work for it, then there’s no harm in that,’ she said with a cheeky grin and a wink.
‘What if I go all in but he—’
‘Don’t think like that, Reshma. Give the guy a chance.
I accept that you two didn’t conventionally choose each other, but Mum and Dad saw something in him, which is why they introduced him to you, otherwise they wouldn’t have.
I reckon you both liked something about each other to go ahead and get married, so trust that. ’
Reshma wanted Haniya’s words to be true, she really did, but she couldn’t help that sense of fear from making its presence felt.
That inner gremlin that told her that when it came to the crunch, Zafar wouldn’t choose her.
He wouldn’t be there for her like she wanted or needed him to be.
She couldn’t help the voice coming from deep inside her that told her that she hadn’t been good enough to heal the rift between her parents.
The rift that had ultimately led to her mother’s demise.
She hadn’t been important enough for her father or her mother’s parents.
In times of weakness, the inner voice also told her that she’d been a necessary burden on Uncle Jawad and Auntie Bilqis, they’d had no choice but to take her in.
It stood to reason, then, that Zafar might also consider her an obligation, or a responsibility he had to bear but didn’t want to.
Who was there in her life that had chosen to be with her with no responsibility, no obligation, no promise?
All she had ever wanted in her life was for that sense of belonging, that sense of being a part of something that would be incomplete if she wasn’t there, and she didn’t feel that way about any relationship in her life.
As much as she loved her uncle and aunt, she wasn’t supposed to be with them.
It was their kindness that had led to them making her a part of their family.
‘Be honest, Niya, do you think I’m ungrateful?
For wanting to belong to a dynamic organically?
’ Haniya’s face reflected the seriousness Reshma was feeling.
‘Uncle Jawad and Auntie Bilqis took me in and treated me no different to you and Shoaib, but I wasn’t supposed to be with them, was I?
’ She laughed, but the sound held no mirth.
‘God, if they ever heard me, they’d be devastated, wouldn’t they?
They’d hate me.’ She covered her face with her hands as her thoughts spiralled.
Haniya grabbed both of Reshma’s hands in hers.
‘You are not ungrateful, Reshma. I understand what you mean, though I’ll never truly appreciate it because only someone in your position would understand exactly what’s going through your mind.
It doesn’t make you ungrateful and my parents could never hate you.
Believe it or not, I think they’d understand what you’re saying as much as, if not more than, I do.
‘All these thoughts are going through your head because the last few days have had you questioning everything since you found out about Zafar and because Uncle Ahsan has turned up with his family. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing to allow these questions to crop up.
What’s not great is if you let them consume you or answer them with that negative narrative of yours.
Dust the negativity off, be bold and be brave.
Give this a go. Besides, technically speaking, he’s on your turf. Make him work for your affection.’
Reshma looked at the glint in her cousin’s eye and felt a flicker of confidence.
Haniya was right. She needed to be bold and brave and let Zafar do what he had assured her he wanted to do.
If he wanted to right his wrongs, then she would let him and, in the meantime, she would guard her heart from any further risk by keeping it locked away.
She didn’t have to put it on the line. She didn’t have to fully invest in anything until and unless she wanted to.
She allowed a corner of her lips to lift. ‘You’re devious, Niya, but I happen to like your brand of deviousness. Let’s see what he does over the coming weeks. Not that I’m going to say anything to him. If I see a genuine effort, then I might give it a chance.’
‘Otherwise?’ Haniya lowered her eyebrows in consternation.
After a loaded moment of silence, Reshma shrugged her shoulders, leaving the question unanswered.